Rough. Tough.

Really getting in there. It's just.. taking its toll.
I don't think I did anything, today. I didn't try to, like I did yesterday, but I think it took me by surprise. I mean, yesterday, yeah I did try to do nothing but I ended up editing and posting the first of my series. It's officially kick-started. Hm. So, I got good responses. But today.. I don't know. It was good but-- actually-- today might just "not exist". The whole reason I started writing a lot this year. It's one of those things I like to compare to sophomore year. The one that it just kind of preparatory for other days, like tomorrow.

Then, allow me to be real here, my facebook account was disabled. Yeah, I mean. Hell, I don't know. Appropriate for me, though. The Social Network is in theaters tomorrow, er probably in a few minutes. Oh well. I knew that if that ever happened to me, my only regret would be all of those conversations that these employees consider to be expendable. Corruption. We're expendable. Yet, fake profiles.. eh oh well. At the same time, though, it's one of those... parallels.. One of the things that comes to mind is just, you know, how it's basically like dying. Like I said- parallels. Not realllly like dying. What I mean is that, kind of like when someone dies in real life.. you kind of think "aw, they never even got to see _____" (like a movie or some event that happens right afterward). It's not about missing it, it's about not being allowed. Agh. I'm trying to say that, as being kicked out of a large network of people, death is like... being kicked out of a large group of people. One might retort "yeah but there are more dead people than alive" and I think.. "yeah, exactly". Plus, I won't even find out why my account was disabled. I'm a victim, here. Still, it's just this website. It really has become a monster, though. Nothing bad, just a monster. I mean it very well could be evil, but just a monster. Do you know what I mean, at all?

Just saying. In the same way all of my favorite stupid little quotes may just be vanished from history- don't jump to any conclusions, reader- ok screw it. There's no way to explain it without having it sound like it's turning into one of those "man, insignificance" or "ah man, all my stuff" or "whoa, I'm really gone" or anything like that. It's not. In fact, I was just going to mention my major comparison to all of this and then just drop the topic. No. I am going to remember how I was going to word this.
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Right.. The whole. "One life to live" "y'only live once" blah blah. Because no matter how I say anything, folks reading in correctly will remark "why put so much thought into facebook?" and then of course "don't worry about how people read things". Worst part of all, I'm not even having one of those nights. One of those nights where I actually am thinking about the various possible reactions given from people. And me explaining that only gets me deeper, and me thinking about that only reminds me of how when Nick gets into one of these situations, explaining himself only makes it worse. Fine. I abort.

Hye, how's it going.? Really. I actually mistyped "hey". Today was fine. Wait, no.. am I in a mood? I could have sworn I was in a neutral mindset all day. This is horrifying. What on earth am I thinking, these days? Well, it's October now. I've got a thing to look forward to. I think.

Oh well.

Bonkers

Yeah, I finally went cuckoo. I know, I know. No proof. That's fine. It's probably just a bodily function, then. I'm just wondering how many jokes I'd make about myself once I was declared a loon. I continue to claim to not have anything to do with the whole "insanity" craze, but that's kind of a tough one to shake off. I can picture my eyes literally opening up to the fact that I actually do nothing more than confuse folks. I actually do "take the long way around things". So, I mean. I need to calm down. Not "who's to say what's normal?" or anything, but I need to stop stopping in the middle of everything I say. Do I need to stop?

I've just been going back to that phase of getting confused and terrified by regular people. Yeah the whole "people aren't real" thing, but yes regular people. I just get the feeling that people are just being hardcore versions of people. Laughing and enjoying things- no I am not "disgusted" like it sounds, but I really really really feel uncomfortable. I am really really really convinced that everything is set up. Now, I know my limits. I know that I am able to steadily believe that "people don't exist" and "most people are fake" and "some people are background characters" and "aw, I love people" and "hate 'em" and "hey" and "some people are bad some people are good some people are smart and some are dumb" all at the same time, and it all makes sense... but now I actually feel all these things at once...? Agh. No. I'm not trusting anything. Yeah, it's got to be a chemical thing.

