At Least

Ah, erm. I wanted to say something about not being allowed to brag about my own personality traits, or something. Hold up, my leg is bouncing up and down while my arm iss resting on itt. I'm typing. Yeah I mean, half of me is thinking that the pressure should be on. Most of me agrees that things are going ok. Things are going according to plan, I suppose. Then comes the unplanned. Heh, my dad is in the hospital right now, after a car accident. Of course, I am unable to head to Atlanta to visit him. I'm just not sure about how I am reacting. I am sure that anything I can say right now, about this situation, would be considered exploitation. To myself, at least. Ok, let me just say that this is an example of me thinking rather than feeling. If we can put aside the severity of the problem, I just want to reflect on this aspect... Well, I don't know.. People that are motivated by feelings, are they the ones who announce to the world this type of stuff? This is going to be a hard thought-process to untangle, though.

No feelings happen when I get news like this, which cannot be a bad thing, but if they did... what would they be? Worry vs. Concern... What am I doing right now? What should I be doing right now? I am at ease, for the most part. I just don't know if I should be. My left leg is shaking, and that is all. The same leg was shaking around this time, last year. I was just writing a story and I noticed the things that must be on my mind right now. Once again, the news has found its way into my thoughts. Yesterday was the first I had even heard of those miners in Chile. That aggravated me, at first. Some news story that I didn't even know about, having an almost ineffective outcome. Comedians had to break that piece of news to me. Why am I hearing this story, and why will it be in my subconscious for a while? I guess the story was irrelevant to me, until now. I won't explain why.

Let's try it this way. I woke up at eleven, and was alert by 11:30. Today, I had plans for me to: message two people about my phone number, finish my financial aid thing, and call Hank and my dad. The only thing I did not do was call Hank. I held off on breakfast because I really was not in the mood to give that soy milk another chance. Right. I called my dad, and he didn't answer the first time. I was still in bed. A minute later, he called me back. He seemed to just be waking up, too. Apparently, this was his day off from his new job. He told me that it was a good thing that they gave him a day off because he was feeling a little bit sick. It's flu season, I suppose. It was a short phone call, but he said he would get in touch Saturday. So, my day started. I showered and turned on my computer monitor to see that I had set aside some videos for me to edit today. I guess I edited two, and looked through the rest. Meanwhile, it was my mom who was finishing up my financial aid for me. I didn't expect that at all. Somewhere along the way, I guess the video editing did cut into the afternoon. Not sure if I remember where the time went today.

It was evening, and in a rare occasion, I sat on the couch and watched tv. Actually, I had been encouraging myself to watch tv more often in order to keep myself aware of the ways that shows are written and stuff. I was watching Seinfeld, when I got a call from my dad's phone number. When I answered, I heard my dad's friend. She told me that he was in the hospital after a car accident. In hindsight, this reaction is familiar. I'll try not to keep that in mind. But see, all I can think about is exploitation. How do people react to others when they are in pain? I'm sorry, but if I say what is actually going on in my head, then..

Every thought is going through my head. The hilarity, the horror, the satire, the honesty, the memories, the news, the stories, the offense, the defense, the ugly, and whatever the opposites to all those things are. And more. I was already thinking these things, though. It's a paradox because none of this is caused by hearing that my dad is in intensive care, and it is at the same time. Was I already going to talk about something? Was I already planning to talk about my weekend? Will I forget the weekend completely? Hah, it's officially Friday. When did my weekend end? What am I allowed to be thinking about? Should I be concentrating on getting to hospital to visit my dad? Should I be thinking about things to cover that whole thing up?
Current Mood: Waiting.
Let's be honest, I'll do the family thing and "keep him in my prayers," at the very least. I guess all that is really on anyone's mind at the minute, though, is get-rich-quick. Nothing unexpected, just really amplified to me.. you know, besides this entry's main concern and due to loss of interest in certain other folks. I was really wanting to write about how I have over 14 things that I am working on. I already did that, kinda. It was just going to be about me being slick about the fact that I am able to handle various things with no problem. Then I was going to have the realization that I am not even actively working on those things. That's out of the question, I guess. Now, all I can think is "well, my dad's in the hospital" when I'm trying to maintain focus on this keyboard. That quote is really a balancing act. I'm imagining that I really should not imagine anything too far to the right of that statement. If anything, I'll lean more to the left. On the left, are the good thoughts. Alright, fine. I can't even remember what mental disorder that is. Doesn't matter though.

