Wave

Yeah, ok. Maybe I can do it here finally. I've been trying to write something decent about the past couple of days. You know. Computer has been virus'd for about a week or so. I actually don't remember. But it's almost necessary now to even admit to using a computer. Here it is.

Even still- to have written about the past few days. Isn't that something? That's what I've been doing this year. Well, I won't go into it as it is another "you can't enjoy the year when you're describing everything that happens" or something, but that's some of it. Either way, it's now November.. and even more surprising, it's a little after November 11th. There's no way to document what that means to me, but that is just fast.

Just as well, it's doing that whole daylight savings thing. Well, something has to have just come over me. I was telling myself that I am beginning to finally lose memory.. but then I realized that I actually haven't been doing anything enough to remember anything. I don't know. I can probably look back on this period of time as just "hospital visits and nothing happening". Yeah, I think it's safe to say "nothing is happening," whether or not it's true, at this point. Well, I guess, nothing was happening there for a moment.. Now I'm into the school application process. Er.

Well before it's too late, I've been wanting to say "you'll see," a lot. It doesn't work here. It's not the same as me automatically thinking the words "Follow Me" when I put a pen to a piece of paper or the back of a notebook. It's important. It's important for me to know, at least. I've been needing to make some point. I keep thinking of things to day and it just resolves in "you'll see". Who? Whatever. Whatever that stuff in the air is is doing a number of things to me. Besides the forgetting, it's making me feel unsure of myself, if that's the right way to say it. I keep thinking I need to make one good point, one good thing to say, and then I won't be so agitated. I guess I can't explain. Actually, it's like that paranoia feeling... oh boy.. which brings up the past couple of days which I have yet to bring up. One thing to be said before that, though. Forgetting, paranoia, trying to make some delusional point, and these "heavy" dreams. Eh, actually sounds like certain side effects. Mental crap. It's not the same. It's missing something. But isn't that how it always takes over? Making you think that something different is happening? Tell myself "it's probably only the weather", "it's probably only a hormone"?

I tried to explain this week many times. Maybe I'd have to wait until it's over? Well, I don't want to forget by that time. Isn't that what this week is about? The ability to forget? Well, according to what I just said, it's one among other things. I'm not sure if I'm willing to forget, yet. I worry. The first sign of this.. actually was on Sunday. So I'm clear? Something got me into a mode. I was thinking about this year's end fading into a whole other year. 2011? That one? I hope I'm not lying around in bed, some day in the middle of 2011. It'll happen. I hope I'm not just sitting on a phone chatting about what could-be-about-to-be as the sun goes down, next year. It's like, I have a very particular conversation with people, mapping out exactly what can happen and how to do it, and then a week happens. Fide's right. Somebody's out there setting the parameters. Changing the waves so we think in a different direction, every couple of seconds. Why do we keep switching it around? Do we all have a different idea of how things go or is somebody just doing some dastardly stuff to us? Right. I just imagined it. Going back to school, probably having the gall to move out of this house.. this safe house.. and it just turns into 'hanging out' or 'hanging around' for another ghastly amount of time. Paradox of "I just can't wait on other people". Really, though. What is the one thing? There is no one thing. That again. Those again. Do I really see myself doing what I want to be doing in 2011? Joke is on you. I'm the only one optimistic, here.

Right. That was Sunday. Inward. Then, Monday was the time I stepped foot outdoors. What a hellfire. I just went to the bank, and then onto reading a book. Then the book made me think for a bit. Then those thoughts reminded me of my dad. So I called him. I mindlessly ran into Hank. Espresso. He told me his story. His story. You never know. I've never considered biographies. I heard what I wanted to hear, I suppose. Hm, but the more I tell the events of the day, the more I realize that we all might be in the same mood. Under that same ol' wave that must've come over me. Well, not really based on him or anything. That just gave me a story to tell. Also, I might have imagined seeing a certain person that I know, but I didn't look back. Hard to explain, but there was a person sitting on a car whose face I didn't have time to look at. I don't know.