This may be the first time that vacation will actually do me good. I think I now know how to be ok with not working on something. Heh. Contradiction: it's 5 am. I'm clearly not satisfied. It's clear that there's something going on in my system. It's also probably the cause. I already know what may just be the cure.

Earlier, I sat and tried to perfect my miniature "bio". Heh. "About Me." Not here, though. The public one. That's another thing that's been kind of making me uneasy. The fact that I was even re-writing it was just not legitimate. I was actually trying to write about myself. To compete. I basically wrote it, about 5 times. I beginning to obsess. I thought about how I inherited a need to get everyone I ever met, together. I wanted to keep in a part about how I accidentally help people. I listed words that I have been described as. I tried to insist that I need the opposite of an ego boost. Then, I realized... Since when do I describe myself? I am revealing the "secret". I'm thinking two things at the same time. Of course, I'm not trying to have a bunch of questions asked about me... well actually yeah I'd prefer that to just being plain wondered about. Fine, never mind those. What I ended up saying was something about how anything that I begin to say that might be "personal" I just turn into nonsense. Then that just makes me "interesting". It's ridiculous. All by accident. All entanglement.

Actually had a conversation, in a dire moment. Heh, I sat to a meal in a fast-food restaurant by myself. I lost it because this was my actual visual manifestation of somebody who has given up completely. I cringe at the sight of a lonely middle-aged woman eating a sandwich. That is my personal ultimate horror. Later I found out that the man who was sitting behind me was actually basically insane. You know... yelling at folks. Still, when I left I just happened to see, heh, Zane. That's as far as I'll go. His full name just drove me even more mad because of a certain character in a book. We talked, more than I expected. Just like all of my other friends, he has had time to think. Ugh. No way these words were coming out of his mouth. I've had this conversation with each of my close friends. It's always new.

I mean. I am actually getting "blind-sighted" by stupid little things. If you're on my side, don't get offended by what he said- "you seem like a college guy who likes to hang out and party, but when you go home you probably write poetry and cut yourself." I literally had to jump up and scream when he said that because it's kind of true. For someone who has just met me at this point in time, yeah. I couldn't figure out the "cut" part, but it actually put the rest of the statement in some "real life" package. This is how I must seem. That's not so good. That's the story of my life. New Year's Day, I'm optimistic and I try to reason with situations and I have faith in people. The moment after my birthday, I distrust people and I don't believe in situations.

So this year, I was just knowingly a ridiculous trying-to-impress "interesting" man. One of the things that you become out of shear avoidance. Now, I am just a wacko. Great. All of that. Then just this.

Oh yeah, I forgot. Situations where I am sure that no one ever has a problem with. They seem freshly complicated. Grant's family still has my camera, and he's in Brazil. I was supposed to get it from him before he left, but then he said his dad would drop it off with me. Fine. Apparently they still need it. I'll let them borrow it for a bit longer. I have no idea why, but I can't fathom any response to any...anything. I don't get it. I literally don't understand what any of that means. Plus, there's a public information problem that I literally do not.. ugh. This is new, I've never been able to not understand...not remember... It actually "hurts"... like something inside me is being given an "indian burn" er whatever. You know. Wringing. I feel dried up.

I'll just rest. No, wait.

Souls

Just any given demon woman putting you to sleep for about 13 hours.

That one dream I wrote about actually ended up happening. Well, it would have if I would have had a dvd player downstairs.. Until yesterday, I was stuck in June 21st: the day after my birthday.

For my birthday, I fell asleep at maybe 5 am, again. I was trying out a new medication, honestly. I did it wrong, so it was whatever. Woke up with a headache, but it was a decent headache. I walked out to see all that had been prepared for my celebration. Stuff set up, out back. I remember being on the lawn swing chair thing for a while. Then Grant came over and family came over.

Of course, I told them lies about work and college. I can't handle things. No one even knows that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Exactly. Contradiction. Crap, that reminds me.

