Control

Ahh what a great night, last night. Well, that's over. Today I've just been old hermit. No, I can't tell if I'm just getting almost too particular recently. I think I might becoming choosy or whatever the better word is. Like, I actually think I got aggravated with the thought of people doing things in my room in the way that I don't usually do them. I'm getting afraid that I'm beginning to want things to go my way. I'm almost sure that what I am actually doing has nothing to do with what I'm thinking. There's no way of telling for sure, I mean. I just can't tell because it's like I'm very sure that when I am doing things, that I am doing them for my only right reason. But then the situation just turns into smleh.

Well, all last week I was doing great. I was on a roll, I was writing all types of material and that type of stuff that I do that cannot possibly be criticized or considered futile (because I am also imagining the response to my admitting to writing interesting stuff being looked at as a 'lame hobby'). And see that's just it. I wasn't thinking about this type of crap. I wasn't thinking about the negative things that exist in other universes. I wasn't thinking about universes either, for that matter. I had a clear head for the week. It was like I was headed toward a certain zone, where no one could mention drugs, paranoia, or depression (none of which pertain to me, but bother me when I realize friends are going through this type of junk). I was feeling.. heh.. I was feeling ok (can't stand the phrase "feeling good" for some reason. I claim that I don't believe that a person can do that in the sense that no one has the right to judge what "good" feels like.) and I was calm, in anticipation. Maybe I was waiting for last night. Now, I'm just letting things bother me. People talking loud. i can't tell if that's something that... heh. I don't get bothered, of course not.

Ahr. What I was saying.. Last week, I was doing good. Trying to think of specifics besides the fact that there was a point where I realized the actor Jason Segel seemed cool. I guess the 'accomplished' feeling came from the fact that all of the notebooks I write all this crap in are pretty full. Now before you have already read the words "notebooks" and "write" and already gotten halfway through this sentence, realize that these 'notebooks' are really just.. ah.. you'd really have to see them, but the main point is that they barely have anything to do with writing. So do not even associate it or me with writing. I will not disgrace these things buy calling them "idea books," either. And that's my problem, this week. Or just today, actually. I fear that I actually might just be being a control freak. See, now I'm feeling like I remember myself saying this about myself once before. Actually, hah, I might have been talking about someone else. Still, I'm trying to keep level. I guess it's the fact that because last week, absolutely everything was in my hands, and now that this is the period in which I share my ideas, I am not willing to hear anyone else's. Which is false because I am amazingly open to ideas involving the comedy team. Yep the comedy team. That's what I've been so proud of. Especially last week. That is where my mind was last week. The comedy team. Fail-safe. And now that the day I was waiting for is over, I guess I've been back to whatever. Universe A. My home world. Not the real world, just the place where I grew up. Hm. Maybe that means I need to take each Universe A time to grow up. Or maybe I distribute my grow-ups equally into each universe. So stupid, the word, but in one of these worlds I've come to believe that not a soul should be ashamed of words. And in another, I think the opposite: the whole thing about certain people ruining certain things. In some places, at some moments, no one can ruin a thing.

Back in "Real" World, there's the sound of the lyrics "I told you- no I'll never let you drag me down to hell " which fits. I only call that one "Real" just because that's the crappy one where.. ahem.. sex, drama, and drugs exist. Again, not for me- literally, honestly, and the absolute truth. Those things can get real. But they're all complete bs to me. Cool because there's no way to detach yourself from it without looking like you're-- Hell.

Still, the fact that I've clearly gotten back into talking about this stuff, and the fact that I haven't gotten over the terminology factor just kind of bothers me. That's why I was trying to ignore certain friends of mine. It would do me good, and it has nothing to do with them--oh oh-- just the fact that what they're saying is just going to make me fixate on some other realities. You know. "Drag me down to hell". And that may be the cause of the control-freak thing, as well. I'm temporarily banishing certain folks just because they're not in the same mood as I am (mostly because they haven't heard the same news that I have). They're not thinking about the same things, and that- THAT has to be the problem with long-distance relationships of any sort. They see ABSOLUTELY different things. Absolutely no way to communicate. The details have to gather. Things become less effective from farther away. "You'd just have to be there".

So, what's the deal? Is there anything upsetting me? Well, one thing I do want to get over. That awkward meeting, yesterday. Ah. And that other awkward thing. And the thing I didn't do. And the thing from 2 years ago that I reminded myself of, an hour ago. Redemption? Hah, listen, I'm actually convincing myself that you can get over any awkward situation by turning into a big.. show. Well, hell, that ol' "success is the best revenge". Hah, now that quote is going to make me think of when I told that to Fide and he just focused on the 'revenge' part. But the point, moreover, is redemption.

