At Least

Ah, erm. I wanted to say something about not being allowed to brag about my own personality traits, or something. Hold up, my leg is bouncing up and down while my arm iss resting on itt. I'm typing. Yeah I mean, half of me is thinking that the pressure should be on. Most of me agrees that things are going ok. Things are going according to plan, I suppose. Then comes the unplanned. Heh, my dad is in the hospital right now, after a car accident. Of course, I am unable to head to Atlanta to visit him. I'm just not sure about how I am reacting. I am sure that anything I can say right now, about this situation, would be considered exploitation. To myself, at least. Ok, let me just say that this is an example of me thinking rather than feeling. If we can put aside the severity of the problem, I just want to reflect on this aspect... Well, I don't know.. People that are motivated by feelings, are they the ones who announce to the world this type of stuff? This is going to be a hard thought-process to untangle, though.

No feelings happen when I get news like this, which cannot be a bad thing, but if they did... what would they be? Worry vs. Concern... What am I doing right now? What should I be doing right now? I am at ease, for the most part. I just don't know if I should be. My left leg is shaking, and that is all. The same leg was shaking around this time, last year. I was just writing a story and I noticed the things that must be on my mind right now. Once again, the news has found its way into my thoughts. Yesterday was the first I had even heard of those miners in Chile. That aggravated me, at first. Some news story that I didn't even know about, having an almost ineffective outcome. Comedians had to break that piece of news to me. Why am I hearing this story, and why will it be in my subconscious for a while? I guess the story was irrelevant to me, until now. I won't explain why.

Let's try it this way. I woke up at eleven, and was alert by 11:30. Today, I had plans for me to: message two people about my phone number, finish my financial aid thing, and call Hank and my dad. The only thing I did not do was call Hank. I held off on breakfast because I really was not in the mood to give that soy milk another chance. Right. I called my dad, and he didn't answer the first time. I was still in bed. A minute later, he called me back. He seemed to just be waking up, too. Apparently, this was his day off from his new job. He told me that it was a good thing that they gave him a day off because he was feeling a little bit sick. It's flu season, I suppose. It was a short phone call, but he said he would get in touch Saturday. So, my day started. I showered and turned on my computer monitor to see that I had set aside some videos for me to edit today. I guess I edited two, and looked through the rest. Meanwhile, it was my mom who was finishing up my financial aid for me. I didn't expect that at all. Somewhere along the way, I guess the video editing did cut into the afternoon. Not sure if I remember where the time went today.

It was evening, and in a rare occasion, I sat on the couch and watched tv. Actually, I had been encouraging myself to watch tv more often in order to keep myself aware of the ways that shows are written and stuff. I was watching Seinfeld, when I got a call from my dad's phone number. When I answered, I heard my dad's friend. She told me that he was in the hospital after a car accident. In hindsight, this reaction is familiar. I'll try not to keep that in mind. But see, all I can think about is exploitation. How do people react to others when they are in pain? I'm sorry, but if I say what is actually going on in my head, then..

Every thought is going through my head. The hilarity, the horror, the satire, the honesty, the memories, the news, the stories, the offense, the defense, the ugly, and whatever the opposites to all those things are. And more. I was already thinking these things, though. It's a paradox because none of this is caused by hearing that my dad is in intensive care, and it is at the same time. Was I already going to talk about something? Was I already planning to talk about my weekend? Will I forget the weekend completely? Hah, it's officially Friday. When did my weekend end? What am I allowed to be thinking about? Should I be concentrating on getting to hospital to visit my dad? Should I be thinking about things to cover that whole thing up?
Current Mood: Waiting.
Let's be honest, I'll do the family thing and "keep him in my prayers," at the very least. I guess all that is really on anyone's mind at the minute, though, is get-rich-quick. Nothing unexpected, just really amplified to me.. you know, besides this entry's main concern and due to loss of interest in certain other folks. I was really wanting to write about how I have over 14 things that I am working on. I already did that, kinda. It was just going to be about me being slick about the fact that I am able to handle various things with no problem. Then I was going to have the realization that I am not even actively working on those things. That's out of the question, I guess. Now, all I can think is "well, my dad's in the hospital" when I'm trying to maintain focus on this keyboard. That quote is really a balancing act. I'm imagining that I really should not imagine anything too far to the right of that statement. If anything, I'll lean more to the left. On the left, are the good thoughts. Alright, fine. I can't even remember what mental disorder that is. Doesn't matter though.

