I plopped a slice of pizza down on the space next to my laptop, on the table thing that's made for using a laptop in bed. That's enough to get a little bit disgusted with my life lately. Disgusted, specifically because I'd already gotten a pretty unsettling perspective of where my life is at the moment. Though, to know that I can un-selfish-ly say my life is kinda upsetting right now, kind of puts me at ease. It's not terrible but for the first time, I can say it kinda sucks but even then I'm handling it well but I don't know for how long, within reason. Everything is terribly conditional, as well. I already dropped the ball for using the word "laptop" though; as in: "yer life dont suck, ye got a laptop". It's conditional, bruh.
My parents are far away, and so is my older sister with our dog. Before I left for Indiana, back in January I guess, I sorta stole something from Michael's house. It was a little plastic slinky toy that, of course, at some point had been tangled up. One day, I took the time to sit down and untangle it. I took it with me as a token of proof that I can totally fix things if I just work at it, even if some parts of it are still kinda messed up.
What plane of life is that thought process from, anyway? It'd definitely do something in the box office.
As it turns out, what I do though, is come "home," shower (maybe. otherwise, I just wipe my face with an acne scrub thing), toss things from one side of the room to the other, eventually find out that it's too late to begin hanging out with someone, and then stare at things on the web. Now I'm 21 though, I can drink beforehand and gain so much weight. The alternative is actually hanging out with friends, which just makes me anxious about when I'll come back so I can make it to work in the morning. I wake up 15 minutes before work, and show up 3 minutes late. I'm anxious about one of my bosses making the decision to train me on the cash register. I don't want to, I just wanna come in and do the same thing and go home.
The slice of pizza I was eating, though, I got from Matthew who works right next to where I work. One of my most recent oldest friends. I was there hanging out for a bit last night, where I actually bought a sandwich for the hell of it. I wasn't hungry that time, and I wasn't hungry this time. In theory, I ought to save the food for the morning, so I have a reason to wake up. Doesn't work out. Before that, though, I was with a different set of friends. The type of friends that just make me act like a "nice, funny guy". With roommates and coworkers, I'm just "nice" because I need some sort of caution when it comes to the two things that are kinda necessary. I'm nice with these kids though because the caution comes from eh i dont know. Tryna get the summertime high school experience.
Yeah though. Incomplete thoughts, and for that reason, I'm totally not gonna.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Recoil
Alright, so I've made it. At this point I'm finally able to start catching up with myself, hone in on the craft. One thing is waveringly wrong though, at this moment. I have the bodily need of a shower, and I am debating whether or not it would be justified to do that at midnight. I will, I think. There's no way I'd do it in the morning. The odd thing is just that the only other person in the house is someone I still haven't even met. I cant help but imagine how that kind of sums things up lately.
This point in my life will be later looked back upon as that period of time where I was working at Wendy's, debating going to school for the summer, and going to comedy clubs. If anything happens with comedy, I'll just look back on it as a humble beginning. In particular, this being the week before I turn 21, one of the factors is that I'm on a subconsciously consistent search for the reason to keep doing the next thing in line for me. I word it that way because it's not necessarily "a search for a reason to get up in the morning" but a reason to stay up, up, up, and complete that task for the day that will inch me closer to kind of making things work out all over again. Whether or not that happens depends on a lot, but the just-as-consistent truth is that "things won't be the same". We're out of our house. My family is scattered, and the only things that will bring us together are things that can only bring us together had we not even been scattered.
I live with Alex and her boyfriend now. The goal is to get back on my feet and eventually move somewhere with Grant, but I can't figure out how money will work. Eventually, the only option is all of that gaudy success I've always had in mind. The silly stuff, that people always tell you to go to college to ignore. I mean, however long it takes, I still have to work towards the unrealistic. I literally have to, now. Whatever chapters come up will be the spice of it all, but I'm still just as well living some type of journey or whatever.
Points of optimism lately are just the comedy clubs and the possible chance to kinda enter the amature film maker circut. I sort of have a plan. Even today, we kinda got our makeshift writing staff together to plan out possible aspects of a short film we're trying to plop out to turn in to this movie night thing that's going on. Either way, if it works out, we'll have been on the big screen. Something. If that doesn't become a point of optimism, then I don't know. If it works, we'll do more. We'll reach out to others, for style and resources and all that junk. If that gives us a name in the Atlanta scene somehow, then we're totally looking for representation hell yea.
