At Least

Ah, erm. I wanted to say something about not being allowed to brag about my own personality traits, or something. Hold up, my leg is bouncing up and down while my arm iss resting on itt. I'm typing. Yeah I mean, half of me is thinking that the pressure should be on. Most of me agrees that things are going ok. Things are going according to plan, I suppose. Then comes the unplanned. Heh, my dad is in the hospital right now, after a car accident. Of course, I am unable to head to Atlanta to visit him. I'm just not sure about how I am reacting. I am sure that anything I can say right now, about this situation, would be considered exploitation. To myself, at least. Ok, let me just say that this is an example of me thinking rather than feeling. If we can put aside the severity of the problem, I just want to reflect on this aspect... Well, I don't know.. People that are motivated by feelings, are they the ones who announce to the world this type of stuff? This is going to be a hard thought-process to untangle, though.

No feelings happen when I get news like this, which cannot be a bad thing, but if they did... what would they be? Worry vs. Concern... What am I doing right now? What should I be doing right now? I am at ease, for the most part. I just don't know if I should be. My left leg is shaking, and that is all. The same leg was shaking around this time, last year. I was just writing a story and I noticed the things that must be on my mind right now. Once again, the news has found its way into my thoughts. Yesterday was the first I had even heard of those miners in Chile. That aggravated me, at first. Some news story that I didn't even know about, having an almost ineffective outcome. Comedians had to break that piece of news to me. Why am I hearing this story, and why will it be in my subconscious for a while? I guess the story was irrelevant to me, until now. I won't explain why.

Let's try it this way. I woke up at eleven, and was alert by 11:30. Today, I had plans for me to: message two people about my phone number, finish my financial aid thing, and call Hank and my dad. The only thing I did not do was call Hank. I held off on breakfast because I really was not in the mood to give that soy milk another chance. Right. I called my dad, and he didn't answer the first time. I was still in bed. A minute later, he called me back. He seemed to just be waking up, too. Apparently, this was his day off from his new job. He told me that it was a good thing that they gave him a day off because he was feeling a little bit sick. It's flu season, I suppose. It was a short phone call, but he said he would get in touch Saturday. So, my day started. I showered and turned on my computer monitor to see that I had set aside some videos for me to edit today. I guess I edited two, and looked through the rest. Meanwhile, it was my mom who was finishing up my financial aid for me. I didn't expect that at all. Somewhere along the way, I guess the video editing did cut into the afternoon. Not sure if I remember where the time went today.

It was evening, and in a rare occasion, I sat on the couch and watched tv. Actually, I had been encouraging myself to watch tv more often in order to keep myself aware of the ways that shows are written and stuff. I was watching Seinfeld, when I got a call from my dad's phone number. When I answered, I heard my dad's friend. She told me that he was in the hospital after a car accident. In hindsight, this reaction is familiar. I'll try not to keep that in mind. But see, all I can think about is exploitation. How do people react to others when they are in pain? I'm sorry, but if I say what is actually going on in my head, then..

Every thought is going through my head. The hilarity, the horror, the satire, the honesty, the memories, the news, the stories, the offense, the defense, the ugly, and whatever the opposites to all those things are. And more. I was already thinking these things, though. It's a paradox because none of this is caused by hearing that my dad is in intensive care, and it is at the same time. Was I already going to talk about something? Was I already planning to talk about my weekend? Will I forget the weekend completely? Hah, it's officially Friday. When did my weekend end? What am I allowed to be thinking about? Should I be concentrating on getting to hospital to visit my dad? Should I be thinking about things to cover that whole thing up?
Current Mood: Waiting.
Let's be honest, I'll do the family thing and "keep him in my prayers," at the very least. I guess all that is really on anyone's mind at the minute, though, is get-rich-quick. Nothing unexpected, just really amplified to me.. you know, besides this entry's main concern and due to loss of interest in certain other folks. I was really wanting to write about how I have over 14 things that I am working on. I already did that, kinda. It was just going to be about me being slick about the fact that I am able to handle various things with no problem. Then I was going to have the realization that I am not even actively working on those things. That's out of the question, I guess. Now, all I can think is "well, my dad's in the hospital" when I'm trying to maintain focus on this keyboard. That quote is really a balancing act. I'm imagining that I really should not imagine anything too far to the right of that statement. If anything, I'll lean more to the left. On the left, are the good thoughts. Alright, fine. I can't even remember what mental disorder that is. Doesn't matter though.

Yeah, too many things at once. Too many thoughts at once, rather. I know I am not in denial, (don't speak in absolutes) and I know that at the very back of my mind I really just want to mention an episode of King of the Hill that I just watched. Nothing really, just the fact that Bobby was in "the hole" at the military camp, er academy thing that he was sent to. Chile, again. The story I was just writing, again. "Keep him in your prayers," again. The right side.