Yeah, too many things at once. Too many thoughts at once, rather. I know I am not in denial, (don't speak in absolutes) and I know that at the very back of my mind I really just want to mention an episode of King of the Hill that I just watched. Nothing really, just the fact that Bobby was in "the hole" at the military camp, er academy thing that he was sent to. Chile, again. The story I was just writing, again. "Keep him in your prayers," again. The right side.

At the end, I guess there's no use in worrying about others exploiting emotions when they feel more than they think. It all comes back to personality types. Thinkers and feelers. It also comes back to that Stephen King interview I just read. He mentioned something hypothetical about getting into a car accident and thinking "this is just like the movies" rather than being worried about his safety. I'll admit, my heart just skipped when my eyes moved from the name Stephen King up to where I had written King of the Hill, but ah well. Connecting things. I'll ignore it if I have to. As of now, I still haven't read anything by the man. Just about him. It's almost like when I started listening to Frank Zappa. I just read his quotes. Then came the 3 discs of music. Eh, whatever. Wish I could stick to one topic, though. Also, my aunt thinks that my dad might have blacked out before the accident because my dad's friend said he hadn't eaten before then. Could also be the flu. Or any other sickness that would be going around. At the end of it all, it's probably just more exploitation.

I can't even tell where I am thinking.

Bonkers

Yeah, I finally went cuckoo. I know, I know. No proof. That's fine. It's probably just a bodily function, then. I'm just wondering how many jokes I'd make about myself once I was declared a loon. I continue to claim to not have anything to do with the whole "insanity" craze, but that's kind of a tough one to shake off. I can picture my eyes literally opening up to the fact that I actually do nothing more than confuse folks. I actually do "take the long way around things". So, I mean. I need to calm down. Not "who's to say what's normal?" or anything, but I need to stop stopping in the middle of everything I say. Do I need to stop?

I've just been going back to that phase of getting confused and terrified by regular people. Yeah the whole "people aren't real" thing, but yes regular people. I just get the feeling that people are just being hardcore versions of people. Laughing and enjoying things- no I am not "disgusted" like it sounds, but I really really really feel uncomfortable. I am really really really convinced that everything is set up. Now, I know my limits. I know that I am able to steadily believe that "people don't exist" and "most people are fake" and "some people are background characters" and "aw, I love people" and "hate 'em" and "hey" and "some people are bad some people are good some people are smart and some are dumb" all at the same time, and it all makes sense... but now I actually feel all these things at once...? Agh. No. I'm not trusting anything. Yeah, it's got to be a chemical thing.

This may be the first time that vacation will actually do me good. I think I now know how to be ok with not working on something. Heh. Contradiction: it's 5 am. I'm clearly not satisfied. It's clear that there's something going on in my system. It's also probably the cause. I already know what may just be the cure.

Earlier, I sat and tried to perfect my miniature "bio". Heh. "About Me." Not here, though. The public one. That's another thing that's been kind of making me uneasy. The fact that I was even re-writing it was just not legitimate. I was actually trying to write about myself. To compete. I basically wrote it, about 5 times. I beginning to obsess. I thought about how I inherited a need to get everyone I ever met, together. I wanted to keep in a part about how I accidentally help people. I listed words that I have been described as. I tried to insist that I need the opposite of an ego boost. Then, I realized... Since when do I describe myself? I am revealing the "secret". I'm thinking two things at the same time. Of course, I'm not trying to have a bunch of questions asked about me... well actually yeah I'd prefer that to just being plain wondered about. Fine, never mind those. What I ended up saying was something about how anything that I begin to say that might be "personal" I just turn into nonsense. Then that just makes me "interesting". It's ridiculous. All by accident. All entanglement.

Actually had a conversation, in a dire moment. Heh, I sat to a meal in a fast-food restaurant by myself. I lost it because this was my actual visual manifestation of somebody who has given up completely. I cringe at the sight of a lonely middle-aged woman eating a sandwich. That is my personal ultimate horror. Later I found out that the man who was sitting behind me was actually basically insane. You know... yelling at folks. Still, when I left I just happened to see, heh, Zane. That's as far as I'll go. His full name just drove me even more mad because of a certain character in a book. We talked, more than I expected. Just like all of my other friends, he has had time to think. Ugh. No way these words were coming out of his mouth. I've had this conversation with each of my close friends. It's always new.

I mean. I am actually getting "blind-sighted" by stupid little things. If you're on my side, don't get offended by what he said- "you seem like a college guy who likes to hang out and party, but when you go home you probably write poetry and cut yourself." I literally had to jump up and scream when he said that because it's kind of true. For someone who has just met me at this point in time, yeah. I couldn't figure out the "cut" part, but it actually put the rest of the statement in some "real life" package. This is how I must seem. That's not so good. That's the story of my life. New Year's Day, I'm optimistic and I try to reason with situations and I have faith in people. The moment after my birthday, I distrust people and I don't believe in situations.