How I just keep coming back and wondering what I must have just written about. I actually don't remember the very last thing I said. Oh right. Yeah, Monday. Someone's offers to take you to a place, you go. Finished a book that night. Conan premiered. Still, a lot of talk about "I just saw the devil" that no one can really take back. It really just creeps into your brain. That again reminds me of the dreams I must be having this week. I think I caught one, but I don't remember. They've been kicking me old school.

Two days this week I've gone to the school to turn something in. Both times, I run into Nathan and Matthew. It just happens. To go any farther into talking about that'd just be stress. I ended up at "political club" today. I must've been a fool. I really just stay in comfort zones. I've done everything, though. Someone must be keeping me sheltered. Well, whatever. That's this week. Eh, I'm getting that negative "school" feeling, I guess. I'll see. I can't tell if this is like the tiptoe of the year, though. What does November look like?

I hope I snap out of it. Or back into something else. September was a good one. Except the 25th. You'd think I'd have nerves of steel by now, but I guess I lack experience. Hell. I don't know if I've been in some 'twilight of my own secret thoughts' though because I'm regenerating old mindsetsahhellwhatever. Not to mention, I didn't even mention "After All". That'll never happen.

Goodness. Ha.

Bonkers

Yeah, I finally went cuckoo. I know, I know. No proof. That's fine. It's probably just a bodily function, then. I'm just wondering how many jokes I'd make about myself once I was declared a loon. I continue to claim to not have anything to do with the whole "insanity" craze, but that's kind of a tough one to shake off. I can picture my eyes literally opening up to the fact that I actually do nothing more than confuse folks. I actually do "take the long way around things". So, I mean. I need to calm down. Not "who's to say what's normal?" or anything, but I need to stop stopping in the middle of everything I say. Do I need to stop?

I've just been going back to that phase of getting confused and terrified by regular people. Yeah the whole "people aren't real" thing, but yes regular people. I just get the feeling that people are just being hardcore versions of people. Laughing and enjoying things- no I am not "disgusted" like it sounds, but I really really really feel uncomfortable. I am really really really convinced that everything is set up. Now, I know my limits. I know that I am able to steadily believe that "people don't exist" and "most people are fake" and "some people are background characters" and "aw, I love people" and "hate 'em" and "hey" and "some people are bad some people are good some people are smart and some are dumb" all at the same time, and it all makes sense... but now I actually feel all these things at once...? Agh. No. I'm not trusting anything. Yeah, it's got to be a chemical thing.

This may be the first time that vacation will actually do me good. I think I now know how to be ok with not working on something. Heh. Contradiction: it's 5 am. I'm clearly not satisfied. It's clear that there's something going on in my system. It's also probably the cause. I already know what may just be the cure.

Earlier, I sat and tried to perfect my miniature "bio". Heh. "About Me." Not here, though. The public one. That's another thing that's been kind of making me uneasy. The fact that I was even re-writing it was just not legitimate. I was actually trying to write about myself. To compete. I basically wrote it, about 5 times. I beginning to obsess. I thought about how I inherited a need to get everyone I ever met, together. I wanted to keep in a part about how I accidentally help people. I listed words that I have been described as. I tried to insist that I need the opposite of an ego boost. Then, I realized... Since when do I describe myself? I am revealing the "secret". I'm thinking two things at the same time. Of course, I'm not trying to have a bunch of questions asked about me... well actually yeah I'd prefer that to just being plain wondered about. Fine, never mind those. What I ended up saying was something about how anything that I begin to say that might be "personal" I just turn into nonsense. Then that just makes me "interesting". It's ridiculous. All by accident. All entanglement.

Actually had a conversation, in a dire moment. Heh, I sat to a meal in a fast-food restaurant by myself. I lost it because this was my actual visual manifestation of somebody who has given up completely. I cringe at the sight of a lonely middle-aged woman eating a sandwich. That is my personal ultimate horror. Later I found out that the man who was sitting behind me was actually basically insane. You know... yelling at folks. Still, when I left I just happened to see, heh, Zane. That's as far as I'll go. His full name just drove me even more mad because of a certain character in a book. We talked, more than I expected. Just like all of my other friends, he has had time to think. Ugh. No way these words were coming out of his mouth. I've had this conversation with each of my close friends. It's always new.

