Rough. Tough.

Really getting in there. It's just.. taking its toll.
I don't think I did anything, today. I didn't try to, like I did yesterday, but I think it took me by surprise. I mean, yesterday, yeah I did try to do nothing but I ended up editing and posting the first of my series. It's officially kick-started. Hm. So, I got good responses. But today.. I don't know. It was good but-- actually-- today might just "not exist". The whole reason I started writing a lot this year. It's one of those things I like to compare to sophomore year. The one that it just kind of preparatory for other days, like tomorrow.

Then, allow me to be real here, my facebook account was disabled. Yeah, I mean. Hell, I don't know. Appropriate for me, though. The Social Network is in theaters tomorrow, er probably in a few minutes. Oh well. I knew that if that ever happened to me, my only regret would be all of those conversations that these employees consider to be expendable. Corruption. We're expendable. Yet, fake profiles.. eh oh well. At the same time, though, it's one of those... parallels.. One of the things that comes to mind is just, you know, how it's basically like dying. Like I said- parallels. Not realllly like dying. What I mean is that, kind of like when someone dies in real life.. you kind of think "aw, they never even got to see _____" (like a movie or some event that happens right afterward). It's not about missing it, it's about not being allowed. Agh. I'm trying to say that, as being kicked out of a large network of people, death is like... being kicked out of a large group of people. One might retort "yeah but there are more dead people than alive" and I think.. "yeah, exactly". Plus, I won't even find out why my account was disabled. I'm a victim, here. Still, it's just this website. It really has become a monster, though. Nothing bad, just a monster. I mean it very well could be evil, but just a monster. Do you know what I mean, at all?

Just saying. In the same way all of my favorite stupid little quotes may just be vanished from history- don't jump to any conclusions, reader- ok screw it. There's no way to explain it without having it sound like it's turning into one of those "man, insignificance" or "ah man, all my stuff" or "whoa, I'm really gone" or anything like that. It's not. In fact, I was just going to mention my major comparison to all of this and then just drop the topic. No. I am going to remember how I was going to word this.
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Right.. The whole. "One life to live" "y'only live once" blah blah. Because no matter how I say anything, folks reading in correctly will remark "why put so much thought into facebook?" and then of course "don't worry about how people read things". Worst part of all, I'm not even having one of those nights. One of those nights where I actually am thinking about the various possible reactions given from people. And me explaining that only gets me deeper, and me thinking about that only reminds me of how when Nick gets into one of these situations, explaining himself only makes it worse. Fine. I abort.

Hye, how's it going.? Really. I actually mistyped "hey". Today was fine. Wait, no.. am I in a mood? I could have sworn I was in a neutral mindset all day. This is horrifying. What on earth am I thinking, these days? Well, it's October now. I've got a thing to look forward to. I think.

Oh well.

Newt Rick

Anyhow, despite impossibility, yeah I woke up fine this morning. I mean impossibility of it having been this morning, not the fact that it was unbelievable that I'd wake up fine. I just get cryptic when it comes to the edge of bragging about technology.

Still one of those fly-by grocery days where I spend the entire time in my own head, finishing old arguments or debating on how the hell to get out. As soon as I got back home, I showered and just took a walk. The old walk I used to take. That old cliche of going to one's quiet place. Might as well.

While gone, I guess it's confirmed that we may start working on Dait-A-Base. In all honesty, I just hope I get to direct it. I had to watch Ed Wood, yesterday, just for the scenes where he's finally making Plan 9. Just to hear the lines like "are you people insane?" (probably not exact) and Orson Welles' part. It's like, I've come here for this reason. I've got to take hold of something, somehow.

I've been too quiet. There's proof. I've been running this through my head: "throughout each day, I only say 5 things. That's if you count 'heh.'" Which isn't necessarily true, but I have had to pipe down for the most part. Not that I say a lot. Which is what I am trying to explain. If I had just talked all through high school, and if I just talk now, would more people know about the things that I want to do? I mean, no one has actually asked me about that side of myself, at work. Agh. The words. Even though I was asked about music preference and my comedy act. Fragment. Physical proof that I don't speak out is that my voice is actually terrible. It doesn't get much exercise either. It's supposed to be "I wonder what Pito sounds like when he sings," not "don't let Pito sing, have you heard his little comedy songs?" Still, no matter what anyone else says- nobody has heard me sing. My lung capacity. The fact that people even associate me with comedy. People misunderstanding all of that for me actually wanting to sing. Voice is on my "Work on:" list. So is Time Management. Which brings me to the other part of today...

