Control

Ahh what a great night, last night. Well, that's over. Today I've just been old hermit. No, I can't tell if I'm just getting almost too particular recently. I think I might becoming choosy or whatever the better word is. Like, I actually think I got aggravated with the thought of people doing things in my room in the way that I don't usually do them. I'm getting afraid that I'm beginning to want things to go my way. I'm almost sure that what I am actually doing has nothing to do with what I'm thinking. There's no way of telling for sure, I mean. I just can't tell because it's like I'm very sure that when I am doing things, that I am doing them for my only right reason. But then the situation just turns into smleh.

Well, all last week I was doing great. I was on a roll, I was writing all types of material and that type of stuff that I do that cannot possibly be criticized or considered futile (because I am also imagining the response to my admitting to writing interesting stuff being looked at as a 'lame hobby'). And see that's just it. I wasn't thinking about this type of crap. I wasn't thinking about the negative things that exist in other universes. I wasn't thinking about universes either, for that matter. I had a clear head for the week. It was like I was headed toward a certain zone, where no one could mention drugs, paranoia, or depression (none of which pertain to me, but bother me when I realize friends are going through this type of junk). I was feeling.. heh.. I was feeling ok (can't stand the phrase "feeling good" for some reason. I claim that I don't believe that a person can do that in the sense that no one has the right to judge what "good" feels like.) and I was calm, in anticipation. Maybe I was waiting for last night. Now, I'm just letting things bother me. People talking loud. i can't tell if that's something that... heh. I don't get bothered, of course not.

Ahr. What I was saying.. Last week, I was doing good. Trying to think of specifics besides the fact that there was a point where I realized the actor Jason Segel seemed cool. I guess the 'accomplished' feeling came from the fact that all of the notebooks I write all this crap in are pretty full. Now before you have already read the words "notebooks" and "write" and already gotten halfway through this sentence, realize that these 'notebooks' are really just.. ah.. you'd really have to see them, but the main point is that they barely have anything to do with writing. So do not even associate it or me with writing. I will not disgrace these things buy calling them "idea books," either. And that's my problem, this week. Or just today, actually. I fear that I actually might just be being a control freak. See, now I'm feeling like I remember myself saying this about myself once before. Actually, hah, I might have been talking about someone else. Still, I'm trying to keep level. I guess it's the fact that because last week, absolutely everything was in my hands, and now that this is the period in which I share my ideas, I am not willing to hear anyone else's. Which is false because I am amazingly open to ideas involving the comedy team. Yep the comedy team. That's what I've been so proud of. Especially last week. That is where my mind was last week. The comedy team. Fail-safe. And now that the day I was waiting for is over, I guess I've been back to whatever. Universe A. My home world. Not the real world, just the place where I grew up. Hm. Maybe that means I need to take each Universe A time to grow up. Or maybe I distribute my grow-ups equally into each universe. So stupid, the word, but in one of these worlds I've come to believe that not a soul should be ashamed of words. And in another, I think the opposite: the whole thing about certain people ruining certain things. In some places, at some moments, no one can ruin a thing.

Back in "Real" World, there's the sound of the lyrics "I told you- no I'll never let you drag me down to hell " which fits. I only call that one "Real" just because that's the crappy one where.. ahem.. sex, drama, and drugs exist. Again, not for me- literally, honestly, and the absolute truth. Those things can get real. But they're all complete bs to me. Cool because there's no way to detach yourself from it without looking like you're-- Hell.

Still, the fact that I've clearly gotten back into talking about this stuff, and the fact that I haven't gotten over the terminology factor just kind of bothers me. That's why I was trying to ignore certain friends of mine. It would do me good, and it has nothing to do with them--oh oh-- just the fact that what they're saying is just going to make me fixate on some other realities. You know. "Drag me down to hell". And that may be the cause of the control-freak thing, as well. I'm temporarily banishing certain folks just because they're not in the same mood as I am (mostly because they haven't heard the same news that I have). They're not thinking about the same things, and that- THAT has to be the problem with long-distance relationships of any sort. They see ABSOLUTELY different things. Absolutely no way to communicate. The details have to gather. Things become less effective from farther away. "You'd just have to be there".

So, what's the deal? Is there anything upsetting me? Well, one thing I do want to get over. That awkward meeting, yesterday. Ah. And that other awkward thing. And the thing I didn't do. And the thing from 2 years ago that I reminded myself of, an hour ago. Redemption? Hah, listen, I'm actually convincing myself that you can get over any awkward situation by turning into a big.. show. Well, hell, that ol' "success is the best revenge". Hah, now that quote is going to make me think of when I told that to Fide and he just focused on the 'revenge' part. But the point, moreover, is redemption.

Ok. I hope this flows well. Actually. Ok, I'm about to just type what I'm thinking in order to help myself out so hold up. Now, if I completely cut myself off from the whole: "imaginary people," "not exist," "universes," "I act different to certain people," "I can't remember my relationship with certain people," "man, I messed up," "anger," "disappointment," and "back-up plans"... does that mean I'm also cutting myself off from actual.. er.. "inspiration" for the things.. God.. that I do? Not to mention "what is it that we do?". That didn't help at all. Wait a minute. This has absolutely nothing to do with last night. As in- this is not even the same.. ah hell, here we go.

One of the things that got me earlier. Two things, actually. Hah. Hah. There is always absolute Hell in trying to defend Kanye West. There. Simple. Let's say defending Kanye West has absolutely nothing to do with the man himself. He's only famous for the fact that he symbolizes the exact situation that I am actually trying to defend. Kind of like Obama (because I thought of Chicago). I mean, that's what "idols" are (and I mean "idols" as famous people in general) there for. They represent an intricate ideal. That's why no one is "the one famous person". You become a fan of one particular thing because that represents that situation. I actually don't care if I'm saying anything new- remember that. But I'm just saying- to defend Kanye is to defend that one ideal of "what I am doing/saying is being translated horribly wrong". Like, jumping the gun. Like, trying to lift something heavy when you haven't even considered building muscles. As in- not ready YET. As in- maybe I need to grow up- once again. Or. Maybe I'm just not wrong.

Other thing was remembering something that could have been considered insanely passive-aggressive over the summer. I mean, how often do people around here blatantly use the words "main character" in reference to real life? Ok, first things first. I'm not saying I'll ever do so, but for someone to call themselves a main character is actually justifiable. I think I'm treading over old grounds (hah) so, I won't even justify that statement- which doesn't need to be justified because it is actually a kind-hearted thing, really. It's one of those things, you know? "Importance of self" (in social situations) is just a matter of moderation. I'm fine. No new lessons. Really just an argument of how "cool" it is to hate yourself vs. how "cool" it is to hate other people. Then there is just the absolutely honest and pure reality of "I have never heard any of those words". So, I'm fine. I just want to talk about that last part with someone before I finally decide what I mean.

Those two things kind of topped off this mood of today. Finding out that no matter what, I'm still going to look like I'm saying/doing mean, untrustable things? Even if the thing I was attempting is fool-proof? Maybe it's because i forget how I look when I'm doing it. I'm just fat :(

Yo.

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Update

Yeah. Today, which is (can't stress this enough) completely not like me, I've gotten a ergh "short temper". I didn't even mention that I was getting ugh "frustrated" with the fam today. Shame that I put a negative outlook about them before I even said anything positive about how I feel about them. You know- because I don't even talk about "fam". Whoa. My God. I just said "feel"("yeah but didn't he talk about 'feeling ok' earlier?"). Ha. Hah. Actually, that just explains this entire thing. It has to just be today. So in that big old open world, I am just a nice, creative (y'all can't stress that enough) young man. Fat too! :P And once every almost-never, I can just be "man he mean"- and that'll be by complete accident. I'm a man of ideas. That's who.
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and then. whoa forgot. oh yeah. how you're not allowed to bring up anything. you're only allowed to be reviewed. I'm being cruel, I think this is making it worse. As long as no one blatantly copies what I'm saying here. I've been sucked in. 1. I wanted to ignore the 'writing' side of things (this) 2. Forcing myself to ignore is just the same as ignoring anything that isn't an internal conflict.
Bottom line- last night was fun. My friends and I went to a show. I got a free dvd.