On the other side, I don't know when this will start but, we're going for the comedy market. Luckily we found an open mic night that's not as tense-seeming as the Lauging Skull but still a good place to practice jokes. I don't know what my style will be but that'd take time. I'd rather just get the CoolWin stuff going just to open up the floor to ask someone of management, "Hey can we get, like, a monthly show?" Which, of course, may either lock us in as staples at the venue or just open the door to our style and/or make some sort of name for what we're doing. Shit. Still, the fact that we're doing this and film to get out there, has got to mean something. Otherwise, i dont know, we'll make it a point to the whole "other avenues" type of thing and do other stuff. Do something with the music section, just to kind of get a nod from the music review people to just kind of show that we're slightly just as well inclined to the music thing. Eh. Then we'll get stuck I'm sure, by which point I'd have to remind myself to keep on rotating crops when it comes to making progress. This all just seems reasonable. I've got other things later on I guess.
Enks.
This point in my life will be later looked back upon as that period of time where I was working at Wendy's, debating going to school for the summer, and going to comedy clubs. If anything happens with comedy, I'll just look back on it as a humble beginning. In particular, this being the week before I turn 21, one of the factors is that I'm on a subconsciously consistent search for the reason to keep doing the next thing in line for me. I word it that way because it's not necessarily "a search for a reason to get up in the morning" but a reason to stay up, up, up, and complete that task for the day that will inch me closer to kind of making things work out all over again. Whether or not that happens depends on a lot, but the just-as-consistent truth is that "things won't be the same". We're out of our house. My family is scattered, and the only things that will bring us together are things that can only bring us together had we not even been scattered.
I live with Alex and her boyfriend now. The goal is to get back on my feet and eventually move somewhere with Grant, but I can't figure out how money will work. Eventually, the only option is all of that gaudy success I've always had in mind. The silly stuff, that people always tell you to go to college to ignore. I mean, however long it takes, I still have to work towards the unrealistic. I literally have to, now. Whatever chapters come up will be the spice of it all, but I'm still just as well living some type of journey or whatever.
Points of optimism lately are just the comedy clubs and the possible chance to kinda enter the amature film maker circut. I sort of have a plan. Even today, we kinda got our makeshift writing staff together to plan out possible aspects of a short film we're trying to plop out to turn in to this movie night thing that's going on. Either way, if it works out, we'll have been on the big screen. Something. If that doesn't become a point of optimism, then I don't know. If it works, we'll do more. We'll reach out to others, for style and resources and all that junk. If that gives us a name in the Atlanta scene somehow, then we're totally looking for representation hell yea.
On the other side, I don't know when this will start but, we're going for the comedy market. Luckily we found an open mic night that's not as tense-seeming as the Lauging Skull but still a good place to practice jokes. I don't know what my style will be but that'd take time. I'd rather just get the CoolWin stuff going just to open up the floor to ask someone of management, "Hey can we get, like, a monthly show?" Which, of course, may either lock us in as staples at the venue or just open the door to our style and/or make some sort of name for what we're doing. Shit. Still, the fact that we're doing this and film to get out there, has got to mean something. Otherwise, i dont know, we'll make it a point to the whole "other avenues" type of thing and do other stuff. Do something with the music section, just to kind of get a nod from the music review people to just kind of show that we're slightly just as well inclined to the music thing. Eh. Then we'll get stuck I'm sure, by which point I'd have to remind myself to keep on rotating crops when it comes to making progress. This all just seems reasonable. I've got other things later on I guess.
Enks.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Monday, December 19, 2011
Points to Have Been Made
The first time you hear advice, you just hear it.
The next time, you try it and it just might not work.
The third time, you say no because it didn't work out, as it turns out.
Then you hear it again and you've gotten so desperate that it finally makes sense.
Now you're the one making people hear the advice, and you wonder if there's even any use in telling it to them the first time.
But luckily enough, yeah you're you. Oh, praise the sweet ones- even if the only sweet one you believe in is yourself, in which case- oh, praise the sweet ones.
