Yikes!

Crazy

Last night didn't help it. One of those walks. Then comments. I was flushed into some weird bind I couldn't have possibly gotten out of. One of those things that cause a loss of sleep. I slept fine, but it didn't stop. A chance to confront the pinnacle of my current anxiety. No, I mean I actually feel weird. Like, actually having gone off the deep end. Thinking of a way to respond, thinking of every possible response. First thing this morning was about that show on the History Channel about the seven deadly sins. Envy. Explaining how a lot of stuff is just based in envy, you know? Wise enough to cut through the bs and the guilt that being engrossed would cause, I realize that Freud showed up again. Then, my mom walks in with Battleship, the board game er whatever. Two things involved in what I've been thinking lately.

We were supposed to do Twill today. I had finally tried to explain that I really have no time for Twill. It's just so stupid. It bores me, I get nothing out of it. That's not usually me, but I'm just too exhausted about it to explain. It's an exhausted idea. It's bland, and anything involving a dirt road dries me to no end. It's illegitimate and unrewarding. Like work. It is work, and anything I offer my imagination cannot be work. "It's not genuine." I am not starting a "band" and I do not want to. Not under these circumstances.

Then, Nick. His name is Nick. What the hell? I have a friend named Nick? Since when? Doesn't sound right. Still, he was to be coming into town. He was just in Florida. The relevance is just that he was also talking to me at the same time as Grant.

Both sides of my birthday. If you shave both their heads, you'd get a yin yang on the floor. Not black and white, unless you convert to grayscale. They're both speaking as if to make plans for later on. I also wanted to try for buying a camera. Options for the day. Nothing happens. Meanwhile, I'm still thinking about the fact that there are 3 other people who I do not ever see, all thinking about the same thing. Same as that author. One person having these thoughts for legitimate reasons, wondering how someone who couldn't possibly have legitimate reasoning look so genuine, the friend who is going through similar circumstances and ambiguous as to whether or not this is actually a mutual mindset. Which scares me away from the website. Anything I say may just come off as "trying to impress."

Then the word 'crazy'

Then, explaining myself. Not explaining why you're using these words. Not making any sense. Therefore, no help. It's a Friday night. Work tomorrow. How I can only think of all of the things I just said, while I am slicing a box open, and cramming packaged foods onto a shelf. Coming home, and looking at things related to what I must have been thinking about. My graduation test scores. My diploma. All of my old drawings that could not have been done by me. Thinking about how this is legitimacy. Thinking about how if I had to explain turning this into a career, all that would come up is the folks who did it for and because of admiration. Because of and for envy.

Envy vs. Inspiration. Admiration vs. Legitimacy.

When you were in a place you didn't want to be because of that mindset. When all of your friends are out doing things, whether or not you want to do them. When they can buy things you don't even want. Betraying your own beliefs- true beliefs. Regretting the betrayal of yourself. Not believing in a type of person. Follow. Realizing that you didn't believe in a type of person after experimenting with a mindset that you found because of your original mindset. See, now it's not making sense to me even.

I mean, the Windy Hill house. I ended up there because I had all these conflicting ideas about the whole college and job thing. Whatever. Ah yes. The location of this place, not only bringing the home and capability envy, but introduced me to the source of the question of the legitimacy. So both sides. Oooh, I cannot even begin to get on a steady track to explaining this. I need to get it to one final point before I can leave it alone.

I keep wondering whether or not to get a camera. Now because of the whole envy thing, I can't tell if my reasoning for getting one will be legitimate. Well hell, I got a phone out envy. And a house. Or did those things that I seemed envious of push me into getting them, therefore bettering myself? Am I being subliminally fed then need of a camera? What will I do with a camera? Use it to explain to others my ideas- aka impressing folks? Do I actually plan on making things that I want to make because I want to make them, or do I plan on making bait to attract all the crap that comes with blah. Is it so I get to have a say-so in what is filmed and what is not? Envy, again? Do I think these girls think this way because of what I happen to be reading about? What if House-Buying is just womb-envy? Am I that automaton that I wrote that essay about last year? The automaton that, instead of anyone else, I gave a connection to Eliza Doolittle?

Tupac said he recorded three songs a day- in the context of being "paranoid" about death.

Johnny Depp sees Ed Wood as a director who wasn't necessarily bad but a director who obviously wanted to get his vision out there.

Well, there it is. The challenge. If I do get a camera, I owe it to myself to make sure to do something with it every day. I mean, if it is legitimate, then shouldn't have a problem. Envy may come and go, but anything that shows up that often can't necessarily be a sin. Hm, possible burden of only making new ideas instead of working with the old. If I'm working with myself, then what about the un-used collaboration ideas. What if collaboration days are numbered? Actually limited by high school? The stupid "quote" that goes with that obviously isn't showing up in my brain. Something about not looking back. Still- If I really mean it, then I will really stick to it. As long as I don't think I'm "committing" to anything. Whatever makes sense. Sense and nonsense never betrayed anyone.

