Awe

Threshold of New Years Eve.
hm. So this is how I end up reminiscing. Wow. How to set it up. Well, as it has been, my mom is in Germany until January 6th. She's been gone since the 14th and since then I've occupied myself. It's impossible to know how I've kept myself occupied but I guess I did. The very first couple of days, I went straight downstairs and started sorting out a bunch of papers of mine. There are still stacks lying around the basement. I had also been playing Paper Mario. I actually also just finished playing it some more, but only after forcing myself to. I'm not sure why there'd be any difference in my doing these things since I could have done these things while my mom was home, but either way- those are the things I did for the first few days. I barely remember any other days, other than Tash coming over to take me shopping.

I celebrated Christmas with my dad. It snowed. I was able to see our old family friends, after about 10 years. I mean, I like that type of thing because it's one of those 'reality' situations. Er, a good 'storyline' or 'continuity' situation. Like, it was like I actually saw the ghost of Christmas past because I think we always used to visit this family for Christmas. Wild.

In that same respect, all at the same time, I think I was also visited by the ghosts of Christmas present and future. And it doesn't even mean I'm a Scrooge. Sometimes these ghosts just visit. I have become aware of my friends: past, present, and future friends. All at once. People I don't see as often, people I consistently see, and people I know I'm actually going to meet soon. Trust me.

On that note, let me explain. The whole comedy thing, like I said, is showing itself in a less modest way. Pseudo-famous people just like me are popping out of the most ridiculous places. (These are the people that I am going to meet). I'm finding it easier to get in contact with people I didn't imagine I'd ever meet. (I wanted to, and knew it was possible, but I didn't imagine it.) Like, I'm not talking to any of them or anything because I know I have to present myself and blah. I don't know what this sounds like but it feels normal. All I realize is that if I consistently keep my head in my work, then things will come. And so far, it has. In ways.

Last night (technically the night before) I had burned a practice dvd. If I can get someone to watch it and confirm that's it good enough to pass out as a demo disc, then that'd be nice. Oh, right. Actual news. Well, we may be getting another live show to be performed at the Wonder Root. I agreed to a date, but I'm not sure what's next. I guess I'll wait for them to put it on the schedule on their website, or something. So that's fine. If we build momentum with that, and the Brain Camp show (and hopefully more to follow), then we'll at least be somewhere in the quantity aspect. Then, after a certain point I have some plans. If we're at all well known then I'll pull for some fund-raising, but if luck shines upon us, then a road trip is in store. (yep. a note to self).

To conclude, of course, I want to just see how much stuff I can jot about the year 2010. I'd like to say that it was a year, for me, wealthy in literature, chemicals, and women. Very vague things, actually. Well, literature is sort of obvious. Anyone reading this knows that. I've been writing this type of crap all year long... but earlier this year, I did find myself reading more often than I had ever read in my life. Really.
As for chemicals, well, this one is a hehe 'self-fulfilling'.. thing. I'm guessing it has to do with some mental stuff or noting of other people's mental stuff, but I'm not sure if I could be fully honest about here. It could also be other people's usage of foreign materials and all that garbage. Who knows. The year is ending- I'm not in the same mindset as the one I was in when I agreed this year dealt heavily with chemicals (which was at least a month and a half ago).
And women. I just now decided on that one. They've been pretty prominent, and I guess this is my way of paying homage to the strong women of the year 2010. Then again, it's also kind of stupid (don't jump to conclusions!!) in the way that, "in that case, every year is somewhat about women". Well yeah. Really, I'm just being passively admiration-al. I like what some people did this year. One side of me wants to get this part of what I'm saying over with, while the other is nodding and squinting his eyes in approval. Fine.

So did I get everything done this year? Hell yes. I won this year, even if I got past with a B-. I mean, with the main accomplishment being "move" in the first half, things kind of worked themselves out. Even if I didn't notice. So far, it doesn't look like it's ending the way I imagined... but I guess it's a step-by-step process. Baby steps. And then step-steps because we ain't got all day. So I guess, I'll kind of take my leave in regards of "capturing everyday to prove that it happened," and just let it happen. No sense in forcing happenings to happen. They just happen. They're the only things that just happen, in essence.

