Control

Ahh what a great night, last night. Well, that's over. Today I've just been old hermit. No, I can't tell if I'm just getting almost too particular recently. I think I might becoming choosy or whatever the better word is. Like, I actually think I got aggravated with the thought of people doing things in my room in the way that I don't usually do them. I'm getting afraid that I'm beginning to want things to go my way. I'm almost sure that what I am actually doing has nothing to do with what I'm thinking. There's no way of telling for sure, I mean. I just can't tell because it's like I'm very sure that when I am doing things, that I am doing them for my only right reason. But then the situation just turns into smleh.

Well, all last week I was doing great. I was on a roll, I was writing all types of material and that type of stuff that I do that cannot possibly be criticized or considered futile (because I am also imagining the response to my admitting to writing interesting stuff being looked at as a 'lame hobby'). And see that's just it. I wasn't thinking about this type of crap. I wasn't thinking about the negative things that exist in other universes. I wasn't thinking about universes either, for that matter. I had a clear head for the week. It was like I was headed toward a certain zone, where no one could mention drugs, paranoia, or depression (none of which pertain to me, but bother me when I realize friends are going through this type of junk). I was feeling.. heh.. I was feeling ok (can't stand the phrase "feeling good" for some reason. I claim that I don't believe that a person can do that in the sense that no one has the right to judge what "good" feels like.) and I was calm, in anticipation. Maybe I was waiting for last night. Now, I'm just letting things bother me. People talking loud. i can't tell if that's something that... heh. I don't get bothered, of course not.

Ahr. What I was saying.. Last week, I was doing good. Trying to think of specifics besides the fact that there was a point where I realized the actor Jason Segel seemed cool. I guess the 'accomplished' feeling came from the fact that all of the notebooks I write all this crap in are pretty full. Now before you have already read the words "notebooks" and "write" and already gotten halfway through this sentence, realize that these 'notebooks' are really just.. ah.. you'd really have to see them, but the main point is that they barely have anything to do with writing. So do not even associate it or me with writing. I will not disgrace these things buy calling them "idea books," either. And that's my problem, this week. Or just today, actually. I fear that I actually might just be being a control freak. See, now I'm feeling like I remember myself saying this about myself once before. Actually, hah, I might have been talking about someone else. Still, I'm trying to keep level. I guess it's the fact that because last week, absolutely everything was in my hands, and now that this is the period in which I share my ideas, I am not willing to hear anyone else's. Which is false because I am amazingly open to ideas involving the comedy team. Yep the comedy team. That's what I've been so proud of. Especially last week. That is where my mind was last week. The comedy team. Fail-safe. And now that the day I was waiting for is over, I guess I've been back to whatever. Universe A. My home world. Not the real world, just the place where I grew up. Hm. Maybe that means I need to take each Universe A time to grow up. Or maybe I distribute my grow-ups equally into each universe. So stupid, the word, but in one of these worlds I've come to believe that not a soul should be ashamed of words. And in another, I think the opposite: the whole thing about certain people ruining certain things. In some places, at some moments, no one can ruin a thing.

Back in "Real" World, there's the sound of the lyrics "I told you- no I'll never let you drag me down to hell " which fits. I only call that one "Real" just because that's the crappy one where.. ahem.. sex, drama, and drugs exist. Again, not for me- literally, honestly, and the absolute truth. Those things can get real. But they're all complete bs to me. Cool because there's no way to detach yourself from it without looking like you're-- Hell.

Still, the fact that I've clearly gotten back into talking about this stuff, and the fact that I haven't gotten over the terminology factor just kind of bothers me. That's why I was trying to ignore certain friends of mine. It would do me good, and it has nothing to do with them--oh oh-- just the fact that what they're saying is just going to make me fixate on some other realities. You know. "Drag me down to hell". And that may be the cause of the control-freak thing, as well. I'm temporarily banishing certain folks just because they're not in the same mood as I am (mostly because they haven't heard the same news that I have). They're not thinking about the same things, and that- THAT has to be the problem with long-distance relationships of any sort. They see ABSOLUTELY different things. Absolutely no way to communicate. The details have to gather. Things become less effective from farther away. "You'd just have to be there".

So, what's the deal? Is there anything upsetting me? Well, one thing I do want to get over. That awkward meeting, yesterday. Ah. And that other awkward thing. And the thing I didn't do. And the thing from 2 years ago that I reminded myself of, an hour ago. Redemption? Hah, listen, I'm actually convincing myself that you can get over any awkward situation by turning into a big.. show. Well, hell, that ol' "success is the best revenge". Hah, now that quote is going to make me think of when I told that to Fide and he just focused on the 'revenge' part. But the point, moreover, is redemption.

Ok. I hope this flows well. Actually. Ok, I'm about to just type what I'm thinking in order to help myself out so hold up. Now, if I completely cut myself off from the whole: "imaginary people," "not exist," "universes," "I act different to certain people," "I can't remember my relationship with certain people," "man, I messed up," "anger," "disappointment," and "back-up plans"... does that mean I'm also cutting myself off from actual.. er.. "inspiration" for the things.. God.. that I do? Not to mention "what is it that we do?". That didn't help at all. Wait a minute. This has absolutely nothing to do with last night. As in- this is not even the same.. ah hell, here we go.

One of the things that got me earlier. Two things, actually. Hah. Hah. There is always absolute Hell in trying to defend Kanye West. There. Simple. Let's say defending Kanye West has absolutely nothing to do with the man himself. He's only famous for the fact that he symbolizes the exact situation that I am actually trying to defend. Kind of like Obama (because I thought of Chicago). I mean, that's what "idols" are (and I mean "idols" as famous people in general) there for. They represent an intricate ideal. That's why no one is "the one famous person". You become a fan of one particular thing because that represents that situation. I actually don't care if I'm saying anything new- remember that. But I'm just saying- to defend Kanye is to defend that one ideal of "what I am doing/saying is being translated horribly wrong". Like, jumping the gun. Like, trying to lift something heavy when you haven't even considered building muscles. As in- not ready YET. As in- maybe I need to grow up- once again. Or. Maybe I'm just not wrong.