I mean. I am actually getting "blind-sighted" by stupid little things. If you're on my side, don't get offended by what he said- "you seem like a college guy who likes to hang out and party, but when you go home you probably write poetry and cut yourself." I literally had to jump up and scream when he said that because it's kind of true. For someone who has just met me at this point in time, yeah. I couldn't figure out the "cut" part, but it actually put the rest of the statement in some "real life" package. This is how I must seem. That's not so good. That's the story of my life. New Year's Day, I'm optimistic and I try to reason with situations and I have faith in people. The moment after my birthday, I distrust people and I don't believe in situations.

So this year, I was just knowingly a ridiculous trying-to-impress "interesting" man. One of the things that you become out of shear avoidance. Now, I am just a wacko. Great. All of that. Then just this.

Oh yeah, I forgot. Situations where I am sure that no one ever has a problem with. They seem freshly complicated. Grant's family still has my camera, and he's in Brazil. I was supposed to get it from him before he left, but then he said his dad would drop it off with me. Fine. Apparently they still need it. I'll let them borrow it for a bit longer. I have no idea why, but I can't fathom any response to any...anything. I don't get it. I literally don't understand what any of that means. Plus, there's a public information problem that I literally do not.. ugh. This is new, I've never been able to not understand...not remember... It actually "hurts"... like something inside me is being given an "indian burn" er whatever. You know. Wringing. I feel dried up.

I'll just rest. No, wait.

An Entire Year

It has been a year since we had performed on stage. Our own show. An amazing accomplishment, really. How ridiculous. Cool Winners and MC MassMurder. What a difference between then and now.

Agh, what a disappointment. We haven't made the same efforts to try to do it, again. Fide won't even be here to watch, or film, the next one. He can't stand around and solicit the dvd with the old "excuse me, sir. would you like to buy a dvd of tonight's performance?" That was one part of one of the plans.

Today, once again, I've gotten to that point where I realize that we have done nothing. I mean, last night, I finally got to hang out with Matthew. He always ends up being a rare find. He always ends up being that breath of fresh air. After talking, I remember, of course. We're all just... all of us. You can tell.

Well, what is keeping us from just being that thing? What is it that we're trying to be? I actually convinced myself that there's twelve others because of that movie. I should shake that one off, though. And why is it impossible to get each of us in the same room? We must be sort of cowardly, then. We do all of these things, and if not, then we still.. agh. Ok, fine, the one other thing is that same force that forces us not to even promote ourselves correctly. It must be that same force that causes me not to impress.

Whatever. I just wish that I could actually manifest what the heck I see things as. It's all just some fable. Feels kind of blind, though.

He

Praise

To be honest, my sense of self.
I'm sort of believing that there were some points where I did change who I was. I just didn't necessarily agree with that plausibility. I don't want to say that I change who I am everyday, every hour, or more likely- by the year. Plus my sense of self may actually be "inflating." I'm actually not showing any signs of narcissism, so this must just be encouragement. Sounds like people want me to move forward. Good because once it's televised, someone else can point out whether or not I change by the season.

It also makes me blatantly dread "work." Nah, I can't tell anyone that I work. I can't tell anyone what I think about college. My standards is what keeps me away from college. Generally, it's just that I can't find a school that's good enough for me, at this point. That's what it sounds like. Under that, the reasoning is that I wasn't really singled out in high school just because I did sort of have too much of a high standard for.. not sure I remember what I told myself earlier. Still, it made sense that I was more of a "perfectionist" on the way out. Leaving was just some fire exit. Now I think I'd kind of... "make school my bitch" as it goes. There's the problem. One of them. I was too good to do what I had to do to set myself up for college, and now I'm too good to take baby steps. Well, I shouldn't punish myself with these words. I was "too good" because I shouldn't have been responsible for that whole 3-year long stint I had with geometry. I'm sorry, but Geometry in my life is absolutely absurd. Aneurysm worthy. It's a great form of math, I know- it's technically right up my alley, but it's literally someone sticking their leg out for me to fall right on my nose. Clearly fate. I know that I know Geometry. Well, in all honesty- all honesty, old female teachers will not teach me math.

