Perspective

Alright.
I woke up at 2:50 PM, for example. I mean, I was supposed to be in Atlanta, eating lunch.
I should be ashamed of myself, really. I went to sleep at 6 am, after having woken up at 11 pm. I thought it was around 4 am when I woke up, though. Before that, I went to sleep at some point in the afternoon. Uh. Well I didn't sleep the night before, and went to sleep from 12 to 4, I guess. Nightmare.

I did, embarrassingly, dream though. But it's not ok because the only reason for that must just be some type of change in my diet. Whether an amount of food, or just one dollar-store brand pain pill, this also must be a result of this whole sleep-terror-carnage-hammer crap that I must be doing. It is very stomachache-worthy.

But why "write" after all this time? Because. It's one of the things that I do, apparently. You know, so I can be all "I do this, this, and this kinda". Maybe, though. It'll just be a part of it. It's ok because I know for fact that me doing this right now has absolutely no histrionic intention. And as a note to me in the future; I know.. it only gets more ironic. Eh, I'll only learn more about new words I guess.

Ok, so it's too late for me to respond to my job offer, I'm sure. So, the only other option is to wait out this hedonism, and do something new. At least something new won't be grueling. Yeah yeah yeah, the feeling of "dread" at the thought of putting on an apron and washing veggies. I'm still not ok with that. I found a dead spider in the celery once. Oh yeah, that's why I came up with that "pest vs. pesticide" crap. True, though.

Alright so I'll do this. My thought is just that if I have something to show for being alone, then it'll only gain me merits. No frosting and representational bacon for me, no more. "Alright, I get it. Beds are comfy." And anything that you can have an argument with yourself about it just good television.

Yall, I'm Donkey.

Trouble

Well, I don't know. I'm getting a sense of "offended". I am somewhere in this thing about.. I don't know. You know how I am. I end up talking about junk like "universes" and stuff. Of course the only remedy is to be in what you call the "real world" and just get into some trouble. Apparently, these are called "reality checks". They're actually pretty stupid, but I'll bite. Last night, yeah, I was in the "real" world, just kind of being forced into a bad situation that I somehow apparently got myself into. Stupid. Any serious situation is actually just stupid, at this point. What is this.. "desensitized"? Well, like I had kind of tried to say before... there's got to be a difference between desensitized and just thinking a lot more than feeling in certain situations.

Ok, I won't really ever claim to be "wrong," but just imagine having an internal conflict where the only goal is to prove that whatever I did was right. This situation kind of applies to a lot, I guess. Kind of seems to be my ultimate lesson this year. Goes something like.. Trying to make things right before "it's too late" can probably only make things get worse.. or at least more "wrong". I, in respect for myself, just can't necessarily allow someone to tell me I'm wrong. It's just.. not the right type of thing to be told. Then, it feels like I'm doing a whole lot of good things in order to sort of "save up" for one 'bad' thing. There's no telling. There's no right opinion.

Eh. I know I'm just listing a bunch of iceberg tips worth of topics, but it's all I can do. I have this notebook, that I call my Sort this $#!* out book. You know. Ugh. I know. I just feel as though, reality or not, I need to sort out my "universes". I know that me even talking about stuff like that is only a phase, but maybe it's what I need to do right now. I guess this counts as my "trial and error" type of thing. Where I actually do try things, and find out how it doesn't work. Actually, one thing about last night... What about situations where I actually don't think before I speak. Ha because that was my only fault. Saying something. Admitting, basically. Still, it's like a rare thing. I'm not one to say things that end up making things wrong. That's whats odd. One of those things that really make you into a kook. Convincing yourself that deus ex machina is goin' on.. except opposite. Eh. Well, I mean. At this point, the one thing I'd like to make right is that I am not, nor will I ever be, considered a "bad friend" or "not a friend". No.

Ok, whatever. I don't deserve to be embarrassed, therefore, I won't be. I'm fine, I'm good.

Wave

Yeah, ok. Maybe I can do it here finally. I've been trying to write something decent about the past couple of days. You know. Computer has been virus'd for about a week or so. I actually don't remember. But it's almost necessary now to even admit to using a computer. Here it is.

Even still- to have written about the past few days. Isn't that something? That's what I've been doing this year. Well, I won't go into it as it is another "you can't enjoy the year when you're describing everything that happens" or something, but that's some of it. Either way, it's now November.. and even more surprising, it's a little after November 11th. There's no way to document what that means to me, but that is just fast.