Ok. I hope this flows well. Actually. Ok, I'm about to just type what I'm thinking in order to help myself out so hold up. Now, if I completely cut myself off from the whole: "imaginary people," "not exist," "universes," "I act different to certain people," "I can't remember my relationship with certain people," "man, I messed up," "anger," "disappointment," and "back-up plans"... does that mean I'm also cutting myself off from actual.. er.. "inspiration" for the things.. God.. that I do? Not to mention "what is it that we do?". That didn't help at all. Wait a minute. This has absolutely nothing to do with last night. As in- this is not even the same.. ah hell, here we go.

One of the things that got me earlier. Two things, actually. Hah. Hah. There is always absolute Hell in trying to defend Kanye West. There. Simple. Let's say defending Kanye West has absolutely nothing to do with the man himself. He's only famous for the fact that he symbolizes the exact situation that I am actually trying to defend. Kind of like Obama (because I thought of Chicago). I mean, that's what "idols" are (and I mean "idols" as famous people in general) there for. They represent an intricate ideal. That's why no one is "the one famous person". You become a fan of one particular thing because that represents that situation. I actually don't care if I'm saying anything new- remember that. But I'm just saying- to defend Kanye is to defend that one ideal of "what I am doing/saying is being translated horribly wrong". Like, jumping the gun. Like, trying to lift something heavy when you haven't even considered building muscles. As in- not ready YET. As in- maybe I need to grow up- once again. Or. Maybe I'm just not wrong.

Other thing was remembering something that could have been considered insanely passive-aggressive over the summer. I mean, how often do people around here blatantly use the words "main character" in reference to real life? Ok, first things first. I'm not saying I'll ever do so, but for someone to call themselves a main character is actually justifiable. I think I'm treading over old grounds (hah) so, I won't even justify that statement- which doesn't need to be justified because it is actually a kind-hearted thing, really. It's one of those things, you know? "Importance of self" (in social situations) is just a matter of moderation. I'm fine. No new lessons. Really just an argument of how "cool" it is to hate yourself vs. how "cool" it is to hate other people. Then there is just the absolutely honest and pure reality of "I have never heard any of those words". So, I'm fine. I just want to talk about that last part with someone before I finally decide what I mean.

Those two things kind of topped off this mood of today. Finding out that no matter what, I'm still going to look like I'm saying/doing mean, untrustable things? Even if the thing I was attempting is fool-proof? Maybe it's because i forget how I look when I'm doing it. I'm just fat :(

Yo.

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Update

Yeah. Today, which is (can't stress this enough) completely not like me, I've gotten a ergh "short temper". I didn't even mention that I was getting ugh "frustrated" with the fam today. Shame that I put a negative outlook about them before I even said anything positive about how I feel about them. You know- because I don't even talk about "fam". Whoa. My God. I just said "feel"("yeah but didn't he talk about 'feeling ok' earlier?"). Ha. Hah. Actually, that just explains this entire thing. It has to just be today. So in that big old open world, I am just a nice, creative (y'all can't stress that enough) young man. Fat too! :P And once every almost-never, I can just be "man he mean"- and that'll be by complete accident. I'm a man of ideas. That's who.
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and then. whoa forgot. oh yeah. how you're not allowed to bring up anything. you're only allowed to be reviewed. I'm being cruel, I think this is making it worse. As long as no one blatantly copies what I'm saying here. I've been sucked in. 1. I wanted to ignore the 'writing' side of things (this) 2. Forcing myself to ignore is just the same as ignoring anything that isn't an internal conflict.
Bottom line- last night was fun. My friends and I went to a show. I got a free dvd.

Rough. Tough.

Really getting in there. It's just.. taking its toll.
I don't think I did anything, today. I didn't try to, like I did yesterday, but I think it took me by surprise. I mean, yesterday, yeah I did try to do nothing but I ended up editing and posting the first of my series. It's officially kick-started. Hm. So, I got good responses. But today.. I don't know. It was good but-- actually-- today might just "not exist". The whole reason I started writing a lot this year. It's one of those things I like to compare to sophomore year. The one that it just kind of preparatory for other days, like tomorrow.

Then, allow me to be real here, my facebook account was disabled. Yeah, I mean. Hell, I don't know. Appropriate for me, though. The Social Network is in theaters tomorrow, er probably in a few minutes. Oh well. I knew that if that ever happened to me, my only regret would be all of those conversations that these employees consider to be expendable. Corruption. We're expendable. Yet, fake profiles.. eh oh well. At the same time, though, it's one of those... parallels.. One of the things that comes to mind is just, you know, how it's basically like dying. Like I said- parallels. Not realllly like dying. What I mean is that, kind of like when someone dies in real life.. you kind of think "aw, they never even got to see _____" (like a movie or some event that happens right afterward). It's not about missing it, it's about not being allowed. Agh. I'm trying to say that, as being kicked out of a large network of people, death is like... being kicked out of a large group of people. One might retort "yeah but there are more dead people than alive" and I think.. "yeah, exactly". Plus, I won't even find out why my account was disabled. I'm a victim, here. Still, it's just this website. It really has become a monster, though. Nothing bad, just a monster. I mean it very well could be evil, but just a monster. Do you know what I mean, at all?