Farthest

Well, isn't it? The farthest I've gotten? I wouldn't think so but it actually may as well just be that. The farthest anyone or anything has gotten. Eh, now is not the time. Good luck, though.


It brings up a good point. A charity organization that updates its followers with inspiring quotes. But how often is too often when it comes to reading quotes? How far do people actually want to read? What if it was a celebrity updating what is going on in his or her life with quotes that got them to where they are now? Would fans be annoyed or inspired? These words (of wisdom or even phrases that result in "heh") are literally what go on in this person's head, but I am imagining that somehow these words can go unheeded. Ah first, though, if you literally don't see it then that's a different story. I am talking about pure annoyance with someone that you are a fan of. What the hell could it possibly mean to be a fan of someone? How far do you reasearch into someone's life without either: falling in or out of love, or using this knowledge to enhance your own? Then again the latter type of person couldn't even be considered a fan as much as a soon-to-be colleague. Whoa. Look, really I am specifically recording my thoughts immediately after seeing the page for To Write Love on Her Arms. Then, I thought of how what they post differs from what one average citizen might post. It's kind of merging with my thoughts of friends getting offended that I might be able to quote certain things as they come up. Eh, that's something else. Not far off, seeing as it deals with annoyance. I believe you always happen to read quotes at the perfect moments. Whatever that means. Here, the point is that you should kind of follow what would even provoke one person to quote another and at what moments. "Should." But not necessary. No should is really too necessary.

Companionship. You can't really be with someone that you don't really connect with, or someone that you can't easily talk endlessly to. Any relationship, basically. I'm not saying these opinions are mine. I'm thinking, one can have a dog as a companion and of course feel unfulfilled in the conversation aspect. But what about forgetting the qualities you're looking for? What if you begin to talk to a dog or anything else so much that you've just become busy? What if you let the human-thing set it, and you create your own motivation to keep on talking or keep on sitting-next-to. Maybe even the life-partner sense can work out. How have people been ignoring that their spouse "doesn't get it"? Maybe someone who "get's it" can only be with someone who "doesn't get it". The people closest to them will get it. That can be fine enough.

Well, I wonder if this worked at all. Those are my points. Just to keep me going, for like a split second, you know. Other than that... Heh well, just got word that I might be doing.... something.... in January. I hesitate to explain that I'm not giving exact detail yet.

I'm in the school registration process. Oh yeah of course. You know by know, right. Ugh. You. Still, if I can keep my head out of the mucky idea of what college used to be and what college actually is, then I'll be good. What college actually is versus what I'm actually doing are really perpendicular. Not necessarily clashing though. Fine. Skew. Hah irony. I've been talking about how horrifying Geometry was to me, and now look. Eh. Very small irony, yet big also since I used geometry humor. Wait, but that wasn't a joke. Ok stop. Like I said. If an academic career can be foiled simply by a chance disappearance of a classroom's folder, then I'm forced into skepticism.
What?

Last week is over. Haha. Good. It was very tyrannical. I didn't even know it. I cured. It must have been a good weekend. I still have a big off egg white crust on my sleeve. Possibly still a little bit of dog poit on the bottom of my shoe, as well. You can tell Matthew is going to be in the picture more often, soon.

This just in.. My mom just brought in an envelope, asking "Could this be for you and Tash?" The envelope was addressed to: Big Bro and Sister. There's no return address. I, eating leftovers, just said something about the possibility of anthrax. I'm not even sure what the state of the anthrax scare is, anymore. The post mark says it's from Michigan. I just finished eating, so I am more willing to try to open it. Gah. I hope it's a letter from the future. That's always my hope.

Wish me luck.

Back. I opened the envelope, carefully. Inside was a folded white sheet of paper. I pulled it out, and inside were two portrait-like photos of two young boys. Christ. I hate finding stuff like that. On the backs were their names and current ages. My first thoughts (I think even before turning them around to see the actual photos) were that I was supposed to be some assassin or bounty hunter. Now listen up. I don't even like that type of fiction. All I can say is that anyone else may have had the same thoughts. My minions told me that those were the first two options :). Really, that thought went away as soon as it arrived. Then of course came the "letter from the future" thing again. Well. These two boys are brown. I'll be damned if they're my offspring. Especially the one marked "Zach". I hate this kid. Hah, actually he looks like the boy from the George Lopez show. The sitcom, I mean. You know. I had to watch it on my Chicago trip. Rabbit ears.

Nope. I'll never have those two particular boys. They're no good. See, there's no telling though. An envelope with no return address. That's either attributed to forgetfulness, lack of envelope etiquette, or hell. From the future. Come on. And in the end of it all- please just let me have my imagination. I wonder whatever happened to that one girl that I met a couple times as a kid. Her uncle or family friend or just some older guy kept teasing her about having an extra toe. No telling if she actually did have an extra toe. But then I guess it wouldn't be a tease-able thing if it were true. I think I was just sitting off to the side, bored. I wonder if I actually made friends with those kids. I think it might have been their mom that was friends with my dad. Now I remember the lady's name because it was the first time I ever heard the name Reina. My dad told me it meant "queen". I keep visualizing this.. these streets that kind of look like they belonged in an unfinished neighborhood. I remember walking around... or being forced out of common courtesy to walk around... with her kids. Something about juice, too. Gah, that's just going to make me think about Ralph. And Beverly. Weird periods of time with my dad's friends. My dad's friends who just happened to have kids for me to play with.

Wait. I'm still talking about these two bastards that got sent to me in the mail. What, am I doing charity now? Christ, who are these kids? The obvious answer would be to send them to the correct address, right? Nah. This is the address that was written on the letter. Minus the "northeast" part. Wait, there were previous renters. The only reason I didn't think about that is because I had heard about the guy who was here in between us living here. He kicked holes in the walls, apparently. Who the hell would send pictures of young men to a man like that? In that case, the family... or friends.... will sort that out, amongst themselves. It's probably just some pathological gift someone just sent me as a cruel, Hank joke. Other than that, I'll just exploit the hell out of these pictures... no, no, they bother me too much. I would just kind of jokingly use them as placeholders in books at the most. And I won't burn them. I won't burn these pictures literally because I'm suspicious of the fact that I'm even thinking about burning them in the first place. Sigh. Look. I'll leave them where they are. I don't know the name for that particular article of furniture, but that's where they are. Sort of tucked under the paper towel my mom uses to collect incense ashes. There.

No one could have possibly expected this, but this is what happened. It happened to me in the middle of some odd writing practice I was doing. Good enough. I won't forget it. And speaking of which, I don't want to forget the other details. On my way to the piece of furniture I just mentioned, I did stop in the kitchen. I almost placed the envelope and pictures on the counter. That would have been too much. No, but my mom had just cooked these little apple tarters or something. Very good. A thin pie crust with chunks of green apple, with some sort of caramel-like (it very well may be caramel. or home-made caramel) sauce, and toffee chips. I've already forgotten them. There's plenty left, but I wanted to test whether or not I could hold off on devouring a dessert immediately. See. I'm good. Thing kinda have to be good. Gah, to think. The one thing that I have a tinge of doubt about right now is just.. my other life. My 1st 'other' life. I'm feeling iffy about.. ok there's got to be a different 'venue' for me to talk honestly about the..ugh.. comedy team. There's nothing "ugh" about it, but a very harsh change of pace. Minions telling me "no, don't." but I've got it. There's no right way. I'm feeling very good about the state of this topic (and we all like to think we're caring the most out of anyone) but there are very tiny little frays that could become problems later. I don't know. That's something I'd have to talk about. "Talk" about.