Just as well, it's doing that whole daylight savings thing. Well, something has to have just come over me. I was telling myself that I am beginning to finally lose memory.. but then I realized that I actually haven't been doing anything enough to remember anything. I don't know. I can probably look back on this period of time as just "hospital visits and nothing happening". Yeah, I think it's safe to say "nothing is happening," whether or not it's true, at this point. Well, I guess, nothing was happening there for a moment.. Now I'm into the school application process. Er.

Well before it's too late, I've been wanting to say "you'll see," a lot. It doesn't work here. It's not the same as me automatically thinking the words "Follow Me" when I put a pen to a piece of paper or the back of a notebook. It's important. It's important for me to know, at least. I've been needing to make some point. I keep thinking of things to day and it just resolves in "you'll see". Who? Whatever. Whatever that stuff in the air is is doing a number of things to me. Besides the forgetting, it's making me feel unsure of myself, if that's the right way to say it. I keep thinking I need to make one good point, one good thing to say, and then I won't be so agitated. I guess I can't explain. Actually, it's like that paranoia feeling... oh boy.. which brings up the past couple of days which I have yet to bring up. One thing to be said before that, though. Forgetting, paranoia, trying to make some delusional point, and these "heavy" dreams. Eh, actually sounds like certain side effects. Mental crap. It's not the same. It's missing something. But isn't that how it always takes over? Making you think that something different is happening? Tell myself "it's probably only the weather", "it's probably only a hormone"?

I tried to explain this week many times. Maybe I'd have to wait until it's over? Well, I don't want to forget by that time. Isn't that what this week is about? The ability to forget? Well, according to what I just said, it's one among other things. I'm not sure if I'm willing to forget, yet. I worry. The first sign of this.. actually was on Sunday. So I'm clear? Something got me into a mode. I was thinking about this year's end fading into a whole other year. 2011? That one? I hope I'm not lying around in bed, some day in the middle of 2011. It'll happen. I hope I'm not just sitting on a phone chatting about what could-be-about-to-be as the sun goes down, next year. It's like, I have a very particular conversation with people, mapping out exactly what can happen and how to do it, and then a week happens. Fide's right. Somebody's out there setting the parameters. Changing the waves so we think in a different direction, every couple of seconds. Why do we keep switching it around? Do we all have a different idea of how things go or is somebody just doing some dastardly stuff to us? Right. I just imagined it. Going back to school, probably having the gall to move out of this house.. this safe house.. and it just turns into 'hanging out' or 'hanging around' for another ghastly amount of time. Paradox of "I just can't wait on other people". Really, though. What is the one thing? There is no one thing. That again. Those again. Do I really see myself doing what I want to be doing in 2011? Joke is on you. I'm the only one optimistic, here.

Right. That was Sunday. Inward. Then, Monday was the time I stepped foot outdoors. What a hellfire. I just went to the bank, and then onto reading a book. Then the book made me think for a bit. Then those thoughts reminded me of my dad. So I called him. I mindlessly ran into Hank. Espresso. He told me his story. His story. You never know. I've never considered biographies. I heard what I wanted to hear, I suppose. Hm, but the more I tell the events of the day, the more I realize that we all might be in the same mood. Under that same ol' wave that must've come over me. Well, not really based on him or anything. That just gave me a story to tell. Also, I might have imagined seeing a certain person that I know, but I didn't look back. Hard to explain, but there was a person sitting on a car whose face I didn't have time to look at. I don't know.

How I just keep coming back and wondering what I must have just written about. I actually don't remember the very last thing I said. Oh right. Yeah, Monday. Someone's offers to take you to a place, you go. Finished a book that night. Conan premiered. Still, a lot of talk about "I just saw the devil" that no one can really take back. It really just creeps into your brain. That again reminds me of the dreams I must be having this week. I think I caught one, but I don't remember. They've been kicking me old school.

Two days this week I've gone to the school to turn something in. Both times, I run into Nathan and Matthew. It just happens. To go any farther into talking about that'd just be stress. I ended up at "political club" today. I must've been a fool. I really just stay in comfort zones. I've done everything, though. Someone must be keeping me sheltered. Well, whatever. That's this week. Eh, I'm getting that negative "school" feeling, I guess. I'll see. I can't tell if this is like the tiptoe of the year, though. What does November look like?

I hope I snap out of it. Or back into something else. September was a good one. Except the 25th. You'd think I'd have nerves of steel by now, but I guess I lack experience. Hell. I don't know if I've been in some 'twilight of my own secret thoughts' though because I'm regenerating old mindsetsahhellwhatever. Not to mention, I didn't even mention "After All". That'll never happen.