Just saying. In the same way all of my favorite stupid little quotes may just be vanished from history- don't jump to any conclusions, reader- ok screw it. There's no way to explain it without having it sound like it's turning into one of those "man, insignificance" or "ah man, all my stuff" or "whoa, I'm really gone" or anything like that. It's not. In fact, I was just going to mention my major comparison to all of this and then just drop the topic. No. I am going to remember how I was going to word this.
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Right.. The whole. "One life to live" "y'only live once" blah blah. Because no matter how I say anything, folks reading in correctly will remark "why put so much thought into facebook?" and then of course "don't worry about how people read things". Worst part of all, I'm not even having one of those nights. One of those nights where I actually am thinking about the various possible reactions given from people. And me explaining that only gets me deeper, and me thinking about that only reminds me of how when Nick gets into one of these situations, explaining himself only makes it worse. Fine. I abort.

Hye, how's it going.? Really. I actually mistyped "hey". Today was fine. Wait, no.. am I in a mood? I could have sworn I was in a neutral mindset all day. This is horrifying. What on earth am I thinking, these days? Well, it's October now. I've got a thing to look forward to. I think.

Oh well.

Match

When the good part of the day and the bad part kind of swap places. When you forget to reward yourself, at some point. When, whatever that smell is. It's true. "Everyone in that building is lost-it-in-life." Of course, a phrase about which there is no telling who sees it as a common thing.

I must be dim-witted. Sorry, but no time. I was proud of myself, then I just realized that I am not doing what I told myself I was going to think about doing. It's not my fault, really. In other words, I may just be sluggish. No time to say a full sentence and keep in mind the fact that you know how each person responds. Just really no time. It's a mix of the cause, and just prevention.

Why don't I, though? How am I not? The kids are walking out with one dollar bills again. Yeah, the common theme of today. "Do something new." Something to cause you to travel. Kind of like the whole mix-up at baggage claim or whatever. My luggage is doing what I want to be doing.

Actual mood change. Forcing my stomach. This guy has dollars, and I have no dollars. Not the case, actually. Neck-to-neck. I probably just have to walk around the right disaster. One person in mind, involving that disaster. One person in mind, involving luggage. One person in mind, involving dollars. Then, a different race of person, involving proud.

I'm glad. Make me feel surprised. An understandingly weary high-five of open-mindedness. Clear juxtaposition: "I have never heard you say one normal sentence." Then, I respond with a "normal" sentence, and it doesn't click. I teach elders math, and how to spell. Elders, or the better term, that should "teach" me.

Yes, if you can look past the idea that must be far out there. Look past that, and see that there is some good in coming to your past, from the future. Just in order to understand how to appreciate things you don't even like. Despise is still gross. Ecstatic for homeworks, and dumb videos. Still. I'm sluggish. Just to tune out. I must go nowhere. If only I was ok with nothing on top of nothing. No confusion between busy and other busy.

Fade, or something.

Shouldent

Did a lot more moving. Called in for my next work day. I have tomorrow off. Heh, four day weekend. I go in on tuesday. Actually might take tonight to watch interviews, again. This time, about music. I can say I hear a lot of myself in this new Julian Casablancas album, in a certain way. Either that, or I'm ripping him off in that cosmic girl song I had been making. Gah, it's been months. I haven't heard my own song in months. It's like a phantom limb. Like scratching yer nuns when you don't have arms anymore.

Also got a taste of my old appreciation for the animated arts. How it's not cartooning, not film, and not comedy- but it's all yet none. Story of my ligh. It's good that I'm packing on these plans now because I owe it to myself to act on these things once I get moved in. Hah, see, basically the music video for his song. Sorry, though. I hesitated long enough. Just, how to sync it all up when you see it. All those things that get their chance to get repeated.

Probably actually a good thing to go through phases of favorites and styles, though. Genre phases, and all that. Because it gives you a chance to validly build your pallet. Er, I mean. I'm literally using the turn of phrase "build your pallet" from the wine-tasting guy who was on Conan a long time ago. Conflicts, just voice kind of surprised that I'm using these words. Devil on my shoulder? Er, that is if the whole cynic thing is actually evil. Heh. "Why not try them all?"