What I mean is that I couldn't just make up for the time I missed while the rest of my class sat back and said "yeah, dude." Actually. Odd history between math and I. Still, I was too good to spend time out of school to make up for something that will not be my fault. As a result, I have not taken my SATs. I still have no idea what grades I left school with. Oh my god. Horror in realizing that the only time I've explained that was in my job interview. "Yeah, I was pretty good in school." Eh ok that's enough. I was just unaware of what grades really were until 11th grade. I'm just not sure what all this says about me. Not bad, really.

ok. It's true, I may be giving away all the mystery of what once was "the famous 'Pito'" but if someone is doing that much research, then the word "famous" can't really fade. I don't mean insults.. it can't really sound like that. Still, the mystery doesn't lie in the everyday reality.. Actually it might. Nevermind. Still- glad someone knows that I "need to get out of this place." The anonymous "place." I know it won't mean this house, specifically, but I appreciate the concern. I lack aggression, therefore I owe it to some folks to get out of here. I'm already halfway done. I suppose that's why health can't matter much, anymore. All that anyone is waiting for, is for one of those people who care to actually be themselves multiplied. An agreement is what will give me who's I am.

Sort of brings to mind another example of high standards. Also another reason I am cautious of college. I'll start out by explaining how I wouldn't want to get any book published by some publishing company. I'm referring to Justin's situation with Charlie D. I am almost afraid to see him get published in that horrifying way. Some company, "yeah some writer wrote some stuff, he'll make us some dollars." Record labels, talent scouts, college, skateboarding... teams? I get the illusion that I'm holding the string of a balloon, but the balloon is actually just a big sack of meat. A whale, caught in some net. Other people have to give us a boost. That's the rule. Kind of like my mom's fear of being under things (ie airplanes, bridges). That's why I've been giving myself so much more than I can chew. I'm trying to do it allllll by myself. Compensation makes sense, somewhere. I need someone to directly respond to this, and tell me to quit.

Hell, ok. Why not a conclusion to standards that involves some mmm hot topic of relationship? Well, that's actually just an entire other thing I was more willing to explain, about a week ago. Point is- these things that attribute to my "inflated sense of self" (which should no longer be referred to as such) cause me to think that I can only be involved with a certain female that has a lot of absurd features. I read about this, too. I may cause myself to believe... actually I see no reason not to. I'm in control. Anyway, what I was saying is that, blah, causes of someone's definition of "obsessive love." Actually, yeah. This is very irrelevant, now. It'll come off wrong, either way. You know when you have something that you knew you were supposed to explain eventually, and it just gets brought up at the wrong time? Yea. Somewhere, in here.

If only I were tired often. I would be ok with a bunch of me's running around. Not in that way, though. Just, sleep would be too important for me to not live in the wild.

Caution tape. Pile.

Tore

Thus ends what may have been the last of the House-Buyers. Not really. House-buying is new. It's years in the making. I don't like my own personal labels. Except my own. Now let me get to my real mood.

Upset or disappointed or suspicious. Whichever, there'll be some kind of stupid realization at the end so I can just go "see, it's all on purpose." Right? I might as well say it now, to expedite variation. I can remember loads of words, see? So suddenly, it's after midnight. They take it all away from you. All of them are taking all of it from all of us. The house owners have got any potential buyers by the balls. I'd hate to revert back to rebellion, but is it not the case? Sentenced to hell under our own personal masters? Water coming in, to taunt me. Bloody tears, in some other country. Those who wrote the bible, practicing their satire. Some divine literary competition, while I face shopping cart poetry. Tortures of the damned, yes. It's a rite of passage to get exactly what you ask.. around. A pre-requisite of those who were tortured, in order to kick back and just say "ohhh" in pure pleasure. Bit by bit, in order to keep away the actual previous final destinations. From prison to slavery.