Well, then. It's good. Plus, I'm offended by the word "good". Plus, I can't tell if I'm saying "I'm offended" as a habit that Nick has rubbed off onto me. Now, if I was really in a paranoia-ish mood, then I'd completely change my wording of that last sentence. Current mood: lounge. Back hurts, and I'm just now realizing I didn't take the walk I planned for today. Craig. Ah well.

This worked.

Wave

Yeah, ok. Maybe I can do it here finally. I've been trying to write something decent about the past couple of days. You know. Computer has been virus'd for about a week or so. I actually don't remember. But it's almost necessary now to even admit to using a computer. Here it is.

Even still- to have written about the past few days. Isn't that something? That's what I've been doing this year. Well, I won't go into it as it is another "you can't enjoy the year when you're describing everything that happens" or something, but that's some of it. Either way, it's now November.. and even more surprising, it's a little after November 11th. There's no way to document what that means to me, but that is just fast.

Just as well, it's doing that whole daylight savings thing. Well, something has to have just come over me. I was telling myself that I am beginning to finally lose memory.. but then I realized that I actually haven't been doing anything enough to remember anything. I don't know. I can probably look back on this period of time as just "hospital visits and nothing happening". Yeah, I think it's safe to say "nothing is happening," whether or not it's true, at this point. Well, I guess, nothing was happening there for a moment.. Now I'm into the school application process. Er.

Well before it's too late, I've been wanting to say "you'll see," a lot. It doesn't work here. It's not the same as me automatically thinking the words "Follow Me" when I put a pen to a piece of paper or the back of a notebook. It's important. It's important for me to know, at least. I've been needing to make some point. I keep thinking of things to day and it just resolves in "you'll see". Who? Whatever. Whatever that stuff in the air is is doing a number of things to me. Besides the forgetting, it's making me feel unsure of myself, if that's the right way to say it. I keep thinking I need to make one good point, one good thing to say, and then I won't be so agitated. I guess I can't explain. Actually, it's like that paranoia feeling... oh boy.. which brings up the past couple of days which I have yet to bring up. One thing to be said before that, though. Forgetting, paranoia, trying to make some delusional point, and these "heavy" dreams. Eh, actually sounds like certain side effects. Mental crap. It's not the same. It's missing something. But isn't that how it always takes over? Making you think that something different is happening? Tell myself "it's probably only the weather", "it's probably only a hormone"?

I tried to explain this week many times. Maybe I'd have to wait until it's over? Well, I don't want to forget by that time. Isn't that what this week is about? The ability to forget? Well, according to what I just said, it's one among other things. I'm not sure if I'm willing to forget, yet. I worry. The first sign of this.. actually was on Sunday. So I'm clear? Something got me into a mode. I was thinking about this year's end fading into a whole other year. 2011? That one? I hope I'm not lying around in bed, some day in the middle of 2011. It'll happen. I hope I'm not just sitting on a phone chatting about what could-be-about-to-be as the sun goes down, next year. It's like, I have a very particular conversation with people, mapping out exactly what can happen and how to do it, and then a week happens. Fide's right. Somebody's out there setting the parameters. Changing the waves so we think in a different direction, every couple of seconds. Why do we keep switching it around? Do we all have a different idea of how things go or is somebody just doing some dastardly stuff to us? Right. I just imagined it. Going back to school, probably having the gall to move out of this house.. this safe house.. and it just turns into 'hanging out' or 'hanging around' for another ghastly amount of time. Paradox of "I just can't wait on other people". Really, though. What is the one thing? There is no one thing. That again. Those again. Do I really see myself doing what I want to be doing in 2011? Joke is on you. I'm the only one optimistic, here.

Right. That was Sunday. Inward. Then, Monday was the time I stepped foot outdoors. What a hellfire. I just went to the bank, and then onto reading a book. Then the book made me think for a bit. Then those thoughts reminded me of my dad. So I called him. I mindlessly ran into Hank. Espresso. He told me his story. His story. You never know. I've never considered biographies. I heard what I wanted to hear, I suppose. Hm, but the more I tell the events of the day, the more I realize that we all might be in the same mood. Under that same ol' wave that must've come over me. Well, not really based on him or anything. That just gave me a story to tell. Also, I might have imagined seeing a certain person that I know, but I didn't look back. Hard to explain, but there was a person sitting on a car whose face I didn't have time to look at. I don't know.

How I just keep coming back and wondering what I must have just written about. I actually don't remember the very last thing I said. Oh right. Yeah, Monday. Someone's offers to take you to a place, you go. Finished a book that night. Conan premiered. Still, a lot of talk about "I just saw the devil" that no one can really take back. It really just creeps into your brain. That again reminds me of the dreams I must be having this week. I think I caught one, but I don't remember. They've been kicking me old school.

Two days this week I've gone to the school to turn something in. Both times, I run into Nathan and Matthew. It just happens. To go any farther into talking about that'd just be stress. I ended up at "political club" today. I must've been a fool. I really just stay in comfort zones. I've done everything, though. Someone must be keeping me sheltered. Well, whatever. That's this week. Eh, I'm getting that negative "school" feeling, I guess. I'll see. I can't tell if this is like the tiptoe of the year, though. What does November look like?

I hope I snap out of it. Or back into something else. September was a good one. Except the 25th. You'd think I'd have nerves of steel by now, but I guess I lack experience. Hell. I don't know if I've been in some 'twilight of my own secret thoughts' though because I'm regenerating old mindsetsahhellwhatever. Not to mention, I didn't even mention "After All". That'll never happen.

Goodness. Ha.

Might As Well

Alright, then.
I guess the actual thing that's on my mind (after erasing a couple of sentences) is the whole thought of.. er. 'if you only had ___ to live' and stuff like that. I mean. I don't know how I am with that. I guess I've been waiting for me to finally figure out what it means to me. You know, kind of like when you've known of a certain famous person all of your life, but you're just not ready to know about him or her? More like when you hear a 'fact of life' or someone's motto and you've always thought that you knew what it meant.. Hell, I guess now is the time I finally delve into 'you only live once'. I guess knowing that I'm going to make it in the end isn't enough, right now. It's like I'm kind of preparing for the day where I find out I only have one day left. I guess I don't know enough of the world for me to find out about a last thing that I can do right now. Anything I'd want to do anytime soon, I'd rather just see develop. Not the process, just ugh. Processes make me run away, actually. So, no. Like, I know how easy everything is- within reason.

Honestly. It still confuses me. Yeah, I realized that I can actually get "confused". I guess I have to just look at it how it is.. "one day to live". Well, I could be breathing mold right now and that's deadly. I might, honestly, pass away soon. Unexpectedly. How much should I worry, thinking that I might actually just expire within months? It doesn't really bother me a whole lot, until I think about all the stuff they'd find in my notebooks and other writings. Ha, really, I'm just thinking about the many people who already have no idea what to make of the things I have had to say. That's a whole other story, maybe. I don't claim to be misunderstood or nothin'.

Ok screw it. "Current mood: Embarrassed.. Mortified.." I don't know. It doesn't matter what causes these things and how I resolve them or could have resolved them. I know that there's got to be a point where you can literally just redeem yourself. I shouldn't just take several tiny, yet huge, embarrassing moments and just say "ok, I'll just make jokes or movies about them so they won't be so horrifying to remember." I really, really have got to talk to these people about these ambiguous moments. I've got to find out, or let them find out, what can be reasonable in these situations. Of course, I won't be able to track down other folks, but if the things have just happened.. then I should say something. How can you really just be honest when it comes to people who.. matter? Really, on that note, how does one really at least try to get someone to do what's right? Wow. In a way, once again, it feels like heh being a puppeteer, for lack of better metaphors. Then after thinking, it's back to how I felt before the summer. Where several people are making me up. I'm several peoples' puppet? Nah, whatever, that's all stupid. This is stupid. Really stupid, all of it. This is actually just very stupid, and I couldn't be having a better time talking about how stupid this actually is.