Other thing was remembering something that could have been considered insanely passive-aggressive over the summer. I mean, how often do people around here blatantly use the words "main character" in reference to real life? Ok, first things first. I'm not saying I'll ever do so, but for someone to call themselves a main character is actually justifiable. I think I'm treading over old grounds (hah) so, I won't even justify that statement- which doesn't need to be justified because it is actually a kind-hearted thing, really. It's one of those things, you know? "Importance of self" (in social situations) is just a matter of moderation. I'm fine. No new lessons. Really just an argument of how "cool" it is to hate yourself vs. how "cool" it is to hate other people. Then there is just the absolutely honest and pure reality of "I have never heard any of those words". So, I'm fine. I just want to talk about that last part with someone before I finally decide what I mean.

Those two things kind of topped off this mood of today. Finding out that no matter what, I'm still going to look like I'm saying/doing mean, untrustable things? Even if the thing I was attempting is fool-proof? Maybe it's because i forget how I look when I'm doing it. I'm just fat :(

Yo.

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Update

Yeah. Today, which is (can't stress this enough) completely not like me, I've gotten a ergh "short temper". I didn't even mention that I was getting ugh "frustrated" with the fam today. Shame that I put a negative outlook about them before I even said anything positive about how I feel about them. You know- because I don't even talk about "fam". Whoa. My God. I just said "feel"("yeah but didn't he talk about 'feeling ok' earlier?"). Ha. Hah. Actually, that just explains this entire thing. It has to just be today. So in that big old open world, I am just a nice, creative (y'all can't stress that enough) young man. Fat too! :P And once every almost-never, I can just be "man he mean"- and that'll be by complete accident. I'm a man of ideas. That's who.
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and then. whoa forgot. oh yeah. how you're not allowed to bring up anything. you're only allowed to be reviewed. I'm being cruel, I think this is making it worse. As long as no one blatantly copies what I'm saying here. I've been sucked in. 1. I wanted to ignore the 'writing' side of things (this) 2. Forcing myself to ignore is just the same as ignoring anything that isn't an internal conflict.
Bottom line- last night was fun. My friends and I went to a show. I got a free dvd.

Dice

Ok, good. Good, right? Well yeah besides the poverty, pain, and sickness! Aha See, that's always the case. Because "evil" is always imaginary. Yeah, I've been moving on to saying "aha" lately. Take on me. But I've been either busy or more optimistic lately or something, I don't know.
Writing about it is probably what'll ruin it. No, but stuff has been collecting. I mean, yeah there are some prototypical "bad" things looming around but hell. The will always negates defeat.

Yeah I'm sick, but it's fine, really. We just got word that our "brain camp" thing will be taking place on January 29th! That means that I'll be, at the very least, marketing. It'll be good, and hopefully Cool Winners can perform. Going to have to remind myself... nah.. I was thinking I'd need that audio cable to connect a laptop to the speakers but nah.

College.

I guess I also edited 3 videos today but that's just what somebody who is talking about themselves would say. It won't really matter. So, you know. Ha. Hah. I'm getting visions of my future, finally. I'd better harness that crap while the getting is still good. I'll let you know. Other than that... well, I still feel busy. Just wrote a Christmas special. Terrible.

I'll holla (th

Farthest

Well, isn't it? The farthest I've gotten? I wouldn't think so but it actually may as well just be that. The farthest anyone or anything has gotten. Eh, now is not the time. Good luck, though.


It brings up a good point. A charity organization that updates its followers with inspiring quotes. But how often is too often when it comes to reading quotes? How far do people actually want to read? What if it was a celebrity updating what is going on in his or her life with quotes that got them to where they are now? Would fans be annoyed or inspired? These words (of wisdom or even phrases that result in "heh") are literally what go on in this person's head, but I am imagining that somehow these words can go unheeded. Ah first, though, if you literally don't see it then that's a different story. I am talking about pure annoyance with someone that you are a fan of. What the hell could it possibly mean to be a fan of someone? How far do you reasearch into someone's life without either: falling in or out of love, or using this knowledge to enhance your own? Then again the latter type of person couldn't even be considered a fan as much as a soon-to-be colleague. Whoa. Look, really I am specifically recording my thoughts immediately after seeing the page for To Write Love on Her Arms. Then, I thought of how what they post differs from what one average citizen might post. It's kind of merging with my thoughts of friends getting offended that I might be able to quote certain things as they come up. Eh, that's something else. Not far off, seeing as it deals with annoyance. I believe you always happen to read quotes at the perfect moments. Whatever that means. Here, the point is that you should kind of follow what would even provoke one person to quote another and at what moments. "Should." But not necessary. No should is really too necessary.

Companionship. You can't really be with someone that you don't really connect with, or someone that you can't easily talk endlessly to. Any relationship, basically. I'm not saying these opinions are mine. I'm thinking, one can have a dog as a companion and of course feel unfulfilled in the conversation aspect. But what about forgetting the qualities you're looking for? What if you begin to talk to a dog or anything else so much that you've just become busy? What if you let the human-thing set it, and you create your own motivation to keep on talking or keep on sitting-next-to. Maybe even the life-partner sense can work out. How have people been ignoring that their spouse "doesn't get it"? Maybe someone who "get's it" can only be with someone who "doesn't get it". The people closest to them will get it. That can be fine enough.

Well, I wonder if this worked at all. Those are my points. Just to keep me going, for like a split second, you know. Other than that... Heh well, just got word that I might be doing.... something.... in January. I hesitate to explain that I'm not giving exact detail yet.

I'm in the school registration process. Oh yeah of course. You know by know, right. Ugh. You. Still, if I can keep my head out of the mucky idea of what college used to be and what college actually is, then I'll be good. What college actually is versus what I'm actually doing are really perpendicular. Not necessarily clashing though. Fine. Skew. Hah irony. I've been talking about how horrifying Geometry was to me, and now look. Eh. Very small irony, yet big also since I used geometry humor. Wait, but that wasn't a joke. Ok stop. Like I said. If an academic career can be foiled simply by a chance disappearance of a classroom's folder, then I'm forced into skepticism.
What?

