Dice

Ok, good. Good, right? Well yeah besides the poverty, pain, and sickness! Aha See, that's always the case. Because "evil" is always imaginary. Yeah, I've been moving on to saying "aha" lately. Take on me. But I've been either busy or more optimistic lately or something, I don't know.
Writing about it is probably what'll ruin it. No, but stuff has been collecting. I mean, yeah there are some prototypical "bad" things looming around but hell. The will always negates defeat.

Yeah I'm sick, but it's fine, really. We just got word that our "brain camp" thing will be taking place on January 29th! That means that I'll be, at the very least, marketing. It'll be good, and hopefully Cool Winners can perform. Going to have to remind myself... nah.. I was thinking I'd need that audio cable to connect a laptop to the speakers but nah.

College.

I guess I also edited 3 videos today but that's just what somebody who is talking about themselves would say. It won't really matter. So, you know. Ha. Hah. I'm getting visions of my future, finally. I'd better harness that crap while the getting is still good. I'll let you know. Other than that... well, I still feel busy. Just wrote a Christmas special. Terrible.

I'll holla (th

Trouble

Well, I don't know. I'm getting a sense of "offended". I am somewhere in this thing about.. I don't know. You know how I am. I end up talking about junk like "universes" and stuff. Of course the only remedy is to be in what you call the "real world" and just get into some trouble. Apparently, these are called "reality checks". They're actually pretty stupid, but I'll bite. Last night, yeah, I was in the "real" world, just kind of being forced into a bad situation that I somehow apparently got myself into. Stupid. Any serious situation is actually just stupid, at this point. What is this.. "desensitized"? Well, like I had kind of tried to say before... there's got to be a difference between desensitized and just thinking a lot more than feeling in certain situations.

Ok, I won't really ever claim to be "wrong," but just imagine having an internal conflict where the only goal is to prove that whatever I did was right. This situation kind of applies to a lot, I guess. Kind of seems to be my ultimate lesson this year. Goes something like.. Trying to make things right before "it's too late" can probably only make things get worse.. or at least more "wrong". I, in respect for myself, just can't necessarily allow someone to tell me I'm wrong. It's just.. not the right type of thing to be told. Then, it feels like I'm doing a whole lot of good things in order to sort of "save up" for one 'bad' thing. There's no telling. There's no right opinion.

Eh. I know I'm just listing a bunch of iceberg tips worth of topics, but it's all I can do. I have this notebook, that I call my Sort this $#!* out book. You know. Ugh. I know. I just feel as though, reality or not, I need to sort out my "universes". I know that me even talking about stuff like that is only a phase, but maybe it's what I need to do right now. I guess this counts as my "trial and error" type of thing. Where I actually do try things, and find out how it doesn't work. Actually, one thing about last night... What about situations where I actually don't think before I speak. Ha because that was my only fault. Saying something. Admitting, basically. Still, it's like a rare thing. I'm not one to say things that end up making things wrong. That's whats odd. One of those things that really make you into a kook. Convincing yourself that deus ex machina is goin' on.. except opposite. Eh. Well, I mean. At this point, the one thing I'd like to make right is that I am not, nor will I ever be, considered a "bad friend" or "not a friend". No.

Ok, whatever. I don't deserve to be embarrassed, therefore, I won't be. I'm fine, I'm good.

Before I Hurl

Oh boy. ha. "Oh boy".

Ohh boy. literally responding with "oh boy" to each thing I see, at this moment. Brain overloaded for a moment. Same as last week. Remedy is to stay up, writing junk. Last time, I came up with some ridiculous graphic organizer about how the same story can be told in an endless amount of ways. Because I'm thinking about some absurdities, but I'm getting worn out because they're all also good ideas.

Ok. I need to sit. Lay. I need to run somewhere, fast!

Before I h-

Might As Well

Alright, then.
I guess the actual thing that's on my mind (after erasing a couple of sentences) is the whole thought of.. er. 'if you only had ___ to live' and stuff like that. I mean. I don't know how I am with that. I guess I've been waiting for me to finally figure out what it means to me. You know, kind of like when you've known of a certain famous person all of your life, but you're just not ready to know about him or her? More like when you hear a 'fact of life' or someone's motto and you've always thought that you knew what it meant.. Hell, I guess now is the time I finally delve into 'you only live once'. I guess knowing that I'm going to make it in the end isn't enough, right now. It's like I'm kind of preparing for the day where I find out I only have one day left. I guess I don't know enough of the world for me to find out about a last thing that I can do right now. Anything I'd want to do anytime soon, I'd rather just see develop. Not the process, just ugh. Processes make me run away, actually. So, no. Like, I know how easy everything is- within reason.

Honestly. It still confuses me. Yeah, I realized that I can actually get "confused". I guess I have to just look at it how it is.. "one day to live". Well, I could be breathing mold right now and that's deadly. I might, honestly, pass away soon. Unexpectedly. How much should I worry, thinking that I might actually just expire within months? It doesn't really bother me a whole lot, until I think about all the stuff they'd find in my notebooks and other writings. Ha, really, I'm just thinking about the many people who already have no idea what to make of the things I have had to say. That's a whole other story, maybe. I don't claim to be misunderstood or nothin'.

