Control

Ahh what a great night, last night. Well, that's over. Today I've just been old hermit. No, I can't tell if I'm just getting almost too particular recently. I think I might becoming choosy or whatever the better word is. Like, I actually think I got aggravated with the thought of people doing things in my room in the way that I don't usually do them. I'm getting afraid that I'm beginning to want things to go my way. I'm almost sure that what I am actually doing has nothing to do with what I'm thinking. There's no way of telling for sure, I mean. I just can't tell because it's like I'm very sure that when I am doing things, that I am doing them for my only right reason. But then the situation just turns into smleh.

Well, all last week I was doing great. I was on a roll, I was writing all types of material and that type of stuff that I do that cannot possibly be criticized or considered futile (because I am also imagining the response to my admitting to writing interesting stuff being looked at as a 'lame hobby'). And see that's just it. I wasn't thinking about this type of crap. I wasn't thinking about the negative things that exist in other universes. I wasn't thinking about universes either, for that matter. I had a clear head for the week. It was like I was headed toward a certain zone, where no one could mention drugs, paranoia, or depression (none of which pertain to me, but bother me when I realize friends are going through this type of junk). I was feeling.. heh.. I was feeling ok (can't stand the phrase "feeling good" for some reason. I claim that I don't believe that a person can do that in the sense that no one has the right to judge what "good" feels like.) and I was calm, in anticipation. Maybe I was waiting for last night. Now, I'm just letting things bother me. People talking loud. i can't tell if that's something that... heh. I don't get bothered, of course not.

Ahr. What I was saying.. Last week, I was doing good. Trying to think of specifics besides the fact that there was a point where I realized the actor Jason Segel seemed cool. I guess the 'accomplished' feeling came from the fact that all of the notebooks I write all this crap in are pretty full. Now before you have already read the words "notebooks" and "write" and already gotten halfway through this sentence, realize that these 'notebooks' are really just.. ah.. you'd really have to see them, but the main point is that they barely have anything to do with writing. So do not even associate it or me with writing. I will not disgrace these things buy calling them "idea books," either. And that's my problem, this week. Or just today, actually. I fear that I actually might just be being a control freak. See, now I'm feeling like I remember myself saying this about myself once before. Actually, hah, I might have been talking about someone else. Still, I'm trying to keep level. I guess it's the fact that because last week, absolutely everything was in my hands, and now that this is the period in which I share my ideas, I am not willing to hear anyone else's. Which is false because I am amazingly open to ideas involving the comedy team. Yep the comedy team. That's what I've been so proud of. Especially last week. That is where my mind was last week. The comedy team. Fail-safe. And now that the day I was waiting for is over, I guess I've been back to whatever. Universe A. My home world. Not the real world, just the place where I grew up. Hm. Maybe that means I need to take each Universe A time to grow up. Or maybe I distribute my grow-ups equally into each universe. So stupid, the word, but in one of these worlds I've come to believe that not a soul should be ashamed of words. And in another, I think the opposite: the whole thing about certain people ruining certain things. In some places, at some moments, no one can ruin a thing.

Back in "Real" World, there's the sound of the lyrics "I told you- no I'll never let you drag me down to hell " which fits. I only call that one "Real" just because that's the crappy one where.. ahem.. sex, drama, and drugs exist. Again, not for me- literally, honestly, and the absolute truth. Those things can get real. But they're all complete bs to me. Cool because there's no way to detach yourself from it without looking like you're-- Hell.

Still, the fact that I've clearly gotten back into talking about this stuff, and the fact that I haven't gotten over the terminology factor just kind of bothers me. That's why I was trying to ignore certain friends of mine. It would do me good, and it has nothing to do with them--oh oh-- just the fact that what they're saying is just going to make me fixate on some other realities. You know. "Drag me down to hell". And that may be the cause of the control-freak thing, as well. I'm temporarily banishing certain folks just because they're not in the same mood as I am (mostly because they haven't heard the same news that I have). They're not thinking about the same things, and that- THAT has to be the problem with long-distance relationships of any sort. They see ABSOLUTELY different things. Absolutely no way to communicate. The details have to gather. Things become less effective from farther away. "You'd just have to be there".

So, what's the deal? Is there anything upsetting me? Well, one thing I do want to get over. That awkward meeting, yesterday. Ah. And that other awkward thing. And the thing I didn't do. And the thing from 2 years ago that I reminded myself of, an hour ago. Redemption? Hah, listen, I'm actually convincing myself that you can get over any awkward situation by turning into a big.. show. Well, hell, that ol' "success is the best revenge". Hah, now that quote is going to make me think of when I told that to Fide and he just focused on the 'revenge' part. But the point, moreover, is redemption.

Ok. I hope this flows well. Actually. Ok, I'm about to just type what I'm thinking in order to help myself out so hold up. Now, if I completely cut myself off from the whole: "imaginary people," "not exist," "universes," "I act different to certain people," "I can't remember my relationship with certain people," "man, I messed up," "anger," "disappointment," and "back-up plans"... does that mean I'm also cutting myself off from actual.. er.. "inspiration" for the things.. God.. that I do? Not to mention "what is it that we do?". That didn't help at all. Wait a minute. This has absolutely nothing to do with last night. As in- this is not even the same.. ah hell, here we go.

One of the things that got me earlier. Two things, actually. Hah. Hah. There is always absolute Hell in trying to defend Kanye West. There. Simple. Let's say defending Kanye West has absolutely nothing to do with the man himself. He's only famous for the fact that he symbolizes the exact situation that I am actually trying to defend. Kind of like Obama (because I thought of Chicago). I mean, that's what "idols" are (and I mean "idols" as famous people in general) there for. They represent an intricate ideal. That's why no one is "the one famous person". You become a fan of one particular thing because that represents that situation. I actually don't care if I'm saying anything new- remember that. But I'm just saying- to defend Kanye is to defend that one ideal of "what I am doing/saying is being translated horribly wrong". Like, jumping the gun. Like, trying to lift something heavy when you haven't even considered building muscles. As in- not ready YET. As in- maybe I need to grow up- once again. Or. Maybe I'm just not wrong.

Other thing was remembering something that could have been considered insanely passive-aggressive over the summer. I mean, how often do people around here blatantly use the words "main character" in reference to real life? Ok, first things first. I'm not saying I'll ever do so, but for someone to call themselves a main character is actually justifiable. I think I'm treading over old grounds (hah) so, I won't even justify that statement- which doesn't need to be justified because it is actually a kind-hearted thing, really. It's one of those things, you know? "Importance of self" (in social situations) is just a matter of moderation. I'm fine. No new lessons. Really just an argument of how "cool" it is to hate yourself vs. how "cool" it is to hate other people. Then there is just the absolutely honest and pure reality of "I have never heard any of those words". So, I'm fine. I just want to talk about that last part with someone before I finally decide what I mean.

Those two things kind of topped off this mood of today. Finding out that no matter what, I'm still going to look like I'm saying/doing mean, untrustable things? Even if the thing I was attempting is fool-proof? Maybe it's because i forget how I look when I'm doing it. I'm just fat :(

Yo.