The letter. "i can not deel with this any more and unfortinitly i am going to run away" or I assume. Some childhood experience. Somebody else's family. Still, children have the right idea. Pack up one or two of their favorite toys, a package of candy, and the clothes on their back. That'd get them farther than they'd think- which isn't saying a lot because their expectations dive in about an hour.

Still. It may just be heat confusion. Won't stop the tragedy, though. I don't want to introduce myself if I have to include the sounds of "twenty-" or "thirty-" and so on. Only a little over a year to do so. Ok, fine. Maybe I just won't be able to do anything with the actors and folks over 80. I'll just have to keep finding newer interesting people to hope to one day meet. What, in the hell on earth, is the true Hard Work? Where exactly is that one point where I finally, by myself, just let loose and start something and get it done? I thought it was "put me in a room, give me something to do, and close the door." Am I still supposed to be practicing? How long to practice before one accidental good thing happens? How long will I have the same mood?

Sleep can be a reward or a waste of time. It depends on who's giving it to you. I'll bet, eventually, that'll be the same case with a lot of things.

Did you know you're not allowed to change your tragic flaw? You're supposed to take the fall for anyone who was born with that tragic flaw. See? If you're the one who is showing the other people who have the same destiny as you, then you have to show them how not to have the same destiny as you. At least you'll be a hero. A tragic hero, again.

I've become.

Crazy

Last night didn't help it. One of those walks. Then comments. I was flushed into some weird bind I couldn't have possibly gotten out of. One of those things that cause a loss of sleep. I slept fine, but it didn't stop. A chance to confront the pinnacle of my current anxiety. No, I mean I actually feel weird. Like, actually having gone off the deep end. Thinking of a way to respond, thinking of every possible response. First thing this morning was about that show on the History Channel about the seven deadly sins. Envy. Explaining how a lot of stuff is just based in envy, you know? Wise enough to cut through the bs and the guilt that being engrossed would cause, I realize that Freud showed up again. Then, my mom walks in with Battleship, the board game er whatever. Two things involved in what I've been thinking lately.

We were supposed to do Twill today. I had finally tried to explain that I really have no time for Twill. It's just so stupid. It bores me, I get nothing out of it. That's not usually me, but I'm just too exhausted about it to explain. It's an exhausted idea. It's bland, and anything involving a dirt road dries me to no end. It's illegitimate and unrewarding. Like work. It is work, and anything I offer my imagination cannot be work. "It's not genuine." I am not starting a "band" and I do not want to. Not under these circumstances.

Then, Nick. His name is Nick. What the hell? I have a friend named Nick? Since when? Doesn't sound right. Still, he was to be coming into town. He was just in Florida. The relevance is just that he was also talking to me at the same time as Grant.

Both sides of my birthday. If you shave both their heads, you'd get a yin yang on the floor. Not black and white, unless you convert to grayscale. They're both speaking as if to make plans for later on. I also wanted to try for buying a camera. Options for the day. Nothing happens. Meanwhile, I'm still thinking about the fact that there are 3 other people who I do not ever see, all thinking about the same thing. Same as that author. One person having these thoughts for legitimate reasons, wondering how someone who couldn't possibly have legitimate reasoning look so genuine, the friend who is going through similar circumstances and ambiguous as to whether or not this is actually a mutual mindset. Which scares me away from the website. Anything I say may just come off as "trying to impress."

Then the word 'crazy'

Then, explaining myself. Not explaining why you're using these words. Not making any sense. Therefore, no help. It's a Friday night. Work tomorrow. How I can only think of all of the things I just said, while I am slicing a box open, and cramming packaged foods onto a shelf. Coming home, and looking at things related to what I must have been thinking about. My graduation test scores. My diploma. All of my old drawings that could not have been done by me. Thinking about how this is legitimacy. Thinking about how if I had to explain turning this into a career, all that would come up is the folks who did it for and because of admiration. Because of and for envy.

