At Least

Ah, erm. I wanted to say something about not being allowed to brag about my own personality traits, or something. Hold up, my leg is bouncing up and down while my arm iss resting on itt. I'm typing. Yeah I mean, half of me is thinking that the pressure should be on. Most of me agrees that things are going ok. Things are going according to plan, I suppose. Then comes the unplanned. Heh, my dad is in the hospital right now, after a car accident. Of course, I am unable to head to Atlanta to visit him. I'm just not sure about how I am reacting. I am sure that anything I can say right now, about this situation, would be considered exploitation. To myself, at least. Ok, let me just say that this is an example of me thinking rather than feeling. If we can put aside the severity of the problem, I just want to reflect on this aspect... Well, I don't know.. People that are motivated by feelings, are they the ones who announce to the world this type of stuff? This is going to be a hard thought-process to untangle, though.

No feelings happen when I get news like this, which cannot be a bad thing, but if they did... what would they be? Worry vs. Concern... What am I doing right now? What should I be doing right now? I am at ease, for the most part. I just don't know if I should be. My left leg is shaking, and that is all. The same leg was shaking around this time, last year. I was just writing a story and I noticed the things that must be on my mind right now. Once again, the news has found its way into my thoughts. Yesterday was the first I had even heard of those miners in Chile. That aggravated me, at first. Some news story that I didn't even know about, having an almost ineffective outcome. Comedians had to break that piece of news to me. Why am I hearing this story, and why will it be in my subconscious for a while? I guess the story was irrelevant to me, until now. I won't explain why.

Let's try it this way. I woke up at eleven, and was alert by 11:30. Today, I had plans for me to: message two people about my phone number, finish my financial aid thing, and call Hank and my dad. The only thing I did not do was call Hank. I held off on breakfast because I really was not in the mood to give that soy milk another chance. Right. I called my dad, and he didn't answer the first time. I was still in bed. A minute later, he called me back. He seemed to just be waking up, too. Apparently, this was his day off from his new job. He told me that it was a good thing that they gave him a day off because he was feeling a little bit sick. It's flu season, I suppose. It was a short phone call, but he said he would get in touch Saturday. So, my day started. I showered and turned on my computer monitor to see that I had set aside some videos for me to edit today. I guess I edited two, and looked through the rest. Meanwhile, it was my mom who was finishing up my financial aid for me. I didn't expect that at all. Somewhere along the way, I guess the video editing did cut into the afternoon. Not sure if I remember where the time went today.

It was evening, and in a rare occasion, I sat on the couch and watched tv. Actually, I had been encouraging myself to watch tv more often in order to keep myself aware of the ways that shows are written and stuff. I was watching Seinfeld, when I got a call from my dad's phone number. When I answered, I heard my dad's friend. She told me that he was in the hospital after a car accident. In hindsight, this reaction is familiar. I'll try not to keep that in mind. But see, all I can think about is exploitation. How do people react to others when they are in pain? I'm sorry, but if I say what is actually going on in my head, then..

Every thought is going through my head. The hilarity, the horror, the satire, the honesty, the memories, the news, the stories, the offense, the defense, the ugly, and whatever the opposites to all those things are. And more. I was already thinking these things, though. It's a paradox because none of this is caused by hearing that my dad is in intensive care, and it is at the same time. Was I already going to talk about something? Was I already planning to talk about my weekend? Will I forget the weekend completely? Hah, it's officially Friday. When did my weekend end? What am I allowed to be thinking about? Should I be concentrating on getting to hospital to visit my dad? Should I be thinking about things to cover that whole thing up?
Current Mood: Waiting.
Let's be honest, I'll do the family thing and "keep him in my prayers," at the very least. I guess all that is really on anyone's mind at the minute, though, is get-rich-quick. Nothing unexpected, just really amplified to me.. you know, besides this entry's main concern and due to loss of interest in certain other folks. I was really wanting to write about how I have over 14 things that I am working on. I already did that, kinda. It was just going to be about me being slick about the fact that I am able to handle various things with no problem. Then I was going to have the realization that I am not even actively working on those things. That's out of the question, I guess. Now, all I can think is "well, my dad's in the hospital" when I'm trying to maintain focus on this keyboard. That quote is really a balancing act. I'm imagining that I really should not imagine anything too far to the right of that statement. If anything, I'll lean more to the left. On the left, are the good thoughts. Alright, fine. I can't even remember what mental disorder that is. Doesn't matter though.