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Update

Yeah. Today, which is (can't stress this enough) completely not like me, I've gotten a ergh "short temper". I didn't even mention that I was getting ugh "frustrated" with the fam today. Shame that I put a negative outlook about them before I even said anything positive about how I feel about them. You know- because I don't even talk about "fam". Whoa. My God. I just said "feel"("yeah but didn't he talk about 'feeling ok' earlier?"). Ha. Hah. Actually, that just explains this entire thing. It has to just be today. So in that big old open world, I am just a nice, creative (y'all can't stress that enough) young man. Fat too! :P And once every almost-never, I can just be "man he mean"- and that'll be by complete accident. I'm a man of ideas. That's who.
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and then. whoa forgot. oh yeah. how you're not allowed to bring up anything. you're only allowed to be reviewed. I'm being cruel, I think this is making it worse. As long as no one blatantly copies what I'm saying here. I've been sucked in. 1. I wanted to ignore the 'writing' side of things (this) 2. Forcing myself to ignore is just the same as ignoring anything that isn't an internal conflict.
Bottom line- last night was fun. My friends and I went to a show. I got a free dvd.

Farthest

Well, isn't it? The farthest I've gotten? I wouldn't think so but it actually may as well just be that. The farthest anyone or anything has gotten. Eh, now is not the time. Good luck, though.


It brings up a good point. A charity organization that updates its followers with inspiring quotes. But how often is too often when it comes to reading quotes? How far do people actually want to read? What if it was a celebrity updating what is going on in his or her life with quotes that got them to where they are now? Would fans be annoyed or inspired? These words (of wisdom or even phrases that result in "heh") are literally what go on in this person's head, but I am imagining that somehow these words can go unheeded. Ah first, though, if you literally don't see it then that's a different story. I am talking about pure annoyance with someone that you are a fan of. What the hell could it possibly mean to be a fan of someone? How far do you reasearch into someone's life without either: falling in or out of love, or using this knowledge to enhance your own? Then again the latter type of person couldn't even be considered a fan as much as a soon-to-be colleague. Whoa. Look, really I am specifically recording my thoughts immediately after seeing the page for To Write Love on Her Arms. Then, I thought of how what they post differs from what one average citizen might post. It's kind of merging with my thoughts of friends getting offended that I might be able to quote certain things as they come up. Eh, that's something else. Not far off, seeing as it deals with annoyance. I believe you always happen to read quotes at the perfect moments. Whatever that means. Here, the point is that you should kind of follow what would even provoke one person to quote another and at what moments. "Should." But not necessary. No should is really too necessary.

Companionship. You can't really be with someone that you don't really connect with, or someone that you can't easily talk endlessly to. Any relationship, basically. I'm not saying these opinions are mine. I'm thinking, one can have a dog as a companion and of course feel unfulfilled in the conversation aspect. But what about forgetting the qualities you're looking for? What if you begin to talk to a dog or anything else so much that you've just become busy? What if you let the human-thing set it, and you create your own motivation to keep on talking or keep on sitting-next-to. Maybe even the life-partner sense can work out. How have people been ignoring that their spouse "doesn't get it"? Maybe someone who "get's it" can only be with someone who "doesn't get it". The people closest to them will get it. That can be fine enough.

Well, I wonder if this worked at all. Those are my points. Just to keep me going, for like a split second, you know. Other than that... Heh well, just got word that I might be doing.... something.... in January. I hesitate to explain that I'm not giving exact detail yet.

I'm in the school registration process. Oh yeah of course. You know by know, right. Ugh. You. Still, if I can keep my head out of the mucky idea of what college used to be and what college actually is, then I'll be good. What college actually is versus what I'm actually doing are really perpendicular. Not necessarily clashing though. Fine. Skew. Hah irony. I've been talking about how horrifying Geometry was to me, and now look. Eh. Very small irony, yet big also since I used geometry humor. Wait, but that wasn't a joke. Ok stop. Like I said. If an academic career can be foiled simply by a chance disappearance of a classroom's folder, then I'm forced into skepticism.
What?

Last week is over. Haha. Good. It was very tyrannical. I didn't even know it. I cured. It must have been a good weekend. I still have a big off egg white crust on my sleeve. Possibly still a little bit of dog poit on the bottom of my shoe, as well. You can tell Matthew is going to be in the picture more often, soon.

This just in.. My mom just brought in an envelope, asking "Could this be for you and Tash?" The envelope was addressed to: Big Bro and Sister. There's no return address. I, eating leftovers, just said something about the possibility of anthrax. I'm not even sure what the state of the anthrax scare is, anymore. The post mark says it's from Michigan. I just finished eating, so I am more willing to try to open it. Gah. I hope it's a letter from the future. That's always my hope.

Wish me luck.

Back. I opened the envelope, carefully. Inside was a folded white sheet of paper. I pulled it out, and inside were two portrait-like photos of two young boys. Christ. I hate finding stuff like that. On the backs were their names and current ages. My first thoughts (I think even before turning them around to see the actual photos) were that I was supposed to be some assassin or bounty hunter. Now listen up. I don't even like that type of fiction. All I can say is that anyone else may have had the same thoughts. My minions told me that those were the first two options :). Really, that thought went away as soon as it arrived. Then of course came the "letter from the future" thing again. Well. These two boys are brown. I'll be damned if they're my offspring. Especially the one marked "Zach". I hate this kid. Hah, actually he looks like the boy from the George Lopez show. The sitcom, I mean. You know. I had to watch it on my Chicago trip. Rabbit ears.

Nope. I'll never have those two particular boys. They're no good. See, there's no telling though. An envelope with no return address. That's either attributed to forgetfulness, lack of envelope etiquette, or hell. From the future. Come on. And in the end of it all- please just let me have my imagination. I wonder whatever happened to that one girl that I met a couple times as a kid. Her uncle or family friend or just some older guy kept teasing her about having an extra toe. No telling if she actually did have an extra toe. But then I guess it wouldn't be a tease-able thing if it were true. I think I was just sitting off to the side, bored. I wonder if I actually made friends with those kids. I think it might have been their mom that was friends with my dad. Now I remember the lady's name because it was the first time I ever heard the name Reina. My dad told me it meant "queen". I keep visualizing this.. these streets that kind of look like they belonged in an unfinished neighborhood. I remember walking around... or being forced out of common courtesy to walk around... with her kids. Something about juice, too. Gah, that's just going to make me think about Ralph. And Beverly. Weird periods of time with my dad's friends. My dad's friends who just happened to have kids for me to play with.

Wait. I'm still talking about these two bastards that got sent to me in the mail. What, am I doing charity now? Christ, who are these kids? The obvious answer would be to send them to the correct address, right? Nah. This is the address that was written on the letter. Minus the "northeast" part. Wait, there were previous renters. The only reason I didn't think about that is because I had heard about the guy who was here in between us living here. He kicked holes in the walls, apparently. Who the hell would send pictures of young men to a man like that? In that case, the family... or friends.... will sort that out, amongst themselves. It's probably just some pathological gift someone just sent me as a cruel, Hank joke. Other than that, I'll just exploit the hell out of these pictures... no, no, they bother me too much. I would just kind of jokingly use them as placeholders in books at the most. And I won't burn them. I won't burn these pictures literally because I'm suspicious of the fact that I'm even thinking about burning them in the first place. Sigh. Look. I'll leave them where they are. I don't know the name for that particular article of furniture, but that's where they are. Sort of tucked under the paper towel my mom uses to collect incense ashes. There.