Last week is over. Haha. Good. It was very tyrannical. I didn't even know it. I cured. It must have been a good weekend. I still have a big off egg white crust on my sleeve. Possibly still a little bit of dog poit on the bottom of my shoe, as well. You can tell Matthew is going to be in the picture more often, soon.

This just in.. My mom just brought in an envelope, asking "Could this be for you and Tash?" The envelope was addressed to: Big Bro and Sister. There's no return address. I, eating leftovers, just said something about the possibility of anthrax. I'm not even sure what the state of the anthrax scare is, anymore. The post mark says it's from Michigan. I just finished eating, so I am more willing to try to open it. Gah. I hope it's a letter from the future. That's always my hope.

Wish me luck.

Back. I opened the envelope, carefully. Inside was a folded white sheet of paper. I pulled it out, and inside were two portrait-like photos of two young boys. Christ. I hate finding stuff like that. On the backs were their names and current ages. My first thoughts (I think even before turning them around to see the actual photos) were that I was supposed to be some assassin or bounty hunter. Now listen up. I don't even like that type of fiction. All I can say is that anyone else may have had the same thoughts. My minions told me that those were the first two options :). Really, that thought went away as soon as it arrived. Then of course came the "letter from the future" thing again. Well. These two boys are brown. I'll be damned if they're my offspring. Especially the one marked "Zach". I hate this kid. Hah, actually he looks like the boy from the George Lopez show. The sitcom, I mean. You know. I had to watch it on my Chicago trip. Rabbit ears.

Nope. I'll never have those two particular boys. They're no good. See, there's no telling though. An envelope with no return address. That's either attributed to forgetfulness, lack of envelope etiquette, or hell. From the future. Come on. And in the end of it all- please just let me have my imagination. I wonder whatever happened to that one girl that I met a couple times as a kid. Her uncle or family friend or just some older guy kept teasing her about having an extra toe. No telling if she actually did have an extra toe. But then I guess it wouldn't be a tease-able thing if it were true. I think I was just sitting off to the side, bored. I wonder if I actually made friends with those kids. I think it might have been their mom that was friends with my dad. Now I remember the lady's name because it was the first time I ever heard the name Reina. My dad told me it meant "queen". I keep visualizing this.. these streets that kind of look like they belonged in an unfinished neighborhood. I remember walking around... or being forced out of common courtesy to walk around... with her kids. Something about juice, too. Gah, that's just going to make me think about Ralph. And Beverly. Weird periods of time with my dad's friends. My dad's friends who just happened to have kids for me to play with.

Wait. I'm still talking about these two bastards that got sent to me in the mail. What, am I doing charity now? Christ, who are these kids? The obvious answer would be to send them to the correct address, right? Nah. This is the address that was written on the letter. Minus the "northeast" part. Wait, there were previous renters. The only reason I didn't think about that is because I had heard about the guy who was here in between us living here. He kicked holes in the walls, apparently. Who the hell would send pictures of young men to a man like that? In that case, the family... or friends.... will sort that out, amongst themselves. It's probably just some pathological gift someone just sent me as a cruel, Hank joke. Other than that, I'll just exploit the hell out of these pictures... no, no, they bother me too much. I would just kind of jokingly use them as placeholders in books at the most. And I won't burn them. I won't burn these pictures literally because I'm suspicious of the fact that I'm even thinking about burning them in the first place. Sigh. Look. I'll leave them where they are. I don't know the name for that particular article of furniture, but that's where they are. Sort of tucked under the paper towel my mom uses to collect incense ashes. There.

No one could have possibly expected this, but this is what happened. It happened to me in the middle of some odd writing practice I was doing. Good enough. I won't forget it. And speaking of which, I don't want to forget the other details. On my way to the piece of furniture I just mentioned, I did stop in the kitchen. I almost placed the envelope and pictures on the counter. That would have been too much. No, but my mom had just cooked these little apple tarters or something. Very good. A thin pie crust with chunks of green apple, with some sort of caramel-like (it very well may be caramel. or home-made caramel) sauce, and toffee chips. I've already forgotten them. There's plenty left, but I wanted to test whether or not I could hold off on devouring a dessert immediately. See. I'm good. Thing kinda have to be good. Gah, to think. The one thing that I have a tinge of doubt about right now is just.. my other life. My 1st 'other' life. I'm feeling iffy about.. ok there's got to be a different 'venue' for me to talk honestly about the..ugh.. comedy team. There's nothing "ugh" about it, but a very harsh change of pace. Minions telling me "no, don't." but I've got it. There's no right way. I'm feeling very good about the state of this topic (and we all like to think we're caring the most out of anyone) but there are very tiny little frays that could become problems later. I don't know. That's something I'd have to talk about. "Talk" about.

Well, then. It's good. Plus, I'm offended by the word "good". Plus, I can't tell if I'm saying "I'm offended" as a habit that Nick has rubbed off onto me. Now, if I was really in a paranoia-ish mood, then I'd completely change my wording of that last sentence. Current mood: lounge. Back hurts, and I'm just now realizing I didn't take the walk I planned for today. Craig. Ah well.

This worked.

Watched

Ha ha ha
Really too much.
I woke up today. That was enough. I mean it.
I got right up and possibly ate breakfast. It must have gotten stuck in my teeth because I watched myself trying to dig it out with my tongue. Frosted flakes.
I watched my day, today. I was third-person, today. Now, I feel like I didn't even have a day.
A weird day, man. A weird day.
It was the first cold day, though. My lips are getting dry, I noticed, when I watched myself.
When it was happening, though, I did keep on seeing that my hands might have been dry, too.
So weird of a day. Really.
I started, right off the bat, my "video series". Today was devoted to starting my "video series". The first objective was, simply, to start it. I am so distressed, now. Everything went perfect.
I explained what I had in mind for the rest of it, so this counted. Then, I was invited to philosophy club, again. More excuses to film the day. I think what has me stumped, now, is that today is kind of a.. paradox? Now, I think I'm beginning to wither in some type of understanding. This is only based on the fact that I am typing this right now, but I think I watched more than just progress being made in the footage. Something is haunting me about today. It has to be the change in weather. Can I fight it, this time?