And all thoughts are thoughts. Some just make the cut. And with all the things that "make the cut", there's bound to be a few that abuse the privilege. Whatever it takes to get back into your own swing'o'things, will just have to do. We go through a buncha puberty in our lives in one way or another. If you have to force yourself to be who you used to be, then that's fine. Eventually, you'll get used to it. That despair of knowing that you're lying to yourself is just another rogue thought. Just be careful that you're not force-feeding yourself a new thought for the wrong reason. Even things like wearing shorts after a lifetime of wearing pants is a funny little mini-puberty. Unless of course you're suddenly super-psyched on wearing shorts. Anything you're suddenly super-psyched on, you should at least try to do- and the amount of thought behind it is up to your discretion.
That's what I meant, I figure.
The next time, you try it and it just might not work.
The third time, you say no because it didn't work out, as it turns out.
Then you hear it again and you've gotten so desperate that it finally makes sense.
Now you're the one making people hear the advice, and you wonder if there's even any use in telling it to them the first time.
But luckily enough, yeah you're you. Oh, praise the sweet ones- even if the only sweet one you believe in is yourself, in which case- oh, praise the sweet ones.
And all thoughts are thoughts. Some just make the cut. And with all the things that "make the cut", there's bound to be a few that abuse the privilege. Whatever it takes to get back into your own swing'o'things, will just have to do. We go through a buncha puberty in our lives in one way or another. If you have to force yourself to be who you used to be, then that's fine. Eventually, you'll get used to it. That despair of knowing that you're lying to yourself is just another rogue thought. Just be careful that you're not force-feeding yourself a new thought for the wrong reason. Even things like wearing shorts after a lifetime of wearing pants is a funny little mini-puberty. Unless of course you're suddenly super-psyched on wearing shorts. Anything you're suddenly super-psyched on, you should at least try to do- and the amount of thought behind it is up to your discretion.
That's what I meant, I figure.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Ripe
Oh, right.
This point in the year. Well, sir, it wasn't a year. I caught on. I'm surprised that I found out but even if I didn't, then I'm still in for a treat. Reading back on last year's junk, I thought "hm, well I can't do this again" and hell if I'm not somehow finding myself doing exactly that. Impossible to tell whether or not I've been thinking for the past moment. Cooool.
And that's what I mean. If I want a tiny thing done, then it's already being started. It's a skill I learned from this "year".
It was around this time last year that I was confirming something that would somehow end up relevant once again to the past week. This year's little gift wrap says "Greetings from New England" or whatever that area of the world is.
Even though I'm beginning to worry if that's the extent of my discovery- researching from the outside until it becomes less interesting- it's still an concurrent treat. It's kinda relaxing to know that I made a D or a C on this pop quiz of a year. I say that because apparently I made a B- in 2010. There were a lot of "ohh i might fail" points but I think I've got enough backbone to get it together. These were moments of being overly sure; "oh I can't be any dumber than myself from a few months ago". It's both true and not true. I had a candy shell at the beginning of this year. All I had to look forward to was How I Met Your Mother everyday before school. My business model was a sick rediscovering of the flaming lips. And I was taking creation tips from the clown folk from LA. It was all forced. It was only proper. I was still trying to shake 2010.
But then on April 30th I saw a music video that changed a lot of things. It reminded me of a lot of things. It told me I was slacking though I had once been on the right track. It kinda blatantly destroyed one of the reasons for my candy shell and it basically helped me understand that I was better than the school I was ignorantly going to. I won't say who yet because that defeats my purpose but I owe this guy a sandwich or something. The idea of friend that I had previously wished that I had to help bring me back to my roots.
Moving to a place and finding people to grow up with after being nowhere just changes your unmolded views on things into a widely-used view. I had finally ended up in a society. Marietta, I mean. It all finally clicked; social norms. I didn't know any better; I didn't know that I could be convinced and disciplined into ways of thought. I don't know, I'm just saying I'd gotten distracted and that it's really weird to just finally be able to have spontaneity being the label to whatever causes me to do things. Basically, in 2011, I learned that psh, errthing i do is completely ok.
So yeah I'm glad I'm me and that's fine but I can't shake the thought that I'm not me yet just because of those one or two or three or more erks in life that just haven't become perfect. I want all my friends in a room, I want to end as much of "shit got real" as I can, I want to get this part over with, and I want to get as close to my own personal utopia as possible. And I've got a few things to remind me it's possible.