I don't know why they're speaking this language. Maybe it's a long term effect of what happens after the attached becomes detached. Chameleon. Galatea. I must admire what I created. Even if it wasn't me.

Lawlz, peac.
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“Once you have established the goals you want and the price you’re willing to pay, you can ignore the minor hurts, the opponent’s pressure and the temporary failures.” Vince Lombardi

"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." (Lao Tzu)

via the actor Edoardo Ballerini- the first one was someone else's comment, though.

Ouch, I can feel my career choices dissolving and gross, I can feel people agreeing. Even worse, I can feel people trying to offer advice.

Allowed To

No, see, I woke up fine today. It was just waking up that was the problem. For the first few hours, folks noticed how unawake I must've been. Bags under my eyes until about 2 or 3? I woke up right at the edge of having to leave. Like I used to when I went to school. Except this is 11-12.

I got out of it, fine. Just noticing folks aware of the fact that I was already completely gone and I still had 8 hours ahead. I also tried to hide in my imagination today. Literally, for good reason. I was trying to get a head start on writing Dait-A-Base. Actual symptoms of worry. Disciplined against worry, so this is something else.

Going to sleep was weird last night, though. It was a mix of "oh crap, I should delete that before anyone else sees it" mixed with "oh my god no, that's complete impossible" kind of. I think today was one of those days where everyone feels the exact same as everyone else. I didn't understand why I was involved. Hate to admit how "zombie" appeared in multiple unlikely situations. Also a period of time, where I feel almost "nerdy" I guess, for the things I'm saying. I honestly can't help the fact that science fiction ideals of my life are constantly in my head. Except, what I'm thinking has to be legit. I just mean the whole coincidentals, and intangibility.

What I am thinking. Legitimacy, Illegitimacy, Exactly, Mutual Friends, Coincidences, dreams, Stability, Disgust, Time, and something more than Exactly. Whether or not I am legitimately thinking those things for my own reasons. Agh, how to fit in life after high school. That's what we're all thinking. This other group. Not house-buyers anymore. Actually exactly that. The house-buyers are separate. Driven by what has to drive them. The things you think when you're 17 vs. the things you think when you're 18. Both halves of both ages too. Right, my to-do list.
How do I get to just be me, Me I mean. Not "being myself :)" but, how do I do that thing? I have a lot of personal studies to accomplish, then. I'd need to do every tiny detail. In the right order. Either that or discover that expression of one's self is wrong. If it is wrong to keep track of every single detail, just to be entertained by the past. If it is wrong to shell out these things that are actually that much more entertaining and interesting than what has ever come out. I've already disciplined myself to the point of refraining from talking about anything that might accidentally impress anyone. I mean, avoided impressing anyone. At a point, I thought impressing was wrong. So, what do I know?

The goal of us House-Buyers may just be to become an Arranger. They're all stages. Not phases. When you're confused and you want to just "that's what I'll do, I'll save us all and I'll keep us in a big house so we can do what we want." A House-Buyer. But when you're stuck in all this gross House-Buying...if you find your way out of that being your concentration, you just need to Arrange something. Pull the strings. "I'm glad about arrangements." I'm not listing any hierarchy, but oh well, who is going to read this the same why I typed it? We find each other as House-Buyers. Whichever stage is before that. Hm, the cell that reproduces. Everyone has thought the way of the before-hand stage. Thought, only. I know I did that stage. I was it. Not a thought of social anxiety, which I had to learn along the way. Not a thought of "gotta work two jobs and go back to school." No influence. What alone will do for you.

I disagree again.

Newt Rick

Anyhow, despite impossibility, yeah I woke up fine this morning. I mean impossibility of it having been this morning, not the fact that it was unbelievable that I'd wake up fine. I just get cryptic when it comes to the edge of bragging about technology.

Still one of those fly-by grocery days where I spend the entire time in my own head, finishing old arguments or debating on how the hell to get out. As soon as I got back home, I showered and just took a walk. The old walk I used to take. That old cliche of going to one's quiet place. Might as well.

While gone, I guess it's confirmed that we may start working on Dait-A-Base. In all honesty, I just hope I get to direct it. I had to watch Ed Wood, yesterday, just for the scenes where he's finally making Plan 9. Just to hear the lines like "are you people insane?" (probably not exact) and Orson Welles' part. It's like, I've come here for this reason. I've got to take hold of something, somehow.

I've been too quiet. There's proof. I've been running this through my head: "throughout each day, I only say 5 things. That's if you count 'heh.'" Which isn't necessarily true, but I have had to pipe down for the most part. Not that I say a lot. Which is what I am trying to explain. If I had just talked all through high school, and if I just talk now, would more people know about the things that I want to do? I mean, no one has actually asked me about that side of myself, at work. Agh. The words. Even though I was asked about music preference and my comedy act. Fragment. Physical proof that I don't speak out is that my voice is actually terrible. It doesn't get much exercise either. It's supposed to be "I wonder what Pito sounds like when he sings," not "don't let Pito sing, have you heard his little comedy songs?" Still, no matter what anyone else says- nobody has heard me sing. My lung capacity. The fact that people even associate me with comedy. People misunderstanding all of that for me actually wanting to sing. Voice is on my "Work on:" list. So is Time Management. Which brings me to the other part of today...