Immediately after I completed one of this year's goals, which actually paves the way to completing more goals, I feel that I need to take this time to stay inside and get cozy maybe. Instincts? I have to make things work around each other, I guess. If this 'goal' works, then maybe everything else will fall into place. That old 12th grade Frankenstein logic. Iconoclast in the class. Gah.. reminds me.

Different topic, but I was actually called a perfectionist in that class. After helping write a story about a murderous housewife.. a poem about a murderous housewife. I literally thought it was cliche. I guess that's why it was only a slight comment about my proposed perfection. Sorry, this must be an inside joke or something. A moment only I can enjoy. Kind of like how I really just can not wait to tell my story about that Muddy Waters, Jr. show.

Ok, I'll do it. Once I get this story straight, I'll keep working on it. This stupid, stupid "series". I'll call it stupid, so it'll have some resentment in the mix. It already looks exactly like me. This is my solo thing.

Wait.

Duh.

That was the whole reason I came here. To tell about my day. Er, to tell about my mood. I feel like I'm.. you know. "In, over my head." or whatever. I actually took it upon myself to start- and finish- an entirely separate project, aside from.. Cool Winners, Terror Keyboard, Brain Camp, Daytime Buddies, Let's Dants, Body Snatcher, street art, the secret music video, the promos, and.. real life. What..what am I thinking? Will something as taxing as a documentary about myself be what I need to get all of these projects rolling? To complete this year's goals? To help the people around me? To finally build relationships with people I actually want to know? How was I doing this before? Oh no, I must have been neglecting a bunch from.. posting things on the internet. Ha, not to mention I'm considered to not have anything going on, right now. Though, somehow, something going on would actually ironically make things less hectic. I don't know. I don't have a lot to work with. Material-wise. Even though that's the point I'm trying to make. Gah.

Well at the very least, no one will watch it. The best that can happen is that I actually complete my list. Yeah, see. I'm actually not doing this to impress folks with my projects, not to gain attention, and not to.. I forgot the other thing. Still, my reason is to simply.. do something. Not 'do something' out of boredom, but to do a thing that causes me to do other things. Alright. It's a responsibility. All I have to do is pick out what parts of the day I like, and compile it. That's all. Then maybe I'll get to those other things.

Agh, though, what if it actually does end up looking like some blog? Heh, well it doesn't matter. See, like I said. I'm not doing this for show. I'm not expecting anyone to watch. I'm trying to keep up with myself. All I need to know.. is that this can be considered a good thing to do. Or a right thing. I don't know. I'll give myself rest if I need it. This is stupid, though, talking about it. 2 am, somehow. Back to the other topic. Feels like I didn't even enjoy the day. Hah, I know I did, actually. Ok fine. Mood shifts, in the fall.

Let's watch.

Blister

First of all, I probably won't make it if my feet are the things trying to get me there. I applaud them, but it's my fault. I didn't think being barefoot in the city would actually do that much. Then, I guess I haven't acknowledged that the weather might be getting hot, soon.

So, I went to the Marietta graduation. A replica of last year's, I bet. This was Saturday, a full day. No idea how long ago it was, now. I went there, in a useless shirt, and watched. I took a peek at some folks, but I eventually hurried off to a pretty good breakfast. From there, I went to Grant's little graduation thing that "the proud mamas" put together. I was anxious because I had to leave there, even sooner than the other things. Still, after all of that, I was incredibly anxious about "some big party" that I was going to....

I can still feel it, though. Questions raised in the past year meeting circumstances and settings of this year, so far. Once I realized that I was all by myself, in this, I had no choice but to mention that it's another "this group doesn't make any sense." These people know each other, but they're not supposed to meet. I mean, I would love for everyone to meet, but not like this. People from this year, mentioning ironic folks to people who have been the subject of conversations for a long time. It may as well be selfish that that's what I'm focusing on. It's just that I feel that I was entirely alone. Especially because no one reacted to my outrage. You'd have to be dead in order to ignore outrage like that. I'm surprised the guy next to me, wasn't dead yet. I guess he just had to stick it out for my own personal season finale. I was really hoping it'd be a series finale, though. Too much for one period of time, maybe.

I must not mean what I am saying, here, but, it was right for it not to be a "party." It was what I came there for. It was answers. Of course, when you find out enough answers, the questions get scrambled. I guess both ends can't be tightened in one night. So, from there, I have to continue. I am sorry that, as a result, I refused to meet anybody new afterward. I just don't want some new person walking around throwing in some hidden ironies for me to collectively research. What does it matter, though? People buying houses? That's unheard of. People selling houses? That's going to begin to make my skin crawl.

What is the use? The longer people have to stare at your elbows, under your sleeve, the more they realize that you're only alive. Those people are there to lift, and their elbows are shame. I want my elbows to be seen from above, as under my arm.

Either way, I left that place feeling that stomach ache you get when you kind of watch a person die. I think I might have done exactly that. Watching, I mean. The last time I felt like that, I subsequently watched a car burning, casually. My only problem is the fact that everyone may just feel the same. All of the time. If anyone does react to anything, then they'd all have to. Except, I feel betrayed that people can repeat things that I am thinking but have no legitimacy in their presentation. By saying that, people know exactly what I mean. The ones that don't claim to be confused, of course. Still, if these are all repeated words, then why is there a flux between high and low? Must be nonsense.

I completely forget I have a family.

I guess you have to kind of be aware. You might have to be aware of the world spinning, of course. That theory. In addition to the fact that you have a throat that opens and closes every once in a while. You'll have to be aware of spiders hanging around, hunger, and that glass might be made of sand. Think about your spouse and children, whether or not you have them. Think about your friends, whether or not they exist. Then, think about how some people are 100% set on thinking about reproductive organs. All together, your thoughts will thank you, and you might get something. I don't know.