Ok screw it. "Current mood: Embarrassed.. Mortified.." I don't know. It doesn't matter what causes these things and how I resolve them or could have resolved them. I know that there's got to be a point where you can literally just redeem yourself. I shouldn't just take several tiny, yet huge, embarrassing moments and just say "ok, I'll just make jokes or movies about them so they won't be so horrifying to remember." I really, really have got to talk to these people about these ambiguous moments. I've got to find out, or let them find out, what can be reasonable in these situations. Of course, I won't be able to track down other folks, but if the things have just happened.. then I should say something. How can you really just be honest when it comes to people who.. matter? Really, on that note, how does one really at least try to get someone to do what's right? Wow. In a way, once again, it feels like heh being a puppeteer, for lack of better metaphors. Then after thinking, it's back to how I felt before the summer. Where several people are making me up. I'm several peoples' puppet? Nah, whatever, that's all stupid. This is stupid. Really stupid, all of it. This is actually just very stupid, and I couldn't be having a better time talking about how stupid this actually is.

I'm typing. What in the hell could that attribute to me doing what I want to do? I'm holding back, by the way. A lot. Because I have additional ideas, that aren't able to just be typed. They're the things that you see after you read this that's kind of "oh, that must be what caused him to do this'. Stupid. I've been losing brainpower, recently. That can literally, literally mean few things. Willful loss of brain? Me? No, actually, never. Ha.

This is awful. Nothing's awful, just this is awful. I know a person who just did the stupidest thing I can think of. I know him. Heh, to say the least. I know a person who has actually given up on things that they just "don't see happening". I know a couple of folks who just won't do things, and seem to wonder why they have to continue with their regular lives. I know a guy who I know I can't fully trust, but I really don't even care. Yet, I instinctively care. I know someone who literally will not make sense to me at all. That's what I know right now. That must be what's on my mind. This is ridiculous. All over the place. Where have I been? How do I know I haven't had this same mind-state before? This is probably how I felt, back in January, where I had not previously been "typing".

All year, I've had one set of things on my mind. I didn't say a word. Thought I said something, but no. Now, I've come back from Chicago, uttering quotes that I didn't think I'd remember. Now I'm back in a business-man state of mind. Now I'm trying to "network". That conflicts with everything I was, most of this year.

I think the wind is right.. something's in proper alignment ONLY for me to be able to safely say.. "I'm confused." And since context has to be an issue, it's literally just thoughts about real life. Real. Real. Real. Life. Li-li-life life. NOT the "real world" that older people warn you about. That's still nonsense. Alright, fine. I am unable to cope with the embarrassment, practically because I'm not talking about it. So, no use.

Also, I am unable to go from this to doing what I want about "one life to live" stuff. It wouldn't work. I'll still try. But really. "Being alive is so weird."

Ignore

Yeah, Let's try to ignore the void of what happened in the past month and a half. I mean, what I really have to say about it is scattered across whatever the heck it is that got in my way since then. Really, all I'd normally be saying right about now is some garbage about all the interesting quotes I had heard my family say while I was in Chicago. All the phrases that somehow end up echoing through other people. I'd be telling of how I'm trying to apply most of it to my life. Then, here, I'd mention that the most important piece of advice I had heard was just the word "chew". Well, no. I really can't go into detail about that just yet because I've already had that conversation with each of my friends. One of them, at least, that I can visualize right now.

I suppose what is now "in" is just what I've been trying to workout with the people around me. Er. See, I can talk about this just because it's about what I've been talking about with friends of mine, rather than the same old stuff I've been repeating to them all week. I know it to be true, that I've said "photoshoot" almost too many times, in the past few days. I've always noted the rule of etiquette..or just social behavior.. that goes something like "if you find yourself telling the same stories, more than once..". Not sure. I guess the rule is not to become boring by only having one thing going on in your life. Ouch. Still, I realize that none of my friends are actually thoroughly talking to each other, so I feel as though I am circulating and refreshing the things they have to say about...our latest..plan. Right. That's a mystery. Yeah, we're really trying to get some type of a ball rolling on our.. you know.. ugh.. entertainment careers. Sorry. It's just the type of thing that it hurts to talk about unless it's already actually working.

Ironically enough, this all probably does lead to some of that Chicago advice. Like I am reluctantly going to repeat, I wanted to come back to Georgia and "hit the ground running". Agh. Still, I shouldn't be ashamed in the least. I did just that. Hm, I mean, I guess I did run that day. No, no. Eventually I did have somewhat of a business meeting. Two, kind of, but eh. So, what.. This business lunch kind of reminded me of what the live Cool Winners show really did. What any of our old stuff did. It just built up and, you know. The more stuff that people can simply access daily, the more they'll want to see you on rarer occasions. Er, in this case, mostly. Obviously, at this point I'm not going to give away the specifics of what the meeting was about, but trust me. No, though, it made me realize some ideas about promotion and stuff like that. I guess the other meeting I sort of had kind of helped, too.

So, that's how it slowly developed. As I looked at my phone's messages to realize that I had almost had no conversations throughout one of these weeks, I knew I had to put my foot down. I started barking out ideas, to as many folks as would listen. Became a merry-having gone-round. As I discussed with Fide, we are building a network. Ah, see. You'll see. I'm kind of done for this moment in time. Attention span. Ah well.

