At Least

Ah, erm. I wanted to say something about not being allowed to brag about my own personality traits, or something. Hold up, my leg is bouncing up and down while my arm iss resting on itt. I'm typing. Yeah I mean, half of me is thinking that the pressure should be on. Most of me agrees that things are going ok. Things are going according to plan, I suppose. Then comes the unplanned. Heh, my dad is in the hospital right now, after a car accident. Of course, I am unable to head to Atlanta to visit him. I'm just not sure about how I am reacting. I am sure that anything I can say right now, about this situation, would be considered exploitation. To myself, at least. Ok, let me just say that this is an example of me thinking rather than feeling. If we can put aside the severity of the problem, I just want to reflect on this aspect... Well, I don't know.. People that are motivated by feelings, are they the ones who announce to the world this type of stuff? This is going to be a hard thought-process to untangle, though.

No feelings happen when I get news like this, which cannot be a bad thing, but if they did... what would they be? Worry vs. Concern... What am I doing right now? What should I be doing right now? I am at ease, for the most part. I just don't know if I should be. My left leg is shaking, and that is all. The same leg was shaking around this time, last year. I was just writing a story and I noticed the things that must be on my mind right now. Once again, the news has found its way into my thoughts. Yesterday was the first I had even heard of those miners in Chile. That aggravated me, at first. Some news story that I didn't even know about, having an almost ineffective outcome. Comedians had to break that piece of news to me. Why am I hearing this story, and why will it be in my subconscious for a while? I guess the story was irrelevant to me, until now. I won't explain why.

Let's try it this way. I woke up at eleven, and was alert by 11:30. Today, I had plans for me to: message two people about my phone number, finish my financial aid thing, and call Hank and my dad. The only thing I did not do was call Hank. I held off on breakfast because I really was not in the mood to give that soy milk another chance. Right. I called my dad, and he didn't answer the first time. I was still in bed. A minute later, he called me back. He seemed to just be waking up, too. Apparently, this was his day off from his new job. He told me that it was a good thing that they gave him a day off because he was feeling a little bit sick. It's flu season, I suppose. It was a short phone call, but he said he would get in touch Saturday. So, my day started. I showered and turned on my computer monitor to see that I had set aside some videos for me to edit today. I guess I edited two, and looked through the rest. Meanwhile, it was my mom who was finishing up my financial aid for me. I didn't expect that at all. Somewhere along the way, I guess the video editing did cut into the afternoon. Not sure if I remember where the time went today.

It was evening, and in a rare occasion, I sat on the couch and watched tv. Actually, I had been encouraging myself to watch tv more often in order to keep myself aware of the ways that shows are written and stuff. I was watching Seinfeld, when I got a call from my dad's phone number. When I answered, I heard my dad's friend. She told me that he was in the hospital after a car accident. In hindsight, this reaction is familiar. I'll try not to keep that in mind. But see, all I can think about is exploitation. How do people react to others when they are in pain? I'm sorry, but if I say what is actually going on in my head, then..

Every thought is going through my head. The hilarity, the horror, the satire, the honesty, the memories, the news, the stories, the offense, the defense, the ugly, and whatever the opposites to all those things are. And more. I was already thinking these things, though. It's a paradox because none of this is caused by hearing that my dad is in intensive care, and it is at the same time. Was I already going to talk about something? Was I already planning to talk about my weekend? Will I forget the weekend completely? Hah, it's officially Friday. When did my weekend end? What am I allowed to be thinking about? Should I be concentrating on getting to hospital to visit my dad? Should I be thinking about things to cover that whole thing up?
Current Mood: Waiting.
Let's be honest, I'll do the family thing and "keep him in my prayers," at the very least. I guess all that is really on anyone's mind at the minute, though, is get-rich-quick. Nothing unexpected, just really amplified to me.. you know, besides this entry's main concern and due to loss of interest in certain other folks. I was really wanting to write about how I have over 14 things that I am working on. I already did that, kinda. It was just going to be about me being slick about the fact that I am able to handle various things with no problem. Then I was going to have the realization that I am not even actively working on those things. That's out of the question, I guess. Now, all I can think is "well, my dad's in the hospital" when I'm trying to maintain focus on this keyboard. That quote is really a balancing act. I'm imagining that I really should not imagine anything too far to the right of that statement. If anything, I'll lean more to the left. On the left, are the good thoughts. Alright, fine. I can't even remember what mental disorder that is. Doesn't matter though.

Yeah, too many things at once. Too many thoughts at once, rather. I know I am not in denial, (don't speak in absolutes) and I know that at the very back of my mind I really just want to mention an episode of King of the Hill that I just watched. Nothing really, just the fact that Bobby was in "the hole" at the military camp, er academy thing that he was sent to. Chile, again. The story I was just writing, again. "Keep him in your prayers," again. The right side.