When I got home, I literally couldn't imagine doing anything but sitting and staring. How was it not the end? Alright. Not to mention the horrifying ironies that proved that is wasn't over. I mean, I might have to do something on the verge of a publicity stunt, just to prove some things for myself. That's the best way I could put it, for that moment.

I absolutely have to go.

Busy All Thimble

Hey, this is actual. Legitimacy, picked up once again! And right away, I have a bone to pick about that feeling in my throat! My throat is irritated! I can deal with that later. I was just eating carrots from the job. Yeah, today is the day we finally have the 'net in this ol' home.

Still cold, which is the last thing. Finally got the keys made. Finally back to using my old Pizza keychain. I'd like to say I was hungry, just for fun. Probably won't get the chance to have said this, but last night I finally paid for something with my debit card. How long has it been? Last update being the 15th of February. This being the first of March. I'd like to fill in that space..but that'll have to literally be what I will do. My latest wound has begun to grow tougher.

Oh yeah, but the actual today. I was up because my mom came home. She was telling me that the cable guy was here. Looking back, I realize how awkward she must have felt while having a guy working on something in your house. I woke up just not trusting what was going on. I didn't want the man to see me so they just put the other box in the other room. Lying in bed, I just kept on thinking about how, of all times, it would just be a shock for me to be my mom's son. I had never thought about my mom and me being different colors. Nothing negative, just one of those thoughts that sneak out of the closing door when you're waking up.

I kind of wanted to spend some time just kind of here, today but neh. It's the first of the month-hah- so my mom wanted to take me to withdraw my $400 from my account. Figured I'd go to the library then enjoy the rest of the day after that. Then, she explained that she had some things to do, so I just went with her. I took another pretty good shower and first we head to a Kroger in Atlanta. I wait in the car because she had to go in really quick to rotate some coffee displays. While waiting, I thought about how I might want some dressing for those carrots from work. I got out of the car and she was already walking out. She was with a friend who actually works there who she wanted me to meet. They talked while I just kind of stared. From where I was, two separate er logos.. on the front of two stores formed the word "EyeDentist." I figured that'd come up later. We were in the middle of people driving in and out but hey. Left, and went to the other side of town to a Best Buy. Pretended to sound interested in cameras and TVs. I wasn't expecting to get that album I had been listening to for that one part of February.

Eh. Got the money, post office before that, ended up only dropping off the library books, and got keys made. That was a today-day. A day that ended up being after yesterday. Pre-requisite. Hah, accomplish again. Making up fake quotes? Yeah, I'll figure it out.

Hope I don't get back problems.

Cold Supposed

Today is just generally a "cold" day. That's the basis. Other things are little sprouts from just the factor that it feels these temperatures when you're outside. It stings.

I woke up and I was having these dreams, kind of while I was waking up and then when I was awake. I don't know. I dreamt that I was at a combination of Woodpointe (apartments by the school, where Nick lives) and what is now called Madison at the Knolls (where I used to live.) I was having an internal debate on whether or not I should be trying to impress a certain point. It was already a situation where things would end up negative because of how things always go in the past, but when I didn't think about it- I was kind of impressive. Then, when I thought about it, I wasn't able to control what I was saying and then I had to keep making up for what I was saying. That's how my dreams are. Hah, that's that scheme of how all my old dreams used to be. Good to know I actually am back. Oh and there were breakfast burritos there, too. When I kind of woke up, I tried to focus on that dream for a while and I think I ended up falling into another dream that kind of continued it. My debate that I was having caused my to try to prove to everyone that I was having this debate, so I went as far as to take a bus for no reason. On the bus, there were some folks I had went to school with [now that I think about it, they might've been the ones I happened to see the last time I rode the bus.] and they were kind of shouting or something. I listened, and when I realized that I was on this bus for no reason, I tried to find the thing you pull to get off. I think I woke up.

Oh and before all of that, I think I had a pretty stressful dream. I don't know. I think I had a few. In that one way.

So, today. I made sure to get some sleep. I had a bunch. Had to bathroom, but I had to wait. Secret shop, 10 piece chicken er. Wrok. Brought back some frees. Tash brought me some DVDs. I'll be doing that before I sleep. A couple of shirry films, somewhat. One of them is actually an incredible idea. It should be in a list of mine, one day. This is all that's kind of going on in my life for this moment. I'd try to seize the day or the whole 'live like it is your last' stuff, but I'm not even sure. I guess I can't say I don't.

And yesterday, literally nothing to explain. I was so close to just posting a review about the new Fox series Past Life because I actually sat down to watch it. That's what I did, yesterday. Put more money in the bank, I think. So, I guess it adds up. The days, I mean.

Good Nigh

Nap

Just woke up, right quick. Ate that slice of carrot cake that I was trying to save room for. It's ok, though. Worked the bulk section. I was out of it, today. Self-esteem, kinda. Eh.

Actually, last night, I knew that at some point today my mood'd be altered by the fact that I'd become sleepy later on. Just sleepy, not the other mood alternators.

Activated debit card, two days off tomorrow and the day after. First weekend in a while, and it's not even on a weekend. I have somewhat of a little day planned for tomorrow, though. Nothing huge, but just a casual errand day. That I approve of.

Then, next Friday, I get to go to the aquarium. So, I'm good. Oh yeah, this one mad who gave the vibe of a stand-up comedian was talking to me today. Talking about health foods and giving off the aura of a confident worker. He must know a thing or two. Literally.

ok, plus I was probably subconsciously slipped the notion of wanting to eat lasagna for dinner tonight, now that I think about it. Alright, already ashamed of wasting space for today.

Heap.

Leisure Cout

yawn oh yeah, no. Another failed attempt to try to see that movie in theaters. Can't see why it isn't meant for me to see the movie, though. I think it's a money thing. I have the money. I may have even set aside the money to see this movie. Is it not the right time? Why would this movie, of all movies, only be at one theater and have only 2 obscure showing times. Seriously. It's like one of those plot devices. It's just there to kind of, fill the list of movies currently playing. Oh my god. Now it's not even playing anymore. Well, here goes a note to self. [Make sure that one day you get a private screening of 'that movie' in a theater.]