Goodness. Ha.

Bonkers

Yeah, I finally went cuckoo. I know, I know. No proof. That's fine. It's probably just a bodily function, then. I'm just wondering how many jokes I'd make about myself once I was declared a loon. I continue to claim to not have anything to do with the whole "insanity" craze, but that's kind of a tough one to shake off. I can picture my eyes literally opening up to the fact that I actually do nothing more than confuse folks. I actually do "take the long way around things". So, I mean. I need to calm down. Not "who's to say what's normal?" or anything, but I need to stop stopping in the middle of everything I say. Do I need to stop?

I've just been going back to that phase of getting confused and terrified by regular people. Yeah the whole "people aren't real" thing, but yes regular people. I just get the feeling that people are just being hardcore versions of people. Laughing and enjoying things- no I am not "disgusted" like it sounds, but I really really really feel uncomfortable. I am really really really convinced that everything is set up. Now, I know my limits. I know that I am able to steadily believe that "people don't exist" and "most people are fake" and "some people are background characters" and "aw, I love people" and "hate 'em" and "hey" and "some people are bad some people are good some people are smart and some are dumb" all at the same time, and it all makes sense... but now I actually feel all these things at once...? Agh. No. I'm not trusting anything. Yeah, it's got to be a chemical thing.

This may be the first time that vacation will actually do me good. I think I now know how to be ok with not working on something. Heh. Contradiction: it's 5 am. I'm clearly not satisfied. It's clear that there's something going on in my system. It's also probably the cause. I already know what may just be the cure.

Earlier, I sat and tried to perfect my miniature "bio". Heh. "About Me." Not here, though. The public one. That's another thing that's been kind of making me uneasy. The fact that I was even re-writing it was just not legitimate. I was actually trying to write about myself. To compete. I basically wrote it, about 5 times. I beginning to obsess. I thought about how I inherited a need to get everyone I ever met, together. I wanted to keep in a part about how I accidentally help people. I listed words that I have been described as. I tried to insist that I need the opposite of an ego boost. Then, I realized... Since when do I describe myself? I am revealing the "secret". I'm thinking two things at the same time. Of course, I'm not trying to have a bunch of questions asked about me... well actually yeah I'd prefer that to just being plain wondered about. Fine, never mind those. What I ended up saying was something about how anything that I begin to say that might be "personal" I just turn into nonsense. Then that just makes me "interesting". It's ridiculous. All by accident. All entanglement.

Actually had a conversation, in a dire moment. Heh, I sat to a meal in a fast-food restaurant by myself. I lost it because this was my actual visual manifestation of somebody who has given up completely. I cringe at the sight of a lonely middle-aged woman eating a sandwich. That is my personal ultimate horror. Later I found out that the man who was sitting behind me was actually basically insane. You know... yelling at folks. Still, when I left I just happened to see, heh, Zane. That's as far as I'll go. His full name just drove me even more mad because of a certain character in a book. We talked, more than I expected. Just like all of my other friends, he has had time to think. Ugh. No way these words were coming out of his mouth. I've had this conversation with each of my close friends. It's always new.

I mean. I am actually getting "blind-sighted" by stupid little things. If you're on my side, don't get offended by what he said- "you seem like a college guy who likes to hang out and party, but when you go home you probably write poetry and cut yourself." I literally had to jump up and scream when he said that because it's kind of true. For someone who has just met me at this point in time, yeah. I couldn't figure out the "cut" part, but it actually put the rest of the statement in some "real life" package. This is how I must seem. That's not so good. That's the story of my life. New Year's Day, I'm optimistic and I try to reason with situations and I have faith in people. The moment after my birthday, I distrust people and I don't believe in situations.

So this year, I was just knowingly a ridiculous trying-to-impress "interesting" man. One of the things that you become out of shear avoidance. Now, I am just a wacko. Great. All of that. Then just this.

Oh yeah, I forgot. Situations where I am sure that no one ever has a problem with. They seem freshly complicated. Grant's family still has my camera, and he's in Brazil. I was supposed to get it from him before he left, but then he said his dad would drop it off with me. Fine. Apparently they still need it. I'll let them borrow it for a bit longer. I have no idea why, but I can't fathom any response to any...anything. I don't get it. I literally don't understand what any of that means. Plus, there's a public information problem that I literally do not.. ugh. This is new, I've never been able to not understand...not remember... It actually "hurts"... like something inside me is being given an "indian burn" er whatever. You know. Wringing. I feel dried up.

