Control

Ahh what a great night, last night. Well, that's over. Today I've just been old hermit. No, I can't tell if I'm just getting almost too particular recently. I think I might becoming choosy or whatever the better word is. Like, I actually think I got aggravated with the thought of people doing things in my room in the way that I don't usually do them. I'm getting afraid that I'm beginning to want things to go my way. I'm almost sure that what I am actually doing has nothing to do with what I'm thinking. There's no way of telling for sure, I mean. I just can't tell because it's like I'm very sure that when I am doing things, that I am doing them for my only right reason. But then the situation just turns into smleh.

Well, all last week I was doing great. I was on a roll, I was writing all types of material and that type of stuff that I do that cannot possibly be criticized or considered futile (because I am also imagining the response to my admitting to writing interesting stuff being looked at as a 'lame hobby'). And see that's just it. I wasn't thinking about this type of crap. I wasn't thinking about the negative things that exist in other universes. I wasn't thinking about universes either, for that matter. I had a clear head for the week. It was like I was headed toward a certain zone, where no one could mention drugs, paranoia, or depression (none of which pertain to me, but bother me when I realize friends are going through this type of junk). I was feeling.. heh.. I was feeling ok (can't stand the phrase "feeling good" for some reason. I claim that I don't believe that a person can do that in the sense that no one has the right to judge what "good" feels like.) and I was calm, in anticipation. Maybe I was waiting for last night. Now, I'm just letting things bother me. People talking loud. i can't tell if that's something that... heh. I don't get bothered, of course not.

Ahr. What I was saying.. Last week, I was doing good. Trying to think of specifics besides the fact that there was a point where I realized the actor Jason Segel seemed cool. I guess the 'accomplished' feeling came from the fact that all of the notebooks I write all this crap in are pretty full. Now before you have already read the words "notebooks" and "write" and already gotten halfway through this sentence, realize that these 'notebooks' are really just.. ah.. you'd really have to see them, but the main point is that they barely have anything to do with writing. So do not even associate it or me with writing. I will not disgrace these things buy calling them "idea books," either. And that's my problem, this week. Or just today, actually. I fear that I actually might just be being a control freak. See, now I'm feeling like I remember myself saying this about myself once before. Actually, hah, I might have been talking about someone else. Still, I'm trying to keep level. I guess it's the fact that because last week, absolutely everything was in my hands, and now that this is the period in which I share my ideas, I am not willing to hear anyone else's. Which is false because I am amazingly open to ideas involving the comedy team. Yep the comedy team. That's what I've been so proud of. Especially last week. That is where my mind was last week. The comedy team. Fail-safe. And now that the day I was waiting for is over, I guess I've been back to whatever. Universe A. My home world. Not the real world, just the place where I grew up. Hm. Maybe that means I need to take each Universe A time to grow up. Or maybe I distribute my grow-ups equally into each universe. So stupid, the word, but in one of these worlds I've come to believe that not a soul should be ashamed of words. And in another, I think the opposite: the whole thing about certain people ruining certain things. In some places, at some moments, no one can ruin a thing.

Back in "Real" World, there's the sound of the lyrics "I told you- no I'll never let you drag me down to hell " which fits. I only call that one "Real" just because that's the crappy one where.. ahem.. sex, drama, and drugs exist. Again, not for me- literally, honestly, and the absolute truth. Those things can get real. But they're all complete bs to me. Cool because there's no way to detach yourself from it without looking like you're-- Hell.

Still, the fact that I've clearly gotten back into talking about this stuff, and the fact that I haven't gotten over the terminology factor just kind of bothers me. That's why I was trying to ignore certain friends of mine. It would do me good, and it has nothing to do with them--oh oh-- just the fact that what they're saying is just going to make me fixate on some other realities. You know. "Drag me down to hell". And that may be the cause of the control-freak thing, as well. I'm temporarily banishing certain folks just because they're not in the same mood as I am (mostly because they haven't heard the same news that I have). They're not thinking about the same things, and that- THAT has to be the problem with long-distance relationships of any sort. They see ABSOLUTELY different things. Absolutely no way to communicate. The details have to gather. Things become less effective from farther away. "You'd just have to be there".

So, what's the deal? Is there anything upsetting me? Well, one thing I do want to get over. That awkward meeting, yesterday. Ah. And that other awkward thing. And the thing I didn't do. And the thing from 2 years ago that I reminded myself of, an hour ago. Redemption? Hah, listen, I'm actually convincing myself that you can get over any awkward situation by turning into a big.. show. Well, hell, that ol' "success is the best revenge". Hah, now that quote is going to make me think of when I told that to Fide and he just focused on the 'revenge' part. But the point, moreover, is redemption.