I'm not into just seeing movies. It's just this one that I was specifically trying to go see. So. Oh well. Imagine spending all that money on making a movie, specifically for the purpose of not letting anyone watch it. What is this, a Dear Diary type of deal? Anyway. Day off and did nothing completely worth while. Learned some and got some ideas, but not a jam-packed day.

The plan was to deposit my check, today. Decided to wait. Though, I did get my debit card in the mail along with a college brochure. Just two separate things in the mail on the same day. Tomorrow, I have work in the morning but it's grocery, so it's easier when associated with having to wake up early. I mean, morning + produce = 7:30 and tedious. The fact that I already know that.

So, I've decided on the basement, I think. I haven't told my mom I want the basement, but she said it didn't matter which room I chose. My only problem is that there'd just be an extra room upstairs and even if someone did move in with us, they'd have to share that bathroom with my mom. Haha. My plan is to kind of make a bedroom-studio thing, where one half- the closest to the closets and bathroom- would be the bedroom and the other half would be this studio idea I have. I hope I don't sound ridiculous, but at the expense of whoever, I can see exactly what I'd be doing. Like, when I have a day to myself, I can: wake up, shower [YES], teeth, and get right to work. And when ideas hit in the middle of the night.. well hey. Office, too, for a place to keep those big-ass notebooks that take up space all the time. Then just kind of pull all-nightons.

Basically, the same feeling of 'too-good-to-be-hey' but that's how I felt about being able to get the house back in the first place. Still, yeah, other people in mind. Actually, now that I mention it.. Ha, I was at Nick's house today. Fide had just taken a shower when I got there. Alex didn't say anything but she took a picture of me with her phone for the sake of posting it immediately. Nick mentioned something about "everyone thinking they're number one until about the age 23." One of those things I didn't want to take his word for, but I felt like if I was just ignoring something I happened to hear then I'd be fooling myself, yet if it holds true, then it probably means it doesn't matter if I so happened to hear it. Kind of welcoming another paradox, about now. Heh, feeling comfortable around paradox.

Oh and that's why I brought that up. That one tense conversation.. concept of "which one of us is going to buy houses for the others." Er, that's what I like to call it. That's how we all found each other, I believe. It all started when we died. Basically. Just how poor guy just "one day I'm gonna make it big and do something nice for all my friends." when you can tell he's.. in short... missing something. Something. Missing a certain concept that all people who have "made it" are aware of. Or missing the point of why you feel like you should do this in the first place. Or just missing the ability to feel the same way you did when you said that. Can't just "I'm not saying that's not me" or "Not saying I'm one of those." I just kind of like how it's a floating frustration. You state how you're going to make life better for your friends. And your friends just stare. Or, if one of them's in a specific bad mood, then you get a "you say that shir all the time." type of thing. I guess it has to happen when it happens. Now is the time where the hindsight proof of the future is being made. You know, to look back and "oh yeah TreadTreadTread was always the better one when it came to CradleCrabCredit."

I wouldn't look so hypocritical if everyone else wrote this type of crap, every day.

No Not Now

I actually have the right to say today was a bad day. I don't even remember the bulk of it, willingly. I went to... work... at 7:30 this morning. I was a little late or something but good God, what the hell? Where the hell did this come from? How the hell did I end up with a job? I was just sitting here, literally minding business of my own, and all at once I have an obligation to get up and go to work. Then, of course, the whole nation economy "should be glad to have job" thing. Well, in that case, it's the same situation as last year. I should be grateful about things? I'm incredibly grateful in my own way, but there are valid reasons not to be in the right light.

Ok fine, not allowed to complain or something. I did need someone to talk to, though. Too many things are caused by other folks' feelings, so even if I did get a response it's be like scattered because it's not exactly what was wanted to be said. Yeah, it would be. I would happen to hear exactly what I needed to hear. Or should I rely on that? I'm just not in the mood to work in a produce section in January 2010.. er February, mostly. So I went on my first ever lunch break of all time. Saw two people I knew. He was right. I was "trippin' " stumbling over everything I was doing, at that point because of my shock at the fact that here the hell I am.

That's about when I found out I wasn't even done. I did whatever else it was that I did, then I walked around aimlessly, putting off using the phone. I eventually called Nick because it's Friday, and I got him to get Alex to pick me up. I gave her the chocolate that my sister gave me, and we went to the high school. I went in by myself, and saw Fide in the hall. He was so clearly in a bad mood. He was in an 'everything pointless' somewhat mood. You can tell, at this point, that bad mood is in the air today. We went into Philosophy Club for a second, but he wasn't really up for it, so we just sat out and tried to find our own bit of meaning.

Then, the solitude broke, as the usual Friday happened. Alex was at the school, ready to pick us up to hang out with Igor. We got in the car, and she was crying again and that whole thing worked itself out. Then, I got anxious so I called my mom. I was going to call and mention that I was planning on going to Nico's but oh well, that's gone.

I actually dreaded coming back here, today. This morning was the absolute worst. "Make your bed" bull shit. Fuck that. And that's a valid point. I did not want to come back to this place of all places after a day of doing those things of all things. My time spent on this planet, or whatever. I'm worried. On the way here, I finally asked Tash why she had to go and set me up with this mess and I guess she did what she could to help. When we got here, I was not ready to back down after such a literally dreadful day. Ha, I dreaded each moment actually. I talked and I yelled and I complained, kicked and screamed basically, all the things you do when you feel trapped. A settlement was reached. After I noted the intricacies of these horrible personal living conditions, I gained an edge in the conversation. I listed all the minor details of being in this house, including: that disgusting feeling of the door knob to the pantry, the grime that I try to avoid getting under my fingernails when I open a cabinet, the limited showers, having to get offline at midnight, the internet cutting off when the phone rings.