Envy vs. Inspiration. Admiration vs. Legitimacy.

When you were in a place you didn't want to be because of that mindset. When all of your friends are out doing things, whether or not you want to do them. When they can buy things you don't even want. Betraying your own beliefs- true beliefs. Regretting the betrayal of yourself. Not believing in a type of person. Follow. Realizing that you didn't believe in a type of person after experimenting with a mindset that you found because of your original mindset. See, now it's not making sense to me even.

I mean, the Windy Hill house. I ended up there because I had all these conflicting ideas about the whole college and job thing. Whatever. Ah yes. The location of this place, not only bringing the home and capability envy, but introduced me to the source of the question of the legitimacy. So both sides. Oooh, I cannot even begin to get on a steady track to explaining this. I need to get it to one final point before I can leave it alone.

I keep wondering whether or not to get a camera. Now because of the whole envy thing, I can't tell if my reasoning for getting one will be legitimate. Well hell, I got a phone out envy. And a house. Or did those things that I seemed envious of push me into getting them, therefore bettering myself? Am I being subliminally fed then need of a camera? What will I do with a camera? Use it to explain to others my ideas- aka impressing folks? Do I actually plan on making things that I want to make because I want to make them, or do I plan on making bait to attract all the crap that comes with blah. Is it so I get to have a say-so in what is filmed and what is not? Envy, again? Do I think these girls think this way because of what I happen to be reading about? What if House-Buying is just womb-envy? Am I that automaton that I wrote that essay about last year? The automaton that, instead of anyone else, I gave a connection to Eliza Doolittle?

Tupac said he recorded three songs a day- in the context of being "paranoid" about death.

Johnny Depp sees Ed Wood as a director who wasn't necessarily bad but a director who obviously wanted to get his vision out there.

Well, there it is. The challenge. If I do get a camera, I owe it to myself to make sure to do something with it every day. I mean, if it is legitimate, then shouldn't have a problem. Envy may come and go, but anything that shows up that often can't necessarily be a sin. Hm, possible burden of only making new ideas instead of working with the old. If I'm working with myself, then what about the un-used collaboration ideas. What if collaboration days are numbered? Actually limited by high school? The stupid "quote" that goes with that obviously isn't showing up in my brain. Something about not looking back. Still- If I really mean it, then I will really stick to it. As long as I don't think I'm "committing" to anything. Whatever makes sense. Sense and nonsense never betrayed anyone.

I don't know why they're speaking this language. Maybe it's a long term effect of what happens after the attached becomes detached. Chameleon. Galatea. I must admire what I created. Even if it wasn't me.

Lawlz, peac.
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“Once you have established the goals you want and the price you’re willing to pay, you can ignore the minor hurts, the opponent’s pressure and the temporary failures.” Vince Lombardi

"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." (Lao Tzu)

via the actor Edoardo Ballerini- the first one was someone else's comment, though.

Forgetting How To Freak Out

Hi, lawlz. Just a second ago, I was having one of those freak outs I have when I realize all the people who know each other. The whole mutual friends thing. Just nothing I can do. My mom just made what would actually be a great dinner, for how it was made. No idea where this stuff came from, but no I just don't like fruits in my dinner so that's why I personally... gah how do I explain..? Besides the fact that I personally find it confusing to eat a fruit in my dinner and how unexpected it was for me to eat the asparagus, but it was [some word that actually means good according to meal-cooker standards] for a meal cooked with no oven, basically. I don't know. just trying to explain that she must have done a lot for a little, but that may be far-fetched.