Yeah, too many things at once. Too many thoughts at once, rather. I know I am not in denial, (don't speak in absolutes) and I know that at the very back of my mind I really just want to mention an episode of King of the Hill that I just watched. Nothing really, just the fact that Bobby was in "the hole" at the military camp, er academy thing that he was sent to. Chile, again. The story I was just writing, again. "Keep him in your prayers," again. The right side.

At the end, I guess there's no use in worrying about others exploiting emotions when they feel more than they think. It all comes back to personality types. Thinkers and feelers. It also comes back to that Stephen King interview I just read. He mentioned something hypothetical about getting into a car accident and thinking "this is just like the movies" rather than being worried about his safety. I'll admit, my heart just skipped when my eyes moved from the name Stephen King up to where I had written King of the Hill, but ah well. Connecting things. I'll ignore it if I have to. As of now, I still haven't read anything by the man. Just about him. It's almost like when I started listening to Frank Zappa. I just read his quotes. Then came the 3 discs of music. Eh, whatever. Wish I could stick to one topic, though. Also, my aunt thinks that my dad might have blacked out before the accident because my dad's friend said he hadn't eaten before then. Could also be the flu. Or any other sickness that would be going around. At the end of it all, it's probably just more exploitation.

I can't even tell where I am thinking.

Watched

Ha ha ha
Really too much.
I woke up today. That was enough. I mean it.
I got right up and possibly ate breakfast. It must have gotten stuck in my teeth because I watched myself trying to dig it out with my tongue. Frosted flakes.
I watched my day, today. I was third-person, today. Now, I feel like I didn't even have a day.
A weird day, man. A weird day.
It was the first cold day, though. My lips are getting dry, I noticed, when I watched myself.
When it was happening, though, I did keep on seeing that my hands might have been dry, too.
So weird of a day. Really.
I started, right off the bat, my "video series". Today was devoted to starting my "video series". The first objective was, simply, to start it. I am so distressed, now. Everything went perfect.
I explained what I had in mind for the rest of it, so this counted. Then, I was invited to philosophy club, again. More excuses to film the day. I think what has me stumped, now, is that today is kind of a.. paradox? Now, I think I'm beginning to wither in some type of understanding. This is only based on the fact that I am typing this right now, but I think I watched more than just progress being made in the footage. Something is haunting me about today. It has to be the change in weather. Can I fight it, this time?

Immediately after I completed one of this year's goals, which actually paves the way to completing more goals, I feel that I need to take this time to stay inside and get cozy maybe. Instincts? I have to make things work around each other, I guess. If this 'goal' works, then maybe everything else will fall into place. That old 12th grade Frankenstein logic. Iconoclast in the class. Gah.. reminds me.

Different topic, but I was actually called a perfectionist in that class. After helping write a story about a murderous housewife.. a poem about a murderous housewife. I literally thought it was cliche. I guess that's why it was only a slight comment about my proposed perfection. Sorry, this must be an inside joke or something. A moment only I can enjoy. Kind of like how I really just can not wait to tell my story about that Muddy Waters, Jr. show.

Ok, I'll do it. Once I get this story straight, I'll keep working on it. This stupid, stupid "series". I'll call it stupid, so it'll have some resentment in the mix. It already looks exactly like me. This is my solo thing.

Wait.

Duh.

That was the whole reason I came here. To tell about my day. Er, to tell about my mood. I feel like I'm.. you know. "In, over my head." or whatever. I actually took it upon myself to start- and finish- an entirely separate project, aside from.. Cool Winners, Terror Keyboard, Brain Camp, Daytime Buddies, Let's Dants, Body Snatcher, street art, the secret music video, the promos, and.. real life. What..what am I thinking? Will something as taxing as a documentary about myself be what I need to get all of these projects rolling? To complete this year's goals? To help the people around me? To finally build relationships with people I actually want to know? How was I doing this before? Oh no, I must have been neglecting a bunch from.. posting things on the internet. Ha, not to mention I'm considered to not have anything going on, right now. Though, somehow, something going on would actually ironically make things less hectic. I don't know. I don't have a lot to work with. Material-wise. Even though that's the point I'm trying to make. Gah.

Well at the very least, no one will watch it. The best that can happen is that I actually complete my list. Yeah, see. I'm actually not doing this to impress folks with my projects, not to gain attention, and not to.. I forgot the other thing. Still, my reason is to simply.. do something. Not 'do something' out of boredom, but to do a thing that causes me to do other things. Alright. It's a responsibility. All I have to do is pick out what parts of the day I like, and compile it. That's all. Then maybe I'll get to those other things.