No one could have possibly expected this, but this is what happened. It happened to me in the middle of some odd writing practice I was doing. Good enough. I won't forget it. And speaking of which, I don't want to forget the other details. On my way to the piece of furniture I just mentioned, I did stop in the kitchen. I almost placed the envelope and pictures on the counter. That would have been too much. No, but my mom had just cooked these little apple tarters or something. Very good. A thin pie crust with chunks of green apple, with some sort of caramel-like (it very well may be caramel. or home-made caramel) sauce, and toffee chips. I've already forgotten them. There's plenty left, but I wanted to test whether or not I could hold off on devouring a dessert immediately. See. I'm good. Thing kinda have to be good. Gah, to think. The one thing that I have a tinge of doubt about right now is just.. my other life. My 1st 'other' life. I'm feeling iffy about.. ok there's got to be a different 'venue' for me to talk honestly about the..ugh.. comedy team. There's nothing "ugh" about it, but a very harsh change of pace. Minions telling me "no, don't." but I've got it. There's no right way. I'm feeling very good about the state of this topic (and we all like to think we're caring the most out of anyone) but there are very tiny little frays that could become problems later. I don't know. That's something I'd have to talk about. "Talk" about.

Well, then. It's good. Plus, I'm offended by the word "good". Plus, I can't tell if I'm saying "I'm offended" as a habit that Nick has rubbed off onto me. Now, if I was really in a paranoia-ish mood, then I'd completely change my wording of that last sentence. Current mood: lounge. Back hurts, and I'm just now realizing I didn't take the walk I planned for today. Craig. Ah well.

This worked.

Wave

Yeah, ok. Maybe I can do it here finally. I've been trying to write something decent about the past couple of days. You know. Computer has been virus'd for about a week or so. I actually don't remember. But it's almost necessary now to even admit to using a computer. Here it is.

Even still- to have written about the past few days. Isn't that something? That's what I've been doing this year. Well, I won't go into it as it is another "you can't enjoy the year when you're describing everything that happens" or something, but that's some of it. Either way, it's now November.. and even more surprising, it's a little after November 11th. There's no way to document what that means to me, but that is just fast.

Just as well, it's doing that whole daylight savings thing. Well, something has to have just come over me. I was telling myself that I am beginning to finally lose memory.. but then I realized that I actually haven't been doing anything enough to remember anything. I don't know. I can probably look back on this period of time as just "hospital visits and nothing happening". Yeah, I think it's safe to say "nothing is happening," whether or not it's true, at this point. Well, I guess, nothing was happening there for a moment.. Now I'm into the school application process. Er.

Well before it's too late, I've been wanting to say "you'll see," a lot. It doesn't work here. It's not the same as me automatically thinking the words "Follow Me" when I put a pen to a piece of paper or the back of a notebook. It's important. It's important for me to know, at least. I've been needing to make some point. I keep thinking of things to day and it just resolves in "you'll see". Who? Whatever. Whatever that stuff in the air is is doing a number of things to me. Besides the forgetting, it's making me feel unsure of myself, if that's the right way to say it. I keep thinking I need to make one good point, one good thing to say, and then I won't be so agitated. I guess I can't explain. Actually, it's like that paranoia feeling... oh boy.. which brings up the past couple of days which I have yet to bring up. One thing to be said before that, though. Forgetting, paranoia, trying to make some delusional point, and these "heavy" dreams. Eh, actually sounds like certain side effects. Mental crap. It's not the same. It's missing something. But isn't that how it always takes over? Making you think that something different is happening? Tell myself "it's probably only the weather", "it's probably only a hormone"?

I tried to explain this week many times. Maybe I'd have to wait until it's over? Well, I don't want to forget by that time. Isn't that what this week is about? The ability to forget? Well, according to what I just said, it's one among other things. I'm not sure if I'm willing to forget, yet. I worry. The first sign of this.. actually was on Sunday. So I'm clear? Something got me into a mode. I was thinking about this year's end fading into a whole other year. 2011? That one? I hope I'm not lying around in bed, some day in the middle of 2011. It'll happen. I hope I'm not just sitting on a phone chatting about what could-be-about-to-be as the sun goes down, next year. It's like, I have a very particular conversation with people, mapping out exactly what can happen and how to do it, and then a week happens. Fide's right. Somebody's out there setting the parameters. Changing the waves so we think in a different direction, every couple of seconds. Why do we keep switching it around? Do we all have a different idea of how things go or is somebody just doing some dastardly stuff to us? Right. I just imagined it. Going back to school, probably having the gall to move out of this house.. this safe house.. and it just turns into 'hanging out' or 'hanging around' for another ghastly amount of time. Paradox of "I just can't wait on other people". Really, though. What is the one thing? There is no one thing. That again. Those again. Do I really see myself doing what I want to be doing in 2011? Joke is on you. I'm the only one optimistic, here.

Right. That was Sunday. Inward. Then, Monday was the time I stepped foot outdoors. What a hellfire. I just went to the bank, and then onto reading a book. Then the book made me think for a bit. Then those thoughts reminded me of my dad. So I called him. I mindlessly ran into Hank. Espresso. He told me his story. His story. You never know. I've never considered biographies. I heard what I wanted to hear, I suppose. Hm, but the more I tell the events of the day, the more I realize that we all might be in the same mood. Under that same ol' wave that must've come over me. Well, not really based on him or anything. That just gave me a story to tell. Also, I might have imagined seeing a certain person that I know, but I didn't look back. Hard to explain, but there was a person sitting on a car whose face I didn't have time to look at. I don't know.

How I just keep coming back and wondering what I must have just written about. I actually don't remember the very last thing I said. Oh right. Yeah, Monday. Someone's offers to take you to a place, you go. Finished a book that night. Conan premiered. Still, a lot of talk about "I just saw the devil" that no one can really take back. It really just creeps into your brain. That again reminds me of the dreams I must be having this week. I think I caught one, but I don't remember. They've been kicking me old school.

Two days this week I've gone to the school to turn something in. Both times, I run into Nathan and Matthew. It just happens. To go any farther into talking about that'd just be stress. I ended up at "political club" today. I must've been a fool. I really just stay in comfort zones. I've done everything, though. Someone must be keeping me sheltered. Well, whatever. That's this week. Eh, I'm getting that negative "school" feeling, I guess. I'll see. I can't tell if this is like the tiptoe of the year, though. What does November look like?

I hope I snap out of it. Or back into something else. September was a good one. Except the 25th. You'd think I'd have nerves of steel by now, but I guess I lack experience. Hell. I don't know if I've been in some 'twilight of my own secret thoughts' though because I'm regenerating old mindsetsahhellwhatever. Not to mention, I didn't even mention "After All". That'll never happen.

Goodness. Ha.

At Least

Ah, erm. I wanted to say something about not being allowed to brag about my own personality traits, or something. Hold up, my leg is bouncing up and down while my arm iss resting on itt. I'm typing. Yeah I mean, half of me is thinking that the pressure should be on. Most of me agrees that things are going ok. Things are going according to plan, I suppose. Then comes the unplanned. Heh, my dad is in the hospital right now, after a car accident. Of course, I am unable to head to Atlanta to visit him. I'm just not sure about how I am reacting. I am sure that anything I can say right now, about this situation, would be considered exploitation. To myself, at least. Ok, let me just say that this is an example of me thinking rather than feeling. If we can put aside the severity of the problem, I just want to reflect on this aspect... Well, I don't know.. People that are motivated by feelings, are they the ones who announce to the world this type of stuff? This is going to be a hard thought-process to untangle, though.