So this year, I was just knowingly a ridiculous trying-to-impress "interesting" man. One of the things that you become out of shear avoidance. Now, I am just a wacko. Great. All of that. Then just this.

Oh yeah, I forgot. Situations where I am sure that no one ever has a problem with. They seem freshly complicated. Grant's family still has my camera, and he's in Brazil. I was supposed to get it from him before he left, but then he said his dad would drop it off with me. Fine. Apparently they still need it. I'll let them borrow it for a bit longer. I have no idea why, but I can't fathom any response to any...anything. I don't get it. I literally don't understand what any of that means. Plus, there's a public information problem that I literally do not.. ugh. This is new, I've never been able to not understand...not remember... It actually "hurts"... like something inside me is being given an "indian burn" er whatever. You know. Wringing. I feel dried up.

I'll just rest. No, wait.

Souls

Just any given demon woman putting you to sleep for about 13 hours.

That one dream I wrote about actually ended up happening. Well, it would have if I would have had a dvd player downstairs.. Until yesterday, I was stuck in June 21st: the day after my birthday.

For my birthday, I fell asleep at maybe 5 am, again. I was trying out a new medication, honestly. I did it wrong, so it was whatever. Woke up with a headache, but it was a decent headache. I walked out to see all that had been prepared for my celebration. Stuff set up, out back. I remember being on the lawn swing chair thing for a while. Then Grant came over and family came over.

Of course, I told them lies about work and college. I can't handle things. No one even knows that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Exactly. Contradiction. Crap, that reminds me.

There was a mid point. Then, it picked up as the family left and my guests arrived. Nerve-wracking. Er, thought so. You know what, though? It ended up beautifully. Literally, a beautiful day. The day people only give you when you're on your death bed. Oh well.

Justin even told me that the conversation we had when it was all over was just the happiest he's ever heard me. Heh. Still, I feel much like a failure in that area. It's ok. I just wanted to achieve some type of exit strategy for people like me. The failure of such a thing can literally only attribute to a life in the grind. Life in the grind. It's sacred.

Then, I lost track for a couple of days. Yeah, I celebrated Nick's birthday, but that was kind of what I had been doing the week before. When I tried to go back into the world that I was trying to kind of take hold of before, I literally set myself up for disappointment. So, last night I felt the exact opposite of how I did when my birthday was over.

I mean at least then, there was a chance of folks doing anything. Last night, it was just everything with every reason to be horrifying. Everyone is just so inaccessible. Anyone who can help just can not help. I literally have to hide from family, for a couple of reasons. I mean, I know who to trust with any situation, but they're scary monsters at this moment. Really, what I'm saying is that I had this devastating realization about females, again.

I really feel that they're monsters. I really feel that they're the ones who only want one thing. I heard my mom and her friend come in, and I heard them talk all night. They didn't know I was home, in my room, asleep that early. It was the most demonic thing I had ever heard. Complaining and coming up with people to blame problems on. There is no need a person will ever have to cause someone to talk about a thermostat the way my mom did last night. Our poor dog was right in the line of fire. His crying for her attention just says it all. Women are these things that are on some crazed mission. They're scouting out the world, for what they want. No one can enter this planet without something that a woman has done. I mean it. They birth men and more women, take care of animals, all so that we can beg for more. How can a thing be so evil by doing so many good things? It is corruption.

That was the thing. Notice I said I was asleep, well- in bed, early? All of this is the kind of thing that makes you lose faith in the entire universe-- or at least an entire universe of things. The only thing you can do is try to fall asleep. That's probably the only way to escape. Of course, since it comes to mind, death won't be a way to escape this type of universe. Death is actually a part of it. All that can be done is several, temporary escapes.

Well, who could this all be directed from? The source of this type of realization? Don't worry about it. Even me writing anything is actually just a dormant sacrificial animal that I give up in order to flag down some woman's appreciation. That's something I studied from them, firsthand. Any mention of long-term "sustaining from doing a certain thing" is actually just a dormant begging of doing so.

So, you can see I know that there's nothing I can do, so far. I'm not completely irate with anyone, and the only thing I can expand upon is myself and what I'm thinking. I just got the "tower" card. What Tupac said, too. I just have to keep an eye out for myself. These people might just be aiming to hurt, but hey why not?

Ok, eject please.

Blister

First of all, I probably won't make it if my feet are the things trying to get me there. I applaud them, but it's my fault. I didn't think being barefoot in the city would actually do that much. Then, I guess I haven't acknowledged that the weather might be getting hot, soon.