At the end, I guess there's no use in worrying about others exploiting emotions when they feel more than they think. It all comes back to personality types. Thinkers and feelers. It also comes back to that Stephen King interview I just read. He mentioned something hypothetical about getting into a car accident and thinking "this is just like the movies" rather than being worried about his safety. I'll admit, my heart just skipped when my eyes moved from the name Stephen King up to where I had written King of the Hill, but ah well. Connecting things. I'll ignore it if I have to. As of now, I still haven't read anything by the man. Just about him. It's almost like when I started listening to Frank Zappa. I just read his quotes. Then came the 3 discs of music. Eh, whatever. Wish I could stick to one topic, though. Also, my aunt thinks that my dad might have blacked out before the accident because my dad's friend said he hadn't eaten before then. Could also be the flu. Or any other sickness that would be going around. At the end of it all, it's probably just more exploitation.

I can't even tell where I am thinking.

Nothings

Noticing that 16th of this month actually might not have happened.

It was ok because I was actually kind of waking myself up, this morning. I thought I wouldn't have an ok time waking up because I didn't get much sleep last night. Seems like someone was watching my back in the sleep department. Hard to explain, but it did explain a lot. My point was that I had to wake up early this morning. Gah, the missing pieces.

Today was anticipated to be a big day at the store. Life fest. Not only that, but the spring Life Fest. I really just can't get over it. Everyday is either just a celebration or a question of mortality. This is just LIFE we're fooling with. Don't overlook your puns and wordplay. This is life. Life. My friends and I all hear it each time we hear that one sound clip of the "Life-Life life life." It's Life. My god.

Still, I was 100% in my own head the entire day. Thinking about the morning, over-reacting, last night's conversation, college, human behavior (literally, literally), and now just trust and byrony. hah.

Right now, I just finished an entire jug of water, I have the stereo playing, but I'm trying to figure out how to make use of the night after that nap I just took after I walked home. All I can think to do is try to tell everyone what I'm doing right now. It's because of the encouragement, though. One of those nights, where they like the stupid little things you do. All I am is really just ashamed of my phone, my diploma, and of course just the word "life". Oh yeah I was also thinking about where things finally pay off. Ashamed that everyone who has ever gotten anywhere and claimed it was a struggle may just have done exactly the same things I've done.

Just in time for Frankenstein, again. If I am not mistaken, the kids in school are studying it again. It's important that i know which piece and era of literature. Just- if only I still knew where to find that diagram of the literary eras. haunting, but hey why not.

My God, imagine the musicals that must go on in someone's padded cell.

Actually primal screaming. I'm aiming and hitting. A battle of two different muses. Fueling each other. Don't flatter one's self.

K, my smell.

To Have Done

Lot of to-do list type of stuff in the past 30 minutes. Cleared the to-do list of things to put on my to-do list. Listening to the Parliament was on my to-do list. Last time, Regina Spektor. I have to remind myself what I'm in the mood for. It works out, when it's supposed to. Actual white wine, though.

Another payday, but really subtle. Generous amount, but not a lot off emphasis. Today and yesterday, kind of anxious about the fact that I have the phone that other people have been getting. The one that I just found out to be on a billboard. It's fine, though. I'm Me. It's a triumph for me, when looked at by those others. I just finally want to make sure I'm able to get things settled. So I don't have to put all my eggs in one baskets. Really wish it was bricks, for some reason.

I want to fix my voice. I want us to be able to have full control over our health. I mean, within reason. It's ok, generosity again. I'll have it figured. Accidental marriage. Gah, bad timing.

Alright, I hav-- oh yeah I was supposed to mention that today was shot in a different style. People have become aware of the things that I have become aware of but only in one instance. Pride and the consequence. Took a walk because of my dream last night. One person who would never sing a song that they were singing. A walk through my high school years after being ousted. The dream of course. Void. Enough sleep, though. Part two. Then, on track.

Not even.

Busy All Thimble

Hey, this is actual. Legitimacy, picked up once again! And right away, I have a bone to pick about that feeling in my throat! My throat is irritated! I can deal with that later. I was just eating carrots from the job. Yeah, today is the day we finally have the 'net in this ol' home.

Still cold, which is the last thing. Finally got the keys made. Finally back to using my old Pizza keychain. I'd like to say I was hungry, just for fun. Probably won't get the chance to have said this, but last night I finally paid for something with my debit card. How long has it been? Last update being the 15th of February. This being the first of March. I'd like to fill in that space..but that'll have to literally be what I will do. My latest wound has begun to grow tougher.

Oh yeah, but the actual today. I was up because my mom came home. She was telling me that the cable guy was here. Looking back, I realize how awkward she must have felt while having a guy working on something in your house. I woke up just not trusting what was going on. I didn't want the man to see me so they just put the other box in the other room. Lying in bed, I just kept on thinking about how, of all times, it would just be a shock for me to be my mom's son. I had never thought about my mom and me being different colors. Nothing negative, just one of those thoughts that sneak out of the closing door when you're waking up.