It was a lot of fun. "Would you do it again?" Yeaaah! :)

Trouble

Well, I don't know. I'm getting a sense of "offended". I am somewhere in this thing about.. I don't know. You know how I am. I end up talking about junk like "universes" and stuff. Of course the only remedy is to be in what you call the "real world" and just get into some trouble. Apparently, these are called "reality checks". They're actually pretty stupid, but I'll bite. Last night, yeah, I was in the "real" world, just kind of being forced into a bad situation that I somehow apparently got myself into. Stupid. Any serious situation is actually just stupid, at this point. What is this.. "desensitized"? Well, like I had kind of tried to say before... there's got to be a difference between desensitized and just thinking a lot more than feeling in certain situations.

Ok, I won't really ever claim to be "wrong," but just imagine having an internal conflict where the only goal is to prove that whatever I did was right. This situation kind of applies to a lot, I guess. Kind of seems to be my ultimate lesson this year. Goes something like.. Trying to make things right before "it's too late" can probably only make things get worse.. or at least more "wrong". I, in respect for myself, just can't necessarily allow someone to tell me I'm wrong. It's just.. not the right type of thing to be told. Then, it feels like I'm doing a whole lot of good things in order to sort of "save up" for one 'bad' thing. There's no telling. There's no right opinion.

Eh. I know I'm just listing a bunch of iceberg tips worth of topics, but it's all I can do. I have this notebook, that I call my Sort this $#!* out book. You know. Ugh. I know. I just feel as though, reality or not, I need to sort out my "universes". I know that me even talking about stuff like that is only a phase, but maybe it's what I need to do right now. I guess this counts as my "trial and error" type of thing. Where I actually do try things, and find out how it doesn't work. Actually, one thing about last night... What about situations where I actually don't think before I speak. Ha because that was my only fault. Saying something. Admitting, basically. Still, it's like a rare thing. I'm not one to say things that end up making things wrong. That's whats odd. One of those things that really make you into a kook. Convincing yourself that deus ex machina is goin' on.. except opposite. Eh. Well, I mean. At this point, the one thing I'd like to make right is that I am not, nor will I ever be, considered a "bad friend" or "not a friend". No.

Ok, whatever. I don't deserve to be embarrassed, therefore, I won't be. I'm fine, I'm good.

Might As Well

Alright, then.
I guess the actual thing that's on my mind (after erasing a couple of sentences) is the whole thought of.. er. 'if you only had ___ to live' and stuff like that. I mean. I don't know how I am with that. I guess I've been waiting for me to finally figure out what it means to me. You know, kind of like when you've known of a certain famous person all of your life, but you're just not ready to know about him or her? More like when you hear a 'fact of life' or someone's motto and you've always thought that you knew what it meant.. Hell, I guess now is the time I finally delve into 'you only live once'. I guess knowing that I'm going to make it in the end isn't enough, right now. It's like I'm kind of preparing for the day where I find out I only have one day left. I guess I don't know enough of the world for me to find out about a last thing that I can do right now. Anything I'd want to do anytime soon, I'd rather just see develop. Not the process, just ugh. Processes make me run away, actually. So, no. Like, I know how easy everything is- within reason.

Honestly. It still confuses me. Yeah, I realized that I can actually get "confused". I guess I have to just look at it how it is.. "one day to live". Well, I could be breathing mold right now and that's deadly. I might, honestly, pass away soon. Unexpectedly. How much should I worry, thinking that I might actually just expire within months? It doesn't really bother me a whole lot, until I think about all the stuff they'd find in my notebooks and other writings. Ha, really, I'm just thinking about the many people who already have no idea what to make of the things I have had to say. That's a whole other story, maybe. I don't claim to be misunderstood or nothin'.