I'm typing. What in the hell could that attribute to me doing what I want to do? I'm holding back, by the way. A lot. Because I have additional ideas, that aren't able to just be typed. They're the things that you see after you read this that's kind of "oh, that must be what caused him to do this'. Stupid. I've been losing brainpower, recently. That can literally, literally mean few things. Willful loss of brain? Me? No, actually, never. Ha.

This is awful. Nothing's awful, just this is awful. I know a person who just did the stupidest thing I can think of. I know him. Heh, to say the least. I know a person who has actually given up on things that they just "don't see happening". I know a couple of folks who just won't do things, and seem to wonder why they have to continue with their regular lives. I know a guy who I know I can't fully trust, but I really don't even care. Yet, I instinctively care. I know someone who literally will not make sense to me at all. That's what I know right now. That must be what's on my mind. This is ridiculous. All over the place. Where have I been? How do I know I haven't had this same mind-state before? This is probably how I felt, back in January, where I had not previously been "typing".

All year, I've had one set of things on my mind. I didn't say a word. Thought I said something, but no. Now, I've come back from Chicago, uttering quotes that I didn't think I'd remember. Now I'm back in a business-man state of mind. Now I'm trying to "network". That conflicts with everything I was, most of this year.

I think the wind is right.. something's in proper alignment ONLY for me to be able to safely say.. "I'm confused." And since context has to be an issue, it's literally just thoughts about real life. Real. Real. Real. Life. Li-li-life life. NOT the "real world" that older people warn you about. That's still nonsense. Alright, fine. I am unable to cope with the embarrassment, practically because I'm not talking about it. So, no use.

Also, I am unable to go from this to doing what I want about "one life to live" stuff. It wouldn't work. I'll still try. But really. "Being alive is so weird."

Swell

This is how I react to getting stung by a bee. It happened four days ago. Don't worry, I am probably a little bit allergic. This was my first ever sting, so it's pretty good. It actually came at a time that I needed it the most. My shoe was digging into the back of my heel, and the sting actually just numbed or out-did the other pain. I must be dissolving, since that "mind over matter" thing from last year isn't working.

Besides that, I'm kind of "I wish I had more time to prepare for the past." You know what happens. Stuck in some other day, and the future hits you on the back of the head. Nothing is ever the "furthest thing from my mind," and why can I not remember? Almost everything I ever knew just took a hike. No doubt I was blabbering and drooling and dispensing growls.

That's when I finally realized what people mean when they claim not to understand what I'm talking about. I never get around to it. Ok, fine. It's probably the purest from of "saying what I am thinking" because the actual main ideas and responses are in my head, but the details and "reminds me of" are already out before I even have the chance to speak. See? When I just now did that.. this situation was equal to when you see someone typing next to you, and you glance down to see that they wrote something interesting. "Heh." er "huh."

I can imagine trying to avoid situations where you'd be dumber than the folks around you. I can imagine. I can imagine trying to. I can remember examples of this situation, though. The only right move is to give up. There's no one there to have your back.

Anyway, as far I can remember... "I'm surprised there wasn't an explosion." Surprised there was no "this group doesn't make any sense." It did make sense, always. It just depends on who is holding the camera. In that case, I'd be the radical. Weeks of taking some person on a tour of your closest friends. Various people. Some don't return. Then, some don't return.

I left out a lot of days that actually happened. Those friend tours are never a full-on experience. They're all free trials, I guess. Sign up. It's already a mutually accepted embarrassment to agree to having a "group" of friends, so I'll be honest. Yeah, my friends are perfect, but shouldn't they actually be more 'friend' than 'perfect?' Not true. Imperfection is the only reason you ever find friends. Their weak spot is exactly your way in. I'm beginning to think, though, that my friends are built for me. I mean, that's why I tried to oust the whole "this is my group of friends and we rock" type of thing, but I think we have certain skull shapes and certain mixes of chemicals. If I am correct, then I can prove it.

Other than that, the test results will take a while. They will take one long day, one short day, one 24 hour-long night, one day to reassemble, and one day to prepare. Should arrive on the summit of the week's end.

That's why it's form-fitting, though. If you've stood through all life has made you do, and you find out that you've done a lousy job... then "oops." Step on your neighbor's dog's toe. It yelps. You say "oops." Your neighbor's dad reassures his family, "he said 'oops'" as if it was ok and settled. You ask for passage into the afterlife. You stepped on a lot of folks, but not on purpose. You've said "oops" a whole lot. You can't be wrong. This has happened a lot. There's no turning back to do things the right way, and every time you fill the cracks of your mistakes.. you're rewarded with something that's just "ok." Perfecting something wasn't a hassle at all, apparently. What I mean is: you can't be wrong if it is 'your way.' You know, something you've already heard. I just don't see how it didn't take the same amount of time.

I'm straying into an entirely different idea. Something I've wanted to say for a while. It only works in conversation, I suppose. One-sided ones.

Anyway, if it truly is "all of that and then just... this" then I truly have nothing to worry about. Another case of "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

I know. At this point, I'm dreaming of celebration. "Time to celebrate my career" types. I'm just flavored water, waiting to be frozen into an... "ice pop." It'd be perfect for me to ironically say "I can't wait for the summer." Oh no, I can. Elevator tryin' to crash. Waiting for the phone to destroy. You know, now there's a little green squiggle. I wonder how far it'll reach.

I wish that I can find a proper, happy ending or a conclusion to my current phase in life. If that makes sense. I only wished, for the sake of the clock. When I am given the chance to wish, then I might as well. When I am given a book, then I have to do that thing that people do when they can't believe it. Read it.

So, here I am.

Shreads

Brainpower. Like, it does everything when it's turned off. I'm good. It's almost like a snack. A lot of them.

Ok, so, kind of like what I wrote down as a note. Writers don't get to say anything because they say too much. I'd rather do something else and throw in some words. In that regard, I'm almost ashamed.

Not sure where to start off, but nah I am a person who someone is mad at. I've been on an accidental rampage. Accidentally destroying from the inside out. Stealing free cats and vandalizing some vandalism. Cutting ties, impossibly. Maybe resentment is a good way to leave folks.

With that on my shoulders, I turned into packages of ice cream, last night. I woke up as personal editions for someone to spend the night sulking above. I was that and it's ok because I "trip" people out. I spooked folks. I was quoted. Next level.

I think I was given a little bit of a prize. I could probably sleep. Oh yeah, that's what I've been trying to do for weeks. A week. Not the sleep, but the chance. At least I got my mustache taken off, quickly. Offending, warpath. All by mistake. It's ok, I must be right.

I won't forget, for a tiny bit. I just think.. I forgot. Fine.

Nigh. It is.

Speak

"Forget looking good! I am in pain!" - Just written down, here. Reminds me, "when I hear the word 'freedom,' I think of a sandwich." Has to be.

Ok, well, I've been getting word that there's possibilities of a good weekend. It kind of presents itself as either a climax or a reward. Like a way to point out that things don't happen according to the written record of weeks, months, and hot dates. Ouch.

Yeah, though. Whoa, I accidentally, heh, "good" weekend. I mean. Hell, it's positive. Anyway, mine and their days off. Experimentals. Then, just every day I try to tickle the thought of happen-to-be. Just, the entire time, my chest hurts worse than a lot of things. Might need a bigger boat, though.

If I don't get anxious, then I have a treasure chest. I have a bruised treasure chest. An embarrassing chest that has gained me a green bruise of a golden chest. If it spreads, then I can't do much for treasure. Hard to keep my posture.