Wild

It's actually very astonishing. I can... speak volumes, I'm sure, and not even once mention anything in my life that might involve.. well you know, the personal stuff. What happened to the public-personal relationship I was headed for? Er, you know, nothing secret. Well nothing is secret, I guess, is the problem. Yeah, actually. I guess if you're not going to have secrets, you had better not want to have secrets. Fine. I guess I have "secrets". Fine. I guess I am regular. Whoa.

So, you're saying... not being outstanding was just a way to hold off until you were allowed to be outstanding? No good. You can't necessarily dig yourself out of that. Quick, be outstanding! Hold on. See? Hesitation. I guess you have to be in a realm of past and present in terms of completing... goals.

Though. The problem cannot be a question of whether or not I am outstanding. Of course.. I'm apparently "esoteric". Of course I had to look it up. Known by a select few, right? A select few are able to see me as outstanding. On top of that few, are the ones who are interested. They give up, easily. The majority give up, instantly. So, when I'm ready.. fine.

I should definitely stop with the delusions, though. I should either get someone to listen to all of it, or hell. Someone needs to be able to listen, without jumping to conclusions. I know for fact that it makes a great story, but I... There was something that was on tv... oh yeah.. that woman who can talk backwards.. She didn't know that it wasn't "normal" until it came up, one day. That's what I want to see. I want to see if my stories sound familiar. Hm. He's torn.

Other than that, yeah. Career changes. I need to cool down. May need to travel. Imagine how good it'd be to see very unfamiliar people, who can know nothing of your previous travels. As if you'd tell them. To think.. a change of scenery and all of this could have just been some dream. Hah. You've been escaped, all along! Agh, but not for long. Eventually someone is going to ask you to speak up. There's something to you. So, you say almost too little.. and it get's everybody all panicky. Damn it.

Again.


Oh. Dream. Yeah, after I had trouble getting to sleep, after shouting the word "chemicals" over and over again... I dreamt that I was driving. I was driving and I was the only one to see a flaming white helicopter coming close to the ground. Right next to where that Chic-Fil-A billboard would be, over the bridge. I guess because I was the only one who could see it, I was the only one who could maintain myself on the road. Huge disaster. Cars freaking out, me going steady. Eventually, I end up at some... safe house or party... I think I talked to a bunch of people about it, and I tried to let everyone know that I was the only one to actually see it happen. Not sure if a lot of the folks cared. Fine, though. The house was kind of like how you can imagine the rest of the house from Married With Children to look. Regular young guy with medium brown hair, holding a drink. Heh. Something else good happened, but still... I never have dreams with fire or destruction. I knew I'd dream though. Another 'pro' to a horrible thing.

Then, I think I visited Justin, somehow. He was just on a hotel bed. On the phone. That's kind of all. Not sure. Hah. I never really see folks like that, in dreams. Well, see. Not Justin, at least. Makes me want to dream of my other cast of characters. Ah well.

Ohhh yeah. I remember waking up and describing my "perfect girl" for some reason. I actually sat up, and counted specific qualities with my fingers.. It was, of course, a delusional type of specific. Delusional specifics. Like how also before sleeping, I thought of a "spectrum of vulgarity". In addition to a "roulette of..." I don't think I finished that one. One of those last thoughts before bed, where you sum up the world for the night. Never lasts.

Well.

Alliance

Brain activity. Let's try for it.
I'm noticing. The common theme for this episode seems to be the whole "escape from reality" thing. Hm. You could convince yourself that it's always the common theme. I assure you, it's not.

The people who end up looking for escapes always end up looking for escapes. Variation, at the very least. People do, unfortunately, look to me for an escape. I don't tell them, but I let them know that there's just about nothing I can do.

At the risk of situational hypocrisy, I won't admit anything else. I'm just formulating different ways to consider yourself "escaped".

"Alright, you can visit my imagination, but it's gonna cost you... the ultimate sacrifice.. :/" Implying that, if you go, you have to stay. Either that, or you can visit now, but your previous afterlife choices are now void.

Ah well.

Souls

Just any given demon woman putting you to sleep for about 13 hours.

That one dream I wrote about actually ended up happening. Well, it would have if I would have had a dvd player downstairs.. Until yesterday, I was stuck in June 21st: the day after my birthday.

For my birthday, I fell asleep at maybe 5 am, again. I was trying out a new medication, honestly. I did it wrong, so it was whatever. Woke up with a headache, but it was a decent headache. I walked out to see all that had been prepared for my celebration. Stuff set up, out back. I remember being on the lawn swing chair thing for a while. Then Grant came over and family came over.

Of course, I told them lies about work and college. I can't handle things. No one even knows that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Exactly. Contradiction. Crap, that reminds me.

There was a mid point. Then, it picked up as the family left and my guests arrived. Nerve-wracking. Er, thought so. You know what, though? It ended up beautifully. Literally, a beautiful day. The day people only give you when you're on your death bed. Oh well.

Justin even told me that the conversation we had when it was all over was just the happiest he's ever heard me. Heh. Still, I feel much like a failure in that area. It's ok. I just wanted to achieve some type of exit strategy for people like me. The failure of such a thing can literally only attribute to a life in the grind. Life in the grind. It's sacred.

