Blister

First of all, I probably won't make it if my feet are the things trying to get me there. I applaud them, but it's my fault. I didn't think being barefoot in the city would actually do that much. Then, I guess I haven't acknowledged that the weather might be getting hot, soon.

So, I went to the Marietta graduation. A replica of last year's, I bet. This was Saturday, a full day. No idea how long ago it was, now. I went there, in a useless shirt, and watched. I took a peek at some folks, but I eventually hurried off to a pretty good breakfast. From there, I went to Grant's little graduation thing that "the proud mamas" put together. I was anxious because I had to leave there, even sooner than the other things. Still, after all of that, I was incredibly anxious about "some big party" that I was going to....

I can still feel it, though. Questions raised in the past year meeting circumstances and settings of this year, so far. Once I realized that I was all by myself, in this, I had no choice but to mention that it's another "this group doesn't make any sense." These people know each other, but they're not supposed to meet. I mean, I would love for everyone to meet, but not like this. People from this year, mentioning ironic folks to people who have been the subject of conversations for a long time. It may as well be selfish that that's what I'm focusing on. It's just that I feel that I was entirely alone. Especially because no one reacted to my outrage. You'd have to be dead in order to ignore outrage like that. I'm surprised the guy next to me, wasn't dead yet. I guess he just had to stick it out for my own personal season finale. I was really hoping it'd be a series finale, though. Too much for one period of time, maybe.

I must not mean what I am saying, here, but, it was right for it not to be a "party." It was what I came there for. It was answers. Of course, when you find out enough answers, the questions get scrambled. I guess both ends can't be tightened in one night. So, from there, I have to continue. I am sorry that, as a result, I refused to meet anybody new afterward. I just don't want some new person walking around throwing in some hidden ironies for me to collectively research. What does it matter, though? People buying houses? That's unheard of. People selling houses? That's going to begin to make my skin crawl.

What is the use? The longer people have to stare at your elbows, under your sleeve, the more they realize that you're only alive. Those people are there to lift, and their elbows are shame. I want my elbows to be seen from above, as under my arm.

Either way, I left that place feeling that stomach ache you get when you kind of watch a person die. I think I might have done exactly that. Watching, I mean. The last time I felt like that, I subsequently watched a car burning, casually. My only problem is the fact that everyone may just feel the same. All of the time. If anyone does react to anything, then they'd all have to. Except, I feel betrayed that people can repeat things that I am thinking but have no legitimacy in their presentation. By saying that, people know exactly what I mean. The ones that don't claim to be confused, of course. Still, if these are all repeated words, then why is there a flux between high and low? Must be nonsense.

I completely forget I have a family.

I guess you have to kind of be aware. You might have to be aware of the world spinning, of course. That theory. In addition to the fact that you have a throat that opens and closes every once in a while. You'll have to be aware of spiders hanging around, hunger, and that glass might be made of sand. Think about your spouse and children, whether or not you have them. Think about your friends, whether or not they exist. Then, think about how some people are 100% set on thinking about reproductive organs. All together, your thoughts will thank you, and you might get something. I don't know.

When I got home, I literally couldn't imagine doing anything but sitting and staring. How was it not the end? Alright. Not to mention the horrifying ironies that proved that is wasn't over. I mean, I might have to do something on the verge of a publicity stunt, just to prove some things for myself. That's the best way I could put it, for that moment.

I absolutely have to go.

Even Better

We were just given the key to the house. Just like that. In a month's time we should be fully ready to just go ahead and be there. We could start moving now, but we'd have to have the utilities in our name to be allowed to. New carpet and some other nice looking flooring. Can't wait to start various junk drawers. Something about it makes me nervous, but I'm ok with it. Tash did seem to kind of calm down once she saw it. So if she doesn't move in, then I'll have to spend more obviously.

Kind of proud that something, either out of my imagination or through one of those supposedly 'humans made this up' ideas, actually came true. At this rate, I'll be... washed up in no time! Like, soon I can do the whole "anything you set yourn minde to" thing, but who knows. Egg rolls. And the backs of my heals are itching because of the healing. Gah, it seems routine, but I don't think I've ever worn the skin off of my heels that bad before. Then, I've never been that careful about them either.