Got next week's schedule. Another 6 days. A panic because my mom is right. People would be glad to have those hours. Yet, I need more time to... eh who am I kidd-ong? If I would have had a job earlier in life, i would understand time-management. Ha, irony. There were books on that subject yesterday, in the library. I actually debated. Probably the reason I feel down about work in the first place. Basically the same thing as food, drugs, and bang-alotta. Freud, trying to but not 100%. I must have been trying to warn myself. Metaphor of the hours at work being an open wound literally 'gushing' blood. Something's got to slow that down. Metaphor of the previous and a white lie. Whichever bandage is chosen will cause a lot of other of that same bandage to be used. Hah typos in the present-perfect tense. Agh yes aggravation at how the things I've learned appear at the times most vulnerable to audacity.

Laughed a lot today, which is less of a good sign than I just now thought. Actually scared for a second that I've actually warmed up to working. Yeah today was proof of that. Sitting down under that nightmare camera. Laughing at jokes I don't even like, just because they're jokes. Actually saying "what?" to coworker. Forgetting things, almost. That one might be the scariest. Well, now that I think about it, work was my day today. Since I woke up at approximately 11:30 and went in at 12. It's all I had time for, actually.Then only half a day in between now and working again, in which I work the entire time the store is open plus one hour. Where the hell is my boiling point? When the hell do I discover that thing that people do to get their minds off it? It's actually designed to not be like school. That's why I have to be somewhat of a person that most people can relate to. No, no, no, no. I have to- my god I just forgot. A blank. Literally, someone just rease my memory. I bet the internet might cut off or something might replace what I'm saying with some bs. Erasing proof that I actually, gah all I can think to say is some egotistical mess that opposed the point I am making. Well if it's anywhere near egotistical, then you know what I would have been getting at. If I just state "that's why I'm the main character" then it's just that character flaw that I just imagine to be an awkwardly shaped naked white boy basking in the sunset. With a stupid haircut.

Well. Not much I can do. I'm imagining a mixture of what that one song has taught me and how to spend my time off. I remember "you ever notice when you're off of work, it's ok to actually just do nothing?" Now it's true. What Nick said. Actual private time by myself. Time to either think or tweedle around-er I'm sorry to tinker around with something. Or to "thinker" with something. Something like, eh what somethings do I know how to "thinker" around with? How can I steer this away from innuendo?

"The only thing that keeps me sane is the thought that I have all eternity in which to perfect my art."

Hey guyz

Carnage

Mmm, some didn't feel like I got a good sleep because I think I was having dreams that I was working. Dreams about sleeping on the job and getting in trouble. Of course I was tired in the dream because in real life I was sleeping, so each time the dream-me tried to snap out of it, the real me would wake up. Another incredible example of the dreams that I used to have. Except they used to be about school... they were my version of the whole nightmare of showing up to school in underwear. Actually, I think I had something like those dreams, too. Luckily, today at work was nothing like that. I merked work today. Until the part where I had no idea where to put the samples tray. I might get a warning about that, later on. Although it might not matter because I'm off tomorrow... But yeah, I was awesome today. I answered customers' questions like it was just somethin to do. Badass. Speaking of which, I'm going to buy a wallet. Hah.

And where yesterday ties into today was the whole shyness thing. I was incredibly introverted yesterday. Even when the other 18 year old made an attempt to kinda meet me for the first time, I was just all in work-mode. Stumbling over words and just not able to consider the fact that other people are human beings. Kind of. I mean, before I went to bed last night yeah I did think of how- when I was in school, every adult was just an authority figure. Then, when I turned 18 all the teachers, to me just seem "yeah ok big whoop." Now it's the students I have to worry about talking to. They're all youngs, and I'd look like a "creep" if I talked to any of them. What I'm doing right now is admitting the problem. If I am not a cresp, then it shouldn't matter. My thought process, though, was that now that I'm 18, then everybody who is an adult is just basically a peer. I don't have to feel so pressured by them. Hm, haven't told myself that in a while. I'd just been kind of scared of new folks, all over again. Like I used to be.