Ok screw it. "Current mood: Embarrassed.. Mortified.." I don't know. It doesn't matter what causes these things and how I resolve them or could have resolved them. I know that there's got to be a point where you can literally just redeem yourself. I shouldn't just take several tiny, yet huge, embarrassing moments and just say "ok, I'll just make jokes or movies about them so they won't be so horrifying to remember." I really, really have got to talk to these people about these ambiguous moments. I've got to find out, or let them find out, what can be reasonable in these situations. Of course, I won't be able to track down other folks, but if the things have just happened.. then I should say something. How can you really just be honest when it comes to people who.. matter? Really, on that note, how does one really at least try to get someone to do what's right? Wow. In a way, once again, it feels like heh being a puppeteer, for lack of better metaphors. Then after thinking, it's back to how I felt before the summer. Where several people are making me up. I'm several peoples' puppet? Nah, whatever, that's all stupid. This is stupid. Really stupid, all of it. This is actually just very stupid, and I couldn't be having a better time talking about how stupid this actually is.

I'm typing. What in the hell could that attribute to me doing what I want to do? I'm holding back, by the way. A lot. Because I have additional ideas, that aren't able to just be typed. They're the things that you see after you read this that's kind of "oh, that must be what caused him to do this'. Stupid. I've been losing brainpower, recently. That can literally, literally mean few things. Willful loss of brain? Me? No, actually, never. Ha.

This is awful. Nothing's awful, just this is awful. I know a person who just did the stupidest thing I can think of. I know him. Heh, to say the least. I know a person who has actually given up on things that they just "don't see happening". I know a couple of folks who just won't do things, and seem to wonder why they have to continue with their regular lives. I know a guy who I know I can't fully trust, but I really don't even care. Yet, I instinctively care. I know someone who literally will not make sense to me at all. That's what I know right now. That must be what's on my mind. This is ridiculous. All over the place. Where have I been? How do I know I haven't had this same mind-state before? This is probably how I felt, back in January, where I had not previously been "typing".

All year, I've had one set of things on my mind. I didn't say a word. Thought I said something, but no. Now, I've come back from Chicago, uttering quotes that I didn't think I'd remember. Now I'm back in a business-man state of mind. Now I'm trying to "network". That conflicts with everything I was, most of this year.

I think the wind is right.. something's in proper alignment ONLY for me to be able to safely say.. "I'm confused." And since context has to be an issue, it's literally just thoughts about real life. Real. Real. Real. Life. Li-li-life life. NOT the "real world" that older people warn you about. That's still nonsense. Alright, fine. I am unable to cope with the embarrassment, practically because I'm not talking about it. So, no use.

Also, I am unable to go from this to doing what I want about "one life to live" stuff. It wouldn't work. I'll still try. But really. "Being alive is so weird."

Souls

Just any given demon woman putting you to sleep for about 13 hours.

That one dream I wrote about actually ended up happening. Well, it would have if I would have had a dvd player downstairs.. Until yesterday, I was stuck in June 21st: the day after my birthday.

For my birthday, I fell asleep at maybe 5 am, again. I was trying out a new medication, honestly. I did it wrong, so it was whatever. Woke up with a headache, but it was a decent headache. I walked out to see all that had been prepared for my celebration. Stuff set up, out back. I remember being on the lawn swing chair thing for a while. Then Grant came over and family came over.

Of course, I told them lies about work and college. I can't handle things. No one even knows that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Exactly. Contradiction. Crap, that reminds me.

There was a mid point. Then, it picked up as the family left and my guests arrived. Nerve-wracking. Er, thought so. You know what, though? It ended up beautifully. Literally, a beautiful day. The day people only give you when you're on your death bed. Oh well.

Justin even told me that the conversation we had when it was all over was just the happiest he's ever heard me. Heh. Still, I feel much like a failure in that area. It's ok. I just wanted to achieve some type of exit strategy for people like me. The failure of such a thing can literally only attribute to a life in the grind. Life in the grind. It's sacred.

Then, I lost track for a couple of days. Yeah, I celebrated Nick's birthday, but that was kind of what I had been doing the week before. When I tried to go back into the world that I was trying to kind of take hold of before, I literally set myself up for disappointment. So, last night I felt the exact opposite of how I did when my birthday was over.