No feelings happen when I get news like this, which cannot be a bad thing, but if they did... what would they be? Worry vs. Concern... What am I doing right now? What should I be doing right now? I am at ease, for the most part. I just don't know if I should be. My left leg is shaking, and that is all. The same leg was shaking around this time, last year. I was just writing a story and I noticed the things that must be on my mind right now. Once again, the news has found its way into my thoughts. Yesterday was the first I had even heard of those miners in Chile. That aggravated me, at first. Some news story that I didn't even know about, having an almost ineffective outcome. Comedians had to break that piece of news to me. Why am I hearing this story, and why will it be in my subconscious for a while? I guess the story was irrelevant to me, until now. I won't explain why.

Let's try it this way. I woke up at eleven, and was alert by 11:30. Today, I had plans for me to: message two people about my phone number, finish my financial aid thing, and call Hank and my dad. The only thing I did not do was call Hank. I held off on breakfast because I really was not in the mood to give that soy milk another chance. Right. I called my dad, and he didn't answer the first time. I was still in bed. A minute later, he called me back. He seemed to just be waking up, too. Apparently, this was his day off from his new job. He told me that it was a good thing that they gave him a day off because he was feeling a little bit sick. It's flu season, I suppose. It was a short phone call, but he said he would get in touch Saturday. So, my day started. I showered and turned on my computer monitor to see that I had set aside some videos for me to edit today. I guess I edited two, and looked through the rest. Meanwhile, it was my mom who was finishing up my financial aid for me. I didn't expect that at all. Somewhere along the way, I guess the video editing did cut into the afternoon. Not sure if I remember where the time went today.

It was evening, and in a rare occasion, I sat on the couch and watched tv. Actually, I had been encouraging myself to watch tv more often in order to keep myself aware of the ways that shows are written and stuff. I was watching Seinfeld, when I got a call from my dad's phone number. When I answered, I heard my dad's friend. She told me that he was in the hospital after a car accident. In hindsight, this reaction is familiar. I'll try not to keep that in mind. But see, all I can think about is exploitation. How do people react to others when they are in pain? I'm sorry, but if I say what is actually going on in my head, then..

Every thought is going through my head. The hilarity, the horror, the satire, the honesty, the memories, the news, the stories, the offense, the defense, the ugly, and whatever the opposites to all those things are. And more. I was already thinking these things, though. It's a paradox because none of this is caused by hearing that my dad is in intensive care, and it is at the same time. Was I already going to talk about something? Was I already planning to talk about my weekend? Will I forget the weekend completely? Hah, it's officially Friday. When did my weekend end? What am I allowed to be thinking about? Should I be concentrating on getting to hospital to visit my dad? Should I be thinking about things to cover that whole thing up?
Current Mood: Waiting.
Let's be honest, I'll do the family thing and "keep him in my prayers," at the very least. I guess all that is really on anyone's mind at the minute, though, is get-rich-quick. Nothing unexpected, just really amplified to me.. you know, besides this entry's main concern and due to loss of interest in certain other folks. I was really wanting to write about how I have over 14 things that I am working on. I already did that, kinda. It was just going to be about me being slick about the fact that I am able to handle various things with no problem. Then I was going to have the realization that I am not even actively working on those things. That's out of the question, I guess. Now, all I can think is "well, my dad's in the hospital" when I'm trying to maintain focus on this keyboard. That quote is really a balancing act. I'm imagining that I really should not imagine anything too far to the right of that statement. If anything, I'll lean more to the left. On the left, are the good thoughts. Alright, fine. I can't even remember what mental disorder that is. Doesn't matter though.

Yeah, too many things at once. Too many thoughts at once, rather. I know I am not in denial, (don't speak in absolutes) and I know that at the very back of my mind I really just want to mention an episode of King of the Hill that I just watched. Nothing really, just the fact that Bobby was in "the hole" at the military camp, er academy thing that he was sent to. Chile, again. The story I was just writing, again. "Keep him in your prayers," again. The right side.

At the end, I guess there's no use in worrying about others exploiting emotions when they feel more than they think. It all comes back to personality types. Thinkers and feelers. It also comes back to that Stephen King interview I just read. He mentioned something hypothetical about getting into a car accident and thinking "this is just like the movies" rather than being worried about his safety. I'll admit, my heart just skipped when my eyes moved from the name Stephen King up to where I had written King of the Hill, but ah well. Connecting things. I'll ignore it if I have to. As of now, I still haven't read anything by the man. Just about him. It's almost like when I started listening to Frank Zappa. I just read his quotes. Then came the 3 discs of music. Eh, whatever. Wish I could stick to one topic, though. Also, my aunt thinks that my dad might have blacked out before the accident because my dad's friend said he hadn't eaten before then. Could also be the flu. Or any other sickness that would be going around. At the end of it all, it's probably just more exploitation.

I can't even tell where I am thinking.

Watched

Ha ha ha
Really too much.
I woke up today. That was enough. I mean it.
I got right up and possibly ate breakfast. It must have gotten stuck in my teeth because I watched myself trying to dig it out with my tongue. Frosted flakes.
I watched my day, today. I was third-person, today. Now, I feel like I didn't even have a day.
A weird day, man. A weird day.
It was the first cold day, though. My lips are getting dry, I noticed, when I watched myself.
When it was happening, though, I did keep on seeing that my hands might have been dry, too.
So weird of a day. Really.
I started, right off the bat, my "video series". Today was devoted to starting my "video series". The first objective was, simply, to start it. I am so distressed, now. Everything went perfect.
I explained what I had in mind for the rest of it, so this counted. Then, I was invited to philosophy club, again. More excuses to film the day. I think what has me stumped, now, is that today is kind of a.. paradox? Now, I think I'm beginning to wither in some type of understanding. This is only based on the fact that I am typing this right now, but I think I watched more than just progress being made in the footage. Something is haunting me about today. It has to be the change in weather. Can I fight it, this time?

Immediately after I completed one of this year's goals, which actually paves the way to completing more goals, I feel that I need to take this time to stay inside and get cozy maybe. Instincts? I have to make things work around each other, I guess. If this 'goal' works, then maybe everything else will fall into place. That old 12th grade Frankenstein logic. Iconoclast in the class. Gah.. reminds me.

Different topic, but I was actually called a perfectionist in that class. After helping write a story about a murderous housewife.. a poem about a murderous housewife. I literally thought it was cliche. I guess that's why it was only a slight comment about my proposed perfection. Sorry, this must be an inside joke or something. A moment only I can enjoy. Kind of like how I really just can not wait to tell my story about that Muddy Waters, Jr. show.

Ok, I'll do it. Once I get this story straight, I'll keep working on it. This stupid, stupid "series". I'll call it stupid, so it'll have some resentment in the mix. It already looks exactly like me. This is my solo thing.

Wait.

Duh.