Agh, though, what if it actually does end up looking like some blog? Heh, well it doesn't matter. See, like I said. I'm not doing this for show. I'm not expecting anyone to watch. I'm trying to keep up with myself. All I need to know.. is that this can be considered a good thing to do. Or a right thing. I don't know. I'll give myself rest if I need it. This is stupid, though, talking about it. 2 am, somehow. Back to the other topic. Feels like I didn't even enjoy the day. Hah, I know I did, actually. Ok fine. Mood shifts, in the fall.

Let's watch.

Village

Woke up at Patricks, waited, and then he woke up and we started to watch Funny Games. We didn't finish it but I had seen it before. Absolutely brilliant. I was planning for that haircut. Eh. He did drive me up to the high school though.

Stood there, finally realizing what it was to be some random graduate actually hanging around. I fake a bunch of phone calls, yelling "this is a fake phone call" into my phone. Finally, Grant was there. I wasn't expecting to see him, but hey. He drove me to the park where he said he wanted to film the Twill music video. We took a quick look, making a lot of jokes about Owen Wilson being in a wacky kid's movie.

Then we went to Grant's, almost edited the video, but just made the Twillogy myspace page. Uploaded the 2, uploaded 2 to coolwinners, and just now I just.. it. So, seems like a type 2 productive day.,

Minus the haircut.

Actual

Ok, of course. Woke up at Grant's. Woke up a bunch of times, but waited until 8:45 like we said we would. In the middle of the night, Fide kept complaining about how cold he was. I woke up and saw him, there, sleeping with the green screen wrapped around him. The sight of that. I kept waking up before the alarm, though, and had like 2 or more dreams of when we actually eventually woke up. One of the dreams was one of those situations where I'm up before everyone (like in real life) and I start to wander around. I ended up finding some vending machines outside. One had plastic bags of already opened snacks, in the part where you get your food. I knew that because I figured, if I ever owned vending machines, I'd put unfinished snacks back where they came from. I wouldn't though.

My alarm finally went off, and I saw them kind of react. They just didn't get up. Wasted a good 2 hours. First thing I talked about was the concept of Nate Dogg that I find to be really funny. I would have imported the night's footage, by myself, but I wouldn't know how. Ugh. So, I just started making a new little song. Odd, though. Finished off two of the songs I mentioned from last night. I had to work at 12 so I ate the last of the breadsticks, and we left. I was dropped off at home and my mom took me to work.

An in-credib-ly slow work day. For the first two hours, at least. Then, whatever. I guess, that'd have to be it. Oh reminds me I should mention to mom that she didn't come in for that test she signed up for. Some free physical test, where a guy at a table sits there and talks to people or something. I think there's a machine, but I have no idea what the deal is. He's just set up in front of the bulk section. Doesn't talk to any of us. Of course, except when Tash took her test that she also signed up for. Gah, I was in the same section he was in front of, and I couldn't explain a thing. Except how the first guy signed up looked like Redd Foxx, just darker. I also remember how the tester guy got a phone call in the middle of this guy's test and I found it really funny to think about how the guy is supposed to react. I wanted to get an obnoxiously long shot of the guys face as he's waiting for the test-guy's phone to stop ringing.

I had no idea what I was doing for that first part, though. Nothing to be done. I looked lost because it was so slow. I should have been anxious, but it was just frenzy in my mind. Not any worries. Just "you seriously can't expect me to pretend to be busy." Some new mode. When I was picked up, I ate this new sandwich that i don't remember. No way to enjoy tasting food. Not in the 'organic whole cloves' reference way, but in the way of 'the fact that people think taking something slow will make it more enjoyable.' Which is actually the same reference. "Dude, I read this part in that book you were reading." I mean to say-- Actually I found my answer now. The slow part means to study the senses of the action, in order to kind of think back on it again. So, if I had eaten any slower, I could eat it any other time I want. Drag and drop.

Good sandwich, kinda. Nit.

Back

On this day. Of course, it's the day i wake up at 6:30 to my alarm. In my old room. I sing along with my alarm. I still don't want to wake up. At the same time, my mom is walking into the house to wake me up. I hear her walk down the steps because that's where she thinks I'm sleeping. I keep pretending to look at my phone, so that when she opens the door, she knows I'm already awake. Outside the door, she tells me there's breakfast. I try to kind of get a little stretch more of sleep, until I figure it's useless. Then, I smack my eye to wake myself up, and there we go. No time for that shower I needed. Just time to get to work with that haircut.