Went through some old things I've written and, of course, drawings I've done. The relevance of those things rely on what it is that I actually want to work on next. With the whole Time Management thing, I need to agh. Not even the surface. Furniture, my old files, my new files, catalog, to-do list, resolutions, sleep, work, this Twill bs. Not even to mention that I finally got somewhere with any whit-worth of a social life. Actually sounds like a saying. Alright, let's see if I can prioritize on my way into sleep. This is the 23rd though. Well, now it's actually 24 but all pretend. Not obligated, just making sure.

Consumed.

Leisure Cout

yawn oh yeah, no. Another failed attempt to try to see that movie in theaters. Can't see why it isn't meant for me to see the movie, though. I think it's a money thing. I have the money. I may have even set aside the money to see this movie. Is it not the right time? Why would this movie, of all movies, only be at one theater and have only 2 obscure showing times. Seriously. It's like one of those plot devices. It's just there to kind of, fill the list of movies currently playing. Oh my god. Now it's not even playing anymore. Well, here goes a note to self. [Make sure that one day you get a private screening of 'that movie' in a theater.]

I'm not into just seeing movies. It's just this one that I was specifically trying to go see. So. Oh well. Imagine spending all that money on making a movie, specifically for the purpose of not letting anyone watch it. What is this, a Dear Diary type of deal? Anyway. Day off and did nothing completely worth while. Learned some and got some ideas, but not a jam-packed day.

The plan was to deposit my check, today. Decided to wait. Though, I did get my debit card in the mail along with a college brochure. Just two separate things in the mail on the same day. Tomorrow, I have work in the morning but it's grocery, so it's easier when associated with having to wake up early. I mean, morning + produce = 7:30 and tedious. The fact that I already know that.

So, I've decided on the basement, I think. I haven't told my mom I want the basement, but she said it didn't matter which room I chose. My only problem is that there'd just be an extra room upstairs and even if someone did move in with us, they'd have to share that bathroom with my mom. Haha. My plan is to kind of make a bedroom-studio thing, where one half- the closest to the closets and bathroom- would be the bedroom and the other half would be this studio idea I have. I hope I don't sound ridiculous, but at the expense of whoever, I can see exactly what I'd be doing. Like, when I have a day to myself, I can: wake up, shower [YES], teeth, and get right to work. And when ideas hit in the middle of the night.. well hey. Office, too, for a place to keep those big-ass notebooks that take up space all the time. Then just kind of pull all-nightons.

Basically, the same feeling of 'too-good-to-be-hey' but that's how I felt about being able to get the house back in the first place. Still, yeah, other people in mind. Actually, now that I mention it.. Ha, I was at Nick's house today. Fide had just taken a shower when I got there. Alex didn't say anything but she took a picture of me with her phone for the sake of posting it immediately. Nick mentioned something about "everyone thinking they're number one until about the age 23." One of those things I didn't want to take his word for, but I felt like if I was just ignoring something I happened to hear then I'd be fooling myself, yet if it holds true, then it probably means it doesn't matter if I so happened to hear it. Kind of welcoming another paradox, about now. Heh, feeling comfortable around paradox.

Oh and that's why I brought that up. That one tense conversation.. concept of "which one of us is going to buy houses for the others." Er, that's what I like to call it. That's how we all found each other, I believe. It all started when we died. Basically. Just how poor guy just "one day I'm gonna make it big and do something nice for all my friends." when you can tell he's.. in short... missing something. Something. Missing a certain concept that all people who have "made it" are aware of. Or missing the point of why you feel like you should do this in the first place. Or just missing the ability to feel the same way you did when you said that. Can't just "I'm not saying that's not me" or "Not saying I'm one of those." I just kind of like how it's a floating frustration. You state how you're going to make life better for your friends. And your friends just stare. Or, if one of them's in a specific bad mood, then you get a "you say that shir all the time." type of thing. I guess it has to happen when it happens. Now is the time where the hindsight proof of the future is being made. You know, to look back and "oh yeah TreadTreadTread was always the better one when it came to CradleCrabCredit."

I wouldn't look so hypocritical if everyone else wrote this type of crap, every day.

Seriously No Trend

Just need to remind myself to check that other 'professional' email account.