Oh of course. What sets this day apart from today... well that whole thing I just explained, kinda. Also my time sitting in both rooms to see which one I actually want. Hah, literally the next time I read this I will have known which room I ended up picking. It's just these days of kind of drinking these Gatorades that are stacked up at the top of the stairs, here. Ways to remember a place I don't want to remember. Also, how do I tap into that part of me that kinda feels bad anytime something good happens? Something feels unsure about right now. I guess it's the end that'll count. I have to promise myself to maintain, you know? Who know? Wait. Hey what's up. I'd have to actually have that same amount of edgy determination that I had when I made sure we were able to move into the house. I ended up saying the right things. The right convincing words. Not manipulative, though. See? Doubt.

Kind of like that Larry 3000 example of time fraying apart. The cards said I had got control of conscious and unconscious thoughts. Either that, or I was going to. Minor? Subject to change, I'll bet. It's fine. Just a lot of dignity falls through broken promise. Ok, I'm having coming up with things to have said. So I'll keep it up. Gah that entertainment business is goofy. Nah, just break it up into its two components. Entertainment? Well, see for me that just what I'd like to see. Things I'd like to see. Like, when you wake up one day and kind of want to go jogging, but you also want to record a song for yourself to jog to. So you fart it out, and go jogging the best jog you've ever done. Ok, before the second component, I want to hear another example. Hm. Ha, ok, here's one. Ever feel like you've been deprived of a childhood? No. Well, let's say you were deprived, and you never got your saturday morning cartoons. Hah, I like how this one is going. Yeah, you can sit and just create a cast of goofy superheroes that teach you lessons you probably didn't even know you knew. Yeah, but the saturday morning television angle specifically- could also probably do some campy live action rescue ranger er hah hey why not Powered Range-men?

Yeah, I see what I mean. Still feel like something is missing.. Plus I could write stories based upon book titles that I've never read. Like, how they give off the impression of something far out. Basically judging books by their cover, yet being convince that your judgment is actually what is in the book. Ok, then the business part. Yeah, I've had this conversation before. I know. Oh yeah? Nice paychecks, then. Hey. Well, I guess I have some capital now.. Hopefully. Wait, but "entertainment" was given a different spin on what it means in the context of "entertainment business." Hm, well then. Four components. Each word in half. The word in its connotation with the two word phrase, and how it benefits yourself. Though, business begins to explain itself.

Alright, well I think I've had enough. Well, I haven't. So, pace.

Seriously No Trend

Just need to remind myself to check that other 'professional' email account.

It's crazy to watch honey dripping into a bigger container of honey. I got a check. I don't know where it's from, though. Plus, I'm lying. Oh yeah, off tomorrow. I deem that my final chance to see that movie I've been trying to nab the opportunity to see. Agh, one of these 'update' types of posts. Well, I have much more to offer each day, but the problem is that, while I'm in someone else's house- the internet is stopped at 12 or earlier. Bullpie. But if self-indulgence and crazy notions about the future is (or are) the reason(s) I need to keep track of what the hell has the ability to go on...then, fine. I wonder if I'll have the.. oh my god I can't remember the 'I' word. Ok, "initiative." The initiative to ugh... 'draw' then I'll at least know I can think (heh can't remember that figure of speech) at the... _______. Or something.

That's what usually happens. Clearly, I'm allowed to give myself a break, but I can't tell. I don't have "anything on my mind." Seems like it's just goals. One of those "anything you set yer mind to. Hey." binds. I'm basically (ha a reason to use the word again) involved in this glitch where I'm able to describe a day that I wasn't supposed to remember.

Oh yeah, I need to sit and think of every single memory I can remember. I bet I can. The first one is always that time I fell off the go-cart at my dad's friend Martin's house. I can't remember if that where I got those scrapes on my face or if it was that time I feel on some brick stairs at the projects. Heh the go-cart was probably more bodily. Oh yeah and the time I laid on my back right in an ant pile, pretending to be a dog trying to get its belly rubbed. Uncle Jerry's friend, or whoever, rubbed calamine lotion on my back. Ugh. Still, if I can remember I poured honey and got a check today, then I should be good. Ah, and Tash driving me back here with Chaz. They got their apartment or whatever. That cake I ate today because it expired today. How I vividly remember one week ago, them being put in display. While my mom was being forced to listen to a joke that someone was forced to try to say. Pretending not to know specifics.

Ha, the juxtaposition of all the stupid places you end up in the course of your life. Hiking with people who would later become enemies, while imagining that you're a monkey or something. The first time I ever got a hold of the word "bee-otch" er "beyotch" or whatever. My aunt's Marilyn Manson phase and how incredibly unlikely that'd seem, kind of. Using my camcorder to record a music video about a "bandanna and a vendetta," not fully knowing what a "vendetta" is. And I'll always remember when I broke my favorite root beer mug. That entire apartment. Oh man, those kittens. Star. A dog named "Tank?" Gah, this all has existed.

Memories. Which reminds me. Photographic memory.