Went through some old things I've written and, of course, drawings I've done. The relevance of those things rely on what it is that I actually want to work on next. With the whole Time Management thing, I need to agh. Not even the surface. Furniture, my old files, my new files, catalog, to-do list, resolutions, sleep, work, this Twill bs. Not even to mention that I finally got somewhere with any whit-worth of a social life. Actually sounds like a saying. Alright, let's see if I can prioritize on my way into sleep. This is the 23rd though. Well, now it's actually 24 but all pretend. Not obligated, just making sure.

Consumed.

One of those off,rainy, movie days. Un-supposed. Not obligated.

Nothings

Noticing that 16th of this month actually might not have happened.

It was ok because I was actually kind of waking myself up, this morning. I thought I wouldn't have an ok time waking up because I didn't get much sleep last night. Seems like someone was watching my back in the sleep department. Hard to explain, but it did explain a lot. My point was that I had to wake up early this morning. Gah, the missing pieces.

Today was anticipated to be a big day at the store. Life fest. Not only that, but the spring Life Fest. I really just can't get over it. Everyday is either just a celebration or a question of mortality. This is just LIFE we're fooling with. Don't overlook your puns and wordplay. This is life. Life. My friends and I all hear it each time we hear that one sound clip of the "Life-Life life life." It's Life. My god.

Still, I was 100% in my own head the entire day. Thinking about the morning, over-reacting, last night's conversation, college, human behavior (literally, literally), and now just trust and byrony. hah.

Right now, I just finished an entire jug of water, I have the stereo playing, but I'm trying to figure out how to make use of the night after that nap I just took after I walked home. All I can think to do is try to tell everyone what I'm doing right now. It's because of the encouragement, though. One of those nights, where they like the stupid little things you do. All I am is really just ashamed of my phone, my diploma, and of course just the word "life". Oh yeah I was also thinking about where things finally pay off. Ashamed that everyone who has ever gotten anywhere and claimed it was a struggle may just have done exactly the same things I've done.

Just in time for Frankenstein, again. If I am not mistaken, the kids in school are studying it again. It's important that i know which piece and era of literature. Just- if only I still knew where to find that diagram of the literary eras. haunting, but hey why not.

My God, imagine the musicals that must go on in someone's padded cell.

Actually primal screaming. I'm aiming and hitting. A battle of two different muses. Fueling each other. Don't flatter one's self.

K, my smell.

Filmed some of twill just now. On the way to drop him off. He's drawing a picture, wearing a hat. I'm not fitting my clothes.

To Have Done

Lot of to-do list type of stuff in the past 30 minutes. Cleared the to-do list of things to put on my to-do list. Listening to the Parliament was on my to-do list. Last time, Regina Spektor. I have to remind myself what I'm in the mood for. It works out, when it's supposed to. Actual white wine, though.

Another payday, but really subtle. Generous amount, but not a lot off emphasis. Today and yesterday, kind of anxious about the fact that I have the phone that other people have been getting. The one that I just found out to be on a billboard. It's fine, though. I'm Me. It's a triumph for me, when looked at by those others. I just finally want to make sure I'm able to get things settled. So I don't have to put all my eggs in one baskets. Really wish it was bricks, for some reason.

I want to fix my voice. I want us to be able to have full control over our health. I mean, within reason. It's ok, generosity again. I'll have it figured. Accidental marriage. Gah, bad timing.

Alright, I hav-- oh yeah I was supposed to mention that today was shot in a different style. People have become aware of the things that I have become aware of but only in one instance. Pride and the consequence. Took a walk because of my dream last night. One person who would never sing a song that they were singing. A walk through my high school years after being ousted. The dream of course. Void. Enough sleep, though. Part two. Then, on track.

Not even.

At nick- new apartment. The horror story.

Village

Woke up at Patricks, waited, and then he woke up and we started to watch Funny Games. We didn't finish it but I had seen it before. Absolutely brilliant. I was planning for that haircut. Eh. He did drive me up to the high school though.

Stood there, finally realizing what it was to be some random graduate actually hanging around. I fake a bunch of phone calls, yelling "this is a fake phone call" into my phone. Finally, Grant was there. I wasn't expecting to see him, but hey. He drove me to the park where he said he wanted to film the Twill music video. We took a quick look, making a lot of jokes about Owen Wilson being in a wacky kid's movie.

Then we went to Grant's, almost edited the video, but just made the Twillogy myspace page. Uploaded the 2, uploaded 2 to coolwinners, and just now I just.. it. So, seems like a type 2 productive day.,

Minus the haircut.

Actual

Ok, of course. Woke up at Grant's. Woke up a bunch of times, but waited until 8:45 like we said we would. In the middle of the night, Fide kept complaining about how cold he was. I woke up and saw him, there, sleeping with the green screen wrapped around him. The sight of that. I kept waking up before the alarm, though, and had like 2 or more dreams of when we actually eventually woke up. One of the dreams was one of those situations where I'm up before everyone (like in real life) and I start to wander around. I ended up finding some vending machines outside. One had plastic bags of already opened snacks, in the part where you get your food. I knew that because I figured, if I ever owned vending machines, I'd put unfinished snacks back where they came from. I wouldn't though.