It's crazy to watch honey dripping into a bigger container of honey. I got a check. I don't know where it's from, though. Plus, I'm lying. Oh yeah, off tomorrow. I deem that my final chance to see that movie I've been trying to nab the opportunity to see. Agh, one of these 'update' types of posts. Well, I have much more to offer each day, but the problem is that, while I'm in someone else's house- the internet is stopped at 12 or earlier. Bullpie. But if self-indulgence and crazy notions about the future is (or are) the reason(s) I need to keep track of what the hell has the ability to go on...then, fine. I wonder if I'll have the.. oh my god I can't remember the 'I' word. Ok, "initiative." The initiative to ugh... 'draw' then I'll at least know I can think (heh can't remember that figure of speech) at the... _______. Or something.

That's what usually happens. Clearly, I'm allowed to give myself a break, but I can't tell. I don't have "anything on my mind." Seems like it's just goals. One of those "anything you set yer mind to. Hey." binds. I'm basically (ha a reason to use the word again) involved in this glitch where I'm able to describe a day that I wasn't supposed to remember.

Oh yeah, I need to sit and think of every single memory I can remember. I bet I can. The first one is always that time I fell off the go-cart at my dad's friend Martin's house. I can't remember if that where I got those scrapes on my face or if it was that time I feel on some brick stairs at the projects. Heh the go-cart was probably more bodily. Oh yeah and the time I laid on my back right in an ant pile, pretending to be a dog trying to get its belly rubbed. Uncle Jerry's friend, or whoever, rubbed calamine lotion on my back. Ugh. Still, if I can remember I poured honey and got a check today, then I should be good. Ah, and Tash driving me back here with Chaz. They got their apartment or whatever. That cake I ate today because it expired today. How I vividly remember one week ago, them being put in display. While my mom was being forced to listen to a joke that someone was forced to try to say. Pretending not to know specifics.

Ha, the juxtaposition of all the stupid places you end up in the course of your life. Hiking with people who would later become enemies, while imagining that you're a monkey or something. The first time I ever got a hold of the word "bee-otch" er "beyotch" or whatever. My aunt's Marilyn Manson phase and how incredibly unlikely that'd seem, kind of. Using my camcorder to record a music video about a "bandanna and a vendetta," not fully knowing what a "vendetta" is. And I'll always remember when I broke my favorite root beer mug. That entire apartment. Oh man, those kittens. Star. A dog named "Tank?" Gah, this all has existed.

Memories. Which reminds me. Photographic memory.

End of the Woro.

Alright, so I think I'm letting one trait of mine take over the rest instead of balancing it out? I've just been talking in 'life LIFE LIFE LIFE' terms. Just the ability to say "life." Ah, but to grow disgust in the ability to say words is the calling card of a cynic, kind of. In this case, it is.

We're just kind of debating the ability to be incredibly aware of the infinite amount of things without just completely losing all humanity. I don't mind. I'll disagree again later on, I'm sure.

Anyway, I could say nothing happened today. Just an incredible amount of detail that echo against other days. Or the other way around. How today and yesterday involved Chili Peps and Bittersweet Symphony. Hm, this morning seems like a long time ago because of the whole "bad rap music videos that went viral" thing. I guess that double-date went fine. I request no detail.

I talked to Grant, and we finally discussed the whole tension about all those pictures that come up, basically. No progress, probably. Anyway, I did the first step in pitching the idea of having that next 'secret' Cool Winners show at Kennesaw Mountain, as a picnic deal. I wanted to do another Graivdiggo when I was in a good mood earlier. Then I combined that with that confidential idea, which I just remembered was confidential in the first place. Not really confidential, I'll hint to it.

Then, moments later, my mood changed for the day. Ha, horoscope. I found out that Tash had gotten me a job interview at Life Grocery, tomorrow. I applied last year, and I'm actually kind of "bummed" because I actually took the time time yesterday to apply at two different places I would like to work at specifically because of the fact that they sell DVD's and music. In parallel to the last couple of conversations I've had today, I guess it'd be hypocritical of me to excitingly answer those "strongly agree" questions in those applications last night and then to just feel differently about how I'd act in a work place just because I'd have to be around vegetables instead of movies and music. Barely hypocritical, they're different things! It would be valid of me to have an entirely different appearance just because the scenery has changed.

Then of course, what I mean. Started off with the "cynicism" motif, then moved on to 'quotes' and on to just plain words. All kind of a cycle. Just be ready to explain. And repeat.

Amazing sandwiches today, though.

Sneak

This was how that day started, except I don't remember. Ok, now I do.

First thing that happened was that Uncle Mickey was gone, and my mom and I were supposed to do that Taco Mac shop. So, I felt alright to eat in a restaurant. Oh yes, then when were parked back here, I just sat in the car and listened to music for about an hour. I couldn't find a stopping point soon enough though. My plan ended up being to follow up on my plan to watch those movies at Hank's house. I called him, and he was at Nick's and I was supposed to go to his house at like 9 pm because I thought I had a ride.