So, I went to the Marietta graduation. A replica of last year's, I bet. This was Saturday, a full day. No idea how long ago it was, now. I went there, in a useless shirt, and watched. I took a peek at some folks, but I eventually hurried off to a pretty good breakfast. From there, I went to Grant's little graduation thing that "the proud mamas" put together. I was anxious because I had to leave there, even sooner than the other things. Still, after all of that, I was incredibly anxious about "some big party" that I was going to....

I can still feel it, though. Questions raised in the past year meeting circumstances and settings of this year, so far. Once I realized that I was all by myself, in this, I had no choice but to mention that it's another "this group doesn't make any sense." These people know each other, but they're not supposed to meet. I mean, I would love for everyone to meet, but not like this. People from this year, mentioning ironic folks to people who have been the subject of conversations for a long time. It may as well be selfish that that's what I'm focusing on. It's just that I feel that I was entirely alone. Especially because no one reacted to my outrage. You'd have to be dead in order to ignore outrage like that. I'm surprised the guy next to me, wasn't dead yet. I guess he just had to stick it out for my own personal season finale. I was really hoping it'd be a series finale, though. Too much for one period of time, maybe.

I must not mean what I am saying, here, but, it was right for it not to be a "party." It was what I came there for. It was answers. Of course, when you find out enough answers, the questions get scrambled. I guess both ends can't be tightened in one night. So, from there, I have to continue. I am sorry that, as a result, I refused to meet anybody new afterward. I just don't want some new person walking around throwing in some hidden ironies for me to collectively research. What does it matter, though? People buying houses? That's unheard of. People selling houses? That's going to begin to make my skin crawl.

What is the use? The longer people have to stare at your elbows, under your sleeve, the more they realize that you're only alive. Those people are there to lift, and their elbows are shame. I want my elbows to be seen from above, as under my arm.

Either way, I left that place feeling that stomach ache you get when you kind of watch a person die. I think I might have done exactly that. Watching, I mean. The last time I felt like that, I subsequently watched a car burning, casually. My only problem is the fact that everyone may just feel the same. All of the time. If anyone does react to anything, then they'd all have to. Except, I feel betrayed that people can repeat things that I am thinking but have no legitimacy in their presentation. By saying that, people know exactly what I mean. The ones that don't claim to be confused, of course. Still, if these are all repeated words, then why is there a flux between high and low? Must be nonsense.

I completely forget I have a family.

I guess you have to kind of be aware. You might have to be aware of the world spinning, of course. That theory. In addition to the fact that you have a throat that opens and closes every once in a while. You'll have to be aware of spiders hanging around, hunger, and that glass might be made of sand. Think about your spouse and children, whether or not you have them. Think about your friends, whether or not they exist. Then, think about how some people are 100% set on thinking about reproductive organs. All together, your thoughts will thank you, and you might get something. I don't know.

When I got home, I literally couldn't imagine doing anything but sitting and staring. How was it not the end? Alright. Not to mention the horrifying ironies that proved that is wasn't over. I mean, I might have to do something on the verge of a publicity stunt, just to prove some things for myself. That's the best way I could put it, for that moment.

I absolutely have to go.

Praise

To be honest, my sense of self.
I'm sort of believing that there were some points where I did change who I was. I just didn't necessarily agree with that plausibility. I don't want to say that I change who I am everyday, every hour, or more likely- by the year. Plus my sense of self may actually be "inflating." I'm actually not showing any signs of narcissism, so this must just be encouragement. Sounds like people want me to move forward. Good because once it's televised, someone else can point out whether or not I change by the season.

It also makes me blatantly dread "work." Nah, I can't tell anyone that I work. I can't tell anyone what I think about college. My standards is what keeps me away from college. Generally, it's just that I can't find a school that's good enough for me, at this point. That's what it sounds like. Under that, the reasoning is that I wasn't really singled out in high school just because I did sort of have too much of a high standard for.. not sure I remember what I told myself earlier. Still, it made sense that I was more of a "perfectionist" on the way out. Leaving was just some fire exit. Now I think I'd kind of... "make school my bitch" as it goes. There's the problem. One of them. I was too good to do what I had to do to set myself up for college, and now I'm too good to take baby steps. Well, I shouldn't punish myself with these words. I was "too good" because I shouldn't have been responsible for that whole 3-year long stint I had with geometry. I'm sorry, but Geometry in my life is absolutely absurd. Aneurysm worthy. It's a great form of math, I know- it's technically right up my alley, but it's literally someone sticking their leg out for me to fall right on my nose. Clearly fate. I know that I know Geometry. Well, in all honesty- all honesty, old female teachers will not teach me math.