My alarm finally went off, and I saw them kind of react. They just didn't get up. Wasted a good 2 hours. First thing I talked about was the concept of Nate Dogg that I find to be really funny. I would have imported the night's footage, by myself, but I wouldn't know how. Ugh. So, I just started making a new little song. Odd, though. Finished off two of the songs I mentioned from last night. I had to work at 12 so I ate the last of the breadsticks, and we left. I was dropped off at home and my mom took me to work.

An in-credib-ly slow work day. For the first two hours, at least. Then, whatever. I guess, that'd have to be it. Oh reminds me I should mention to mom that she didn't come in for that test she signed up for. Some free physical test, where a guy at a table sits there and talks to people or something. I think there's a machine, but I have no idea what the deal is. He's just set up in front of the bulk section. Doesn't talk to any of us. Of course, except when Tash took her test that she also signed up for. Gah, I was in the same section he was in front of, and I couldn't explain a thing. Except how the first guy signed up looked like Redd Foxx, just darker. I also remember how the tester guy got a phone call in the middle of this guy's test and I found it really funny to think about how the guy is supposed to react. I wanted to get an obnoxiously long shot of the guys face as he's waiting for the test-guy's phone to stop ringing.

I had no idea what I was doing for that first part, though. Nothing to be done. I looked lost because it was so slow. I should have been anxious, but it was just frenzy in my mind. Not any worries. Just "you seriously can't expect me to pretend to be busy." Some new mode. When I was picked up, I ate this new sandwich that i don't remember. No way to enjoy tasting food. Not in the 'organic whole cloves' reference way, but in the way of 'the fact that people think taking something slow will make it more enjoyable.' Which is actually the same reference. "Dude, I read this part in that book you were reading." I mean to say-- Actually I found my answer now. The slow part means to study the senses of the action, in order to kind of think back on it again. So, if I had eaten any slower, I could eat it any other time I want. Drag and drop.

Good sandwich, kinda. Nit.

Back

On this day. Of course, it's the day i wake up at 6:30 to my alarm. In my old room. I sing along with my alarm. I still don't want to wake up. At the same time, my mom is walking into the house to wake me up. I hear her walk down the steps because that's where she thinks I'm sleeping. I keep pretending to look at my phone, so that when she opens the door, she knows I'm already awake. Outside the door, she tells me there's breakfast. I try to kind of get a little stretch more of sleep, until I figure it's useless. Then, I smack my eye to wake myself up, and there we go. No time for that shower I needed. Just time to get to work with that haircut.

I honestly don't know how my hair got to this stage again. The big puffed curly thing I always end up with. There wasn't the stage in between where it starts to get curly. Just already annoying hair that I was trying to grow just so i can get a good haircut. Day went by fast again because it was grocery. Mom brought the 4 jugs to fill with water, when she came to pick me up. Went home a shower, and read some old magazines with interviews of Outkast and Goodie Mob. Wanted to dose off. Instead, Fide and Grant came over. It was planned, but almost a chance to sleep.

They kept asking about fruit to eat, and they were looking around my room trying to tease me for being serious. Turns out, I'm fine. I did great. Only problem now, is that I hadn't been able to fit in any exercise in the past month. I noticed, but no one else did. Always the problem. You can never tell. Nick, to make himself feel better sometimes, tries to tell me I'm trying to make myself feel better when I talk about how I know I'm doing better in the fitness area. Heh, not related to the situation, though. Anyway, after a while of whatever, we leave. My mom says she's going to buy me something for dinner this night, for when I come back. Yeah, we left my house and headed to Grant's.

I kind of feel 'eh' because their latest mindset has just been the Twill project. I wasn't so excited about it soon after I came up with it, but I guess the right mood makes it better. Still, when I found out that we can work on anything ad that the Twill video wasn't going to be the main focus, I became enthused. I said, "In that case, let's just do a quick talkshow video." So we did. Somewhat of a Cool Winners show, but it couldn't be any type of Cool Winners Show because it doesn't play on what it means to be a cool-winner. An average talkshow type thing, with bloopers and all. Finally got over that "love doctor" idea I'd been wanting to do. Easy. I hope I look ok when the video is done. It's kind of not my character.

Grant's parents got us some pizzas, that we were excited about using in the video. After all the mess, we did end up getting back to Twill. Of course, it ws a different song. I guess the whole Twilogy thing is ok as side-project. I mean, for me, it's strictly a side-project. Still, we worked on a pretty good new track. Hah. Then, another. I also got to finish my cosmic girl song. Not what I was expecting, but ok for now. We also very quickly made a little bit of an old-fashioned 'rap diss, aimed at Grant's brother and his friend's little rap group they started. Nice. Oh yeah Fide recorded 2 songs by accident. Hm. At a certain point, they copped out and wanted to go to bed. Eh.