Who is letting me do these things? Flawless. I will pack my opening statement, my review, my resume, and my pitch. Some head-shots. Just to prove that I am able to get away with hopping the fence. My poor eyebrows. They've had it the worst.

Trouble, too. Not here, but in old words from today. Old worlds from today. All the same hour- I dare you to travel. I hope you do not enjoy your trip- that's mine. Not mine, though.

Almost as if my fingers are just too good for this. Wow, I walked around in those places, and I hope you will too. I've been planting the scenery as well because I can't remember these places not looking familiar. He's some non-exist. I hope there's a shooting. That megaphone. Thank goodness, nah go for God. More relevant.

Allowed to. Tips of these things. Nah, it's ok. I'm in pain, with no response. Familiarity, all over again. Ouch. Why don't people who claim to be in pain repeat the word "ouch" just in case some one hears? "Wow, you must hurt pretty bad, lol. What's going on?"

No, ouch, though.

Crazy

Last night didn't help it. One of those walks. Then comments. I was flushed into some weird bind I couldn't have possibly gotten out of. One of those things that cause a loss of sleep. I slept fine, but it didn't stop. A chance to confront the pinnacle of my current anxiety. No, I mean I actually feel weird. Like, actually having gone off the deep end. Thinking of a way to respond, thinking of every possible response. First thing this morning was about that show on the History Channel about the seven deadly sins. Envy. Explaining how a lot of stuff is just based in envy, you know? Wise enough to cut through the bs and the guilt that being engrossed would cause, I realize that Freud showed up again. Then, my mom walks in with Battleship, the board game er whatever. Two things involved in what I've been thinking lately.

We were supposed to do Twill today. I had finally tried to explain that I really have no time for Twill. It's just so stupid. It bores me, I get nothing out of it. That's not usually me, but I'm just too exhausted about it to explain. It's an exhausted idea. It's bland, and anything involving a dirt road dries me to no end. It's illegitimate and unrewarding. Like work. It is work, and anything I offer my imagination cannot be work. "It's not genuine." I am not starting a "band" and I do not want to. Not under these circumstances.

Then, Nick. His name is Nick. What the hell? I have a friend named Nick? Since when? Doesn't sound right. Still, he was to be coming into town. He was just in Florida. The relevance is just that he was also talking to me at the same time as Grant.

Both sides of my birthday. If you shave both their heads, you'd get a yin yang on the floor. Not black and white, unless you convert to grayscale. They're both speaking as if to make plans for later on. I also wanted to try for buying a camera. Options for the day. Nothing happens. Meanwhile, I'm still thinking about the fact that there are 3 other people who I do not ever see, all thinking about the same thing. Same as that author. One person having these thoughts for legitimate reasons, wondering how someone who couldn't possibly have legitimate reasoning look so genuine, the friend who is going through similar circumstances and ambiguous as to whether or not this is actually a mutual mindset. Which scares me away from the website. Anything I say may just come off as "trying to impress."

Then the word 'crazy'

Then, explaining myself. Not explaining why you're using these words. Not making any sense. Therefore, no help. It's a Friday night. Work tomorrow. How I can only think of all of the things I just said, while I am slicing a box open, and cramming packaged foods onto a shelf. Coming home, and looking at things related to what I must have been thinking about. My graduation test scores. My diploma. All of my old drawings that could not have been done by me. Thinking about how this is legitimacy. Thinking about how if I had to explain turning this into a career, all that would come up is the folks who did it for and because of admiration. Because of and for envy.

Envy vs. Inspiration. Admiration vs. Legitimacy.

When you were in a place you didn't want to be because of that mindset. When all of your friends are out doing things, whether or not you want to do them. When they can buy things you don't even want. Betraying your own beliefs- true beliefs. Regretting the betrayal of yourself. Not believing in a type of person. Follow. Realizing that you didn't believe in a type of person after experimenting with a mindset that you found because of your original mindset. See, now it's not making sense to me even.

I mean, the Windy Hill house. I ended up there because I had all these conflicting ideas about the whole college and job thing. Whatever. Ah yes. The location of this place, not only bringing the home and capability envy, but introduced me to the source of the question of the legitimacy. So both sides. Oooh, I cannot even begin to get on a steady track to explaining this. I need to get it to one final point before I can leave it alone.

I keep wondering whether or not to get a camera. Now because of the whole envy thing, I can't tell if my reasoning for getting one will be legitimate. Well hell, I got a phone out envy. And a house. Or did those things that I seemed envious of push me into getting them, therefore bettering myself? Am I being subliminally fed then need of a camera? What will I do with a camera? Use it to explain to others my ideas- aka impressing folks? Do I actually plan on making things that I want to make because I want to make them, or do I plan on making bait to attract all the crap that comes with blah. Is it so I get to have a say-so in what is filmed and what is not? Envy, again? Do I think these girls think this way because of what I happen to be reading about? What if House-Buying is just womb-envy? Am I that automaton that I wrote that essay about last year? The automaton that, instead of anyone else, I gave a connection to Eliza Doolittle?

Tupac said he recorded three songs a day- in the context of being "paranoid" about death.

Johnny Depp sees Ed Wood as a director who wasn't necessarily bad but a director who obviously wanted to get his vision out there.

Well, there it is. The challenge. If I do get a camera, I owe it to myself to make sure to do something with it every day. I mean, if it is legitimate, then shouldn't have a problem. Envy may come and go, but anything that shows up that often can't necessarily be a sin. Hm, possible burden of only making new ideas instead of working with the old. If I'm working with myself, then what about the un-used collaboration ideas. What if collaboration days are numbered? Actually limited by high school? The stupid "quote" that goes with that obviously isn't showing up in my brain. Something about not looking back. Still- If I really mean it, then I will really stick to it. As long as I don't think I'm "committing" to anything. Whatever makes sense. Sense and nonsense never betrayed anyone.

I don't know why they're speaking this language. Maybe it's a long term effect of what happens after the attached becomes detached. Chameleon. Galatea. I must admire what I created. Even if it wasn't me.

Lawlz, peac.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Once you have established the goals you want and the price you’re willing to pay, you can ignore the minor hurts, the opponent’s pressure and the temporary failures.” Vince Lombardi

"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." (Lao Tzu)

via the actor Edoardo Ballerini- the first one was someone else's comment, though.

Actual

Ok, of course. Woke up at Grant's. Woke up a bunch of times, but waited until 8:45 like we said we would. In the middle of the night, Fide kept complaining about how cold he was. I woke up and saw him, there, sleeping with the green screen wrapped around him. The sight of that. I kept waking up before the alarm, though, and had like 2 or more dreams of when we actually eventually woke up. One of the dreams was one of those situations where I'm up before everyone (like in real life) and I start to wander around. I ended up finding some vending machines outside. One had plastic bags of already opened snacks, in the part where you get your food. I knew that because I figured, if I ever owned vending machines, I'd put unfinished snacks back where they came from. I wouldn't though.

My alarm finally went off, and I saw them kind of react. They just didn't get up. Wasted a good 2 hours. First thing I talked about was the concept of Nate Dogg that I find to be really funny. I would have imported the night's footage, by myself, but I wouldn't know how. Ugh. So, I just started making a new little song. Odd, though. Finished off two of the songs I mentioned from last night. I had to work at 12 so I ate the last of the breadsticks, and we left. I was dropped off at home and my mom took me to work.