Ok. I hope this flows well. Actually. Ok, I'm about to just type what I'm thinking in order to help myself out so hold up. Now, if I completely cut myself off from the whole: "imaginary people," "not exist," "universes," "I act different to certain people," "I can't remember my relationship with certain people," "man, I messed up," "anger," "disappointment," and "back-up plans"... does that mean I'm also cutting myself off from actual.. er.. "inspiration" for the things.. God.. that I do? Not to mention "what is it that we do?". That didn't help at all. Wait a minute. This has absolutely nothing to do with last night. As in- this is not even the same.. ah hell, here we go.

One of the things that got me earlier. Two things, actually. Hah. Hah. There is always absolute Hell in trying to defend Kanye West. There. Simple. Let's say defending Kanye West has absolutely nothing to do with the man himself. He's only famous for the fact that he symbolizes the exact situation that I am actually trying to defend. Kind of like Obama (because I thought of Chicago). I mean, that's what "idols" are (and I mean "idols" as famous people in general) there for. They represent an intricate ideal. That's why no one is "the one famous person". You become a fan of one particular thing because that represents that situation. I actually don't care if I'm saying anything new- remember that. But I'm just saying- to defend Kanye is to defend that one ideal of "what I am doing/saying is being translated horribly wrong". Like, jumping the gun. Like, trying to lift something heavy when you haven't even considered building muscles. As in- not ready YET. As in- maybe I need to grow up- once again. Or. Maybe I'm just not wrong.

Other thing was remembering something that could have been considered insanely passive-aggressive over the summer. I mean, how often do people around here blatantly use the words "main character" in reference to real life? Ok, first things first. I'm not saying I'll ever do so, but for someone to call themselves a main character is actually justifiable. I think I'm treading over old grounds (hah) so, I won't even justify that statement- which doesn't need to be justified because it is actually a kind-hearted thing, really. It's one of those things, you know? "Importance of self" (in social situations) is just a matter of moderation. I'm fine. No new lessons. Really just an argument of how "cool" it is to hate yourself vs. how "cool" it is to hate other people. Then there is just the absolutely honest and pure reality of "I have never heard any of those words". So, I'm fine. I just want to talk about that last part with someone before I finally decide what I mean.

Those two things kind of topped off this mood of today. Finding out that no matter what, I'm still going to look like I'm saying/doing mean, untrustable things? Even if the thing I was attempting is fool-proof? Maybe it's because i forget how I look when I'm doing it. I'm just fat :(

Yo.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Update

Yeah. Today, which is (can't stress this enough) completely not like me, I've gotten a ergh "short temper". I didn't even mention that I was getting ugh "frustrated" with the fam today. Shame that I put a negative outlook about them before I even said anything positive about how I feel about them. You know- because I don't even talk about "fam". Whoa. My God. I just said "feel"("yeah but didn't he talk about 'feeling ok' earlier?"). Ha. Hah. Actually, that just explains this entire thing. It has to just be today. So in that big old open world, I am just a nice, creative (y'all can't stress that enough) young man. Fat too! :P And once every almost-never, I can just be "man he mean"- and that'll be by complete accident. I'm a man of ideas. That's who.
-----------------------------------
and then. whoa forgot. oh yeah. how you're not allowed to bring up anything. you're only allowed to be reviewed. I'm being cruel, I think this is making it worse. As long as no one blatantly copies what I'm saying here. I've been sucked in. 1. I wanted to ignore the 'writing' side of things (this) 2. Forcing myself to ignore is just the same as ignoring anything that isn't an internal conflict.
Bottom line- last night was fun. My friends and I went to a show. I got a free dvd.

Trouble

Well, I don't know. I'm getting a sense of "offended". I am somewhere in this thing about.. I don't know. You know how I am. I end up talking about junk like "universes" and stuff. Of course the only remedy is to be in what you call the "real world" and just get into some trouble. Apparently, these are called "reality checks". They're actually pretty stupid, but I'll bite. Last night, yeah, I was in the "real" world, just kind of being forced into a bad situation that I somehow apparently got myself into. Stupid. Any serious situation is actually just stupid, at this point. What is this.. "desensitized"? Well, like I had kind of tried to say before... there's got to be a difference between desensitized and just thinking a lot more than feeling in certain situations.

Ok, I won't really ever claim to be "wrong," but just imagine having an internal conflict where the only goal is to prove that whatever I did was right. This situation kind of applies to a lot, I guess. Kind of seems to be my ultimate lesson this year. Goes something like.. Trying to make things right before "it's too late" can probably only make things get worse.. or at least more "wrong". I, in respect for myself, just can't necessarily allow someone to tell me I'm wrong. It's just.. not the right type of thing to be told. Then, it feels like I'm doing a whole lot of good things in order to sort of "save up" for one 'bad' thing. There's no telling. There's no right opinion.