That was the whole reason I came here. To tell about my day. Er, to tell about my mood. I feel like I'm.. you know. "In, over my head." or whatever. I actually took it upon myself to start- and finish- an entirely separate project, aside from.. Cool Winners, Terror Keyboard, Brain Camp, Daytime Buddies, Let's Dants, Body Snatcher, street art, the secret music video, the promos, and.. real life. What..what am I thinking? Will something as taxing as a documentary about myself be what I need to get all of these projects rolling? To complete this year's goals? To help the people around me? To finally build relationships with people I actually want to know? How was I doing this before? Oh no, I must have been neglecting a bunch from.. posting things on the internet. Ha, not to mention I'm considered to not have anything going on, right now. Though, somehow, something going on would actually ironically make things less hectic. I don't know. I don't have a lot to work with. Material-wise. Even though that's the point I'm trying to make. Gah.

Well at the very least, no one will watch it. The best that can happen is that I actually complete my list. Yeah, see. I'm actually not doing this to impress folks with my projects, not to gain attention, and not to.. I forgot the other thing. Still, my reason is to simply.. do something. Not 'do something' out of boredom, but to do a thing that causes me to do other things. Alright. It's a responsibility. All I have to do is pick out what parts of the day I like, and compile it. That's all. Then maybe I'll get to those other things.

Agh, though, what if it actually does end up looking like some blog? Heh, well it doesn't matter. See, like I said. I'm not doing this for show. I'm not expecting anyone to watch. I'm trying to keep up with myself. All I need to know.. is that this can be considered a good thing to do. Or a right thing. I don't know. I'll give myself rest if I need it. This is stupid, though, talking about it. 2 am, somehow. Back to the other topic. Feels like I didn't even enjoy the day. Hah, I know I did, actually. Ok fine. Mood shifts, in the fall.

Let's watch.

Might As Well

Alright, then.
I guess the actual thing that's on my mind (after erasing a couple of sentences) is the whole thought of.. er. 'if you only had ___ to live' and stuff like that. I mean. I don't know how I am with that. I guess I've been waiting for me to finally figure out what it means to me. You know, kind of like when you've known of a certain famous person all of your life, but you're just not ready to know about him or her? More like when you hear a 'fact of life' or someone's motto and you've always thought that you knew what it meant.. Hell, I guess now is the time I finally delve into 'you only live once'. I guess knowing that I'm going to make it in the end isn't enough, right now. It's like I'm kind of preparing for the day where I find out I only have one day left. I guess I don't know enough of the world for me to find out about a last thing that I can do right now. Anything I'd want to do anytime soon, I'd rather just see develop. Not the process, just ugh. Processes make me run away, actually. So, no. Like, I know how easy everything is- within reason.

Honestly. It still confuses me. Yeah, I realized that I can actually get "confused". I guess I have to just look at it how it is.. "one day to live". Well, I could be breathing mold right now and that's deadly. I might, honestly, pass away soon. Unexpectedly. How much should I worry, thinking that I might actually just expire within months? It doesn't really bother me a whole lot, until I think about all the stuff they'd find in my notebooks and other writings. Ha, really, I'm just thinking about the many people who already have no idea what to make of the things I have had to say. That's a whole other story, maybe. I don't claim to be misunderstood or nothin'.

Ok screw it. "Current mood: Embarrassed.. Mortified.." I don't know. It doesn't matter what causes these things and how I resolve them or could have resolved them. I know that there's got to be a point where you can literally just redeem yourself. I shouldn't just take several tiny, yet huge, embarrassing moments and just say "ok, I'll just make jokes or movies about them so they won't be so horrifying to remember." I really, really have got to talk to these people about these ambiguous moments. I've got to find out, or let them find out, what can be reasonable in these situations. Of course, I won't be able to track down other folks, but if the things have just happened.. then I should say something. How can you really just be honest when it comes to people who.. matter? Really, on that note, how does one really at least try to get someone to do what's right? Wow. In a way, once again, it feels like heh being a puppeteer, for lack of better metaphors. Then after thinking, it's back to how I felt before the summer. Where several people are making me up. I'm several peoples' puppet? Nah, whatever, that's all stupid. This is stupid. Really stupid, all of it. This is actually just very stupid, and I couldn't be having a better time talking about how stupid this actually is.

I'm typing. What in the hell could that attribute to me doing what I want to do? I'm holding back, by the way. A lot. Because I have additional ideas, that aren't able to just be typed. They're the things that you see after you read this that's kind of "oh, that must be what caused him to do this'. Stupid. I've been losing brainpower, recently. That can literally, literally mean few things. Willful loss of brain? Me? No, actually, never. Ha.

This is awful. Nothing's awful, just this is awful. I know a person who just did the stupidest thing I can think of. I know him. Heh, to say the least. I know a person who has actually given up on things that they just "don't see happening". I know a couple of folks who just won't do things, and seem to wonder why they have to continue with their regular lives. I know a guy who I know I can't fully trust, but I really don't even care. Yet, I instinctively care. I know someone who literally will not make sense to me at all. That's what I know right now. That must be what's on my mind. This is ridiculous. All over the place. Where have I been? How do I know I haven't had this same mind-state before? This is probably how I felt, back in January, where I had not previously been "typing".

All year, I've had one set of things on my mind. I didn't say a word. Thought I said something, but no. Now, I've come back from Chicago, uttering quotes that I didn't think I'd remember. Now I'm back in a business-man state of mind. Now I'm trying to "network". That conflicts with everything I was, most of this year.

I think the wind is right.. something's in proper alignment ONLY for me to be able to safely say.. "I'm confused." And since context has to be an issue, it's literally just thoughts about real life. Real. Real. Real. Life. Li-li-life life. NOT the "real world" that older people warn you about. That's still nonsense. Alright, fine. I am unable to cope with the embarrassment, practically because I'm not talking about it. So, no use.

Also, I am unable to go from this to doing what I want about "one life to live" stuff. It wouldn't work. I'll still try. But really. "Being alive is so weird."

Wild

It's actually very astonishing. I can... speak volumes, I'm sure, and not even once mention anything in my life that might involve.. well you know, the personal stuff. What happened to the public-personal relationship I was headed for? Er, you know, nothing secret. Well nothing is secret, I guess, is the problem. Yeah, actually. I guess if you're not going to have secrets, you had better not want to have secrets. Fine. I guess I have "secrets". Fine. I guess I am regular. Whoa.

So, you're saying... not being outstanding was just a way to hold off until you were allowed to be outstanding? No good. You can't necessarily dig yourself out of that. Quick, be outstanding! Hold on. See? Hesitation. I guess you have to be in a realm of past and present in terms of completing... goals.

Though. The problem cannot be a question of whether or not I am outstanding. Of course.. I'm apparently "esoteric". Of course I had to look it up. Known by a select few, right? A select few are able to see me as outstanding. On top of that few, are the ones who are interested. They give up, easily. The majority give up, instantly. So, when I'm ready.. fine.

I should definitely stop with the delusions, though. I should either get someone to listen to all of it, or hell. Someone needs to be able to listen, without jumping to conclusions. I know for fact that it makes a great story, but I... There was something that was on tv... oh yeah.. that woman who can talk backwards.. She didn't know that it wasn't "normal" until it came up, one day. That's what I want to see. I want to see if my stories sound familiar. Hm. He's torn.

Other than that, yeah. Career changes. I need to cool down. May need to travel. Imagine how good it'd be to see very unfamiliar people, who can know nothing of your previous travels. As if you'd tell them. To think.. a change of scenery and all of this could have just been some dream. Hah. You've been escaped, all along! Agh, but not for long. Eventually someone is going to ask you to speak up. There's something to you. So, you say almost too little.. and it get's everybody all panicky. Damn it.