I'll just rest. No, wait.

Praise

To be honest, my sense of self.
I'm sort of believing that there were some points where I did change who I was. I just didn't necessarily agree with that plausibility. I don't want to say that I change who I am everyday, every hour, or more likely- by the year. Plus my sense of self may actually be "inflating." I'm actually not showing any signs of narcissism, so this must just be encouragement. Sounds like people want me to move forward. Good because once it's televised, someone else can point out whether or not I change by the season.

It also makes me blatantly dread "work." Nah, I can't tell anyone that I work. I can't tell anyone what I think about college. My standards is what keeps me away from college. Generally, it's just that I can't find a school that's good enough for me, at this point. That's what it sounds like. Under that, the reasoning is that I wasn't really singled out in high school just because I did sort of have too much of a high standard for.. not sure I remember what I told myself earlier. Still, it made sense that I was more of a "perfectionist" on the way out. Leaving was just some fire exit. Now I think I'd kind of... "make school my bitch" as it goes. There's the problem. One of them. I was too good to do what I had to do to set myself up for college, and now I'm too good to take baby steps. Well, I shouldn't punish myself with these words. I was "too good" because I shouldn't have been responsible for that whole 3-year long stint I had with geometry. I'm sorry, but Geometry in my life is absolutely absurd. Aneurysm worthy. It's a great form of math, I know- it's technically right up my alley, but it's literally someone sticking their leg out for me to fall right on my nose. Clearly fate. I know that I know Geometry. Well, in all honesty- all honesty, old female teachers will not teach me math.

What I mean is that I couldn't just make up for the time I missed while the rest of my class sat back and said "yeah, dude." Actually. Odd history between math and I. Still, I was too good to spend time out of school to make up for something that will not be my fault. As a result, I have not taken my SATs. I still have no idea what grades I left school with. Oh my god. Horror in realizing that the only time I've explained that was in my job interview. "Yeah, I was pretty good in school." Eh ok that's enough. I was just unaware of what grades really were until 11th grade. I'm just not sure what all this says about me. Not bad, really.

ok. It's true, I may be giving away all the mystery of what once was "the famous 'Pito'" but if someone is doing that much research, then the word "famous" can't really fade. I don't mean insults.. it can't really sound like that. Still, the mystery doesn't lie in the everyday reality.. Actually it might. Nevermind. Still- glad someone knows that I "need to get out of this place." The anonymous "place." I know it won't mean this house, specifically, but I appreciate the concern. I lack aggression, therefore I owe it to some folks to get out of here. I'm already halfway done. I suppose that's why health can't matter much, anymore. All that anyone is waiting for, is for one of those people who care to actually be themselves multiplied. An agreement is what will give me who's I am.

Sort of brings to mind another example of high standards. Also another reason I am cautious of college. I'll start out by explaining how I wouldn't want to get any book published by some publishing company. I'm referring to Justin's situation with Charlie D. I am almost afraid to see him get published in that horrifying way. Some company, "yeah some writer wrote some stuff, he'll make us some dollars." Record labels, talent scouts, college, skateboarding... teams? I get the illusion that I'm holding the string of a balloon, but the balloon is actually just a big sack of meat. A whale, caught in some net. Other people have to give us a boost. That's the rule. Kind of like my mom's fear of being under things (ie airplanes, bridges). That's why I've been giving myself so much more than I can chew. I'm trying to do it allllll by myself. Compensation makes sense, somewhere. I need someone to directly respond to this, and tell me to quit.

Hell, ok. Why not a conclusion to standards that involves some mmm hot topic of relationship? Well, that's actually just an entire other thing I was more willing to explain, about a week ago. Point is- these things that attribute to my "inflated sense of self" (which should no longer be referred to as such) cause me to think that I can only be involved with a certain female that has a lot of absurd features. I read about this, too. I may cause myself to believe... actually I see no reason not to. I'm in control. Anyway, what I was saying is that, blah, causes of someone's definition of "obsessive love." Actually, yeah. This is very irrelevant, now. It'll come off wrong, either way. You know when you have something that you knew you were supposed to explain eventually, and it just gets brought up at the wrong time? Yea. Somewhere, in here.

If only I were tired often. I would be ok with a bunch of me's running around. Not in that way, though. Just, sleep would be too important for me to not live in the wild.

Caution tape. Pile.