There was a mid point. Then, it picked up as the family left and my guests arrived. Nerve-wracking. Er, thought so. You know what, though? It ended up beautifully. Literally, a beautiful day. The day people only give you when you're on your death bed. Oh well.

Justin even told me that the conversation we had when it was all over was just the happiest he's ever heard me. Heh. Still, I feel much like a failure in that area. It's ok. I just wanted to achieve some type of exit strategy for people like me. The failure of such a thing can literally only attribute to a life in the grind. Life in the grind. It's sacred.

Then, I lost track for a couple of days. Yeah, I celebrated Nick's birthday, but that was kind of what I had been doing the week before. When I tried to go back into the world that I was trying to kind of take hold of before, I literally set myself up for disappointment. So, last night I felt the exact opposite of how I did when my birthday was over.

I mean at least then, there was a chance of folks doing anything. Last night, it was just everything with every reason to be horrifying. Everyone is just so inaccessible. Anyone who can help just can not help. I literally have to hide from family, for a couple of reasons. I mean, I know who to trust with any situation, but they're scary monsters at this moment. Really, what I'm saying is that I had this devastating realization about females, again.

I really feel that they're monsters. I really feel that they're the ones who only want one thing. I heard my mom and her friend come in, and I heard them talk all night. They didn't know I was home, in my room, asleep that early. It was the most demonic thing I had ever heard. Complaining and coming up with people to blame problems on. There is no need a person will ever have to cause someone to talk about a thermostat the way my mom did last night. Our poor dog was right in the line of fire. His crying for her attention just says it all. Women are these things that are on some crazed mission. They're scouting out the world, for what they want. No one can enter this planet without something that a woman has done. I mean it. They birth men and more women, take care of animals, all so that we can beg for more. How can a thing be so evil by doing so many good things? It is corruption.

That was the thing. Notice I said I was asleep, well- in bed, early? All of this is the kind of thing that makes you lose faith in the entire universe-- or at least an entire universe of things. The only thing you can do is try to fall asleep. That's probably the only way to escape. Of course, since it comes to mind, death won't be a way to escape this type of universe. Death is actually a part of it. All that can be done is several, temporary escapes.

Well, who could this all be directed from? The source of this type of realization? Don't worry about it. Even me writing anything is actually just a dormant sacrificial animal that I give up in order to flag down some woman's appreciation. That's something I studied from them, firsthand. Any mention of long-term "sustaining from doing a certain thing" is actually just a dormant begging of doing so.

So, you can see I know that there's nothing I can do, so far. I'm not completely irate with anyone, and the only thing I can expand upon is myself and what I'm thinking. I just got the "tower" card. What Tupac said, too. I just have to keep an eye out for myself. These people might just be aiming to hurt, but hey why not?

Ok, eject please.

Crazy

Last night didn't help it. One of those walks. Then comments. I was flushed into some weird bind I couldn't have possibly gotten out of. One of those things that cause a loss of sleep. I slept fine, but it didn't stop. A chance to confront the pinnacle of my current anxiety. No, I mean I actually feel weird. Like, actually having gone off the deep end. Thinking of a way to respond, thinking of every possible response. First thing this morning was about that show on the History Channel about the seven deadly sins. Envy. Explaining how a lot of stuff is just based in envy, you know? Wise enough to cut through the bs and the guilt that being engrossed would cause, I realize that Freud showed up again. Then, my mom walks in with Battleship, the board game er whatever. Two things involved in what I've been thinking lately.

We were supposed to do Twill today. I had finally tried to explain that I really have no time for Twill. It's just so stupid. It bores me, I get nothing out of it. That's not usually me, but I'm just too exhausted about it to explain. It's an exhausted idea. It's bland, and anything involving a dirt road dries me to no end. It's illegitimate and unrewarding. Like work. It is work, and anything I offer my imagination cannot be work. "It's not genuine." I am not starting a "band" and I do not want to. Not under these circumstances.