Again.


Oh. Dream. Yeah, after I had trouble getting to sleep, after shouting the word "chemicals" over and over again... I dreamt that I was driving. I was driving and I was the only one to see a flaming white helicopter coming close to the ground. Right next to where that Chic-Fil-A billboard would be, over the bridge. I guess because I was the only one who could see it, I was the only one who could maintain myself on the road. Huge disaster. Cars freaking out, me going steady. Eventually, I end up at some... safe house or party... I think I talked to a bunch of people about it, and I tried to let everyone know that I was the only one to actually see it happen. Not sure if a lot of the folks cared. Fine, though. The house was kind of like how you can imagine the rest of the house from Married With Children to look. Regular young guy with medium brown hair, holding a drink. Heh. Something else good happened, but still... I never have dreams with fire or destruction. I knew I'd dream though. Another 'pro' to a horrible thing.

Then, I think I visited Justin, somehow. He was just on a hotel bed. On the phone. That's kind of all. Not sure. Hah. I never really see folks like that, in dreams. Well, see. Not Justin, at least. Makes me want to dream of my other cast of characters. Ah well.

Ohhh yeah. I remember waking up and describing my "perfect girl" for some reason. I actually sat up, and counted specific qualities with my fingers.. It was, of course, a delusional type of specific. Delusional specifics. Like how also before sleeping, I thought of a "spectrum of vulgarity". In addition to a "roulette of..." I don't think I finished that one. One of those last thoughts before bed, where you sum up the world for the night. Never lasts.

Well.

An Entire Year

It has been a year since we had performed on stage. Our own show. An amazing accomplishment, really. How ridiculous. Cool Winners and MC MassMurder. What a difference between then and now.

Agh, what a disappointment. We haven't made the same efforts to try to do it, again. Fide won't even be here to watch, or film, the next one. He can't stand around and solicit the dvd with the old "excuse me, sir. would you like to buy a dvd of tonight's performance?" That was one part of one of the plans.

Today, once again, I've gotten to that point where I realize that we have done nothing. I mean, last night, I finally got to hang out with Matthew. He always ends up being a rare find. He always ends up being that breath of fresh air. After talking, I remember, of course. We're all just... all of us. You can tell.

Well, what is keeping us from just being that thing? What is it that we're trying to be? I actually convinced myself that there's twelve others because of that movie. I should shake that one off, though. And why is it impossible to get each of us in the same room? We must be sort of cowardly, then. We do all of these things, and if not, then we still.. agh. Ok, fine, the one other thing is that same force that forces us not to even promote ourselves correctly. It must be that same force that causes me not to impress.

Whatever. I just wish that I could actually manifest what the heck I see things as. It's all just some fable. Feels kind of blind, though.

He

Blister

First of all, I probably won't make it if my feet are the things trying to get me there. I applaud them, but it's my fault. I didn't think being barefoot in the city would actually do that much. Then, I guess I haven't acknowledged that the weather might be getting hot, soon.

So, I went to the Marietta graduation. A replica of last year's, I bet. This was Saturday, a full day. No idea how long ago it was, now. I went there, in a useless shirt, and watched. I took a peek at some folks, but I eventually hurried off to a pretty good breakfast. From there, I went to Grant's little graduation thing that "the proud mamas" put together. I was anxious because I had to leave there, even sooner than the other things. Still, after all of that, I was incredibly anxious about "some big party" that I was going to....

I can still feel it, though. Questions raised in the past year meeting circumstances and settings of this year, so far. Once I realized that I was all by myself, in this, I had no choice but to mention that it's another "this group doesn't make any sense." These people know each other, but they're not supposed to meet. I mean, I would love for everyone to meet, but not like this. People from this year, mentioning ironic folks to people who have been the subject of conversations for a long time. It may as well be selfish that that's what I'm focusing on. It's just that I feel that I was entirely alone. Especially because no one reacted to my outrage. You'd have to be dead in order to ignore outrage like that. I'm surprised the guy next to me, wasn't dead yet. I guess he just had to stick it out for my own personal season finale. I was really hoping it'd be a series finale, though. Too much for one period of time, maybe.

I must not mean what I am saying, here, but, it was right for it not to be a "party." It was what I came there for. It was answers. Of course, when you find out enough answers, the questions get scrambled. I guess both ends can't be tightened in one night. So, from there, I have to continue. I am sorry that, as a result, I refused to meet anybody new afterward. I just don't want some new person walking around throwing in some hidden ironies for me to collectively research. What does it matter, though? People buying houses? That's unheard of. People selling houses? That's going to begin to make my skin crawl.

What is the use? The longer people have to stare at your elbows, under your sleeve, the more they realize that you're only alive. Those people are there to lift, and their elbows are shame. I want my elbows to be seen from above, as under my arm.

Either way, I left that place feeling that stomach ache you get when you kind of watch a person die. I think I might have done exactly that. Watching, I mean. The last time I felt like that, I subsequently watched a car burning, casually. My only problem is the fact that everyone may just feel the same. All of the time. If anyone does react to anything, then they'd all have to. Except, I feel betrayed that people can repeat things that I am thinking but have no legitimacy in their presentation. By saying that, people know exactly what I mean. The ones that don't claim to be confused, of course. Still, if these are all repeated words, then why is there a flux between high and low? Must be nonsense.

I completely forget I have a family.

I guess you have to kind of be aware. You might have to be aware of the world spinning, of course. That theory. In addition to the fact that you have a throat that opens and closes every once in a while. You'll have to be aware of spiders hanging around, hunger, and that glass might be made of sand. Think about your spouse and children, whether or not you have them. Think about your friends, whether or not they exist. Then, think about how some people are 100% set on thinking about reproductive organs. All together, your thoughts will thank you, and you might get something. I don't know.

When I got home, I literally couldn't imagine doing anything but sitting and staring. How was it not the end? Alright. Not to mention the horrifying ironies that proved that is wasn't over. I mean, I might have to do something on the verge of a publicity stunt, just to prove some things for myself. That's the best way I could put it, for that moment.

I absolutely have to go.

Tore

Thus ends what may have been the last of the House-Buyers. Not really. House-buying is new. It's years in the making. I don't like my own personal labels. Except my own. Now let me get to my real mood.

Upset or disappointed or suspicious. Whichever, there'll be some kind of stupid realization at the end so I can just go "see, it's all on purpose." Right? I might as well say it now, to expedite variation. I can remember loads of words, see? So suddenly, it's after midnight. They take it all away from you. All of them are taking all of it from all of us. The house owners have got any potential buyers by the balls. I'd hate to revert back to rebellion, but is it not the case? Sentenced to hell under our own personal masters? Water coming in, to taunt me. Bloody tears, in some other country. Those who wrote the bible, practicing their satire. Some divine literary competition, while I face shopping cart poetry. Tortures of the damned, yes. It's a rite of passage to get exactly what you ask.. around. A pre-requisite of those who were tortured, in order to kick back and just say "ohhh" in pure pleasure. Bit by bit, in order to keep away the actual previous final destinations. From prison to slavery.

The letter. "i can not deel with this any more and unfortinitly i am going to run away" or I assume. Some childhood experience. Somebody else's family. Still, children have the right idea. Pack up one or two of their favorite toys, a package of candy, and the clothes on their back. That'd get them farther than they'd think- which isn't saying a lot because their expectations dive in about an hour.