Whoa, i guess that was it.

Twenty Eight Too Late

Finished that library book that got wet yesterday. Strange bump on my arm that may have just been a bite. Always hard to digest when reading about bites and bumps on skin. Just found out what I look like. Monster-ish. Haircut, probably. I'll get straightened out. I guess it takes a while.

I mean, no matter how I fought it, I did eventually get some type of used to Windy Hill. So, it'll be over one month alone. Things aren't settling yet, though. Imagine the wake-up call today. "Your job has brainwashed you." Don't you think I know? It's my brain, of course I know when it's not doing what it should. This was earlier today when Grant and Fide clearly called me on speaker phone, while on the bus to some field trip. I won't find out until later, what the trip was. All of my answers to their questions were just that drastically normal "uh.. yeah?" and "...sure" that show not much of a character. They thought they saw a huge change in their friend. The least likely of anyone they knew to fall into some mind-numbed normality. Without a doubt, the least likely to.

In what became their little experiment, their antics were pure exploitation. Me- exploited. That's the only unlikely thing I cared for. Behold. The transformation into... "normal." Literally, literally, a reverse-freakshow. Still, little does anyone know, I actually am very basically immune to brainwash. That's all I can say about that, really. I should mention qualities of myself, when I'm trying to mention qualities of who they think I've become. Really, it's not that much of a mantle anymore. Once you've gotten past each conversation you have with yourself when you're of a certain issue. "Let Me Live My Life Man."

Common theme of today- just the ever-presence of the word "life." It's either all just life, or it's all just words. Not only one thing and that's it, but I mean the big IT is either all of it or it's just what people think it is- both in addition to what it turns out to be. All of the things it turns out to be. I think I might've thought, the other night, that "is" is probably all there is. Past, present, future types of folks. Not that whole thing. Actually.

"...tomorrow is taking too long, and yesterday is too far away. and the reality of what you believe in begins to bind."

The quote eventually leads back to the issue of trust. The first topic from the first moment of New Year's Eve. Who knew? If anyone wants to trust in me, I wouldn't disappoint.. eventually. No, get this- either it's the whole "nobody is spending that much time thinking about you." or there actually are those situations where generally anyone shows any type of interest in anything I do, and I kind of set them up for something good- but then I just disappoint. I just wonder if anyone else has this character trait about them.. Still, this year so far, one example of trusting in me happened and that's why I'm here. This house may just be a "promised" land. No, I'm not putting too much importance in myself, that's actually what happened. I was supposed to come back and fix things. Hah. Undo that little knot that the House-Buyers got themselves into. Really, I don't think anything can stop the House-Buyers from just feeling righteous about buying houses eventually. If I didn't know any better, it looks like the way to actually Buy-A-House is to start out with Renting-A-House. A little training wheels game.

This group of friends was just House-Buyers. Like the Hope Diamond. Each previous owner is cursed, and probably rightfully so because of what a diamond actually is. That's half what my mom said. She said the coincidence is just in their bad energies. I'd add on the idea that if I absolutely had to just own a diamond, I can literally just see a cartoon image of myself throwing it over my head and behind my back into the mud. The same as gold. What on earth is jewelry? Too easy. Still, how House-Buying is like the Hope Diamond: you'd better make sense of your goals quick. What could you be talking about? Again, for myself:

"You'd better make sense of your goals quick."

There. House-Buyers. A House-Buying situation. Over.

Well. Just got back frim bowling. Hah. Mobile posting. The "family" and Chaz. Oh yeah, limited space. So, later.

While I'm At

Ok, cool. I can't find that thing I was writing. I just wrote it, sitting on my bed. Where would it just be. It's not in my file cabinet drawer of old notebooks and sketchbooks. Not where it 'should' just be. I must be out of it. That's how I kind of was earlier. I was actually lost at work today. Unable to end a 2-sentence conversation, not knowing that a door can be pulled open, thinking someone is not talking to me. That doesn't happen to me. Not so blurrily. Now that is was hours ago, it can actually just have been a dream. I'd hate to admit it, but this must just be what "high" is. So degrading, but through no influence. I know for fact that's what the same "feeling" is. Yet, there is the idea of the 13 year old "whoa that movie was trippy lol, I must be on drugs" eyeing the approval of whoever showed the movie in the first place. Sweat and grogginess in the film as some goal to be acheived on some seasonal night of the year.

Like Justin, biting my lip to see if I'm gone yet. {bites bottom lip}
No.
My only point of reference is that burst of "Oh my god, I'm not here! I'm not here" or any other hot air balloon feeling in your head that I am trying to legitimately say is a feeling I feel and have felt for the larger number of my days. I'm not the gaggle of coworkers telling you "I'm just having one of my days" or joking about someone else being "special." How have I known those conversations before even knowing what it is to have a coworker? It's like you can pick up on it. The nights you actually do something to "not be here." Before that, the entire day is full of things happening and remarks you only could have made after the fact.
Still. What was it? That vision of everything being kind of watercolor.
After 3:15, only. The entire day before that, was just self-indulgent. Then I get back to my new routine, and... I have no idea what my new routine is. Looking uncoordinated. Causing others to slow down. Yet, obviously the clock is faster than usual. It's possible.