I honestly don't know how my hair got to this stage again. The big puffed curly thing I always end up with. There wasn't the stage in between where it starts to get curly. Just already annoying hair that I was trying to grow just so i can get a good haircut. Day went by fast again because it was grocery. Mom brought the 4 jugs to fill with water, when she came to pick me up. Went home a shower, and read some old magazines with interviews of Outkast and Goodie Mob. Wanted to dose off. Instead, Fide and Grant came over. It was planned, but almost a chance to sleep.

They kept asking about fruit to eat, and they were looking around my room trying to tease me for being serious. Turns out, I'm fine. I did great. Only problem now, is that I hadn't been able to fit in any exercise in the past month. I noticed, but no one else did. Always the problem. You can never tell. Nick, to make himself feel better sometimes, tries to tell me I'm trying to make myself feel better when I talk about how I know I'm doing better in the fitness area. Heh, not related to the situation, though. Anyway, after a while of whatever, we leave. My mom says she's going to buy me something for dinner this night, for when I come back. Yeah, we left my house and headed to Grant's.

I kind of feel 'eh' because their latest mindset has just been the Twill project. I wasn't so excited about it soon after I came up with it, but I guess the right mood makes it better. Still, when I found out that we can work on anything ad that the Twill video wasn't going to be the main focus, I became enthused. I said, "In that case, let's just do a quick talkshow video." So we did. Somewhat of a Cool Winners show, but it couldn't be any type of Cool Winners Show because it doesn't play on what it means to be a cool-winner. An average talkshow type thing, with bloopers and all. Finally got over that "love doctor" idea I'd been wanting to do. Easy. I hope I look ok when the video is done. It's kind of not my character.

Grant's parents got us some pizzas, that we were excited about using in the video. After all the mess, we did end up getting back to Twill. Of course, it ws a different song. I guess the whole Twilogy thing is ok as side-project. I mean, for me, it's strictly a side-project. Still, we worked on a pretty good new track. Hah. Then, another. I also got to finish my cosmic girl song. Not what I was expecting, but ok for now. We also very quickly made a little bit of an old-fashioned 'rap diss, aimed at Grant's brother and his friend's little rap group they started. Nice. Oh yeah Fide recorded 2 songs by accident. Hm. At a certain point, they copped out and wanted to go to bed. Eh.

Whoa, i guess that was it.

That's Why It

Ok, I actually didn't expect to miss a couple days of hey. Today was another payday of course, so I was at work of course. $280 kind of. Don't know. An actual hard day at work, I think. Just aggravating that everyone particularly knows about how avocados are when they're ripe. Really don't want to talk about that part, though. I'm kind of in the middle of fixing up my room. Thinking about what to put the stereo on top of and where to actually put it, in order to keep that side of the room as open-ended as possible- if that means anything to me. Kind of reluctantly making a place for CD's in my closet. Record are the only thing of that category that makes sense in a closet.

Also entertaining the idea of the whole steampunk-style bs. Er, that one post-apocolyptic deal just because such a place is my room, where I plan on manifesting myelf. You know- to celebrate the thought of where I ended up after all of anything. Anything big or small that has happened. Continues to feel like it, though. Trying to believe tomorrow's work will go by quicker. Today was just one of those "I did a lot of extra good stuff, but everyone else is going to only notice the negatives." I don't try to speak out about things like how I actually haven't made any mistakes so far. Only saying it here because of the whole cathartic thing. Hah! Speaking of which, one year ago the same situation about the actual word "catharsis." Just like in 5th grade when I knew that the symbol is called a 'hyphen' and I just didn't finish answering because I get that feeling of "my god, this has suddenly become the wrong answer." Plus, all these scrapes and cuts and general wounds I keep getting on the job. Working during my break. I don't know the rules. Am I more likely to "postal" because I keep it all inside?

I left a note on the "shift communication" thing, last week. When I finished writing it, I looked at it for a while. I looked at it for a while because I'm constantly aware of the camera right above me. The same reason I had those two dreams. I was looking at the note that I had written, and it made me think about how well I had actually crafted what I said. It showed my style of writing, a pretty good word choice, a main idea and its details, and some pretty outstanding grammar. All the things that they look for in the high school graduation writing tests. It was a tiny note, but still. For what? I'm working in a produce section. Is this proof that everybody eventually gets a job? This doesn't necessarily show my mood lately, though. I kind of figured this 6 day work week would get to me. Today was proof, to me, that there is such thing as a prototypical "hard day at work."