No Not Now

I actually have the right to say today was a bad day. I don't even remember the bulk of it, willingly. I went to... work... at 7:30 this morning. I was a little late or something but good God, what the hell? Where the hell did this come from? How the hell did I end up with a job? I was just sitting here, literally minding business of my own, and all at once I have an obligation to get up and go to work. Then, of course, the whole nation economy "should be glad to have job" thing. Well, in that case, it's the same situation as last year. I should be grateful about things? I'm incredibly grateful in my own way, but there are valid reasons not to be in the right light.

Ok fine, not allowed to complain or something. I did need someone to talk to, though. Too many things are caused by other folks' feelings, so even if I did get a response it's be like scattered because it's not exactly what was wanted to be said. Yeah, it would be. I would happen to hear exactly what I needed to hear. Or should I rely on that? I'm just not in the mood to work in a produce section in January 2010.. er February, mostly. So I went on my first ever lunch break of all time. Saw two people I knew. He was right. I was "trippin' " stumbling over everything I was doing, at that point because of my shock at the fact that here the hell I am.

That's about when I found out I wasn't even done. I did whatever else it was that I did, then I walked around aimlessly, putting off using the phone. I eventually called Nick because it's Friday, and I got him to get Alex to pick me up. I gave her the chocolate that my sister gave me, and we went to the high school. I went in by myself, and saw Fide in the hall. He was so clearly in a bad mood. He was in an 'everything pointless' somewhat mood. You can tell, at this point, that bad mood is in the air today. We went into Philosophy Club for a second, but he wasn't really up for it, so we just sat out and tried to find our own bit of meaning.

Then, the solitude broke, as the usual Friday happened. Alex was at the school, ready to pick us up to hang out with Igor. We got in the car, and she was crying again and that whole thing worked itself out. Then, I got anxious so I called my mom. I was going to call and mention that I was planning on going to Nico's but oh well, that's gone.

I actually dreaded coming back here, today. This morning was the absolute worst. "Make your bed" bull shit. Fuck that. And that's a valid point. I did not want to come back to this place of all places after a day of doing those things of all things. My time spent on this planet, or whatever. I'm worried. On the way here, I finally asked Tash why she had to go and set me up with this mess and I guess she did what she could to help. When we got here, I was not ready to back down after such a literally dreadful day. Ha, I dreaded each moment actually. I talked and I yelled and I complained, kicked and screamed basically, all the things you do when you feel trapped. A settlement was reached. After I noted the intricacies of these horrible personal living conditions, I gained an edge in the conversation. I listed all the minor details of being in this house, including: that disgusting feeling of the door knob to the pantry, the grime that I try to avoid getting under my fingernails when I open a cabinet, the limited showers, having to get offline at midnight, the internet cutting off when the phone rings.

I can't go into that right now. I'm not even sure I want to remember this. Imagine how disgusting hindsight of this place must be. Basically, any other ideas would be an escape plan. All I can think of would ultimately be described as the secret passage way. Not secret, though. Backdoor, again. If I become a full-time student (wait, what?) or get a better job offer, or if we just go ahead and move to the house in Alabama. All backdoor. The full-time student thing was just kind of pushed by the fact that I watched the writer-director commentary of a certain movie, last night. Made me realize that I don't necessarily have the means by which to do the whole 'pick up a camera and film' thing. I can try either way, but school would be the only way for me to try out the school concept.

I'll do some research. Right now, I'm just discontent.

Is My Zone Tapped?

Grain. So I'm still here, actually. Stuck in this glitch, as if I accidentally walked into shore. And I actually just now went to experience that for myself. I don't know what I saw. And I love not being able to type at all.

Ok, recupe. I'm not able to move out, for some reason. Not able to do anything, and it's hideous. No one has good advice, though. Delusional because I can't remember anything.

So I guess it just makes it better that we're remaking last year. Last year was good, this year was bad. So, I mean. Waiting it out. But I like this time of year, so it's all escape fate. Unless it's role reversal. Whereas, the end of last year kept getting bad, and this year was actually bad, maybe it will get good. But then people's opinions of a good year. Loads of deaths, though.

Ok, well I don't think anyone can get it through their heads that I am in this bind. No one out there is able to see me here, and anyone here thinks this is paradise.

Just like what made me like this in the first place. When I lived in Griffin, the chapter of my life no one knows about. I refuse to relive it, and I am not going to be in a place where I can't wander around aimlessly after midnight. And I will not listen to reruns any more. Ok I am about to stab ijnfc ook ok ok stopo,