Still, for the past hour or so, I had been looking for that notebook. No idea which one. It's like when someone doesn't recognize a new person. This particular notebook only existed that one day, and then left. "Peace out." Well, while that may be- I still don't know where it is.

Now- if people can truly just make gold and kind of keep it under a mattress, then I don't know. At a stand still about us who leave a trail behind for spontaneous un-reasons.

Gave myself an idea of where to look, though. Also gave me relativity to someone else's though. Always accomplishment, somehow. Oh yeah and I sent this message:

"For the sake of it all, it's a three month cycle. The changes happen 2 weeks at a time. Unit of measurement, yes but for the sake of it all."

So. Whatever.

Hey he.

This Is Yesterday

I woke up 'this' morning just thinking about getting a phone. So, later I did just get one. It's actually pretty great, I don't see what the fuss is. My mom was going that way, so she kind of helped me get there and so it went. Asked for exactly what i was looking for and I got it. Almost too simple.

Well, of course since I was already in mom's car, I ended up going to where she was going. Pep Boys, hah. She was getting her tires rotated. I was actually planning on going to the high school to see whoever it is I should see. Of course, tire rotations take a while, mostly for it to be our turn. Still, I guess it gave me the chance to try out what i can do with my new... phone.

Eventually I was back home, and Nick and Alex were coming over. Blah and then we ended up just going to Nick's and all this other drain drain. Alex left and it became one of those nights again. Except it was one of those nights plus a phone. I guess I have to work my way up to other types of nights except plus a phone. Just a lot of junk that goes missing each time, that I have to piece together. nothing I'm interested in, but.. narnia.

Well, I was in the middle of something so.

High Pitch

Same as yesterday. Unfortunately, the only difference in today and yesterday is what's on television. Honestly.

A lost of words because of their repetition. So, how far can I take today in comparison to what it actually is. As far as I'm concerned, the days that I didn't remember couldn't have possibly happened. That same old "what if I'm the only real person" routine. It's ok, I don't think that way. I just build upon.

There was a slug on the pert of the door in my room, under the actual handle but not on the actual door itself. I let it outside. If I can remember that, then I can remember today. A lot of people claiming to have had headaches, today. Not me. Pancakes and bacon, again though.

The other day I kind of started trying out this writing of, well honestly it could only be called novel because of the style that I'm kind of automatically assuming. The title had kind of floated around for about a month at least because it's just so upfront. The Last Year Of All Time. Easy. Practice, then. I was kind of going to imagine that being in a series of a certain blatantly titled novel-types. Still, the titles might just distract the entire intention. But hey, I'm not wrong. "It's not a waste of time." Just heard that one on that tel-v. Awards.

I'll figure. Just he. Alright, good one though.

Forgetting How To Freak Out

Hi, lawlz. Just a second ago, I was having one of those freak outs I have when I realize all the people who know each other. The whole mutual friends thing. Just nothing I can do. My mom just made what would actually be a great dinner, for how it was made. No idea where this stuff came from, but no I just don't like fruits in my dinner so that's why I personally... gah how do I explain..? Besides the fact that I personally find it confusing to eat a fruit in my dinner and how unexpected it was for me to eat the asparagus, but it was [some word that actually means good according to meal-cooker standards] for a meal cooked with no oven, basically. I don't know. just trying to explain that she must have done a lot for a little, but that may be far-fetched.

Got next week's schedule. Another 6 days. A panic because my mom is right. People would be glad to have those hours. Yet, I need more time to... eh who am I kidd-ong? If I would have had a job earlier in life, i would understand time-management. Ha, irony. There were books on that subject yesterday, in the library. I actually debated. Probably the reason I feel down about work in the first place. Basically the same thing as food, drugs, and bang-alotta. Freud, trying to but not 100%. I must have been trying to warn myself. Metaphor of the hours at work being an open wound literally 'gushing' blood. Something's got to slow that down. Metaphor of the previous and a white lie. Whichever bandage is chosen will cause a lot of other of that same bandage to be used. Hah typos in the present-perfect tense. Agh yes aggravation at how the things I've learned appear at the times most vulnerable to audacity.

Laughed a lot today, which is less of a good sign than I just now thought. Actually scared for a second that I've actually warmed up to working. Yeah today was proof of that. Sitting down under that nightmare camera. Laughing at jokes I don't even like, just because they're jokes. Actually saying "what?" to coworker. Forgetting things, almost. That one might be the scariest. Well, now that I think about it, work was my day today. Since I woke up at approximately 11:30 and went in at 12. It's all I had time for, actually.Then only half a day in between now and working again, in which I work the entire time the store is open plus one hour. Where the hell is my boiling point? When the hell do I discover that thing that people do to get their minds off it? It's actually designed to not be like school. That's why I have to be somewhat of a person that most people can relate to. No, no, no, no. I have to- my god I just forgot. A blank. Literally, someone just rease my memory. I bet the internet might cut off or something might replace what I'm saying with some bs. Erasing proof that I actually, gah all I can think to say is some egotistical mess that opposed the point I am making. Well if it's anywhere near egotistical, then you know what I would have been getting at. If I just state "that's why I'm the main character" then it's just that character flaw that I just imagine to be an awkwardly shaped naked white boy basking in the sunset. With a stupid haircut.