Then, Nick. His name is Nick. What the hell? I have a friend named Nick? Since when? Doesn't sound right. Still, he was to be coming into town. He was just in Florida. The relevance is just that he was also talking to me at the same time as Grant.

Both sides of my birthday. If you shave both their heads, you'd get a yin yang on the floor. Not black and white, unless you convert to grayscale. They're both speaking as if to make plans for later on. I also wanted to try for buying a camera. Options for the day. Nothing happens. Meanwhile, I'm still thinking about the fact that there are 3 other people who I do not ever see, all thinking about the same thing. Same as that author. One person having these thoughts for legitimate reasons, wondering how someone who couldn't possibly have legitimate reasoning look so genuine, the friend who is going through similar circumstances and ambiguous as to whether or not this is actually a mutual mindset. Which scares me away from the website. Anything I say may just come off as "trying to impress."

Then the word 'crazy'

Then, explaining myself. Not explaining why you're using these words. Not making any sense. Therefore, no help. It's a Friday night. Work tomorrow. How I can only think of all of the things I just said, while I am slicing a box open, and cramming packaged foods onto a shelf. Coming home, and looking at things related to what I must have been thinking about. My graduation test scores. My diploma. All of my old drawings that could not have been done by me. Thinking about how this is legitimacy. Thinking about how if I had to explain turning this into a career, all that would come up is the folks who did it for and because of admiration. Because of and for envy.

Envy vs. Inspiration. Admiration vs. Legitimacy.

When you were in a place you didn't want to be because of that mindset. When all of your friends are out doing things, whether or not you want to do them. When they can buy things you don't even want. Betraying your own beliefs- true beliefs. Regretting the betrayal of yourself. Not believing in a type of person. Follow. Realizing that you didn't believe in a type of person after experimenting with a mindset that you found because of your original mindset. See, now it's not making sense to me even.

I mean, the Windy Hill house. I ended up there because I had all these conflicting ideas about the whole college and job thing. Whatever. Ah yes. The location of this place, not only bringing the home and capability envy, but introduced me to the source of the question of the legitimacy. So both sides. Oooh, I cannot even begin to get on a steady track to explaining this. I need to get it to one final point before I can leave it alone.

I keep wondering whether or not to get a camera. Now because of the whole envy thing, I can't tell if my reasoning for getting one will be legitimate. Well hell, I got a phone out envy. And a house. Or did those things that I seemed envious of push me into getting them, therefore bettering myself? Am I being subliminally fed then need of a camera? What will I do with a camera? Use it to explain to others my ideas- aka impressing folks? Do I actually plan on making things that I want to make because I want to make them, or do I plan on making bait to attract all the crap that comes with blah. Is it so I get to have a say-so in what is filmed and what is not? Envy, again? Do I think these girls think this way because of what I happen to be reading about? What if House-Buying is just womb-envy? Am I that automaton that I wrote that essay about last year? The automaton that, instead of anyone else, I gave a connection to Eliza Doolittle?

Tupac said he recorded three songs a day- in the context of being "paranoid" about death.

Johnny Depp sees Ed Wood as a director who wasn't necessarily bad but a director who obviously wanted to get his vision out there.

Well, there it is. The challenge. If I do get a camera, I owe it to myself to make sure to do something with it every day. I mean, if it is legitimate, then shouldn't have a problem. Envy may come and go, but anything that shows up that often can't necessarily be a sin. Hm, possible burden of only making new ideas instead of working with the old. If I'm working with myself, then what about the un-used collaboration ideas. What if collaboration days are numbered? Actually limited by high school? The stupid "quote" that goes with that obviously isn't showing up in my brain. Something about not looking back. Still- If I really mean it, then I will really stick to it. As long as I don't think I'm "committing" to anything. Whatever makes sense. Sense and nonsense never betrayed anyone.

I don't know why they're speaking this language. Maybe it's a long term effect of what happens after the attached becomes detached. Chameleon. Galatea. I must admire what I created. Even if it wasn't me.