Still. It may just be heat confusion. Won't stop the tragedy, though. I don't want to introduce myself if I have to include the sounds of "twenty-" or "thirty-" and so on. Only a little over a year to do so. Ok, fine. Maybe I just won't be able to do anything with the actors and folks over 80. I'll just have to keep finding newer interesting people to hope to one day meet. What, in the hell on earth, is the true Hard Work? Where exactly is that one point where I finally, by myself, just let loose and start something and get it done? I thought it was "put me in a room, give me something to do, and close the door." Am I still supposed to be practicing? How long to practice before one accidental good thing happens? How long will I have the same mood?

Sleep can be a reward or a waste of time. It depends on who's giving it to you. I'll bet, eventually, that'll be the same case with a lot of things.

Did you know you're not allowed to change your tragic flaw? You're supposed to take the fall for anyone who was born with that tragic flaw. See? If you're the one who is showing the other people who have the same destiny as you, then you have to show them how not to have the same destiny as you. At least you'll be a hero. A tragic hero, again.

I've become.

Hone

Yeah willingly unresponsive. In the past week maybe, I got my new camera. Made 2 videos in one night. Already old news. One of them can actually be described as the ultimate Pito Video to date. It is my 50th one I've uploaded to the tube, so good coincidence. I say ultimate because it contains features of all my previous solo works. Viral, anyway.

Today hasn't really done justice. Aggravated, I think. Got off and took a nap. Work takes more hours away from your life than you know. It's really not fair (well you got a point there.) Watching old Fredryk Phox and realizing that he was another one of the people who have subliminally influenced me during that one part of my life. It's almost sad though. The fear of a cycle.

I think I may be stressed or aggravated tonight. Ashamed of the fact that I went through today looking how I look. The clothes, I mean. No idea what anyone else saw. Ok and "you look thinner and thinner" losing weight 'compliments.' Too bad I overheard the same person compliment another person. "Younger and younger." Except that was a bigger ruckus. With me, I just kind of. Fake smile. "Are you happy?" Asking if the compliment worked. I have no idea of reality, actually kinda. No idea what I look like, which may or may not matter. No idea what it is. Then of course someone would say: "Dude, everybody feels that way." Alright. Yeah let's leave that one there until I have proof.

All my obligations are paid. More library books. Three, this time. Three separate rooms.

Oh yeah and talking to Nico about all of us getting together for a new show. So far it looks like we're considering the Wonder Root. Who knows. I think we all agree yes. Justin won't be MC MassMurder he says. Hopefully we're building our following. wish we had a following though. Still, also maybe a picnic show in my backyard. Then when MC Mass finally finishes his album, a much better show. I'm already miles ahead of myself. I want the Cool Winners junk to have been established, MC to move on, the bridge between Nico's folks and us to be built, and the Creepy Ghosts explained. All that's in the past to me. In my mind, my entire career (past and future) is all just in the past. I think we need to bite off something we can barely swallow. Disappoint a lot of folks except the ones who pay enough attention. Already.

Tabloids about us. Able to happen. Just no idea who the hell we are. Death wish. we're all in chaos, not chaotic chaos but left over chaos from when we were in chaos. Not big enough to be chaotic. There's an entire story here. He's torn, Georgie. This is drama. So, what? Do I just write the biopic or the documentary? Who wants the same story, twice? It's a multiverse, so it quenches but also drouts. Thirsty as hell.

An that dreadful To-Do list. Somethings literally can only be done in a certain light. You Know? Begging to work myself to death. The way I want to work, clearly. Stop this, it's nonsense. For people to just eat these things. This store is just gluttony. Why put so much emphasis on FOOD? Out of their minds. That, in fact, should be the ring of hell for sinners of gluttony. Food as a goal, as comfort, as something to talk about, life? Ridiculous. I wouldn't mind any of these folks just going to hell. Ok, I shouldn't be at this point. This is how everyone ever has complained about work. I've been complaining about work all of my life.

I must explode.

Crazy

Last night didn't help it. One of those walks. Then comments. I was flushed into some weird bind I couldn't have possibly gotten out of. One of those things that cause a loss of sleep. I slept fine, but it didn't stop. A chance to confront the pinnacle of my current anxiety. No, I mean I actually feel weird. Like, actually having gone off the deep end. Thinking of a way to respond, thinking of every possible response. First thing this morning was about that show on the History Channel about the seven deadly sins. Envy. Explaining how a lot of stuff is just based in envy, you know? Wise enough to cut through the bs and the guilt that being engrossed would cause, I realize that Freud showed up again. Then, my mom walks in with Battleship, the board game er whatever. Two things involved in what I've been thinking lately.

We were supposed to do Twill today. I had finally tried to explain that I really have no time for Twill. It's just so stupid. It bores me, I get nothing out of it. That's not usually me, but I'm just too exhausted about it to explain. It's an exhausted idea. It's bland, and anything involving a dirt road dries me to no end. It's illegitimate and unrewarding. Like work. It is work, and anything I offer my imagination cannot be work. "It's not genuine." I am not starting a "band" and I do not want to. Not under these circumstances.

Then, Nick. His name is Nick. What the hell? I have a friend named Nick? Since when? Doesn't sound right. Still, he was to be coming into town. He was just in Florida. The relevance is just that he was also talking to me at the same time as Grant.

Both sides of my birthday. If you shave both their heads, you'd get a yin yang on the floor. Not black and white, unless you convert to grayscale. They're both speaking as if to make plans for later on. I also wanted to try for buying a camera. Options for the day. Nothing happens. Meanwhile, I'm still thinking about the fact that there are 3 other people who I do not ever see, all thinking about the same thing. Same as that author. One person having these thoughts for legitimate reasons, wondering how someone who couldn't possibly have legitimate reasoning look so genuine, the friend who is going through similar circumstances and ambiguous as to whether or not this is actually a mutual mindset. Which scares me away from the website. Anything I say may just come off as "trying to impress."

Then the word 'crazy'

Then, explaining myself. Not explaining why you're using these words. Not making any sense. Therefore, no help. It's a Friday night. Work tomorrow. How I can only think of all of the things I just said, while I am slicing a box open, and cramming packaged foods onto a shelf. Coming home, and looking at things related to what I must have been thinking about. My graduation test scores. My diploma. All of my old drawings that could not have been done by me. Thinking about how this is legitimacy. Thinking about how if I had to explain turning this into a career, all that would come up is the folks who did it for and because of admiration. Because of and for envy.

Envy vs. Inspiration. Admiration vs. Legitimacy.

When you were in a place you didn't want to be because of that mindset. When all of your friends are out doing things, whether or not you want to do them. When they can buy things you don't even want. Betraying your own beliefs- true beliefs. Regretting the betrayal of yourself. Not believing in a type of person. Follow. Realizing that you didn't believe in a type of person after experimenting with a mindset that you found because of your original mindset. See, now it's not making sense to me even.

I mean, the Windy Hill house. I ended up there because I had all these conflicting ideas about the whole college and job thing. Whatever. Ah yes. The location of this place, not only bringing the home and capability envy, but introduced me to the source of the question of the legitimacy. So both sides. Oooh, I cannot even begin to get on a steady track to explaining this. I need to get it to one final point before I can leave it alone.