An in-credib-ly slow work day. For the first two hours, at least. Then, whatever. I guess, that'd have to be it. Oh reminds me I should mention to mom that she didn't come in for that test she signed up for. Some free physical test, where a guy at a table sits there and talks to people or something. I think there's a machine, but I have no idea what the deal is. He's just set up in front of the bulk section. Doesn't talk to any of us. Of course, except when Tash took her test that she also signed up for. Gah, I was in the same section he was in front of, and I couldn't explain a thing. Except how the first guy signed up looked like Redd Foxx, just darker. I also remember how the tester guy got a phone call in the middle of this guy's test and I found it really funny to think about how the guy is supposed to react. I wanted to get an obnoxiously long shot of the guys face as he's waiting for the test-guy's phone to stop ringing.

I had no idea what I was doing for that first part, though. Nothing to be done. I looked lost because it was so slow. I should have been anxious, but it was just frenzy in my mind. Not any worries. Just "you seriously can't expect me to pretend to be busy." Some new mode. When I was picked up, I ate this new sandwich that i don't remember. No way to enjoy tasting food. Not in the 'organic whole cloves' reference way, but in the way of 'the fact that people think taking something slow will make it more enjoyable.' Which is actually the same reference. "Dude, I read this part in that book you were reading." I mean to say-- Actually I found my answer now. The slow part means to study the senses of the action, in order to kind of think back on it again. So, if I had eaten any slower, I could eat it any other time I want. Drag and drop.

Good sandwich, kinda. Nit.

Twenty Eight Too Late

Finished that library book that got wet yesterday. Strange bump on my arm that may have just been a bite. Always hard to digest when reading about bites and bumps on skin. Just found out what I look like. Monster-ish. Haircut, probably. I'll get straightened out. I guess it takes a while.

I mean, no matter how I fought it, I did eventually get some type of used to Windy Hill. So, it'll be over one month alone. Things aren't settling yet, though. Imagine the wake-up call today. "Your job has brainwashed you." Don't you think I know? It's my brain, of course I know when it's not doing what it should. This was earlier today when Grant and Fide clearly called me on speaker phone, while on the bus to some field trip. I won't find out until later, what the trip was. All of my answers to their questions were just that drastically normal "uh.. yeah?" and "...sure" that show not much of a character. They thought they saw a huge change in their friend. The least likely of anyone they knew to fall into some mind-numbed normality. Without a doubt, the least likely to.

In what became their little experiment, their antics were pure exploitation. Me- exploited. That's the only unlikely thing I cared for. Behold. The transformation into... "normal." Literally, literally, a reverse-freakshow. Still, little does anyone know, I actually am very basically immune to brainwash. That's all I can say about that, really. I should mention qualities of myself, when I'm trying to mention qualities of who they think I've become. Really, it's not that much of a mantle anymore. Once you've gotten past each conversation you have with yourself when you're of a certain issue. "Let Me Live My Life Man."

Common theme of today- just the ever-presence of the word "life." It's either all just life, or it's all just words. Not only one thing and that's it, but I mean the big IT is either all of it or it's just what people think it is- both in addition to what it turns out to be. All of the things it turns out to be. I think I might've thought, the other night, that "is" is probably all there is. Past, present, future types of folks. Not that whole thing. Actually.

"...tomorrow is taking too long, and yesterday is too far away. and the reality of what you believe in begins to bind."

The quote eventually leads back to the issue of trust. The first topic from the first moment of New Year's Eve. Who knew? If anyone wants to trust in me, I wouldn't disappoint.. eventually. No, get this- either it's the whole "nobody is spending that much time thinking about you." or there actually are those situations where generally anyone shows any type of interest in anything I do, and I kind of set them up for something good- but then I just disappoint. I just wonder if anyone else has this character trait about them.. Still, this year so far, one example of trusting in me happened and that's why I'm here. This house may just be a "promised" land. No, I'm not putting too much importance in myself, that's actually what happened. I was supposed to come back and fix things. Hah. Undo that little knot that the House-Buyers got themselves into. Really, I don't think anything can stop the House-Buyers from just feeling righteous about buying houses eventually. If I didn't know any better, it looks like the way to actually Buy-A-House is to start out with Renting-A-House. A little training wheels game.

This group of friends was just House-Buyers. Like the Hope Diamond. Each previous owner is cursed, and probably rightfully so because of what a diamond actually is. That's half what my mom said. She said the coincidence is just in their bad energies. I'd add on the idea that if I absolutely had to just own a diamond, I can literally just see a cartoon image of myself throwing it over my head and behind my back into the mud. The same as gold. What on earth is jewelry? Too easy. Still, how House-Buying is like the Hope Diamond: you'd better make sense of your goals quick. What could you be talking about? Again, for myself:

"You'd better make sense of your goals quick."

There. House-Buyers. A House-Buying situation. Over.

While I'm At

Ok, cool. I can't find that thing I was writing. I just wrote it, sitting on my bed. Where would it just be. It's not in my file cabinet drawer of old notebooks and sketchbooks. Not where it 'should' just be. I must be out of it. That's how I kind of was earlier. I was actually lost at work today. Unable to end a 2-sentence conversation, not knowing that a door can be pulled open, thinking someone is not talking to me. That doesn't happen to me. Not so blurrily. Now that is was hours ago, it can actually just have been a dream. I'd hate to admit it, but this must just be what "high" is. So degrading, but through no influence. I know for fact that's what the same "feeling" is. Yet, there is the idea of the 13 year old "whoa that movie was trippy lol, I must be on drugs" eyeing the approval of whoever showed the movie in the first place. Sweat and grogginess in the film as some goal to be acheived on some seasonal night of the year.

Like Justin, biting my lip to see if I'm gone yet. {bites bottom lip}
No.
My only point of reference is that burst of "Oh my god, I'm not here! I'm not here" or any other hot air balloon feeling in your head that I am trying to legitimately say is a feeling I feel and have felt for the larger number of my days. I'm not the gaggle of coworkers telling you "I'm just having one of my days" or joking about someone else being "special." How have I known those conversations before even knowing what it is to have a coworker? It's like you can pick up on it. The nights you actually do something to "not be here." Before that, the entire day is full of things happening and remarks you only could have made after the fact.
Still. What was it? That vision of everything being kind of watercolor.
After 3:15, only. The entire day before that, was just self-indulgent. Then I get back to my new routine, and... I have no idea what my new routine is. Looking uncoordinated. Causing others to slow down. Yet, obviously the clock is faster than usual. It's possible.

Still, for the past hour or so, I had been looking for that notebook. No idea which one. It's like when someone doesn't recognize a new person. This particular notebook only existed that one day, and then left. "Peace out." Well, while that may be- I still don't know where it is.

Now- if people can truly just make gold and kind of keep it under a mattress, then I don't know. At a stand still about us who leave a trail behind for spontaneous un-reasons.

Gave myself an idea of where to look, though. Also gave me relativity to someone else's though. Always accomplishment, somehow. Oh yeah and I sent this message:

"For the sake of it all, it's a three month cycle. The changes happen 2 weeks at a time. Unit of measurement, yes but for the sake of it all."

So. Whatever.

High Pitch

Same as yesterday. Unfortunately, the only difference in today and yesterday is what's on television. Honestly.

A lost of words because of their repetition. So, how far can I take today in comparison to what it actually is. As far as I'm concerned, the days that I didn't remember couldn't have possibly happened. That same old "what if I'm the only real person" routine. It's ok, I don't think that way. I just build upon.

There was a slug on the pert of the door in my room, under the actual handle but not on the actual door itself. I let it outside. If I can remember that, then I can remember today. A lot of people claiming to have had headaches, today. Not me. Pancakes and bacon, again though.

The other day I kind of started trying out this writing of, well honestly it could only be called novel because of the style that I'm kind of automatically assuming. The title had kind of floated around for about a month at least because it's just so upfront. The Last Year Of All Time. Easy. Practice, then. I was kind of going to imagine that being in a series of a certain blatantly titled novel-types. Still, the titles might just distract the entire intention. But hey, I'm not wrong. "It's not a waste of time." Just heard that one on that tel-v. Awards.