So, two things on my mind. Two main topics. Get these out of the way, then move on. Well, I mean. Two things that are just going to need some time to settle since so many ideas spawn from the specifics. One is, of course, the house and all the things that would be possible. The other is my ability to just go for it and talk to people. Luckily, the other day, someone I actually didn't completely know about started the conversation. And right on time, that stupid timed internet cut-off thing turned off the internet at 12! w00t. So, now, not even sure if it's ok to return to that conversation because I don't want to seem like a cresp especially after I look poor after internet cut off thing. (internet is actually set to turn off at midnight, at this house. disgusting.) Ruined someone's night. I'm not trying to compare that one to other situations because I'm just trying to be nice. Not trying to, I can't help it. Still, I guess it doesn't hurt as bad as it seems to just start by saying "hat" oops I meant "hey" type of thing.

Build friendships, I suppose, is the point. Hm, I should repeat that somehow....

Build friendships, I suppose, is the point.

well yeah. If you (in this lalala world) are someone's friend, then all the other junk just doesn't matter!!!!!!!!!!!! I've no doubts, realistically. One name that I keep on picturing right now because I'm saying this. He seems like he could be a friend. Not the same person as the other, or the other other, but I'm sure he won't disappoint at helping me practice building some new 'ships. Think we've been trying to bag him for a while. Party members. Gah parties. house fantasy, again. Man, I hope it's like I've been imagining.

Toast.

The Big Rip Off

January 21st, though:

I wasn't supposed to: the common theme.

It was rainy, too, probably. Birthday basically. I probably wasn't the intention but I joined anyway. Melvin was involved. This day is better represented by pictures. Website.

They all did whatever, while I raised my eyebrows. No, I didn't. Yeah, a day of nothing really but still enough. I met a dog this day. We walked around the mall again. Samples. Not even worth.

Then this day:
Sausage biscuit. Shower. Shirt.

Oh ok this was the day where it was ok for me to wake up where I woke up. What on Earth happened? Oh that's right, Alex's emissions test. The day where Nick and I talked about the houses we would have if we could have any house.

Fide asked me if I would feed his friend's dog while he was at Philosophy Club, but I couldn't get in touch with him. We went to the high school, and I saw Mark for a second to return to Alex's car where Jenny and Fide waited in the back seat. Dropped Jenny off, and it was decided that Fide and I were to wait at Philosophy Club while Nick went to his Grandma's. Fide didn't really want to because they were watching a movie that he said was "a Wonderful Life" which I didn't understand since it's a Christmas movie. Turns out that it's actually Waking Life which obviously cleared things up for me.

I had described that I didn't like that movie the first time I saw it, but I realize now, that I actually took a lot from it. I won't describe what, but some things just come up like that. Surprised me though. Then, of course they all wanted to go eat, and I thought I was going to be able to eat with them. Nah. They had that pizza buffet bs. That's when I had walked around thinking about how I get myself in these situations.

Well after the Waller and Barnes & Noble, was when we were schedule to 'party' technically or something. In the empty house that Fide was watching. We had some drinks bought for us, in all honesty, and two separate groups of people showed up and left. Met two new people. Laughed at one of their existences. Did the whole Legend of Bagger Vance thing, and we ended up at Michael's house. I ate my pie that waited for me there. Tried to sleep there, but nah. Got back in the car and well just had to sleep at the empty house.

Simply put, I guess.

Firework Mistakes.

Ok cool, I get to tell how New Year's went.

It starts on the night before New Year's Eve. Nothing happened, but I did just kind of pick up this composition book that I had been waiting to steal. I tried to write down this topic that had finally manifested itself in the last month of the year. That whole flip flop between trust and buying houses for your friends.

Then, I slept because I guess that last part was close to irrelevant. I woke up and kind of hid in the room I was sleeping because there were people talking. I was treated to breakfast, met up with Nick and Alex. All of us, excluding Alex, went back to Hank's and kind of recharged or whatever for the night ahead. My intention was to at least take a shower and kind of freshen up, hell, so I could impress some folks. Did that, I guess, and spent a lot of the time I was there looking through a 2006 yearbook, which was my freshman year actually. I also helped with the unclogging of this lint filter on the side of Hank's house. I don't know how much time we spent there, but when it got dark we had three pizzas. Oh man. Then, how Hank eats chicken wings.

Night began. Alex picked Nick and I up, I had to run back in to get my jackets and dress shirt. She brought a pizza box from her house. We went to Nick's house so Nick could get a shower while Alex and I went to the other Alex's house so that they could go over some blood money. We went back to Nicks, picked him up and they had to go to the bank. They were going to go to that other party, so it was decided that I'd wait at Kroger for the Briana party to start at 9:30.