Then, I lost track for a couple of days. Yeah, I celebrated Nick's birthday, but that was kind of what I had been doing the week before. When I tried to go back into the world that I was trying to kind of take hold of before, I literally set myself up for disappointment. So, last night I felt the exact opposite of how I did when my birthday was over.

I mean at least then, there was a chance of folks doing anything. Last night, it was just everything with every reason to be horrifying. Everyone is just so inaccessible. Anyone who can help just can not help. I literally have to hide from family, for a couple of reasons. I mean, I know who to trust with any situation, but they're scary monsters at this moment. Really, what I'm saying is that I had this devastating realization about females, again.

I really feel that they're monsters. I really feel that they're the ones who only want one thing. I heard my mom and her friend come in, and I heard them talk all night. They didn't know I was home, in my room, asleep that early. It was the most demonic thing I had ever heard. Complaining and coming up with people to blame problems on. There is no need a person will ever have to cause someone to talk about a thermostat the way my mom did last night. Our poor dog was right in the line of fire. His crying for her attention just says it all. Women are these things that are on some crazed mission. They're scouting out the world, for what they want. No one can enter this planet without something that a woman has done. I mean it. They birth men and more women, take care of animals, all so that we can beg for more. How can a thing be so evil by doing so many good things? It is corruption.

That was the thing. Notice I said I was asleep, well- in bed, early? All of this is the kind of thing that makes you lose faith in the entire universe-- or at least an entire universe of things. The only thing you can do is try to fall asleep. That's probably the only way to escape. Of course, since it comes to mind, death won't be a way to escape this type of universe. Death is actually a part of it. All that can be done is several, temporary escapes.

Well, who could this all be directed from? The source of this type of realization? Don't worry about it. Even me writing anything is actually just a dormant sacrificial animal that I give up in order to flag down some woman's appreciation. That's something I studied from them, firsthand. Any mention of long-term "sustaining from doing a certain thing" is actually just a dormant begging of doing so.

So, you can see I know that there's nothing I can do, so far. I'm not completely irate with anyone, and the only thing I can expand upon is myself and what I'm thinking. I just got the "tower" card. What Tupac said, too. I just have to keep an eye out for myself. These people might just be aiming to hurt, but hey why not?

Ok, eject please.

An Entire Year

It has been a year since we had performed on stage. Our own show. An amazing accomplishment, really. How ridiculous. Cool Winners and MC MassMurder. What a difference between then and now.

Agh, what a disappointment. We haven't made the same efforts to try to do it, again. Fide won't even be here to watch, or film, the next one. He can't stand around and solicit the dvd with the old "excuse me, sir. would you like to buy a dvd of tonight's performance?" That was one part of one of the plans.

Today, once again, I've gotten to that point where I realize that we have done nothing. I mean, last night, I finally got to hang out with Matthew. He always ends up being a rare find. He always ends up being that breath of fresh air. After talking, I remember, of course. We're all just... all of us. You can tell.

Well, what is keeping us from just being that thing? What is it that we're trying to be? I actually convinced myself that there's twelve others because of that movie. I should shake that one off, though. And why is it impossible to get each of us in the same room? We must be sort of cowardly, then. We do all of these things, and if not, then we still.. agh. Ok, fine, the one other thing is that same force that forces us not to even promote ourselves correctly. It must be that same force that causes me not to impress.

Whatever. I just wish that I could actually manifest what the heck I see things as. It's all just some fable. Feels kind of blind, though.

He

Blister

First of all, I probably won't make it if my feet are the things trying to get me there. I applaud them, but it's my fault. I didn't think being barefoot in the city would actually do that much. Then, I guess I haven't acknowledged that the weather might be getting hot, soon.

So, I went to the Marietta graduation. A replica of last year's, I bet. This was Saturday, a full day. No idea how long ago it was, now. I went there, in a useless shirt, and watched. I took a peek at some folks, but I eventually hurried off to a pretty good breakfast. From there, I went to Grant's little graduation thing that "the proud mamas" put together. I was anxious because I had to leave there, even sooner than the other things. Still, after all of that, I was incredibly anxious about "some big party" that I was going to....

I can still feel it, though. Questions raised in the past year meeting circumstances and settings of this year, so far. Once I realized that I was all by myself, in this, I had no choice but to mention that it's another "this group doesn't make any sense." These people know each other, but they're not supposed to meet. I mean, I would love for everyone to meet, but not like this. People from this year, mentioning ironic folks to people who have been the subject of conversations for a long time. It may as well be selfish that that's what I'm focusing on. It's just that I feel that I was entirely alone. Especially because no one reacted to my outrage. You'd have to be dead in order to ignore outrage like that. I'm surprised the guy next to me, wasn't dead yet. I guess he just had to stick it out for my own personal season finale. I was really hoping it'd be a series finale, though. Too much for one period of time, maybe.

I must not mean what I am saying, here, but, it was right for it not to be a "party." It was what I came there for. It was answers. Of course, when you find out enough answers, the questions get scrambled. I guess both ends can't be tightened in one night. So, from there, I have to continue. I am sorry that, as a result, I refused to meet anybody new afterward. I just don't want some new person walking around throwing in some hidden ironies for me to collectively research. What does it matter, though? People buying houses? That's unheard of. People selling houses? That's going to begin to make my skin crawl.