When I realized that I couldn't get a ride, it reminded me of the fact that I could take the bus. So, I took the bus around 6 o clock which meant I was going to be in town earlier than I said. The problem was that I don't have my phone or anyway to tell anyone that I was going to be there. I was wearing my new leather jacket and my new shoes that Mickey bought for me, which actually led me to feel uncomfortable. I mean, I was holding the big Publix shopping bag and wearing big jackets makes me feel awkward and eventually the shoes rubbed off the skin on the back of my heals.

I walked all the way to Nick's house, and waited on Nick so that we could go to Hank's. Upon getting in Nick's car, I notice he's on the phone with Hank basically explaining that I wouldn't be able to sleep over at Hank's. We go to Hank's to find out that yeah I'm allowed but I have to leave first thing, which is just ridiculous. Nick and I just went to the Travis house where there was Jordan and Isaiah. Really nothing went on so I ended up sleeping at Nick's.

I actually thought I was not allowed at all to sleep at Nick's because that's how he put it, so I hid in the closet and slept. I hid all next morning until I realized that there was no point for me to hide.

That's just the first part.

I'm Supposed To

Honestly 7 days later.

These two days basically. It was just kind of odd to go out for the weekend, starting Saturday night. Yeah, that's what the day was about. I regrettingly had to persuade my mom to drive me to Kroger to meet Jordan and Nick. I met Alex and Alex instead. I waited in there car until we all went to pick up Fide. He was acting apparent of the night that must have happened the night before. All I knew about that night was look-alike and unlimited pancakes.

Alex dropped Fide and I off with Nick, and in my seat was Thomas's phone. We went to Thomas's house. Jordan's idea to bring 3 pizzas and 2 bottles of "Dr. K" and I mean. I didn't eat, I guess. They were all like in and out doing their thing at the house, and Thomas looking up comedy videos and pictures. The pool and jacuzzi were still iced over. I'm only calling it a jacuzzi because that was Thomas's exact words. Nothing illiterate about "Thomas's," right? Anyway, watched Inglourious Men, that's for sure. Heart beating crazily though. Wanting them all to see the exciting conclusion. Eventually it turned out that everyone was leaving and we (Michael, Jordan, Fide, and I) were allowed to stay the night. While they settled down, I watched this documentary about zombies in popular fiction and stuff.

Next morning, we were supposed to leave pretty soon but I wanted to finish the movie Quarantine. Then we ended up at... eh, Kroger. We sat in the parking lot, nothing happening until Hank ended up in the picture. He was trying to contact me so I could help him and his dad move a couch from his grandparents' house. I left the other guys, and commenced with my mission I supposed. First time seeing Hank in 2010.

Eh, pretty big stomach ache, but I ended up staying over at his house to watch the Golden Globes. Gah. Oh yeah, watched Death Proof again. I guess.

Shame.

Soggy

Yeah, I mean today was under a ceiling.

Actually, yeah the news is showing itself to me. I'm seeing the news and I don't know what type of tangent it'll award me with. I'll do my best.

I'm also very interested in the NBC thing. I like how they're doing this, and how disappointment is being ironed out.

I did have some vivid dreams last night. Last night and today, I've been kind of having this inner excitement going on. I might have a problem trusting it, but I'm welcoming the ability. Moving is on my mind, and though this seems like a chemical thing, I'm working with it.

I just came up with the whole premise of that whole 'cosmic girl' story that I had been throwing around. I want to use this whole arrangement to try to be efficient in all the stuff I imagine is going on. I'm also going to go ahead and try to censor my book, Fondue Social in order to get it off the ground. Then, of course, I want to master the whole Gary & Arsen act. I mean, my heart is not 100% into it, the way I'm explaining it, I don't think. Feels like it, but I wouldn't know. I wish I could kind of spread that into writing my other three stories I've owed myself for a while.

What else is there? Gah, the news. I need a calender, too, in order to do the celebrate thing. Now, that I think about it. I probably wouldn't be able to get those three stories anywhere without a visual. They're visual stories. Literally. I'll figure that out.

Hah. Just heard "I'm not a guy who makes movies, I'm a guy who goes to movies." (Craig Ferguson) Which, I realized is the perfect quote for me to reverse. It's true. I'm not a guy who goes to movies, I'm (closer to) a guy who makes movies. All last year, me going to any movie was a complete disaster...no offense. Ok, I have to wrapple.

Tread.