And back to the year. I didn't take summer courses because I didn't even consider the possibility until it was too late. Same old. Plus it didn't help that the seed of personal, logical disdain for school had been planted at the end of my first semester. So I had a rough-feeling summer. It was very hot. It still is, for winter. I thought I'd enjoy it but I'd been lied to in a way. Even then I couldn't snap out of it and just get a job or something. A lot of summer was just ignoring a lot of things and just being sweaty. That reminds me that this was also the Marta year.. Still, a very slobbery and moist summer. I just get the feeling that this summer can be best represented by those disgusting burgers that were served at my birthday party. Genetic WonderDrug was there. That was that.
Thus, most recently all that there is to show is that, yeah we lost the money battle. I was far too latent, and I guess that's what I missed. Whatever tho. I used to be awesome at self-discipline until society kicked in, if that's what you want to call it. No one does though, which is good. So yeah I'll say I got a C this year because I learned but I did nothing. So, what.. I performed two shows, went to community college, saw some celebrities, and uh. Well, I 'met' someone else who might be a cool plot device. We've got all the equipment we need. I've got some self-respect. I might be moving. I guess at this point I'm just curious as to what happens next.
I hope the weather changes, though.
This point in the year. Well, sir, it wasn't a year. I caught on. I'm surprised that I found out but even if I didn't, then I'm still in for a treat. Reading back on last year's junk, I thought "hm, well I can't do this again" and hell if I'm not somehow finding myself doing exactly that. Impossible to tell whether or not I've been thinking for the past moment. Cooool.
And that's what I mean. If I want a tiny thing done, then it's already being started. It's a skill I learned from this "year".
It was around this time last year that I was confirming something that would somehow end up relevant once again to the past week. This year's little gift wrap says "Greetings from New England" or whatever that area of the world is.
Even though I'm beginning to worry if that's the extent of my discovery- researching from the outside until it becomes less interesting- it's still an concurrent treat. It's kinda relaxing to know that I made a D or a C on this pop quiz of a year. I say that because apparently I made a B- in 2010. There were a lot of "ohh i might fail" points but I think I've got enough backbone to get it together. These were moments of being overly sure; "oh I can't be any dumber than myself from a few months ago". It's both true and not true. I had a candy shell at the beginning of this year. All I had to look forward to was How I Met Your Mother everyday before school. My business model was a sick rediscovering of the flaming lips. And I was taking creation tips from the clown folk from LA. It was all forced. It was only proper. I was still trying to shake 2010.
But then on April 30th I saw a music video that changed a lot of things. It reminded me of a lot of things. It told me I was slacking though I had once been on the right track. It kinda blatantly destroyed one of the reasons for my candy shell and it basically helped me understand that I was better than the school I was ignorantly going to. I won't say who yet because that defeats my purpose but I owe this guy a sandwich or something. The idea of friend that I had previously wished that I had to help bring me back to my roots.
Moving to a place and finding people to grow up with after being nowhere just changes your unmolded views on things into a widely-used view. I had finally ended up in a society. Marietta, I mean. It all finally clicked; social norms. I didn't know any better; I didn't know that I could be convinced and disciplined into ways of thought. I don't know, I'm just saying I'd gotten distracted and that it's really weird to just finally be able to have spontaneity being the label to whatever causes me to do things. Basically, in 2011, I learned that psh, errthing i do is completely ok.
So yeah I'm glad I'm me and that's fine but I can't shake the thought that I'm not me yet just because of those one or two or three or more erks in life that just haven't become perfect. I want all my friends in a room, I want to end as much of "shit got real" as I can, I want to get this part over with, and I want to get as close to my own personal utopia as possible. And I've got a few things to remind me it's possible.
And back to the year. I didn't take summer courses because I didn't even consider the possibility until it was too late. Same old. Plus it didn't help that the seed of personal, logical disdain for school had been planted at the end of my first semester. So I had a rough-feeling summer. It was very hot. It still is, for winter. I thought I'd enjoy it but I'd been lied to in a way. Even then I couldn't snap out of it and just get a job or something. A lot of summer was just ignoring a lot of things and just being sweaty. That reminds me that this was also the Marta year.. Still, a very slobbery and moist summer. I just get the feeling that this summer can be best represented by those disgusting burgers that were served at my birthday party. Genetic WonderDrug was there. That was that.