I kind of wanted to spend some time just kind of here, today but neh. It's the first of the month-hah- so my mom wanted to take me to withdraw my $400 from my account. Figured I'd go to the library then enjoy the rest of the day after that. Then, she explained that she had some things to do, so I just went with her. I took another pretty good shower and first we head to a Kroger in Atlanta. I wait in the car because she had to go in really quick to rotate some coffee displays. While waiting, I thought about how I might want some dressing for those carrots from work. I got out of the car and she was already walking out. She was with a friend who actually works there who she wanted me to meet. They talked while I just kind of stared. From where I was, two separate er logos.. on the front of two stores formed the word "EyeDentist." I figured that'd come up later. We were in the middle of people driving in and out but hey. Left, and went to the other side of town to a Best Buy. Pretended to sound interested in cameras and TVs. I wasn't expecting to get that album I had been listening to for that one part of February.

Eh. Got the money, post office before that, ended up only dropping off the library books, and got keys made. That was a today-day. A day that ended up being after yesterday. Pre-requisite. Hah, accomplish again. Making up fake quotes? Yeah, I'll figure it out.

Hope I don't get back problems.

Cold Supposed

Today is just generally a "cold" day. That's the basis. Other things are little sprouts from just the factor that it feels these temperatures when you're outside. It stings.

I woke up and I was having these dreams, kind of while I was waking up and then when I was awake. I don't know. I dreamt that I was at a combination of Woodpointe (apartments by the school, where Nick lives) and what is now called Madison at the Knolls (where I used to live.) I was having an internal debate on whether or not I should be trying to impress a certain point. It was already a situation where things would end up negative because of how things always go in the past, but when I didn't think about it- I was kind of impressive. Then, when I thought about it, I wasn't able to control what I was saying and then I had to keep making up for what I was saying. That's how my dreams are. Hah, that's that scheme of how all my old dreams used to be. Good to know I actually am back. Oh and there were breakfast burritos there, too. When I kind of woke up, I tried to focus on that dream for a while and I think I ended up falling into another dream that kind of continued it. My debate that I was having caused my to try to prove to everyone that I was having this debate, so I went as far as to take a bus for no reason. On the bus, there were some folks I had went to school with [now that I think about it, they might've been the ones I happened to see the last time I rode the bus.] and they were kind of shouting or something. I listened, and when I realized that I was on this bus for no reason, I tried to find the thing you pull to get off. I think I woke up.

Oh and before all of that, I think I had a pretty stressful dream. I don't know. I think I had a few. In that one way.

So, today. I made sure to get some sleep. I had a bunch. Had to bathroom, but I had to wait. Secret shop, 10 piece chicken er. Wrok. Brought back some frees. Tash brought me some DVDs. I'll be doing that before I sleep. A couple of shirry films, somewhat. One of them is actually an incredible idea. It should be in a list of mine, one day. This is all that's kind of going on in my life for this moment. I'd try to seize the day or the whole 'live like it is your last' stuff, but I'm not even sure. I guess I can't say I don't.

And yesterday, literally nothing to explain. I was so close to just posting a review about the new Fox series Past Life because I actually sat down to watch it. That's what I did, yesterday. Put more money in the bank, I think. So, I guess it adds up. The days, I mean.

Good Nigh

Keep On Going Further

Back cracks. "This doesn't exist until I put it on the paper."

Laundry, then scouting for some "we buy golds." Not really, just the one in the mall. Felt bad for some reason, but we got a check. Yeah. If we get messed up, then oh well. Turns out, I'm not greedy, though. Good to know. Oh and before that, we sold 2 dvd's. I got $4.38 store credit. See, not too bad. What I was expecting. Finally deposited that check, and ok should stop talking about money. Just the case.

Heh, since no one else'd find it interesting, I kind of have to mention that leprechaun I saw yesterday, peeking out from behind the corner in the one gold place we went to. Now just one of those nights where I watch interviews. Sorry, but today was just more moment.

That's enough.

Near The

Went to see the house again, today. My idea for the basement seems to work out perfectly. Got a little anxious when I thought about if I really know what I'm doing. I'll know if things don't work out. This video I just watched kind of gave me some hope, though. One of my newer favorite aspects about making movies- set design.

Yeah, I'll be fine. Tried to sell some more gold, today. Wasn't too sure about the price the guy offered. So, we didn't sell. I wonder if this is like one of those representations of this period of time in history.. How "we buy gold" appears more often and people talking about moving and getting jobs.. I'm completely unaware of the times, so I hope I don't end up speaking for anyone. When we do end up selling it, it should be enough to get utilities switched over or something. No rent until March. Hm. Too good to be true, so far. Either way, I'm ready to check "Live somewhere else" off of my 6 month to-do list. Then, I'm sure all the other crud will get checked off after.