I can't go into that right now. I'm not even sure I want to remember this. Imagine how disgusting hindsight of this place must be. Basically, any other ideas would be an escape plan. All I can think of would ultimately be described as the secret passage way. Not secret, though. Backdoor, again. If I become a full-time student (wait, what?) or get a better job offer, or if we just go ahead and move to the house in Alabama. All backdoor. The full-time student thing was just kind of pushed by the fact that I watched the writer-director commentary of a certain movie, last night. Made me realize that I don't necessarily have the means by which to do the whole 'pick up a camera and film' thing. I can try either way, but school would be the only way for me to try out the school concept.

I'll do some research. Right now, I'm just discontent.

Precautionary though

I'm full. Listening to MC MassMurder. Where is he, actually? January 14th, apparently. Now he's out somewhere. Hopefully soon, though.

Alright, I didn't want to wake up as early as I did. I got dressed and went to that job interview at my sister's job. It was incredibly easy going, and I guess I became more optimistic about it at one point. It wasn't really an interview type of interview until later, though. That's when it got kind of aggravating, I guess. The worst thing is that ringing sound. Hopefully, I won't be near it. Eh. No, "ugh" actually.

After that, I opened up a checking account. Put in that $100 I was secretive about, on Tuesday. The bank on the square. We left, and I was just kind of down in the dumps or whatever. Not in a good mood. Like, a human type of 'bad mood' that you can say "aw cheer up" to. Just morose, or whatever. My iPod shuffled in order to basically tell me to cheer up. Well, oh well. I can a appreciate a bad mood, once in a while.

So, tomorrow I come in to work, basically at 7:30. I'm supposed to learn how to open. Oop. Hopefully some good will come out of is.

Today.

End of the Woro.

Alright, so I think I'm letting one trait of mine take over the rest instead of balancing it out? I've just been talking in 'life LIFE LIFE LIFE' terms. Just the ability to say "life." Ah, but to grow disgust in the ability to say words is the calling card of a cynic, kind of. In this case, it is.

We're just kind of debating the ability to be incredibly aware of the infinite amount of things without just completely losing all humanity. I don't mind. I'll disagree again later on, I'm sure.

Anyway, I could say nothing happened today. Just an incredible amount of detail that echo against other days. Or the other way around. How today and yesterday involved Chili Peps and Bittersweet Symphony. Hm, this morning seems like a long time ago because of the whole "bad rap music videos that went viral" thing. I guess that double-date went fine. I request no detail.

I talked to Grant, and we finally discussed the whole tension about all those pictures that come up, basically. No progress, probably. Anyway, I did the first step in pitching the idea of having that next 'secret' Cool Winners show at Kennesaw Mountain, as a picnic deal. I wanted to do another Graivdiggo when I was in a good mood earlier. Then I combined that with that confidential idea, which I just remembered was confidential in the first place. Not really confidential, I'll hint to it.

Then, moments later, my mood changed for the day. Ha, horoscope. I found out that Tash had gotten me a job interview at Life Grocery, tomorrow. I applied last year, and I'm actually kind of "bummed" because I actually took the time time yesterday to apply at two different places I would like to work at specifically because of the fact that they sell DVD's and music. In parallel to the last couple of conversations I've had today, I guess it'd be hypocritical of me to excitingly answer those "strongly agree" questions in those applications last night and then to just feel differently about how I'd act in a work place just because I'd have to be around vegetables instead of movies and music. Barely hypocritical, they're different things! It would be valid of me to have an entirely different appearance just because the scenery has changed.

Then of course, what I mean. Started off with the "cynicism" motif, then moved on to 'quotes' and on to just plain words. All kind of a cycle. Just be ready to explain. And repeat.

Amazing sandwiches today, though.

Greedy, kinda.

Well, I've been planning how I'm going to omit the highlight of my day for a while. Today was at least not one to be overlooked, I guess. Same as yesterday, I woke up and went straight to the mall (instead of the airport.) Yeah, but I did eat pancakes, though. I was laughing all the way back from the mall, too. I guess it was a genuine example of the feeling of 'joy.'

Whoa forgot this was going on. But yeah, on the way back I picked up my stuff from Nick's car. I'm missing the black t-shirt from my bag. I caught them as they were leaving to go on a "double date." Feels like amoebas. Hm, Buzz Lightyear.

I guess I actually did nothing, then. Today was probably just a catalyst for things to come. Last thing I did on the internet, last night was read about that whole film noir thing that I realize I know a thing or one about. Hah.

Retire

Hey, how's it goin'. I feel pretty beat. Actually hesitated when I wanted to say "pooped" in my own personal thing. That's even worse.

Ok, tonight was when Tasha's uncle Mickey came to visit. Went to thrift stores and wal-mart. Ate food, and Chaz came by.

I woke at Hank's house this morning, and I got a peanut butter and jelly smoothie. It's ok, it was breakfast. I actually haven't had appetite.

I've actually been kind of dismissive and tuned out for the majority of today. Kind of hard to snap out of it and live the moments once you've decided what's wrong with the picture. The longer the day is, the more people it could accommodate- but it doesn't. Short days happen when there's a lot of people.

I hadn't been makin' promises. So, good.

Hint

I am just now realizing that today was supposed to be a bad day. Oops. Well, it started off pretty action-packed though. Yeah I see it, know. Ha, the prototypical 'bad' things happened today, and I just kind of ignored them. Not really 'bad' things, but tiny yet negative enough to just accept its existence without it hitting any soft spots things. My throat feels constrictive right now. I'm supposed to eat bad tomorrow, though. Not my fault.

I guess today didn't have the same thing as yesterday. It's wednesday, too. Wait. Ha, it's wednesday. One of those weeks where a certain person starts appearing all over again. Plus since today was planned to be a 'bad' day, then some things might have been domino-effected into the weekend. I'm prepared, though. I'm just ready to get the hell out. So, if I'm doing this daily routine I need to keep my parascope goin' or sendzone.