Thus, most recently all that there is to show is that, yeah we lost the money battle. I was far too latent, and I guess that's what I missed. Whatever tho. I used to be awesome at self-discipline until society kicked in, if that's what you want to call it. No one does though, which is good. So yeah I'll say I got a C this year because I learned but I did nothing. So, what.. I performed two shows, went to community college, saw some celebrities, and uh. Well, I 'met' someone else who might be a cool plot device. We've got all the equipment we need. I've got some self-respect. I might be moving. I guess at this point I'm just curious as to what happens next.
I hope the weather changes, though.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Differing Delusions of the Current
Only problems warrant a text entry.
If I can quit yarning on, then my only problem is money.
Other than that, I've seen celebrities in the past month or so. I've seen them, and that's simple enough. Though, there's no use in seeing them. The only thing I realized is that it's awfully dumb to be held back from speaking to them. Just, no matter how cool you're being, sometimes you can't convince yourself to speak to someone who doesn't know you as well as you know of them. I only wanna be friends, bruh. And so does this large crowd behind me.
But like in any unestablished relationship, the first sentence has to be spoken (and registered) in order to resolve the uneasiness of the situation. Someone has to speak, but also, someone has to admit the honest truth about what's going on in the situation. Still, I'm convinced that all I need is a group of friends behind me or a tinge of misery in my surroundings and I can talk to anyone.
And that's October.
Now, I'm just worried. Money.
On the bright side, I won't be any more poor than I am right now. "O really, how do you figure?" Well, it's not one of those latent situations. There's debt involved, but there's also some hope on the horizon that's basically private. From now until the beginning of December is a black hole- the donut hole. But I don't know. I can't go too far this time without convincing myself to ignore tiny excitements.
Realistically, that's kind of what I said about August. And sure enough I'm imagining a schedule conflict.
If I can quit yarning on, then my only problem is money.
Other than that, I've seen celebrities in the past month or so. I've seen them, and that's simple enough. Though, there's no use in seeing them. The only thing I realized is that it's awfully dumb to be held back from speaking to them. Just, no matter how cool you're being, sometimes you can't convince yourself to speak to someone who doesn't know you as well as you know of them. I only wanna be friends, bruh. And so does this large crowd behind me.
But like in any unestablished relationship, the first sentence has to be spoken (and registered) in order to resolve the uneasiness of the situation. Someone has to speak, but also, someone has to admit the honest truth about what's going on in the situation. Still, I'm convinced that all I need is a group of friends behind me or a tinge of misery in my surroundings and I can talk to anyone.
And that's October.
Now, I'm just worried. Money.
On the bright side, I won't be any more poor than I am right now. "O really, how do you figure?" Well, it's not one of those latent situations. There's debt involved, but there's also some hope on the horizon that's basically private. From now until the beginning of December is a black hole- the donut hole. But I don't know. I can't go too far this time without convincing myself to ignore tiny excitements.
Realistically, that's kind of what I said about August. And sure enough I'm imagining a schedule conflict.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Slide
Well, nowhere to start because let's just say I'm prototypically "freaked out".
It's been 6 hours since my most recent huge car crash. Something about this kind of just proves that eh "my mind is not turned on, right now" or something to illustrate that sensation. Fuck, I was in a car crash. Cars crashed, tonight. This was probably one in at least a hundred other car crashes tonight because it was raining. That's what I did today, though. I watched the weather reports and considered complaining about nothing. I guess the bottom line is that I'm vexed because I am at home writing this in the same night. You should have seen it.
I remember not being scared and being disappointed that I wasn't scared. I remember thinking about how it had to be a joke, or thinking something was going to get me out of this. I'll admit that it was like a movie, except it was just any old movie that I probably saw when I was like 4. I also remember thinking about, while I was thinking it was like a movie, all of the people who said that their crashes were like movies. Right now, though, I'm thinking that I didn't actually think about any of those things and that I'm convincing myself that those are true.
Either as a human, or as a citizen, or a kid, I spent the rest of the night trying to freak out. I was trying to become all emotionally compromised and shocked. I know how they say you don't feel pain until you've calmed down but all I got is a slightly smashed thumb and a bump in my knee. My stomach hurts, but whose wouldn't?