Well. Not much I can do. I'm imagining a mixture of what that one song has taught me and how to spend my time off. I remember "you ever notice when you're off of work, it's ok to actually just do nothing?" Now it's true. What Nick said. Actual private time by myself. Time to either think or tweedle around-er I'm sorry to tinker around with something. Or to "thinker" with something. Something like, eh what somethings do I know how to "thinker" around with? How can I steer this away from innuendo?

"The only thing that keeps me sane is the thought that I have all eternity in which to perfect my art."

Hey guyz

Pillow Though

Actually an hour later but malfunctions. Almost throwing in the towel until I remembered last night's technique. Restarting the computer. I had never trusted that logic before. Bare feet too, actually. This bandage won't stay on my hand. That's for me to remember. Ok, and today I've been dealing with my eyesight. There's just no way to prove how well my eyesight was until now. I really hope it's just the cold weather, like it was last year.

Ok, so work first thing. I was kind of on edge. For the first half of the day, yesterday wasn't over. Everything I heard, I expected to be trouble. It wasn't the trouble I expected, so it didn't matter. All I ended up hearing was chuffer talk, to keep me worrying. Then, I actually heard "I see you did a lot yesterday," and it actually meant that all the work I did actually showed. I didn't see it when I was done, yesterday, but at least it crept in somehow. After that, i really did not want anything else to be told to me. I actually planned on saying that, too. So, I was ready for it to be done.

Mom came to pick me up, and I was expecting the stuff she had planned to be earlier. When I saw her, she was debating whether or not to sign up for some free physical test, tomorrow. She did, and we left. Since nothing was happening until later, we deposited my check and she dropped me off at the library. Homeless man introduced himself. I got three fiction and three non-fiction. I didn't mean for that to happen, but I must've set my limit to 6 books. Just some bs.

I guess when I came back home I jsut started downloading videos. Old videos I had made, videos Nick made, one that Grant posted of mine, and various classmate videos. I did my thing, and ended up with a personal little freakout. It won't be one of the memorable ones, but it's definitely one of those to start off another one of our little renaissances. If anyone but me sees it, though,..

First thing when mom got back, was to eat at Stask and Shane. Odd, kind of. It was actually very cold. We came back home for a second, then we went bowling. Yeah, I figured I'd be tired by this time. Wasn't that bad, but we ordered quesadillas. Required fun, basically. Fide was texting and calling, thinking he was missing something but it's just a Friday for him. I have no idea when my next Friday is. For that matter, I have no idea when my next Friday is. Ok vision.

We went back to the Windy Hill house so Mom could get some sheet she forgot. Actually picked up some laundry, and I scoped for anything we may have left there. Hell if anything of mine is lying around there. I still have no idea where my box of clothes is. Probably in the worst place possible, just because it's nowhere to be found. I'm not explaining correctly. Two more 8 hour days left, that I know of. I'd better go.

end

That's Why It

Ok, I actually didn't expect to miss a couple days of hey. Today was another payday of course, so I was at work of course. $280 kind of. Don't know. An actual hard day at work, I think. Just aggravating that everyone particularly knows about how avocados are when they're ripe. Really don't want to talk about that part, though. I'm kind of in the middle of fixing up my room. Thinking about what to put the stereo on top of and where to actually put it, in order to keep that side of the room as open-ended as possible- if that means anything to me. Kind of reluctantly making a place for CD's in my closet. Record are the only thing of that category that makes sense in a closet.

Also entertaining the idea of the whole steampunk-style bs. Er, that one post-apocolyptic deal just because such a place is my room, where I plan on manifesting myelf. You know- to celebrate the thought of where I ended up after all of anything. Anything big or small that has happened. Continues to feel like it, though. Trying to believe tomorrow's work will go by quicker. Today was just one of those "I did a lot of extra good stuff, but everyone else is going to only notice the negatives." I don't try to speak out about things like how I actually haven't made any mistakes so far. Only saying it here because of the whole cathartic thing. Hah! Speaking of which, one year ago the same situation about the actual word "catharsis." Just like in 5th grade when I knew that the symbol is called a 'hyphen' and I just didn't finish answering because I get that feeling of "my god, this has suddenly become the wrong answer." Plus, all these scrapes and cuts and general wounds I keep getting on the job. Working during my break. I don't know the rules. Am I more likely to "postal" because I keep it all inside?