What is the use? The longer people have to stare at your elbows, under your sleeve, the more they realize that you're only alive. Those people are there to lift, and their elbows are shame. I want my elbows to be seen from above, as under my arm.

Either way, I left that place feeling that stomach ache you get when you kind of watch a person die. I think I might have done exactly that. Watching, I mean. The last time I felt like that, I subsequently watched a car burning, casually. My only problem is the fact that everyone may just feel the same. All of the time. If anyone does react to anything, then they'd all have to. Except, I feel betrayed that people can repeat things that I am thinking but have no legitimacy in their presentation. By saying that, people know exactly what I mean. The ones that don't claim to be confused, of course. Still, if these are all repeated words, then why is there a flux between high and low? Must be nonsense.

I completely forget I have a family.

I guess you have to kind of be aware. You might have to be aware of the world spinning, of course. That theory. In addition to the fact that you have a throat that opens and closes every once in a while. You'll have to be aware of spiders hanging around, hunger, and that glass might be made of sand. Think about your spouse and children, whether or not you have them. Think about your friends, whether or not they exist. Then, think about how some people are 100% set on thinking about reproductive organs. All together, your thoughts will thank you, and you might get something. I don't know.

When I got home, I literally couldn't imagine doing anything but sitting and staring. How was it not the end? Alright. Not to mention the horrifying ironies that proved that is wasn't over. I mean, I might have to do something on the verge of a publicity stunt, just to prove some things for myself. That's the best way I could put it, for that moment.

I absolutely have to go.

Praise

To be honest, my sense of self.
I'm sort of believing that there were some points where I did change who I was. I just didn't necessarily agree with that plausibility. I don't want to say that I change who I am everyday, every hour, or more likely- by the year. Plus my sense of self may actually be "inflating." I'm actually not showing any signs of narcissism, so this must just be encouragement. Sounds like people want me to move forward. Good because once it's televised, someone else can point out whether or not I change by the season.

It also makes me blatantly dread "work." Nah, I can't tell anyone that I work. I can't tell anyone what I think about college. My standards is what keeps me away from college. Generally, it's just that I can't find a school that's good enough for me, at this point. That's what it sounds like. Under that, the reasoning is that I wasn't really singled out in high school just because I did sort of have too much of a high standard for.. not sure I remember what I told myself earlier. Still, it made sense that I was more of a "perfectionist" on the way out. Leaving was just some fire exit. Now I think I'd kind of... "make school my bitch" as it goes. There's the problem. One of them. I was too good to do what I had to do to set myself up for college, and now I'm too good to take baby steps. Well, I shouldn't punish myself with these words. I was "too good" because I shouldn't have been responsible for that whole 3-year long stint I had with geometry. I'm sorry, but Geometry in my life is absolutely absurd. Aneurysm worthy. It's a great form of math, I know- it's technically right up my alley, but it's literally someone sticking their leg out for me to fall right on my nose. Clearly fate. I know that I know Geometry. Well, in all honesty- all honesty, old female teachers will not teach me math.

What I mean is that I couldn't just make up for the time I missed while the rest of my class sat back and said "yeah, dude." Actually. Odd history between math and I. Still, I was too good to spend time out of school to make up for something that will not be my fault. As a result, I have not taken my SATs. I still have no idea what grades I left school with. Oh my god. Horror in realizing that the only time I've explained that was in my job interview. "Yeah, I was pretty good in school." Eh ok that's enough. I was just unaware of what grades really were until 11th grade. I'm just not sure what all this says about me. Not bad, really.

ok. It's true, I may be giving away all the mystery of what once was "the famous 'Pito'" but if someone is doing that much research, then the word "famous" can't really fade. I don't mean insults.. it can't really sound like that. Still, the mystery doesn't lie in the everyday reality.. Actually it might. Nevermind. Still- glad someone knows that I "need to get out of this place." The anonymous "place." I know it won't mean this house, specifically, but I appreciate the concern. I lack aggression, therefore I owe it to some folks to get out of here. I'm already halfway done. I suppose that's why health can't matter much, anymore. All that anyone is waiting for, is for one of those people who care to actually be themselves multiplied. An agreement is what will give me who's I am.

Sort of brings to mind another example of high standards. Also another reason I am cautious of college. I'll start out by explaining how I wouldn't want to get any book published by some publishing company. I'm referring to Justin's situation with Charlie D. I am almost afraid to see him get published in that horrifying way. Some company, "yeah some writer wrote some stuff, he'll make us some dollars." Record labels, talent scouts, college, skateboarding... teams? I get the illusion that I'm holding the string of a balloon, but the balloon is actually just a big sack of meat. A whale, caught in some net. Other people have to give us a boost. That's the rule. Kind of like my mom's fear of being under things (ie airplanes, bridges). That's why I've been giving myself so much more than I can chew. I'm trying to do it allllll by myself. Compensation makes sense, somewhere. I need someone to directly respond to this, and tell me to quit.