At the end, I guess there's no use in worrying about others exploiting emotions when they feel more than they think. It all comes back to personality types. Thinkers and feelers. It also comes back to that Stephen King interview I just read. He mentioned something hypothetical about getting into a car accident and thinking "this is just like the movies" rather than being worried about his safety. I'll admit, my heart just skipped when my eyes moved from the name Stephen King up to where I had written King of the Hill, but ah well. Connecting things. I'll ignore it if I have to. As of now, I still haven't read anything by the man. Just about him. It's almost like when I started listening to Frank Zappa. I just read his quotes. Then came the 3 discs of music. Eh, whatever. Wish I could stick to one topic, though. Also, my aunt thinks that my dad might have blacked out before the accident because my dad's friend said he hadn't eaten before then. Could also be the flu. Or any other sickness that would be going around. At the end of it all, it's probably just more exploitation.

I can't even tell where I am thinking.

Leisure Cout

yawn oh yeah, no. Another failed attempt to try to see that movie in theaters. Can't see why it isn't meant for me to see the movie, though. I think it's a money thing. I have the money. I may have even set aside the money to see this movie. Is it not the right time? Why would this movie, of all movies, only be at one theater and have only 2 obscure showing times. Seriously. It's like one of those plot devices. It's just there to kind of, fill the list of movies currently playing. Oh my god. Now it's not even playing anymore. Well, here goes a note to self. [Make sure that one day you get a private screening of 'that movie' in a theater.]

I'm not into just seeing movies. It's just this one that I was specifically trying to go see. So. Oh well. Imagine spending all that money on making a movie, specifically for the purpose of not letting anyone watch it. What is this, a Dear Diary type of deal? Anyway. Day off and did nothing completely worth while. Learned some and got some ideas, but not a jam-packed day.

The plan was to deposit my check, today. Decided to wait. Though, I did get my debit card in the mail along with a college brochure. Just two separate things in the mail on the same day. Tomorrow, I have work in the morning but it's grocery, so it's easier when associated with having to wake up early. I mean, morning + produce = 7:30 and tedious. The fact that I already know that.

So, I've decided on the basement, I think. I haven't told my mom I want the basement, but she said it didn't matter which room I chose. My only problem is that there'd just be an extra room upstairs and even if someone did move in with us, they'd have to share that bathroom with my mom. Haha. My plan is to kind of make a bedroom-studio thing, where one half- the closest to the closets and bathroom- would be the bedroom and the other half would be this studio idea I have. I hope I don't sound ridiculous, but at the expense of whoever, I can see exactly what I'd be doing. Like, when I have a day to myself, I can: wake up, shower [YES], teeth, and get right to work. And when ideas hit in the middle of the night.. well hey. Office, too, for a place to keep those big-ass notebooks that take up space all the time. Then just kind of pull all-nightons.

Basically, the same feeling of 'too-good-to-be-hey' but that's how I felt about being able to get the house back in the first place. Still, yeah, other people in mind. Actually, now that I mention it.. Ha, I was at Nick's house today. Fide had just taken a shower when I got there. Alex didn't say anything but she took a picture of me with her phone for the sake of posting it immediately. Nick mentioned something about "everyone thinking they're number one until about the age 23." One of those things I didn't want to take his word for, but I felt like if I was just ignoring something I happened to hear then I'd be fooling myself, yet if it holds true, then it probably means it doesn't matter if I so happened to hear it. Kind of welcoming another paradox, about now. Heh, feeling comfortable around paradox.

Oh and that's why I brought that up. That one tense conversation.. concept of "which one of us is going to buy houses for the others." Er, that's what I like to call it. That's how we all found each other, I believe. It all started when we died. Basically. Just how poor guy just "one day I'm gonna make it big and do something nice for all my friends." when you can tell he's.. in short... missing something. Something. Missing a certain concept that all people who have "made it" are aware of. Or missing the point of why you feel like you should do this in the first place. Or just missing the ability to feel the same way you did when you said that. Can't just "I'm not saying that's not me" or "Not saying I'm one of those." I just kind of like how it's a floating frustration. You state how you're going to make life better for your friends. And your friends just stare. Or, if one of them's in a specific bad mood, then you get a "you say that shir all the time." type of thing. I guess it has to happen when it happens. Now is the time where the hindsight proof of the future is being made. You know, to look back and "oh yeah TreadTreadTread was always the better one when it came to CradleCrabCredit."

I wouldn't look so hypocritical if everyone else wrote this type of crap, every day.

Is My Zone Tapped?

Grain. So I'm still here, actually. Stuck in this glitch, as if I accidentally walked into shore. And I actually just now went to experience that for myself. I don't know what I saw. And I love not being able to type at all.

Ok, recupe. I'm not able to move out, for some reason. Not able to do anything, and it's hideous. No one has good advice, though. Delusional because I can't remember anything.

So I guess it just makes it better that we're remaking last year. Last year was good, this year was bad. So, I mean. Waiting it out. But I like this time of year, so it's all escape fate. Unless it's role reversal. Whereas, the end of last year kept getting bad, and this year was actually bad, maybe it will get good. But then people's opinions of a good year. Loads of deaths, though.

Ok, well I don't think anyone can get it through their heads that I am in this bind. No one out there is able to see me here, and anyone here thinks this is paradise.

Just like what made me like this in the first place. When I lived in Griffin, the chapter of my life no one knows about. I refuse to relive it, and I am not going to be in a place where I can't wander around aimlessly after midnight. And I will not listen to reruns any more. Ok I am about to stab ijnfc ook ok ok stopo,