Well, if you must know, the most recognizable thing I feel is uh, let's call it "loneliness". Before any conclusions- who the hell feels that after a crash, right? I mean I still haven't told my mom yet and I'm also thinking- "oh crap, who would I call if I was in an even worse situation than what I'm in right now?". But overall, I feel nothing. I even tried joking, throughout. The only, only thing that got to me was the text message: "Tell him that I love him." That's touching as hell. That can seem like so many things to so many people, but so does everything else. I don't know what it is, but it's cool. See it how you want. It was just a message sent after a blink-of-an-eye moment of blood and metal and nervousness.
One side of me keeps on rooting for "you coulda died tonight!" which is actually, when it comes down to it, ignorant to disagree with. Another side of me is just contemplating not going to school tomorrow because of this, and instead just going on a shopping spree. But I was told to keep going there tonight, too. I was told in the way that, if I kept going to school that I wouldn't have to end up in more car crashed. But. I guess I have the rest of the semester to disagree. Right now, I wish my mind was set on finding some dopey profound meaning to the incident. If it was worse, that would be easy. If it was the worst then then it'd go back to impossible because folks are quick to ignore death and stuff. So it's at that level. Well, except in the case that those people that we hit tonight worked hard as hell to have those cars or something.
Oh yeah, I only explained the mental stuff and nothing about the moment of impact and all that crap. That'll be explained at some fancy dinner, though.
It's been 6 hours since my most recent huge car crash. Something about this kind of just proves that eh "my mind is not turned on, right now" or something to illustrate that sensation. Fuck, I was in a car crash. Cars crashed, tonight. This was probably one in at least a hundred other car crashes tonight because it was raining. That's what I did today, though. I watched the weather reports and considered complaining about nothing. I guess the bottom line is that I'm vexed because I am at home writing this in the same night. You should have seen it.
I remember not being scared and being disappointed that I wasn't scared. I remember thinking about how it had to be a joke, or thinking something was going to get me out of this. I'll admit that it was like a movie, except it was just any old movie that I probably saw when I was like 4. I also remember thinking about, while I was thinking it was like a movie, all of the people who said that their crashes were like movies. Right now, though, I'm thinking that I didn't actually think about any of those things and that I'm convincing myself that those are true.
Either as a human, or as a citizen, or a kid, I spent the rest of the night trying to freak out. I was trying to become all emotionally compromised and shocked. I know how they say you don't feel pain until you've calmed down but all I got is a slightly smashed thumb and a bump in my knee. My stomach hurts, but whose wouldn't?
Well, if you must know, the most recognizable thing I feel is uh, let's call it "loneliness". Before any conclusions- who the hell feels that after a crash, right? I mean I still haven't told my mom yet and I'm also thinking- "oh crap, who would I call if I was in an even worse situation than what I'm in right now?". But overall, I feel nothing. I even tried joking, throughout. The only, only thing that got to me was the text message: "Tell him that I love him." That's touching as hell. That can seem like so many things to so many people, but so does everything else. I don't know what it is, but it's cool. See it how you want. It was just a message sent after a blink-of-an-eye moment of blood and metal and nervousness.
One side of me keeps on rooting for "you coulda died tonight!" which is actually, when it comes down to it, ignorant to disagree with. Another side of me is just contemplating not going to school tomorrow because of this, and instead just going on a shopping spree. But I was told to keep going there tonight, too. I was told in the way that, if I kept going to school that I wouldn't have to end up in more car crashed. But. I guess I have the rest of the semester to disagree. Right now, I wish my mind was set on finding some dopey profound meaning to the incident. If it was worse, that would be easy. If it was the worst then then it'd go back to impossible because folks are quick to ignore death and stuff. So it's at that level. Well, except in the case that those people that we hit tonight worked hard as hell to have those cars or something.
Oh yeah, I only explained the mental stuff and nothing about the moment of impact and all that crap. That'll be explained at some fancy dinner, though.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
About Me
- Peetoes
- Well, as far as I can tell.. I am a man now, but like... I am a guy who thinks he has like good morals and virtues or something but also thinking those are stupid therefore coming off as a bad prick rather than a good prick.