At the store, I talked to Andrew for about 20 minutes to pass time. Then, I left and went to my favorite bathroom to stall some more. Stared at myself in the mirror, and shaved. Ha. Then, I started to walk toward the party. I crossed the empty street, and when I ran, money fell out of my pockets. Some change, I mean. I picked some of it up, but that's when the cars decided to show up. Right as I got near the high school, I remember I was kind of talking to myself trying to explain "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers" to myself when someone called my name. Surprise. Turned around to see Bryttne, who I went to school with, and her mom looking for the same party. Luckily, I know where it is, so I hopped in and we showed up. It was odd because I was invited, but I didn't see the invitation so I didn't know if I missed anything. I was literally there for like 30 minutes kind of on edge as usual, until Nick and Alex came back to pick me up to go to the Buy Wag party. Oh man, these guys again. Not really. It was 10 o clock and it took us 27 minutes to get there. We saw Hank leaving as soon as we got there.

I hesitated to walk in because it was just flashbacks of went down here, last time. We went in fine, and as soon as I made it to the living room I hear bunches of people excited to see me for some reason. I was humble about it since I was kind of freaking out about the place anyway. On one side, I would have wanted to stay since I got such a welcoming but hell, this place is this place. So we left after about 10 minutes. All of us went back to the Briana party, where I had decided I wanted to be there when the year changed. Me and Nick sat and ate their "puppy chow" mostly. Then, he and Alex left there after a while. I was pretty good by that time so it was all alright. I got tiny, yet valuable, pieces of praise when I was there. Man named Scott said I posted awesome statuses on the old facebarn. The man from Slumdog Millionaire said I looked enough like Jacob from the Twilight movies. A Michael complimented my videos. Another man named Michael. I know them both, of course, but in this case, they're Michaels. Harry was there for some reason, and I didn't recognize him at first. I got Robert Smith's hat. Then, they fire works. I mean, somewhere in there was when we moved to the living room to do the countdown.

Later on of course, I got anxious again, so I used Vinisha's phone to send Nick a message, asking where he was. He was already at the party Justin had put together. Ha, have to explain that later, too. Still with the phone, I walked into the hall to call Hank to see if he would still pick me up and take me either back to Buy Men, or to Justin's. Right when I got him to figure out that it was me, Briana's dad walked by me and grabbed the phone from my hand and starting shouting things into it. First time feeling that uneasy this year. I got the phone back to find out that Hank had already gotten settled for the night. Then I remembered. Bryttne's mom had said "if you see her leaving at about 1 o clock, then you can hop in and get a ride" or something. Gah, so I actually did. Then, I went to Justin's.

I showed up. One of these nights from the week before, basically. Hugged. Walked right to the kitchen to get a drink because I was kind of done for the night. Then Jessica came and made it clear that she wasn't 100% comfortable there and she left after a bit. Made sense. I remember feeling this sensation of how I was slowly becoming what everybody else was and comparing it to how it must feel to...become a.. eh whatever. Then, Chase approached me and kind of advised me that I should start trying to get girls or something. It was a surprisingly decent conversation, but I couldn't really explain it the same way it happened. As the topic turned into 'torrents,' Denzel was there, and he kind of just stood and kept his distance from the other folks at the party and he talked to me for a second.

One thing I find about this year so far, is that I can just talk to people for some reason. Don't let anybody tell you that the New Year isn't significant.

Although I tried to drag the party outside in homage to New Year's 2008, the night just kind of ended indoors, and I just kind of kept to myself from then on. The next morning, who knows what. All that was going to happen was that Justin was being taken back to the airport. Early enough, there had been some pictures from the night posted. Everyone kind of left, but Justin and I were still there waiting on "Aunt" Christine and James to get ready to go to the airport. When they were ready, Justin asked to see Mr. K one last time before he left. So, that was it for Justin. I was the last one of his friends to talk to him, I suppose. Last thing he told me was "ras." Appropriate, though.

James and Christine went ahead to buy me a thing from Taco Bell before dropping me off at the square, as I requested. No such thing in coincidences these days. I was compelled to walk into ol' Cool Beans, for warmth and bathroom. I never walk into that place. I walked through, pretended not to see them, and went to the bathroom and talked to myself for a second. Walked back out and oh there was them two from Buy Wag last night. Ha. Talked to them for like an hour, as Cool Beans actually closed early or somethin. They left, and I walked to Waffle House righ quick. Called Alex and she came and got me, and besides the fact that my sister came and got me from Nick's, I guess that's the end. Heh.

Then I came back here, and finally decided on my resolutions. There was a point to this, I suppose.