Hell, ok. Why not a conclusion to standards that involves some mmm hot topic of relationship? Well, that's actually just an entire other thing I was more willing to explain, about a week ago. Point is- these things that attribute to my "inflated sense of self" (which should no longer be referred to as such) cause me to think that I can only be involved with a certain female that has a lot of absurd features. I read about this, too. I may cause myself to believe... actually I see no reason not to. I'm in control. Anyway, what I was saying is that, blah, causes of someone's definition of "obsessive love." Actually, yeah. This is very irrelevant, now. It'll come off wrong, either way. You know when you have something that you knew you were supposed to explain eventually, and it just gets brought up at the wrong time? Yea. Somewhere, in here.

If only I were tired often. I would be ok with a bunch of me's running around. Not in that way, though. Just, sleep would be too important for me to not live in the wild.

Caution tape. Pile.

Relief

Alright. Feeling somewhat of a thing like addiction about internet, now. Trying not to keep checking, but tomorrow is my only day off and I just can't make the most of my time. Have to calm. Alone, free.

Woke up after this dream. A broadway adaptation of Nick. Text messages, of all things. Product placement. Secret messages. Real versus what I think I'm saying. Then there- the nerve that I have to wonder what something means.. What is a 'blue flunkerfish'? Vividly in my dream.

Two movies involving "thorazines." Then, just fake profile freakout. I know. More product. Just trying to scrape the last of it out. I'm all alone, you know.

help?

Liberation

Another dragging on, questions asking, 'you look tired' or "can't- work" type of day. I may just "blow my brains out". You may know what I mean, ha. Oh the liberation. Hah, who knew? No, I mean. To legitimately escape from everything, including blow-brains and runaway, and stay in the same place.

Ok wait. First thing. Tell myself. Messy desk or messy room thing. Maybe so. Yes so. I don't come off the right way, though. I need some calender dates. Not maybes.

Stay up late or wake up early? too late. Ok maybe a pause. Like I'd have that sleep choice though. Something is straining me, forcing me not to proceed. Gone.

Tore

Thus ends what may have been the last of the House-Buyers. Not really. House-buying is new. It's years in the making. I don't like my own personal labels. Except my own. Now let me get to my real mood.

Upset or disappointed or suspicious. Whichever, there'll be some kind of stupid realization at the end so I can just go "see, it's all on purpose." Right? I might as well say it now, to expedite variation. I can remember loads of words, see? So suddenly, it's after midnight. They take it all away from you. All of them are taking all of it from all of us. The house owners have got any potential buyers by the balls. I'd hate to revert back to rebellion, but is it not the case? Sentenced to hell under our own personal masters? Water coming in, to taunt me. Bloody tears, in some other country. Those who wrote the bible, practicing their satire. Some divine literary competition, while I face shopping cart poetry. Tortures of the damned, yes. It's a rite of passage to get exactly what you ask.. around. A pre-requisite of those who were tortured, in order to kick back and just say "ohhh" in pure pleasure. Bit by bit, in order to keep away the actual previous final destinations. From prison to slavery.

The letter. "i can not deel with this any more and unfortinitly i am going to run away" or I assume. Some childhood experience. Somebody else's family. Still, children have the right idea. Pack up one or two of their favorite toys, a package of candy, and the clothes on their back. That'd get them farther than they'd think- which isn't saying a lot because their expectations dive in about an hour.

Still. It may just be heat confusion. Won't stop the tragedy, though. I don't want to introduce myself if I have to include the sounds of "twenty-" or "thirty-" and so on. Only a little over a year to do so. Ok, fine. Maybe I just won't be able to do anything with the actors and folks over 80. I'll just have to keep finding newer interesting people to hope to one day meet. What, in the hell on earth, is the true Hard Work? Where exactly is that one point where I finally, by myself, just let loose and start something and get it done? I thought it was "put me in a room, give me something to do, and close the door." Am I still supposed to be practicing? How long to practice before one accidental good thing happens? How long will I have the same mood?

Sleep can be a reward or a waste of time. It depends on who's giving it to you. I'll bet, eventually, that'll be the same case with a lot of things.

Did you know you're not allowed to change your tragic flaw? You're supposed to take the fall for anyone who was born with that tragic flaw. See? If you're the one who is showing the other people who have the same destiny as you, then you have to show them how not to have the same destiny as you. At least you'll be a hero. A tragic hero, again.

I've become.

Hone

Yeah willingly unresponsive. In the past week maybe, I got my new camera. Made 2 videos in one night. Already old news. One of them can actually be described as the ultimate Pito Video to date. It is my 50th one I've uploaded to the tube, so good coincidence. I say ultimate because it contains features of all my previous solo works. Viral, anyway.

Today hasn't really done justice. Aggravated, I think. Got off and took a nap. Work takes more hours away from your life than you know. It's really not fair (well you got a point there.) Watching old Fredryk Phox and realizing that he was another one of the people who have subliminally influenced me during that one part of my life. It's almost sad though. The fear of a cycle.

I think I may be stressed or aggravated tonight. Ashamed of the fact that I went through today looking how I look. The clothes, I mean. No idea what anyone else saw. Ok and "you look thinner and thinner" losing weight 'compliments.' Too bad I overheard the same person compliment another person. "Younger and younger." Except that was a bigger ruckus. With me, I just kind of. Fake smile. "Are you happy?" Asking if the compliment worked. I have no idea of reality, actually kinda. No idea what I look like, which may or may not matter. No idea what it is. Then of course someone would say: "Dude, everybody feels that way." Alright. Yeah let's leave that one there until I have proof.