I can write well enough. So, I sort veggies.

Also impressed with... Well if I say it, then there goes the criticism. I'm trying to treat myself in the past as being another person, now, for the fact that I want to seem impressed by that guy. That guy actually impresses me, a lot. Mostly when I find old drawings of ours in old sketchbooks. I didn't expect to find more than what I already had in Fondue Social. Yet, I found that huge sketchbook of mine and struck gold.

What if people decorated the room with theme of their self? Neglecting all previous styles- reasonable of course, since everyone is subconsciously inspired. Agh, I don't mean "styles" exactly, but I mean to avoid actually going for that style goal. Kind of like how I'm considering the actual style-goal type of thing with that factory/clockwork/apoco-coco/stamepank thing I mentioned, for example. To actually set out to "decorate" your room and instead of looking in some vain of decent cliche, just putting a bunch of things that you did all over the place in a stylized manner. To do away with the obvious- posters of yourself or things you've put on paper, portraits.. self-portraits, actual printed and bound journals you've written, and hahah a bunch of tapes and dvd's of yourself kind of sitting around in your movie collection. Then you get to the furniture and that's where everyone differs the most. Self-made furniture is valid in the sense that you actually just built it with you in mind- whatever that might mean. Not in the sense that the piece of furniture is "an expression of yourself" because that actually ruins the entire concept I'm explaining. It'd make more sense to decorate previusly made stuff with just yourself. Once again, not little expressions of yourself, but actual aspects of yourself that most likely annoy you or others. What I mean is that the end-product is your own little idea, not the things in it.

In the immediate idea, any post-apocolyptic style is probably ideal because at that point, you can incorporate anything ever. Your room, or anything you're putting together, can actually just be the end of civilization and backward. Just set a date, and avoid everything after it. I don't do style, though. Hah as if people would ever dress that whimisically. Actually laughing at Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland because of how no one would actually do all that in their daily dress. I guess that's where he's going with his "you'd have to be mad as a hatter" in order to dress that way all the time. That's actually a better idea than I thought. I didn't think I cared. He's definitely one of those subconscious NLP teachers of ideas. I really didn't think I cared.

So after that "hard" day at work, all I'm thinking is fashion and style. That's legitimately "new." I'll see what I can do. Sounds pretty teenaged. But I go through my phases of whether or not I find anything redeemable about customizable clothing and interior choices.

Ok, that's the that's the.

Glad About The Venom

Well yeah, my day can be assumed. Power's in our name. I could be sleeping there, right now but work in the morning. Hm, if that sentence was in different context- The Power is in our name. Back to the phobia of names, again. Opposite, though.

Any chance of projects being lined up, though? MC Mass Murder has announced that he will work on Cone Hat Bear, when he gets back. At this point, I'm not sure if I'm interested in joining that one, not to say I'm invited, but I want to see the magic of Chip Co/ Ain't Ya Business happen again. I want it to remind me of rainy days. That's just my take, though. Still- before he returns, we can wedge in a couple of projects. Actually, when using the packing analogy, the time seems to fit one set of finishing touches on any given previous project, and one decent new project. Need to fix my hair.

See other folks would be like "this junk is exclusive" but hey we have no reporters to yap that kind of bowel. Still, nothing too proud yet. If anyone is exclusive about this type of stuff, it'd be me. Yet, that's contradicting my nature. Hate secrets, but hah exclusive is ok? Glad I'm not a self-loather. Kind of odd to think that the house has had nothing to do with any of the stuff that happened in the bulk of 2008 and 2009. I had never been a live performer in the presence of that home. Wonder what could be done?

I talked to the neighbors. Oh and yeah the landlord is really funny actually. I hadn't had the chance to notice, the last time. Made a couple of jokes about the "dead men" in the basement. Hahahaha. Perceptions. I also found it funny that one of the workers wasn't "allowed to go back in the house" after he got his feet muddied. Closer to a good feeling. Ah yes feeling. It sure isn't a lot of thinking, but it sure is an incredible reward.

Haheh, The fifth dimension of ascension basically. Can't wait. Not that, but the unannounced. Ok we're cleared for moving, created the illusion that that's all I talk about. Done. I kind of just want to stay on the 'projects' topic. Gah poor girl, things are different in time. Oh man, how am I going to spend my time before I finally fall asleep? Forced to be a 'thinking' night. Ashamed of that conflict. It'll be over, soon.

I'm gonna have a laboratory, yeah but I also have to wake up soon enough.

It.