Yeah, too many things at once. Too many thoughts at once, rather. I know I am not in denial, (don't speak in absolutes) and I know that at the very back of my mind I really just want to mention an episode of King of the Hill that I just watched. Nothing really, just the fact that Bobby was in "the hole" at the military camp, er academy thing that he was sent to. Chile, again. The story I was just writing, again. "Keep him in your prayers," again. The right side.

At the end, I guess there's no use in worrying about others exploiting emotions when they feel more than they think. It all comes back to personality types. Thinkers and feelers. It also comes back to that Stephen King interview I just read. He mentioned something hypothetical about getting into a car accident and thinking "this is just like the movies" rather than being worried about his safety. I'll admit, my heart just skipped when my eyes moved from the name Stephen King up to where I had written King of the Hill, but ah well. Connecting things. I'll ignore it if I have to. As of now, I still haven't read anything by the man. Just about him. It's almost like when I started listening to Frank Zappa. I just read his quotes. Then came the 3 discs of music. Eh, whatever. Wish I could stick to one topic, though. Also, my aunt thinks that my dad might have blacked out before the accident because my dad's friend said he hadn't eaten before then. Could also be the flu. Or any other sickness that would be going around. At the end of it all, it's probably just more exploitation.

I can't even tell where I am thinking.

Rough. Tough.

Really getting in there. It's just.. taking its toll.
I don't think I did anything, today. I didn't try to, like I did yesterday, but I think it took me by surprise. I mean, yesterday, yeah I did try to do nothing but I ended up editing and posting the first of my series. It's officially kick-started. Hm. So, I got good responses. But today.. I don't know. It was good but-- actually-- today might just "not exist". The whole reason I started writing a lot this year. It's one of those things I like to compare to sophomore year. The one that it just kind of preparatory for other days, like tomorrow.

Then, allow me to be real here, my facebook account was disabled. Yeah, I mean. Hell, I don't know. Appropriate for me, though. The Social Network is in theaters tomorrow, er probably in a few minutes. Oh well. I knew that if that ever happened to me, my only regret would be all of those conversations that these employees consider to be expendable. Corruption. We're expendable. Yet, fake profiles.. eh oh well. At the same time, though, it's one of those... parallels.. One of the things that comes to mind is just, you know, how it's basically like dying. Like I said- parallels. Not realllly like dying. What I mean is that, kind of like when someone dies in real life.. you kind of think "aw, they never even got to see _____" (like a movie or some event that happens right afterward). It's not about missing it, it's about not being allowed. Agh. I'm trying to say that, as being kicked out of a large network of people, death is like... being kicked out of a large group of people. One might retort "yeah but there are more dead people than alive" and I think.. "yeah, exactly". Plus, I won't even find out why my account was disabled. I'm a victim, here. Still, it's just this website. It really has become a monster, though. Nothing bad, just a monster. I mean it very well could be evil, but just a monster. Do you know what I mean, at all?

Just saying. In the same way all of my favorite stupid little quotes may just be vanished from history- don't jump to any conclusions, reader- ok screw it. There's no way to explain it without having it sound like it's turning into one of those "man, insignificance" or "ah man, all my stuff" or "whoa, I'm really gone" or anything like that. It's not. In fact, I was just going to mention my major comparison to all of this and then just drop the topic. No. I am going to remember how I was going to word this.
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Right.. The whole. "One life to live" "y'only live once" blah blah. Because no matter how I say anything, folks reading in correctly will remark "why put so much thought into facebook?" and then of course "don't worry about how people read things". Worst part of all, I'm not even having one of those nights. One of those nights where I actually am thinking about the various possible reactions given from people. And me explaining that only gets me deeper, and me thinking about that only reminds me of how when Nick gets into one of these situations, explaining himself only makes it worse. Fine. I abort.

Hye, how's it going.? Really. I actually mistyped "hey". Today was fine. Wait, no.. am I in a mood? I could have sworn I was in a neutral mindset all day. This is horrifying. What on earth am I thinking, these days? Well, it's October now. I've got a thing to look forward to. I think.

Oh well.