Eh. I know I'm just listing a bunch of iceberg tips worth of topics, but it's all I can do. I have this notebook, that I call my Sort this $#!* out book. You know. Ugh. I know. I just feel as though, reality or not, I need to sort out my "universes". I know that me even talking about stuff like that is only a phase, but maybe it's what I need to do right now. I guess this counts as my "trial and error" type of thing. Where I actually do try things, and find out how it doesn't work. Actually, one thing about last night... What about situations where I actually don't think before I speak. Ha because that was my only fault. Saying something. Admitting, basically. Still, it's like a rare thing. I'm not one to say things that end up making things wrong. That's whats odd. One of those things that really make you into a kook. Convincing yourself that deus ex machina is goin' on.. except opposite. Eh. Well, I mean. At this point, the one thing I'd like to make right is that I am not, nor will I ever be, considered a "bad friend" or "not a friend". No.

Ok, whatever. I don't deserve to be embarrassed, therefore, I won't be. I'm fine, I'm good.

Might As Well

Alright, then.
I guess the actual thing that's on my mind (after erasing a couple of sentences) is the whole thought of.. er. 'if you only had ___ to live' and stuff like that. I mean. I don't know how I am with that. I guess I've been waiting for me to finally figure out what it means to me. You know, kind of like when you've known of a certain famous person all of your life, but you're just not ready to know about him or her? More like when you hear a 'fact of life' or someone's motto and you've always thought that you knew what it meant.. Hell, I guess now is the time I finally delve into 'you only live once'. I guess knowing that I'm going to make it in the end isn't enough, right now. It's like I'm kind of preparing for the day where I find out I only have one day left. I guess I don't know enough of the world for me to find out about a last thing that I can do right now. Anything I'd want to do anytime soon, I'd rather just see develop. Not the process, just ugh. Processes make me run away, actually. So, no. Like, I know how easy everything is- within reason.

Honestly. It still confuses me. Yeah, I realized that I can actually get "confused". I guess I have to just look at it how it is.. "one day to live". Well, I could be breathing mold right now and that's deadly. I might, honestly, pass away soon. Unexpectedly. How much should I worry, thinking that I might actually just expire within months? It doesn't really bother me a whole lot, until I think about all the stuff they'd find in my notebooks and other writings. Ha, really, I'm just thinking about the many people who already have no idea what to make of the things I have had to say. That's a whole other story, maybe. I don't claim to be misunderstood or nothin'.

Ok screw it. "Current mood: Embarrassed.. Mortified.." I don't know. It doesn't matter what causes these things and how I resolve them or could have resolved them. I know that there's got to be a point where you can literally just redeem yourself. I shouldn't just take several tiny, yet huge, embarrassing moments and just say "ok, I'll just make jokes or movies about them so they won't be so horrifying to remember." I really, really have got to talk to these people about these ambiguous moments. I've got to find out, or let them find out, what can be reasonable in these situations. Of course, I won't be able to track down other folks, but if the things have just happened.. then I should say something. How can you really just be honest when it comes to people who.. matter? Really, on that note, how does one really at least try to get someone to do what's right? Wow. In a way, once again, it feels like heh being a puppeteer, for lack of better metaphors. Then after thinking, it's back to how I felt before the summer. Where several people are making me up. I'm several peoples' puppet? Nah, whatever, that's all stupid. This is stupid. Really stupid, all of it. This is actually just very stupid, and I couldn't be having a better time talking about how stupid this actually is.

I'm typing. What in the hell could that attribute to me doing what I want to do? I'm holding back, by the way. A lot. Because I have additional ideas, that aren't able to just be typed. They're the things that you see after you read this that's kind of "oh, that must be what caused him to do this'. Stupid. I've been losing brainpower, recently. That can literally, literally mean few things. Willful loss of brain? Me? No, actually, never. Ha.

This is awful. Nothing's awful, just this is awful. I know a person who just did the stupidest thing I can think of. I know him. Heh, to say the least. I know a person who has actually given up on things that they just "don't see happening". I know a couple of folks who just won't do things, and seem to wonder why they have to continue with their regular lives. I know a guy who I know I can't fully trust, but I really don't even care. Yet, I instinctively care. I know someone who literally will not make sense to me at all. That's what I know right now. That must be what's on my mind. This is ridiculous. All over the place. Where have I been? How do I know I haven't had this same mind-state before? This is probably how I felt, back in January, where I had not previously been "typing".

All year, I've had one set of things on my mind. I didn't say a word. Thought I said something, but no. Now, I've come back from Chicago, uttering quotes that I didn't think I'd remember. Now I'm back in a business-man state of mind. Now I'm trying to "network". That conflicts with everything I was, most of this year.

I think the wind is right.. something's in proper alignment ONLY for me to be able to safely say.. "I'm confused." And since context has to be an issue, it's literally just thoughts about real life. Real. Real. Real. Life. Li-li-life life. NOT the "real world" that older people warn you about. That's still nonsense. Alright, fine. I am unable to cope with the embarrassment, practically because I'm not talking about it. So, no use.

Also, I am unable to go from this to doing what I want about "one life to live" stuff. It wouldn't work. I'll still try. But really. "Being alive is so weird."