All my obligations are paid. More library books. Three, this time. Three separate rooms.

Oh yeah and talking to Nico about all of us getting together for a new show. So far it looks like we're considering the Wonder Root. Who knows. I think we all agree yes. Justin won't be MC MassMurder he says. Hopefully we're building our following. wish we had a following though. Still, also maybe a picnic show in my backyard. Then when MC Mass finally finishes his album, a much better show. I'm already miles ahead of myself. I want the Cool Winners junk to have been established, MC to move on, the bridge between Nico's folks and us to be built, and the Creepy Ghosts explained. All that's in the past to me. In my mind, my entire career (past and future) is all just in the past. I think we need to bite off something we can barely swallow. Disappoint a lot of folks except the ones who pay enough attention. Already.

Tabloids about us. Able to happen. Just no idea who the hell we are. Death wish. we're all in chaos, not chaotic chaos but left over chaos from when we were in chaos. Not big enough to be chaotic. There's an entire story here. He's torn, Georgie. This is drama. So, what? Do I just write the biopic or the documentary? Who wants the same story, twice? It's a multiverse, so it quenches but also drouts. Thirsty as hell.

An that dreadful To-Do list. Somethings literally can only be done in a certain light. You Know? Begging to work myself to death. The way I want to work, clearly. Stop this, it's nonsense. For people to just eat these things. This store is just gluttony. Why put so much emphasis on FOOD? Out of their minds. That, in fact, should be the ring of hell for sinners of gluttony. Food as a goal, as comfort, as something to talk about, life? Ridiculous. I wouldn't mind any of these folks just going to hell. Ok, I shouldn't be at this point. This is how everyone ever has complained about work. I've been complaining about work all of my life.

I must explode.

Newt Rick

Anyhow, despite impossibility, yeah I woke up fine this morning. I mean impossibility of it having been this morning, not the fact that it was unbelievable that I'd wake up fine. I just get cryptic when it comes to the edge of bragging about technology.

Still one of those fly-by grocery days where I spend the entire time in my own head, finishing old arguments or debating on how the hell to get out. As soon as I got back home, I showered and just took a walk. The old walk I used to take. That old cliche of going to one's quiet place. Might as well.

While gone, I guess it's confirmed that we may start working on Dait-A-Base. In all honesty, I just hope I get to direct it. I had to watch Ed Wood, yesterday, just for the scenes where he's finally making Plan 9. Just to hear the lines like "are you people insane?" (probably not exact) and Orson Welles' part. It's like, I've come here for this reason. I've got to take hold of something, somehow.

I've been too quiet. There's proof. I've been running this through my head: "throughout each day, I only say 5 things. That's if you count 'heh.'" Which isn't necessarily true, but I have had to pipe down for the most part. Not that I say a lot. Which is what I am trying to explain. If I had just talked all through high school, and if I just talk now, would more people know about the things that I want to do? I mean, no one has actually asked me about that side of myself, at work. Agh. The words. Even though I was asked about music preference and my comedy act. Fragment. Physical proof that I don't speak out is that my voice is actually terrible. It doesn't get much exercise either. It's supposed to be "I wonder what Pito sounds like when he sings," not "don't let Pito sing, have you heard his little comedy songs?" Still, no matter what anyone else says- nobody has heard me sing. My lung capacity. The fact that people even associate me with comedy. People misunderstanding all of that for me actually wanting to sing. Voice is on my "Work on:" list. So is Time Management. Which brings me to the other part of today...

Went through some old things I've written and, of course, drawings I've done. The relevance of those things rely on what it is that I actually want to work on next. With the whole Time Management thing, I need to agh. Not even the surface. Furniture, my old files, my new files, catalog, to-do list, resolutions, sleep, work, this Twill bs. Not even to mention that I finally got somewhere with any whit-worth of a social life. Actually sounds like a saying. Alright, let's see if I can prioritize on my way into sleep. This is the 23rd though. Well, now it's actually 24 but all pretend. Not obligated, just making sure.

Consumed.

Sapp

There's all this gross laundry detergent crud sauce all over my dresser. I've been packing lot of my junk and getting all that stuff together. Already moved some stuff over, and had my first urine of the new house. Gah, I'm speaking in Product Placement terms. Anyway, spent the last couple of house making sure all my little things are in boxes, taping them up, and setting them aside. Impressive dinner.

I started out the day, just kinda looking at the snow because it's a lot more than any other time it has snowed here recently. I tried to figure out what to do with it. It wouldn't pack into any shapes, though. Oh yeah the first thing I did was walk in it while I was in pajamas and no shoes or socks. But it's quicker to melt this time too. So, it's basically dying out.

The water heater is electric, though. So that means hot water even if we don't turn on the gas right away. Physically possible to live in the house right now. Of course.

Ok, but yesterday. How often do you see a real live or life shark, swimming above your head, and snow in the same day? Definitely accomplished, yesterday. Today, I've put in the work for accomplishment but I don't feel like I'm done. Maybe yesterday's only accomplished in hindsight.

Paranoia of displaying what song is stuck in my head right now? Or to even mention using websites. Not liking to use anything with copyright capital letters.