That's basically it. Practiced my future 'daily routine' in the basement, too. Then of course, when I mention that, I think of how much of a nail in a coffin type of thing the phrase 'daily routine' must be, but ha I actually wrote an essay on that general scenario. Not exactly the same as what I wrote, but it's kind of just "light at the end of the pregnant" or "hope on the horizont" kind of thing because it's just. hey. Like shore, too. That's kind of why religion uses so many metaphors and references about light. I've come to discover that religion is based in a lot 'recovery.' Whenever you're out of it, you can always just take whatever has been distracting you and replace it with whichever church you like. Some people need it a lifetime, some people need it just to get back on their feet. There we have it. Nothing too assertive in my words to make anyone feel too strongly, right? I'm not trying to make a new point, but I'm making sure that I know that I've noticed it. Should've used examples, but that's for another time.

Now, I'm convinced I was thinking about that earlier today. Even though the only reason I brought it up just then was to explain to myself why

Literally just got distracted by that gold necklace hanging from a thumbtack. I've become like that one Gollum hey. Literally no reason not to just hock it. Chill up my spine. Actually imagining getting a meat cleaver and cutting it in half so it looks like it's still there, while I take the other half. Heh, well at least I still have patience to fall back on.

Sell.

Seriously No Trend

Just need to remind myself to check that other 'professional' email account.

It's crazy to watch honey dripping into a bigger container of honey. I got a check. I don't know where it's from, though. Plus, I'm lying. Oh yeah, off tomorrow. I deem that my final chance to see that movie I've been trying to nab the opportunity to see. Agh, one of these 'update' types of posts. Well, I have much more to offer each day, but the problem is that, while I'm in someone else's house- the internet is stopped at 12 or earlier. Bullpie. But if self-indulgence and crazy notions about the future is (or are) the reason(s) I need to keep track of what the hell has the ability to go on...then, fine. I wonder if I'll have the.. oh my god I can't remember the 'I' word. Ok, "initiative." The initiative to ugh... 'draw' then I'll at least know I can think (heh can't remember that figure of speech) at the... _______. Or something.

That's what usually happens. Clearly, I'm allowed to give myself a break, but I can't tell. I don't have "anything on my mind." Seems like it's just goals. One of those "anything you set yer mind to. Hey." binds. I'm basically (ha a reason to use the word again) involved in this glitch where I'm able to describe a day that I wasn't supposed to remember.

Oh yeah, I need to sit and think of every single memory I can remember. I bet I can. The first one is always that time I fell off the go-cart at my dad's friend Martin's house. I can't remember if that where I got those scrapes on my face or if it was that time I feel on some brick stairs at the projects. Heh the go-cart was probably more bodily. Oh yeah and the time I laid on my back right in an ant pile, pretending to be a dog trying to get its belly rubbed. Uncle Jerry's friend, or whoever, rubbed calamine lotion on my back. Ugh. Still, if I can remember I poured honey and got a check today, then I should be good. Ah, and Tash driving me back here with Chaz. They got their apartment or whatever. That cake I ate today because it expired today. How I vividly remember one week ago, them being put in display. While my mom was being forced to listen to a joke that someone was forced to try to say. Pretending not to know specifics.

Ha, the juxtaposition of all the stupid places you end up in the course of your life. Hiking with people who would later become enemies, while imagining that you're a monkey or something. The first time I ever got a hold of the word "bee-otch" er "beyotch" or whatever. My aunt's Marilyn Manson phase and how incredibly unlikely that'd seem, kind of. Using my camcorder to record a music video about a "bandanna and a vendetta," not fully knowing what a "vendetta" is. And I'll always remember when I broke my favorite root beer mug. That entire apartment. Oh man, those kittens. Star. A dog named "Tank?" Gah, this all has existed.

Memories. Which reminds me. Photographic memory.

Greedy, kinda.

Well, I've been planning how I'm going to omit the highlight of my day for a while. Today was at least not one to be overlooked, I guess. Same as yesterday, I woke up and went straight to the mall (instead of the airport.) Yeah, but I did eat pancakes, though. I was laughing all the way back from the mall, too. I guess it was a genuine example of the feeling of 'joy.'

Whoa forgot this was going on. But yeah, on the way back I picked up my stuff from Nick's car. I'm missing the black t-shirt from my bag. I caught them as they were leaving to go on a "double date." Feels like amoebas. Hm, Buzz Lightyear.

I guess I actually did nothing, then. Today was probably just a catalyst for things to come. Last thing I did on the internet, last night was read about that whole film noir thing that I realize I know a thing or one about. Hah.