Kind of the edge of a cliff type of thing. Oh yeah, I was supposed to look up some things. Maybe that will be my productivity for today. Gah I sound like a class of 2011er. Even if the specifics are renegade.

Paces Ferry.

Firework Mistakes.

Ok cool, I get to tell how New Year's went.

It starts on the night before New Year's Eve. Nothing happened, but I did just kind of pick up this composition book that I had been waiting to steal. I tried to write down this topic that had finally manifested itself in the last month of the year. That whole flip flop between trust and buying houses for your friends.

Then, I slept because I guess that last part was close to irrelevant. I woke up and kind of hid in the room I was sleeping because there were people talking. I was treated to breakfast, met up with Nick and Alex. All of us, excluding Alex, went back to Hank's and kind of recharged or whatever for the night ahead. My intention was to at least take a shower and kind of freshen up, hell, so I could impress some folks. Did that, I guess, and spent a lot of the time I was there looking through a 2006 yearbook, which was my freshman year actually. I also helped with the unclogging of this lint filter on the side of Hank's house. I don't know how much time we spent there, but when it got dark we had three pizzas. Oh man. Then, how Hank eats chicken wings.

Night began. Alex picked Nick and I up, I had to run back in to get my jackets and dress shirt. She brought a pizza box from her house. We went to Nick's house so Nick could get a shower while Alex and I went to the other Alex's house so that they could go over some blood money. We went back to Nicks, picked him up and they had to go to the bank. They were going to go to that other party, so it was decided that I'd wait at Kroger for the Briana party to start at 9:30.

At the store, I talked to Andrew for about 20 minutes to pass time. Then, I left and went to my favorite bathroom to stall some more. Stared at myself in the mirror, and shaved. Ha. Then, I started to walk toward the party. I crossed the empty street, and when I ran, money fell out of my pockets. Some change, I mean. I picked some of it up, but that's when the cars decided to show up. Right as I got near the high school, I remember I was kind of talking to myself trying to explain "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers" to myself when someone called my name. Surprise. Turned around to see Bryttne, who I went to school with, and her mom looking for the same party. Luckily, I know where it is, so I hopped in and we showed up. It was odd because I was invited, but I didn't see the invitation so I didn't know if I missed anything. I was literally there for like 30 minutes kind of on edge as usual, until Nick and Alex came back to pick me up to go to the Buy Wag party. Oh man, these guys again. Not really. It was 10 o clock and it took us 27 minutes to get there. We saw Hank leaving as soon as we got there.

I hesitated to walk in because it was just flashbacks of went down here, last time. We went in fine, and as soon as I made it to the living room I hear bunches of people excited to see me for some reason. I was humble about it since I was kind of freaking out about the place anyway. On one side, I would have wanted to stay since I got such a welcoming but hell, this place is this place. So we left after about 10 minutes. All of us went back to the Briana party, where I had decided I wanted to be there when the year changed. Me and Nick sat and ate their "puppy chow" mostly. Then, he and Alex left there after a while. I was pretty good by that time so it was all alright. I got tiny, yet valuable, pieces of praise when I was there. Man named Scott said I posted awesome statuses on the old facebarn. The man from Slumdog Millionaire said I looked enough like Jacob from the Twilight movies. A Michael complimented my videos. Another man named Michael. I know them both, of course, but in this case, they're Michaels. Harry was there for some reason, and I didn't recognize him at first. I got Robert Smith's hat. Then, they fire works. I mean, somewhere in there was when we moved to the living room to do the countdown.

Later on of course, I got anxious again, so I used Vinisha's phone to send Nick a message, asking where he was. He was already at the party Justin had put together. Ha, have to explain that later, too. Still with the phone, I walked into the hall to call Hank to see if he would still pick me up and take me either back to Buy Men, or to Justin's. Right when I got him to figure out that it was me, Briana's dad walked by me and grabbed the phone from my hand and starting shouting things into it. First time feeling that uneasy this year. I got the phone back to find out that Hank had already gotten settled for the night. Then I remembered. Bryttne's mom had said "if you see her leaving at about 1 o clock, then you can hop in and get a ride" or something. Gah, so I actually did. Then, I went to Justin's.

I showed up. One of these nights from the week before, basically. Hugged. Walked right to the kitchen to get a drink because I was kind of done for the night. Then Jessica came and made it clear that she wasn't 100% comfortable there and she left after a bit. Made sense. I remember feeling this sensation of how I was slowly becoming what everybody else was and comparing it to how it must feel to...become a.. eh whatever. Then, Chase approached me and kind of advised me that I should start trying to get girls or something. It was a surprisingly decent conversation, but I couldn't really explain it the same way it happened. As the topic turned into 'torrents,' Denzel was there, and he kind of just stood and kept his distance from the other folks at the party and he talked to me for a second.

One thing I find about this year so far, is that I can just talk to people for some reason. Don't let anybody tell you that the New Year isn't significant.

Although I tried to drag the party outside in homage to New Year's 2008, the night just kind of ended indoors, and I just kind of kept to myself from then on. The next morning, who knows what. All that was going to happen was that Justin was being taken back to the airport. Early enough, there had been some pictures from the night posted. Everyone kind of left, but Justin and I were still there waiting on "Aunt" Christine and James to get ready to go to the airport. When they were ready, Justin asked to see Mr. K one last time before he left. So, that was it for Justin. I was the last one of his friends to talk to him, I suppose. Last thing he told me was "ras." Appropriate, though.

James and Christine went ahead to buy me a thing from Taco Bell before dropping me off at the square, as I requested. No such thing in coincidences these days. I was compelled to walk into ol' Cool Beans, for warmth and bathroom. I never walk into that place. I walked through, pretended not to see them, and went to the bathroom and talked to myself for a second. Walked back out and oh there was them two from Buy Wag last night. Ha. Talked to them for like an hour, as Cool Beans actually closed early or somethin. They left, and I walked to Waffle House righ quick. Called Alex and she came and got me, and besides the fact that my sister came and got me from Nick's, I guess that's the end. Heh.

Then I came back here, and finally decided on my resolutions. There was a point to this, I suppose.