I mean at least then, there was a chance of folks doing anything. Last night, it was just everything with every reason to be horrifying. Everyone is just so inaccessible. Anyone who can help just can not help. I literally have to hide from family, for a couple of reasons. I mean, I know who to trust with any situation, but they're scary monsters at this moment. Really, what I'm saying is that I had this devastating realization about females, again.

I really feel that they're monsters. I really feel that they're the ones who only want one thing. I heard my mom and her friend come in, and I heard them talk all night. They didn't know I was home, in my room, asleep that early. It was the most demonic thing I had ever heard. Complaining and coming up with people to blame problems on. There is no need a person will ever have to cause someone to talk about a thermostat the way my mom did last night. Our poor dog was right in the line of fire. His crying for her attention just says it all. Women are these things that are on some crazed mission. They're scouting out the world, for what they want. No one can enter this planet without something that a woman has done. I mean it. They birth men and more women, take care of animals, all so that we can beg for more. How can a thing be so evil by doing so many good things? It is corruption.

That was the thing. Notice I said I was asleep, well- in bed, early? All of this is the kind of thing that makes you lose faith in the entire universe-- or at least an entire universe of things. The only thing you can do is try to fall asleep. That's probably the only way to escape. Of course, since it comes to mind, death won't be a way to escape this type of universe. Death is actually a part of it. All that can be done is several, temporary escapes.

Well, who could this all be directed from? The source of this type of realization? Don't worry about it. Even me writing anything is actually just a dormant sacrificial animal that I give up in order to flag down some woman's appreciation. That's something I studied from them, firsthand. Any mention of long-term "sustaining from doing a certain thing" is actually just a dormant begging of doing so.

So, you can see I know that there's nothing I can do, so far. I'm not completely irate with anyone, and the only thing I can expand upon is myself and what I'm thinking. I just got the "tower" card. What Tupac said, too. I just have to keep an eye out for myself. These people might just be aiming to hurt, but hey why not?

Ok, eject please.

Hone

Yeah willingly unresponsive. In the past week maybe, I got my new camera. Made 2 videos in one night. Already old news. One of them can actually be described as the ultimate Pito Video to date. It is my 50th one I've uploaded to the tube, so good coincidence. I say ultimate because it contains features of all my previous solo works. Viral, anyway.

Today hasn't really done justice. Aggravated, I think. Got off and took a nap. Work takes more hours away from your life than you know. It's really not fair (well you got a point there.) Watching old Fredryk Phox and realizing that he was another one of the people who have subliminally influenced me during that one part of my life. It's almost sad though. The fear of a cycle.

I think I may be stressed or aggravated tonight. Ashamed of the fact that I went through today looking how I look. The clothes, I mean. No idea what anyone else saw. Ok and "you look thinner and thinner" losing weight 'compliments.' Too bad I overheard the same person compliment another person. "Younger and younger." Except that was a bigger ruckus. With me, I just kind of. Fake smile. "Are you happy?" Asking if the compliment worked. I have no idea of reality, actually kinda. No idea what I look like, which may or may not matter. No idea what it is. Then of course someone would say: "Dude, everybody feels that way." Alright. Yeah let's leave that one there until I have proof.

All my obligations are paid. More library books. Three, this time. Three separate rooms.

Oh yeah and talking to Nico about all of us getting together for a new show. So far it looks like we're considering the Wonder Root. Who knows. I think we all agree yes. Justin won't be MC MassMurder he says. Hopefully we're building our following. wish we had a following though. Still, also maybe a picnic show in my backyard. Then when MC Mass finally finishes his album, a much better show. I'm already miles ahead of myself. I want the Cool Winners junk to have been established, MC to move on, the bridge between Nico's folks and us to be built, and the Creepy Ghosts explained. All that's in the past to me. In my mind, my entire career (past and future) is all just in the past. I think we need to bite off something we can barely swallow. Disappoint a lot of folks except the ones who pay enough attention. Already.