Ok, they callin me. Wait, no

Near The

Went to see the house again, today. My idea for the basement seems to work out perfectly. Got a little anxious when I thought about if I really know what I'm doing. I'll know if things don't work out. This video I just watched kind of gave me some hope, though. One of my newer favorite aspects about making movies- set design.

Yeah, I'll be fine. Tried to sell some more gold, today. Wasn't too sure about the price the guy offered. So, we didn't sell. I wonder if this is like one of those representations of this period of time in history.. How "we buy gold" appears more often and people talking about moving and getting jobs.. I'm completely unaware of the times, so I hope I don't end up speaking for anyone. When we do end up selling it, it should be enough to get utilities switched over or something. No rent until March. Hm. Too good to be true, so far. Either way, I'm ready to check "Live somewhere else" off of my 6 month to-do list. Then, I'm sure all the other crud will get checked off after.

That's basically it. Practiced my future 'daily routine' in the basement, too. Then of course, when I mention that, I think of how much of a nail in a coffin type of thing the phrase 'daily routine' must be, but ha I actually wrote an essay on that general scenario. Not exactly the same as what I wrote, but it's kind of just "light at the end of the pregnant" or "hope on the horizont" kind of thing because it's just. hey. Like shore, too. That's kind of why religion uses so many metaphors and references about light. I've come to discover that religion is based in a lot 'recovery.' Whenever you're out of it, you can always just take whatever has been distracting you and replace it with whichever church you like. Some people need it a lifetime, some people need it just to get back on their feet. There we have it. Nothing too assertive in my words to make anyone feel too strongly, right? I'm not trying to make a new point, but I'm making sure that I know that I've noticed it. Should've used examples, but that's for another time.

Now, I'm convinced I was thinking about that earlier today. Even though the only reason I brought it up just then was to explain to myself why

Literally just got distracted by that gold necklace hanging from a thumbtack. I've become like that one Gollum hey. Literally no reason not to just hock it. Chill up my spine. Actually imagining getting a meat cleaver and cutting it in half so it looks like it's still there, while I take the other half. Heh, well at least I still have patience to fall back on.

Sell.

Study

Today would and could have been, and probably is, a day set aside for "studying." The fact that this is probably my 'homework.' Yeah, I mean. I kind of subtly did nothing today. I was wearing pajamas for the first act. I still wasn't sure if work, or something. I feel like I'm hiding from a person. Oh man.

Tash came over, and brought some dvd's. My goal was for her to kind of bring me some movies to get ideas from. Ideas. Ha, it's probably not the case but specifically I had her bring that.. Faster Pussnen Cast, Klid! Klid! By Ross Mayor. That was the highlight, apparently.

I guess anxious because it's like on hold. Oh yeah, crarp. I have to celebray next month.
Alright, yeah actually getting more and more anxious. ok, I'm going to make sure I see this every time I skim through this.

If it didn't work out by now, then leave!

(a note to self.) I want to make sure I can fall back on certain..ty? ok, and no telling if I actually made it a point to "write" everyday this year but so far I basically did. I mean, I do want to make sure I remember each of the days just in case. And kind of to see if every single day actually exists.

ok.

Look Alike

Hey, how's it goin'. 8:00 thing. I went to Hank's after work. The fact that I.. gah. Mr.K was shouting in the background "way to go!" Well, ok I'll accept it. Oh I had a Brunswick Stew at that Old Ephraim's place. Safe feeling. Crap, forgot dessert.

It was easy-going, though. I like grocery better. Oh yeah and mom said she called our old landlord (if that's actually what it's called) and it's good news. He's heard from other folks, and would be willing to hold the house for us. Hah sounds good. That's all though. Which means another one of these:

So, on the note of that bit of good news, I guess that means I will end up staying in town again. Now, I'm not sure how that's going to go. I'm not seeing the house the way I've been seeing it, anymore. I don't know, but I guess it's a start. Yeah, it's all a start. Hm, I'll be taking my rebirth righ quick. I mean in the way that with my 'resolutions' in tact (HAH!) then I'll just get that good mix up Pito that just kind of fits. Sorry, though. Picture facebook statuses pouring out of my ear or whatever. Yeah, Be Little.

Not in that mood where I'd be saying those ideas, but hey. Borrow some movies, keep going along with it, move, go a little longer yet easier, enjoy what time there is left with those people who could be leaving soon, figure it out, find something better, then flee! Hell, I don't care. I like this ability to do things just because I am the person who I control. I was right about "feel like thisssss." Oh yeah, heard from Justin (not directly) and I still have some skepticism about what I'm hearing but hopefully he'll arrive next month. Ok I don't know if I am wrong but if I am not mistaking this cast of circumstances, it looks like things happening to fall into a certain place. Not the same place I imagined before, but a couple of prequels.

I thought travel was in the cards, though. I guess the "two steps forward and three steps back" thing keeps on being relevant. I'm getting the feeling of "too late." What if it was my mistake to allow myself to end up here in the first place? Well, literally two points of view come to mind. I can always picture Fide saying I'm here because I made the choices to end up here. I can picture whatever it is that has been telling me this whole thought-process that there's a reason you're here, and why you're going back. Look's like I've been given a month's deadline for this side of town. If I don't find the hidden treasure, then who will? Er... what will replace it?

Yeah. One of these.