I left a note on the "shift communication" thing, last week. When I finished writing it, I looked at it for a while. I looked at it for a while because I'm constantly aware of the camera right above me. The same reason I had those two dreams. I was looking at the note that I had written, and it made me think about how well I had actually crafted what I said. It showed my style of writing, a pretty good word choice, a main idea and its details, and some pretty outstanding grammar. All the things that they look for in the high school graduation writing tests. It was a tiny note, but still. For what? I'm working in a produce section. Is this proof that everybody eventually gets a job? This doesn't necessarily show my mood lately, though. I kind of figured this 6 day work week would get to me. Today was proof, to me, that there is such thing as a prototypical "hard day at work."

I can write well enough. So, I sort veggies.

Also impressed with... Well if I say it, then there goes the criticism. I'm trying to treat myself in the past as being another person, now, for the fact that I want to seem impressed by that guy. That guy actually impresses me, a lot. Mostly when I find old drawings of ours in old sketchbooks. I didn't expect to find more than what I already had in Fondue Social. Yet, I found that huge sketchbook of mine and struck gold.

What if people decorated the room with theme of their self? Neglecting all previous styles- reasonable of course, since everyone is subconsciously inspired. Agh, I don't mean "styles" exactly, but I mean to avoid actually going for that style goal. Kind of like how I'm considering the actual style-goal type of thing with that factory/clockwork/apoco-coco/stamepank thing I mentioned, for example. To actually set out to "decorate" your room and instead of looking in some vain of decent cliche, just putting a bunch of things that you did all over the place in a stylized manner. To do away with the obvious- posters of yourself or things you've put on paper, portraits.. self-portraits, actual printed and bound journals you've written, and hahah a bunch of tapes and dvd's of yourself kind of sitting around in your movie collection. Then you get to the furniture and that's where everyone differs the most. Self-made furniture is valid in the sense that you actually just built it with you in mind- whatever that might mean. Not in the sense that the piece of furniture is "an expression of yourself" because that actually ruins the entire concept I'm explaining. It'd make more sense to decorate previusly made stuff with just yourself. Once again, not little expressions of yourself, but actual aspects of yourself that most likely annoy you or others. What I mean is that the end-product is your own little idea, not the things in it.

In the immediate idea, any post-apocolyptic style is probably ideal because at that point, you can incorporate anything ever. Your room, or anything you're putting together, can actually just be the end of civilization and backward. Just set a date, and avoid everything after it. I don't do style, though. Hah as if people would ever dress that whimisically. Actually laughing at Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland because of how no one would actually do all that in their daily dress. I guess that's where he's going with his "you'd have to be mad as a hatter" in order to dress that way all the time. That's actually a better idea than I thought. I didn't think I cared. He's definitely one of those subconscious NLP teachers of ideas. I really didn't think I cared.

So after that "hard" day at work, all I'm thinking is fashion and style. That's legitimately "new." I'll see what I can do. Sounds pretty teenaged. But I go through my phases of whether or not I find anything redeemable about customizable clothing and interior choices.

Ok, that's the that's the.

Busy All Thimble

Hey, this is actual. Legitimacy, picked up once again! And right away, I have a bone to pick about that feeling in my throat! My throat is irritated! I can deal with that later. I was just eating carrots from the job. Yeah, today is the day we finally have the 'net in this ol' home.

Still cold, which is the last thing. Finally got the keys made. Finally back to using my old Pizza keychain. I'd like to say I was hungry, just for fun. Probably won't get the chance to have said this, but last night I finally paid for something with my debit card. How long has it been? Last update being the 15th of February. This being the first of March. I'd like to fill in that space..but that'll have to literally be what I will do. My latest wound has begun to grow tougher.

Oh yeah, but the actual today. I was up because my mom came home. She was telling me that the cable guy was here. Looking back, I realize how awkward she must have felt while having a guy working on something in your house. I woke up just not trusting what was going on. I didn't want the man to see me so they just put the other box in the other room. Lying in bed, I just kept on thinking about how, of all times, it would just be a shock for me to be my mom's son. I had never thought about my mom and me being different colors. Nothing negative, just one of those thoughts that sneak out of the closing door when you're waking up.

I kind of wanted to spend some time just kind of here, today but neh. It's the first of the month-hah- so my mom wanted to take me to withdraw my $400 from my account. Figured I'd go to the library then enjoy the rest of the day after that. Then, she explained that she had some things to do, so I just went with her. I took another pretty good shower and first we head to a Kroger in Atlanta. I wait in the car because she had to go in really quick to rotate some coffee displays. While waiting, I thought about how I might want some dressing for those carrots from work. I got out of the car and she was already walking out. She was with a friend who actually works there who she wanted me to meet. They talked while I just kind of stared. From where I was, two separate er logos.. on the front of two stores formed the word "EyeDentist." I figured that'd come up later. We were in the middle of people driving in and out but hey. Left, and went to the other side of town to a Best Buy. Pretended to sound interested in cameras and TVs. I wasn't expecting to get that album I had been listening to for that one part of February.

Eh. Got the money, post office before that, ended up only dropping off the library books, and got keys made. That was a today-day. A day that ended up being after yesterday. Pre-requisite. Hah, accomplish again. Making up fake quotes? Yeah, I'll figure it out.

Hope I don't get back problems.