Lawlz, peac.
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“Once you have established the goals you want and the price you’re willing to pay, you can ignore the minor hurts, the opponent’s pressure and the temporary failures.” Vince Lombardi

"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." (Lao Tzu)

via the actor Edoardo Ballerini- the first one was someone else's comment, though.

Seriously No Trend

Just need to remind myself to check that other 'professional' email account.

It's crazy to watch honey dripping into a bigger container of honey. I got a check. I don't know where it's from, though. Plus, I'm lying. Oh yeah, off tomorrow. I deem that my final chance to see that movie I've been trying to nab the opportunity to see. Agh, one of these 'update' types of posts. Well, I have much more to offer each day, but the problem is that, while I'm in someone else's house- the internet is stopped at 12 or earlier. Bullpie. But if self-indulgence and crazy notions about the future is (or are) the reason(s) I need to keep track of what the hell has the ability to go on...then, fine. I wonder if I'll have the.. oh my god I can't remember the 'I' word. Ok, "initiative." The initiative to ugh... 'draw' then I'll at least know I can think (heh can't remember that figure of speech) at the... _______. Or something.

That's what usually happens. Clearly, I'm allowed to give myself a break, but I can't tell. I don't have "anything on my mind." Seems like it's just goals. One of those "anything you set yer mind to. Hey." binds. I'm basically (ha a reason to use the word again) involved in this glitch where I'm able to describe a day that I wasn't supposed to remember.

Oh yeah, I need to sit and think of every single memory I can remember. I bet I can. The first one is always that time I fell off the go-cart at my dad's friend Martin's house. I can't remember if that where I got those scrapes on my face or if it was that time I feel on some brick stairs at the projects. Heh the go-cart was probably more bodily. Oh yeah and the time I laid on my back right in an ant pile, pretending to be a dog trying to get its belly rubbed. Uncle Jerry's friend, or whoever, rubbed calamine lotion on my back. Ugh. Still, if I can remember I poured honey and got a check today, then I should be good. Ah, and Tash driving me back here with Chaz. They got their apartment or whatever. That cake I ate today because it expired today. How I vividly remember one week ago, them being put in display. While my mom was being forced to listen to a joke that someone was forced to try to say. Pretending not to know specifics.

Ha, the juxtaposition of all the stupid places you end up in the course of your life. Hiking with people who would later become enemies, while imagining that you're a monkey or something. The first time I ever got a hold of the word "bee-otch" er "beyotch" or whatever. My aunt's Marilyn Manson phase and how incredibly unlikely that'd seem, kind of. Using my camcorder to record a music video about a "bandanna and a vendetta," not fully knowing what a "vendetta" is. And I'll always remember when I broke my favorite root beer mug. That entire apartment. Oh man, those kittens. Star. A dog named "Tank?" Gah, this all has existed.

Memories. Which reminds me. Photographic memory.

Is My Zone Tapped?

Grain. So I'm still here, actually. Stuck in this glitch, as if I accidentally walked into shore. And I actually just now went to experience that for myself. I don't know what I saw. And I love not being able to type at all.

Ok, recupe. I'm not able to move out, for some reason. Not able to do anything, and it's hideous. No one has good advice, though. Delusional because I can't remember anything.

So I guess it just makes it better that we're remaking last year. Last year was good, this year was bad. So, I mean. Waiting it out. But I like this time of year, so it's all escape fate. Unless it's role reversal. Whereas, the end of last year kept getting bad, and this year was actually bad, maybe it will get good. But then people's opinions of a good year. Loads of deaths, though.

Ok, well I don't think anyone can get it through their heads that I am in this bind. No one out there is able to see me here, and anyone here thinks this is paradise.

Just like what made me like this in the first place. When I lived in Griffin, the chapter of my life no one knows about. I refuse to relive it, and I am not going to be in a place where I can't wander around aimlessly after midnight. And I will not listen to reruns any more. Ok I am about to stab ijnfc ook ok ok stopo,