I keep wondering whether or not to get a camera. Now because of the whole envy thing, I can't tell if my reasoning for getting one will be legitimate. Well hell, I got a phone out envy. And a house. Or did those things that I seemed envious of push me into getting them, therefore bettering myself? Am I being subliminally fed then need of a camera? What will I do with a camera? Use it to explain to others my ideas- aka impressing folks? Do I actually plan on making things that I want to make because I want to make them, or do I plan on making bait to attract all the crap that comes with blah. Is it so I get to have a say-so in what is filmed and what is not? Envy, again? Do I think these girls think this way because of what I happen to be reading about? What if House-Buying is just womb-envy? Am I that automaton that I wrote that essay about last year? The automaton that, instead of anyone else, I gave a connection to Eliza Doolittle?

Tupac said he recorded three songs a day- in the context of being "paranoid" about death.

Johnny Depp sees Ed Wood as a director who wasn't necessarily bad but a director who obviously wanted to get his vision out there.

Well, there it is. The challenge. If I do get a camera, I owe it to myself to make sure to do something with it every day. I mean, if it is legitimate, then shouldn't have a problem. Envy may come and go, but anything that shows up that often can't necessarily be a sin. Hm, possible burden of only making new ideas instead of working with the old. If I'm working with myself, then what about the un-used collaboration ideas. What if collaboration days are numbered? Actually limited by high school? The stupid "quote" that goes with that obviously isn't showing up in my brain. Something about not looking back. Still- If I really mean it, then I will really stick to it. As long as I don't think I'm "committing" to anything. Whatever makes sense. Sense and nonsense never betrayed anyone.

I don't know why they're speaking this language. Maybe it's a long term effect of what happens after the attached becomes detached. Chameleon. Galatea. I must admire what I created. Even if it wasn't me.

Lawlz, peac.
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“Once you have established the goals you want and the price you’re willing to pay, you can ignore the minor hurts, the opponent’s pressure and the temporary failures.” Vince Lombardi

"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." (Lao Tzu)

via the actor Edoardo Ballerini- the first one was someone else's comment, though.

While I'm At

Ok, cool. I can't find that thing I was writing. I just wrote it, sitting on my bed. Where would it just be. It's not in my file cabinet drawer of old notebooks and sketchbooks. Not where it 'should' just be. I must be out of it. That's how I kind of was earlier. I was actually lost at work today. Unable to end a 2-sentence conversation, not knowing that a door can be pulled open, thinking someone is not talking to me. That doesn't happen to me. Not so blurrily. Now that is was hours ago, it can actually just have been a dream. I'd hate to admit it, but this must just be what "high" is. So degrading, but through no influence. I know for fact that's what the same "feeling" is. Yet, there is the idea of the 13 year old "whoa that movie was trippy lol, I must be on drugs" eyeing the approval of whoever showed the movie in the first place. Sweat and grogginess in the film as some goal to be acheived on some seasonal night of the year.

Like Justin, biting my lip to see if I'm gone yet. {bites bottom lip}
No.
My only point of reference is that burst of "Oh my god, I'm not here! I'm not here" or any other hot air balloon feeling in your head that I am trying to legitimately say is a feeling I feel and have felt for the larger number of my days. I'm not the gaggle of coworkers telling you "I'm just having one of my days" or joking about someone else being "special." How have I known those conversations before even knowing what it is to have a coworker? It's like you can pick up on it. The nights you actually do something to "not be here." Before that, the entire day is full of things happening and remarks you only could have made after the fact.
Still. What was it? That vision of everything being kind of watercolor.
After 3:15, only. The entire day before that, was just self-indulgent. Then I get back to my new routine, and... I have no idea what my new routine is. Looking uncoordinated. Causing others to slow down. Yet, obviously the clock is faster than usual. It's possible.

Still, for the past hour or so, I had been looking for that notebook. No idea which one. It's like when someone doesn't recognize a new person. This particular notebook only existed that one day, and then left. "Peace out." Well, while that may be- I still don't know where it is.

Now- if people can truly just make gold and kind of keep it under a mattress, then I don't know. At a stand still about us who leave a trail behind for spontaneous un-reasons.

Gave myself an idea of where to look, though. Also gave me relativity to someone else's though. Always accomplishment, somehow. Oh yeah and I sent this message:

"For the sake of it all, it's a three month cycle. The changes happen 2 weeks at a time. Unit of measurement, yes but for the sake of it all."

So. Whatever.

Forgetting How To Freak Out

Hi, lawlz. Just a second ago, I was having one of those freak outs I have when I realize all the people who know each other. The whole mutual friends thing. Just nothing I can do. My mom just made what would actually be a great dinner, for how it was made. No idea where this stuff came from, but no I just don't like fruits in my dinner so that's why I personally... gah how do I explain..? Besides the fact that I personally find it confusing to eat a fruit in my dinner and how unexpected it was for me to eat the asparagus, but it was [some word that actually means good according to meal-cooker standards] for a meal cooked with no oven, basically. I don't know. just trying to explain that she must have done a lot for a little, but that may be far-fetched.

Got next week's schedule. Another 6 days. A panic because my mom is right. People would be glad to have those hours. Yet, I need more time to... eh who am I kidd-ong? If I would have had a job earlier in life, i would understand time-management. Ha, irony. There were books on that subject yesterday, in the library. I actually debated. Probably the reason I feel down about work in the first place. Basically the same thing as food, drugs, and bang-alotta. Freud, trying to but not 100%. I must have been trying to warn myself. Metaphor of the hours at work being an open wound literally 'gushing' blood. Something's got to slow that down. Metaphor of the previous and a white lie. Whichever bandage is chosen will cause a lot of other of that same bandage to be used. Hah typos in the present-perfect tense. Agh yes aggravation at how the things I've learned appear at the times most vulnerable to audacity.

Laughed a lot today, which is less of a good sign than I just now thought. Actually scared for a second that I've actually warmed up to working. Yeah today was proof of that. Sitting down under that nightmare camera. Laughing at jokes I don't even like, just because they're jokes. Actually saying "what?" to coworker. Forgetting things, almost. That one might be the scariest. Well, now that I think about it, work was my day today. Since I woke up at approximately 11:30 and went in at 12. It's all I had time for, actually.Then only half a day in between now and working again, in which I work the entire time the store is open plus one hour. Where the hell is my boiling point? When the hell do I discover that thing that people do to get their minds off it? It's actually designed to not be like school. That's why I have to be somewhat of a person that most people can relate to. No, no, no, no. I have to- my god I just forgot. A blank. Literally, someone just rease my memory. I bet the internet might cut off or something might replace what I'm saying with some bs. Erasing proof that I actually, gah all I can think to say is some egotistical mess that opposed the point I am making. Well if it's anywhere near egotistical, then you know what I would have been getting at. If I just state "that's why I'm the main character" then it's just that character flaw that I just imagine to be an awkwardly shaped naked white boy basking in the sunset. With a stupid haircut.

Well. Not much I can do. I'm imagining a mixture of what that one song has taught me and how to spend my time off. I remember "you ever notice when you're off of work, it's ok to actually just do nothing?" Now it's true. What Nick said. Actual private time by myself. Time to either think or tweedle around-er I'm sorry to tinker around with something. Or to "thinker" with something. Something like, eh what somethings do I know how to "thinker" around with? How can I steer this away from innuendo?

"The only thing that keeps me sane is the thought that I have all eternity in which to perfect my art."

Hey guyz