What I mean is that I couldn't just make up for the time I missed while the rest of my class sat back and said "yeah, dude." Actually. Odd history between math and I. Still, I was too good to spend time out of school to make up for something that will not be my fault. As a result, I have not taken my SATs. I still have no idea what grades I left school with. Oh my god. Horror in realizing that the only time I've explained that was in my job interview. "Yeah, I was pretty good in school." Eh ok that's enough. I was just unaware of what grades really were until 11th grade. I'm just not sure what all this says about me. Not bad, really.

ok. It's true, I may be giving away all the mystery of what once was "the famous 'Pito'" but if someone is doing that much research, then the word "famous" can't really fade. I don't mean insults.. it can't really sound like that. Still, the mystery doesn't lie in the everyday reality.. Actually it might. Nevermind. Still- glad someone knows that I "need to get out of this place." The anonymous "place." I know it won't mean this house, specifically, but I appreciate the concern. I lack aggression, therefore I owe it to some folks to get out of here. I'm already halfway done. I suppose that's why health can't matter much, anymore. All that anyone is waiting for, is for one of those people who care to actually be themselves multiplied. An agreement is what will give me who's I am.

Sort of brings to mind another example of high standards. Also another reason I am cautious of college. I'll start out by explaining how I wouldn't want to get any book published by some publishing company. I'm referring to Justin's situation with Charlie D. I am almost afraid to see him get published in that horrifying way. Some company, "yeah some writer wrote some stuff, he'll make us some dollars." Record labels, talent scouts, college, skateboarding... teams? I get the illusion that I'm holding the string of a balloon, but the balloon is actually just a big sack of meat. A whale, caught in some net. Other people have to give us a boost. That's the rule. Kind of like my mom's fear of being under things (ie airplanes, bridges). That's why I've been giving myself so much more than I can chew. I'm trying to do it allllll by myself. Compensation makes sense, somewhere. I need someone to directly respond to this, and tell me to quit.

Hell, ok. Why not a conclusion to standards that involves some mmm hot topic of relationship? Well, that's actually just an entire other thing I was more willing to explain, about a week ago. Point is- these things that attribute to my "inflated sense of self" (which should no longer be referred to as such) cause me to think that I can only be involved with a certain female that has a lot of absurd features. I read about this, too. I may cause myself to believe... actually I see no reason not to. I'm in control. Anyway, what I was saying is that, blah, causes of someone's definition of "obsessive love." Actually, yeah. This is very irrelevant, now. It'll come off wrong, either way. You know when you have something that you knew you were supposed to explain eventually, and it just gets brought up at the wrong time? Yea. Somewhere, in here.

If only I were tired often. I would be ok with a bunch of me's running around. Not in that way, though. Just, sleep would be too important for me to not live in the wild.

Caution tape. Pile.

Speak

"Forget looking good! I am in pain!" - Just written down, here. Reminds me, "when I hear the word 'freedom,' I think of a sandwich." Has to be.

Ok, well, I've been getting word that there's possibilities of a good weekend. It kind of presents itself as either a climax or a reward. Like a way to point out that things don't happen according to the written record of weeks, months, and hot dates. Ouch.

Yeah, though. Whoa, I accidentally, heh, "good" weekend. I mean. Hell, it's positive. Anyway, mine and their days off. Experimentals. Then, just every day I try to tickle the thought of happen-to-be. Just, the entire time, my chest hurts worse than a lot of things. Might need a bigger boat, though.

If I don't get anxious, then I have a treasure chest. I have a bruised treasure chest. An embarrassing chest that has gained me a green bruise of a golden chest. If it spreads, then I can't do much for treasure. Hard to keep my posture.

Who is letting me do these things? Flawless. I will pack my opening statement, my review, my resume, and my pitch. Some head-shots. Just to prove that I am able to get away with hopping the fence. My poor eyebrows. They've had it the worst.

Trouble, too. Not here, but in old words from today. Old worlds from today. All the same hour- I dare you to travel. I hope you do not enjoy your trip- that's mine. Not mine, though.

Almost as if my fingers are just too good for this. Wow, I walked around in those places, and I hope you will too. I've been planting the scenery as well because I can't remember these places not looking familiar. He's some non-exist. I hope there's a shooting. That megaphone. Thank goodness, nah go for God. More relevant.

Allowed to. Tips of these things. Nah, it's ok. I'm in pain, with no response. Familiarity, all over again. Ouch. Why don't people who claim to be in pain repeat the word "ouch" just in case some one hears? "Wow, you must hurt pretty bad, lol. What's going on?"

No, ouch, though.