Tabloids about us. Able to happen. Just no idea who the hell we are. Death wish. we're all in chaos, not chaotic chaos but left over chaos from when we were in chaos. Not big enough to be chaotic. There's an entire story here. He's torn, Georgie. This is drama. So, what? Do I just write the biopic or the documentary? Who wants the same story, twice? It's a multiverse, so it quenches but also drouts. Thirsty as hell.

An that dreadful To-Do list. Somethings literally can only be done in a certain light. You Know? Begging to work myself to death. The way I want to work, clearly. Stop this, it's nonsense. For people to just eat these things. This store is just gluttony. Why put so much emphasis on FOOD? Out of their minds. That, in fact, should be the ring of hell for sinners of gluttony. Food as a goal, as comfort, as something to talk about, life? Ridiculous. I wouldn't mind any of these folks just going to hell. Ok, I shouldn't be at this point. This is how everyone ever has complained about work. I've been complaining about work all of my life.

I must explode.

Nothings

Noticing that 16th of this month actually might not have happened.

It was ok because I was actually kind of waking myself up, this morning. I thought I wouldn't have an ok time waking up because I didn't get much sleep last night. Seems like someone was watching my back in the sleep department. Hard to explain, but it did explain a lot. My point was that I had to wake up early this morning. Gah, the missing pieces.

Today was anticipated to be a big day at the store. Life fest. Not only that, but the spring Life Fest. I really just can't get over it. Everyday is either just a celebration or a question of mortality. This is just LIFE we're fooling with. Don't overlook your puns and wordplay. This is life. Life. My friends and I all hear it each time we hear that one sound clip of the "Life-Life life life." It's Life. My god.

Still, I was 100% in my own head the entire day. Thinking about the morning, over-reacting, last night's conversation, college, human behavior (literally, literally), and now just trust and byrony. hah.

Right now, I just finished an entire jug of water, I have the stereo playing, but I'm trying to figure out how to make use of the night after that nap I just took after I walked home. All I can think to do is try to tell everyone what I'm doing right now. It's because of the encouragement, though. One of those nights, where they like the stupid little things you do. All I am is really just ashamed of my phone, my diploma, and of course just the word "life". Oh yeah I was also thinking about where things finally pay off. Ashamed that everyone who has ever gotten anywhere and claimed it was a struggle may just have done exactly the same things I've done.

Just in time for Frankenstein, again. If I am not mistaken, the kids in school are studying it again. It's important that i know which piece and era of literature. Just- if only I still knew where to find that diagram of the literary eras. haunting, but hey why not.

My God, imagine the musicals that must go on in someone's padded cell.

Actually primal screaming. I'm aiming and hitting. A battle of two different muses. Fueling each other. Don't flatter one's self.

K, my smell.

Twenty Eight Too Late

Finished that library book that got wet yesterday. Strange bump on my arm that may have just been a bite. Always hard to digest when reading about bites and bumps on skin. Just found out what I look like. Monster-ish. Haircut, probably. I'll get straightened out. I guess it takes a while.

I mean, no matter how I fought it, I did eventually get some type of used to Windy Hill. So, it'll be over one month alone. Things aren't settling yet, though. Imagine the wake-up call today. "Your job has brainwashed you." Don't you think I know? It's my brain, of course I know when it's not doing what it should. This was earlier today when Grant and Fide clearly called me on speaker phone, while on the bus to some field trip. I won't find out until later, what the trip was. All of my answers to their questions were just that drastically normal "uh.. yeah?" and "...sure" that show not much of a character. They thought they saw a huge change in their friend. The least likely of anyone they knew to fall into some mind-numbed normality. Without a doubt, the least likely to.

In what became their little experiment, their antics were pure exploitation. Me- exploited. That's the only unlikely thing I cared for. Behold. The transformation into... "normal." Literally, literally, a reverse-freakshow. Still, little does anyone know, I actually am very basically immune to brainwash. That's all I can say about that, really. I should mention qualities of myself, when I'm trying to mention qualities of who they think I've become. Really, it's not that much of a mantle anymore. Once you've gotten past each conversation you have with yourself when you're of a certain issue. "Let Me Live My Life Man."