I'll figure. Just he. Alright, good one though.

Forgetting How To Freak Out

Hi, lawlz. Just a second ago, I was having one of those freak outs I have when I realize all the people who know each other. The whole mutual friends thing. Just nothing I can do. My mom just made what would actually be a great dinner, for how it was made. No idea where this stuff came from, but no I just don't like fruits in my dinner so that's why I personally... gah how do I explain..? Besides the fact that I personally find it confusing to eat a fruit in my dinner and how unexpected it was for me to eat the asparagus, but it was [some word that actually means good according to meal-cooker standards] for a meal cooked with no oven, basically. I don't know. just trying to explain that she must have done a lot for a little, but that may be far-fetched.

Got next week's schedule. Another 6 days. A panic because my mom is right. People would be glad to have those hours. Yet, I need more time to... eh who am I kidd-ong? If I would have had a job earlier in life, i would understand time-management. Ha, irony. There were books on that subject yesterday, in the library. I actually debated. Probably the reason I feel down about work in the first place. Basically the same thing as food, drugs, and bang-alotta. Freud, trying to but not 100%. I must have been trying to warn myself. Metaphor of the hours at work being an open wound literally 'gushing' blood. Something's got to slow that down. Metaphor of the previous and a white lie. Whichever bandage is chosen will cause a lot of other of that same bandage to be used. Hah typos in the present-perfect tense. Agh yes aggravation at how the things I've learned appear at the times most vulnerable to audacity.

Laughed a lot today, which is less of a good sign than I just now thought. Actually scared for a second that I've actually warmed up to working. Yeah today was proof of that. Sitting down under that nightmare camera. Laughing at jokes I don't even like, just because they're jokes. Actually saying "what?" to coworker. Forgetting things, almost. That one might be the scariest. Well, now that I think about it, work was my day today. Since I woke up at approximately 11:30 and went in at 12. It's all I had time for, actually.Then only half a day in between now and working again, in which I work the entire time the store is open plus one hour. Where the hell is my boiling point? When the hell do I discover that thing that people do to get their minds off it? It's actually designed to not be like school. That's why I have to be somewhat of a person that most people can relate to. No, no, no, no. I have to- my god I just forgot. A blank. Literally, someone just rease my memory. I bet the internet might cut off or something might replace what I'm saying with some bs. Erasing proof that I actually, gah all I can think to say is some egotistical mess that opposed the point I am making. Well if it's anywhere near egotistical, then you know what I would have been getting at. If I just state "that's why I'm the main character" then it's just that character flaw that I just imagine to be an awkwardly shaped naked white boy basking in the sunset. With a stupid haircut.

Well. Not much I can do. I'm imagining a mixture of what that one song has taught me and how to spend my time off. I remember "you ever notice when you're off of work, it's ok to actually just do nothing?" Now it's true. What Nick said. Actual private time by myself. Time to either think or tweedle around-er I'm sorry to tinker around with something. Or to "thinker" with something. Something like, eh what somethings do I know how to "thinker" around with? How can I steer this away from innuendo?

"The only thing that keeps me sane is the thought that I have all eternity in which to perfect my art."

Hey guyz

Busy All Thimble

Hey, this is actual. Legitimacy, picked up once again! And right away, I have a bone to pick about that feeling in my throat! My throat is irritated! I can deal with that later. I was just eating carrots from the job. Yeah, today is the day we finally have the 'net in this ol' home.

Still cold, which is the last thing. Finally got the keys made. Finally back to using my old Pizza keychain. I'd like to say I was hungry, just for fun. Probably won't get the chance to have said this, but last night I finally paid for something with my debit card. How long has it been? Last update being the 15th of February. This being the first of March. I'd like to fill in that space..but that'll have to literally be what I will do. My latest wound has begun to grow tougher.

Oh yeah, but the actual today. I was up because my mom came home. She was telling me that the cable guy was here. Looking back, I realize how awkward she must have felt while having a guy working on something in your house. I woke up just not trusting what was going on. I didn't want the man to see me so they just put the other box in the other room. Lying in bed, I just kept on thinking about how, of all times, it would just be a shock for me to be my mom's son. I had never thought about my mom and me being different colors. Nothing negative, just one of those thoughts that sneak out of the closing door when you're waking up.

I kind of wanted to spend some time just kind of here, today but neh. It's the first of the month-hah- so my mom wanted to take me to withdraw my $400 from my account. Figured I'd go to the library then enjoy the rest of the day after that. Then, she explained that she had some things to do, so I just went with her. I took another pretty good shower and first we head to a Kroger in Atlanta. I wait in the car because she had to go in really quick to rotate some coffee displays. While waiting, I thought about how I might want some dressing for those carrots from work. I got out of the car and she was already walking out. She was with a friend who actually works there who she wanted me to meet. They talked while I just kind of stared. From where I was, two separate er logos.. on the front of two stores formed the word "EyeDentist." I figured that'd come up later. We were in the middle of people driving in and out but hey. Left, and went to the other side of town to a Best Buy. Pretended to sound interested in cameras and TVs. I wasn't expecting to get that album I had been listening to for that one part of February.

Eh. Got the money, post office before that, ended up only dropping off the library books, and got keys made. That was a today-day. A day that ended up being after yesterday. Pre-requisite. Hah, accomplish again. Making up fake quotes? Yeah, I'll figure it out.

Hope I don't get back problems.

Glad About The Venom

Well yeah, my day can be assumed. Power's in our name. I could be sleeping there, right now but work in the morning. Hm, if that sentence was in different context- The Power is in our name. Back to the phobia of names, again. Opposite, though.

Any chance of projects being lined up, though? MC Mass Murder has announced that he will work on Cone Hat Bear, when he gets back. At this point, I'm not sure if I'm interested in joining that one, not to say I'm invited, but I want to see the magic of Chip Co/ Ain't Ya Business happen again. I want it to remind me of rainy days. That's just my take, though. Still- before he returns, we can wedge in a couple of projects. Actually, when using the packing analogy, the time seems to fit one set of finishing touches on any given previous project, and one decent new project. Need to fix my hair.

See other folks would be like "this junk is exclusive" but hey we have no reporters to yap that kind of bowel. Still, nothing too proud yet. If anyone is exclusive about this type of stuff, it'd be me. Yet, that's contradicting my nature. Hate secrets, but hah exclusive is ok? Glad I'm not a self-loather. Kind of odd to think that the house has had nothing to do with any of the stuff that happened in the bulk of 2008 and 2009. I had never been a live performer in the presence of that home. Wonder what could be done?

I talked to the neighbors. Oh and yeah the landlord is really funny actually. I hadn't had the chance to notice, the last time. Made a couple of jokes about the "dead men" in the basement. Hahahaha. Perceptions. I also found it funny that one of the workers wasn't "allowed to go back in the house" after he got his feet muddied. Closer to a good feeling. Ah yes feeling. It sure isn't a lot of thinking, but it sure is an incredible reward.

Haheh, The fifth dimension of ascension basically. Can't wait. Not that, but the unannounced. Ok we're cleared for moving, created the illusion that that's all I talk about. Done. I kind of just want to stay on the 'projects' topic. Gah poor girl, things are different in time. Oh man, how am I going to spend my time before I finally fall asleep? Forced to be a 'thinking' night. Ashamed of that conflict. It'll be over, soon.

I'm gonna have a laboratory, yeah but I also have to wake up soon enough.

It.

Shouldent

Did a lot more moving. Called in for my next work day. I have tomorrow off. Heh, four day weekend. I go in on tuesday. Actually might take tonight to watch interviews, again. This time, about music. I can say I hear a lot of myself in this new Julian Casablancas album, in a certain way. Either that, or I'm ripping him off in that cosmic girl song I had been making. Gah, it's been months. I haven't heard my own song in months. It's like a phantom limb. Like scratching yer nuns when you don't have arms anymore.

Also got a taste of my old appreciation for the animated arts. How it's not cartooning, not film, and not comedy- but it's all yet none. Story of my ligh. It's good that I'm packing on these plans now because I owe it to myself to act on these things once I get moved in. Hah, see, basically the music video for his song. Sorry, though. I hesitated long enough. Just, how to sync it all up when you see it. All those things that get their chance to get repeated.

Probably actually a good thing to go through phases of favorites and styles, though. Genre phases, and all that. Because it gives you a chance to validly build your pallet. Er, I mean. I'm literally using the turn of phrase "build your pallet" from the wine-tasting guy who was on Conan a long time ago. Conflicts, just voice kind of surprised that I'm using these words. Devil on my shoulder? Er, that is if the whole cynic thing is actually evil. Heh. "Why not try them all?"

Oh of course. What sets this day apart from today... well that whole thing I just explained, kinda. Also my time sitting in both rooms to see which one I actually want. Hah, literally the next time I read this I will have known which room I ended up picking. It's just these days of kind of drinking these Gatorades that are stacked up at the top of the stairs, here. Ways to remember a place I don't want to remember. Also, how do I tap into that part of me that kinda feels bad anytime something good happens? Something feels unsure about right now. I guess it's the end that'll count. I have to promise myself to maintain, you know? Who know? Wait. Hey what's up. I'd have to actually have that same amount of edgy determination that I had when I made sure we were able to move into the house. I ended up saying the right things. The right convincing words. Not manipulative, though. See? Doubt.

Kind of like that Larry 3000 example of time fraying apart. The cards said I had got control of conscious and unconscious thoughts. Either that, or I was going to. Minor? Subject to change, I'll bet. It's fine. Just a lot of dignity falls through broken promise. Ok, I'm having coming up with things to have said. So I'll keep it up. Gah that entertainment business is goofy. Nah, just break it up into its two components. Entertainment? Well, see for me that just what I'd like to see. Things I'd like to see. Like, when you wake up one day and kind of want to go jogging, but you also want to record a song for yourself to jog to. So you fart it out, and go jogging the best jog you've ever done. Ok, before the second component, I want to hear another example. Hm. Ha, ok, here's one. Ever feel like you've been deprived of a childhood? No. Well, let's say you were deprived, and you never got your saturday morning cartoons. Hah, I like how this one is going. Yeah, you can sit and just create a cast of goofy superheroes that teach you lessons you probably didn't even know you knew. Yeah, but the saturday morning television angle specifically- could also probably do some campy live action rescue ranger er hah hey why not Powered Range-men?

Yeah, I see what I mean. Still feel like something is missing.. Plus I could write stories based upon book titles that I've never read. Like, how they give off the impression of something far out. Basically judging books by their cover, yet being convince that your judgment is actually what is in the book. Ok, then the business part. Yeah, I've had this conversation before. I know. Oh yeah? Nice paychecks, then. Hey. Well, I guess I have some capital now.. Hopefully. Wait, but "entertainment" was given a different spin on what it means in the context of "entertainment business." Hm, well then. Four components. Each word in half. The word in its connotation with the two word phrase, and how it benefits yourself. Though, business begins to explain itself.

Alright, well I think I've had enough. Well, I haven't. So, pace.

Keep On Going Further

Back cracks. "This doesn't exist until I put it on the paper."

Laundry, then scouting for some "we buy golds." Not really, just the one in the mall. Felt bad for some reason, but we got a check. Yeah. If we get messed up, then oh well. Turns out, I'm not greedy, though. Good to know. Oh and before that, we sold 2 dvd's. I got $4.38 store credit. See, not too bad. What I was expecting. Finally deposited that check, and ok should stop talking about money. Just the case.

Heh, since no one else'd find it interesting, I kind of have to mention that leprechaun I saw yesterday, peeking out from behind the corner in the one gold place we went to. Now just one of those nights where I watch interviews. Sorry, but today was just more moment.

That's enough.

End of the Woro.

Alright, so I think I'm letting one trait of mine take over the rest instead of balancing it out? I've just been talking in 'life LIFE LIFE LIFE' terms. Just the ability to say "life." Ah, but to grow disgust in the ability to say words is the calling card of a cynic, kind of. In this case, it is.

We're just kind of debating the ability to be incredibly aware of the infinite amount of things without just completely losing all humanity. I don't mind. I'll disagree again later on, I'm sure.

Anyway, I could say nothing happened today. Just an incredible amount of detail that echo against other days. Or the other way around. How today and yesterday involved Chili Peps and Bittersweet Symphony. Hm, this morning seems like a long time ago because of the whole "bad rap music videos that went viral" thing. I guess that double-date went fine. I request no detail.

I talked to Grant, and we finally discussed the whole tension about all those pictures that come up, basically. No progress, probably. Anyway, I did the first step in pitching the idea of having that next 'secret' Cool Winners show at Kennesaw Mountain, as a picnic deal. I wanted to do another Graivdiggo when I was in a good mood earlier. Then I combined that with that confidential idea, which I just remembered was confidential in the first place. Not really confidential, I'll hint to it.

Then, moments later, my mood changed for the day. Ha, horoscope. I found out that Tash had gotten me a job interview at Life Grocery, tomorrow. I applied last year, and I'm actually kind of "bummed" because I actually took the time time yesterday to apply at two different places I would like to work at specifically because of the fact that they sell DVD's and music. In parallel to the last couple of conversations I've had today, I guess it'd be hypocritical of me to excitingly answer those "strongly agree" questions in those applications last night and then to just feel differently about how I'd act in a work place just because I'd have to be around vegetables instead of movies and music. Barely hypocritical, they're different things! It would be valid of me to have an entirely different appearance just because the scenery has changed.

Then of course, what I mean. Started off with the "cynicism" motif, then moved on to 'quotes' and on to just plain words. All kind of a cycle. Just be ready to explain. And repeat.

Amazing sandwiches today, though.

Hold

Ok, I have to kind of stenograph these minutes right quick.
Listening to old tracks that I wasn't able to listen to for a while. Made me feel pretty good, honestly. Maybe it had to do with being reminded of 2007. Last year in the house. That was the year where I was all so glee.

So that plus the fact that people 'liked' what I said about everyone I meet giving me character ideas, made me feel that ol' feeling I haven't felt in a while. It's good. Who to say no.

Now, the reason I'm scribing this is so as not to get these confused with the fact that right now I'm also thinking of Cool Winners comedy bits which is actually kind of a side thing now. Kind of bringing me down actually. I'm actually excited about the Cosmic Girl thing... but I ended up personalizing it.

The whole good feeling came from me thinking about, with the experience I have now, and the people who actually follow the things I do- what if I actually do something that'll.. I don't know. I looked up that quote from the Curtis comic I read yesterday. "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." Which actually turns out to be a Bill Cosby quote. It kind of reinstates the whole truth of how when I actually do the things that I like, then people also appreciate it. All I have to do is not do things that I like to do just because people like when I do it. Same with what Conan said about being kind. I'd much rather be kind these days.

Now, the feeling is back again now that I stopped talking about Cool Win stuff. It had also wobbled on the fence when I thought about if I had a website. I'm trying to crack this code. I obviously feel good when I have everyone's support, and that makes me want to keep doing what I like to do. Then I think about how to consolidate those things, which brings to mind.. agh Film, a website, and live shows. That's 50%. Ok, now when I think about those albums or whatever I feel enthusiastic, but I think it might be the whole creative control thing. Oop. Gone.

Ok this and the other are the things in my head. Actually, it seems to be the same thing. Is there such thing as staying in seclusion in order to work on yourself or is it working with the people who appreciate you that gets you into being more productive. And how to split responsibilities with a co worker, basically?

Today was a question day. Still is.