Common theme of today- just the ever-presence of the word "life." It's either all just life, or it's all just words. Not only one thing and that's it, but I mean the big IT is either all of it or it's just what people think it is- both in addition to what it turns out to be. All of the things it turns out to be. I think I might've thought, the other night, that "is" is probably all there is. Past, present, future types of folks. Not that whole thing. Actually.

"...tomorrow is taking too long, and yesterday is too far away. and the reality of what you believe in begins to bind."

The quote eventually leads back to the issue of trust. The first topic from the first moment of New Year's Eve. Who knew? If anyone wants to trust in me, I wouldn't disappoint.. eventually. No, get this- either it's the whole "nobody is spending that much time thinking about you." or there actually are those situations where generally anyone shows any type of interest in anything I do, and I kind of set them up for something good- but then I just disappoint. I just wonder if anyone else has this character trait about them.. Still, this year so far, one example of trusting in me happened and that's why I'm here. This house may just be a "promised" land. No, I'm not putting too much importance in myself, that's actually what happened. I was supposed to come back and fix things. Hah. Undo that little knot that the House-Buyers got themselves into. Really, I don't think anything can stop the House-Buyers from just feeling righteous about buying houses eventually. If I didn't know any better, it looks like the way to actually Buy-A-House is to start out with Renting-A-House. A little training wheels game.

This group of friends was just House-Buyers. Like the Hope Diamond. Each previous owner is cursed, and probably rightfully so because of what a diamond actually is. That's half what my mom said. She said the coincidence is just in their bad energies. I'd add on the idea that if I absolutely had to just own a diamond, I can literally just see a cartoon image of myself throwing it over my head and behind my back into the mud. The same as gold. What on earth is jewelry? Too easy. Still, how House-Buying is like the Hope Diamond: you'd better make sense of your goals quick. What could you be talking about? Again, for myself:

"You'd better make sense of your goals quick."

There. House-Buyers. A House-Buying situation. Over.

Cold Supposed

Today is just generally a "cold" day. That's the basis. Other things are little sprouts from just the factor that it feels these temperatures when you're outside. It stings.

I woke up and I was having these dreams, kind of while I was waking up and then when I was awake. I don't know. I dreamt that I was at a combination of Woodpointe (apartments by the school, where Nick lives) and what is now called Madison at the Knolls (where I used to live.) I was having an internal debate on whether or not I should be trying to impress a certain point. It was already a situation where things would end up negative because of how things always go in the past, but when I didn't think about it- I was kind of impressive. Then, when I thought about it, I wasn't able to control what I was saying and then I had to keep making up for what I was saying. That's how my dreams are. Hah, that's that scheme of how all my old dreams used to be. Good to know I actually am back. Oh and there were breakfast burritos there, too. When I kind of woke up, I tried to focus on that dream for a while and I think I ended up falling into another dream that kind of continued it. My debate that I was having caused my to try to prove to everyone that I was having this debate, so I went as far as to take a bus for no reason. On the bus, there were some folks I had went to school with [now that I think about it, they might've been the ones I happened to see the last time I rode the bus.] and they were kind of shouting or something. I listened, and when I realized that I was on this bus for no reason, I tried to find the thing you pull to get off. I think I woke up.

Oh and before all of that, I think I had a pretty stressful dream. I don't know. I think I had a few. In that one way.

So, today. I made sure to get some sleep. I had a bunch. Had to bathroom, but I had to wait. Secret shop, 10 piece chicken er. Wrok. Brought back some frees. Tash brought me some DVDs. I'll be doing that before I sleep. A couple of shirry films, somewhat. One of them is actually an incredible idea. It should be in a list of mine, one day. This is all that's kind of going on in my life for this moment. I'd try to seize the day or the whole 'live like it is your last' stuff, but I'm not even sure. I guess I can't say I don't.

And yesterday, literally nothing to explain. I was so close to just posting a review about the new Fox series Past Life because I actually sat down to watch it. That's what I did, yesterday. Put more money in the bank, I think. So, I guess it adds up. The days, I mean.

Good Nigh