Anyway, I'm going to the aquarium tomorrow of course. Better remind myself not to wear my belt. They have metal detectors. I hope I get to borrow a camera, to prove that I'm not so poor that I can't just go to the aquarium whenever I feel like it. Haha, nah. Ugh. Though. The point is that, we can also start moving this weekend. I'm amused at this still. I made this happen, kinda. Like things were set in place, and I just had to do my part. I guess that's how it works. Keep feeling like I'm forgetting things. Not like "feel like I'm forgetting something" but it's the way I felt in my dream last night. 'I could get in so much trouble if I get caught napping.' Gah, where the hell is Justin? What if I was just kind of meant to go to New York, all of this time? I never felt too particular about New York at all, but now that I think about how they are about calling browns "spanish" or "Puerto Ricans," the city might kind of mach my mindset. Agh, not based upon only that, but if that's just what brown folk are, then.. Heh. No way to explain it. I'll try it, one day.

is this it?

Try Not To Get Warm...

I was about to say I deserved that piece of pie. It was actually more of a hassle than it ended up being worth. Still, what I would have meant was that I did good today and if I were much more of a fan of key lime pie, then it would have been like a reward. I almost effortlessly worked on my health today. Gah, I mean, we have to get rid of the junk foods somehow, but Yes. I did ok for myself.

Oh, whoa. I recorded two "songs" today. One was this "rap" that I had kind of conjured up towards the end of last year out of what could be comically portrayed as angst. Kind of the paper towel used to pick up all the collected garbage after a lunch. I guess, to me, it accurately describes what was wrong with that period. In hindsight, this little track is self indulgent satire. Eh well.

The other one is something I was trying out with this old drum machine toy that I've had for a while. It's only 44 seconds and I forget the word to describe that type of garbage. I mean, it's not good to listen to, and it wasn't that much of a challenge. It's good for me, though.

I had soup for dinner, which actually doesn't sound like anything to mention. I guess I was proud because it was my choice. It was a significant point in the day though because I was able to talk to my mom. I guess the media is right about the whole family dinner thing. We talked about how we should actually try to move back into that house we used to live in, on Austin Avenue. She said the landlord wouldn't mind the bad credit thing. Also, we could move into the other side of the condo-ish house that Tasha's family has been living in. Honestly, though, I would really love to move back into that house. I mean, I would actually make an effort to be there. It's a house. Imagine having personal space, once again. We'll see.

I also brought up the idea of her crocheting hats, that I had mentioned to her before. I'm not sure if it will make for originality, but they'll sell. I'm sure. I've got ideas. Anyway, those are a few things that made today legitimate. Oh yeah and I did take a pretty long walk today, occasionally running in order to build up on that whatever it's called that I happened to read about, Sunday morning.

I have my own water jugs. Remembered "Ploffy Glosh." Ready to brush teeth for the 2nd time today. Vitamins. Ay yo.

Lol He Has A Cold

I would figure I didn't get much sleep last night. I must have. I was freezing.

The night ended with three party plans down the drain. I was waiting for the weekend to end, so I just dealt with the usual 'party hunt' crap so I could finally recuperate for this year. I probably won't but I probably really have to. I'll do it. Hey, where's my facade righ quick? Dodge them droll languages.

Oh yeah, I mean, that whole passive aggressive stuff arose again. It's gross. Then, no more slumber parties allowed basically. So, I'm outside in the car because it's 2:30. Not ditched or neglected or whatever, just making use. Except, I have no recollection of how this anti-theft stuff works which means I hesitate to get outside when nature calls.

I may have dosed off for a second, but after that I was shivering to no end. I had to do whatever it took to escape to the store. Kroger. It's open 24 hours. I made it look like I was there on purpose, for a second. Of course I walked straight to that ol' bathroom. The usual stall wasn't clean, though. Kind of basically.. possibly fell asleep on the other toilet seat a few times. I wasn't using it, though.

Then I stalled for more time, loitering of course, and eventually left. "You checking out?" or whatever the one lady said, obviously suspicious. I had to go back and try it again until the sun came up. Somehow, it did. Left the car once again and went back to the store, with money I found in the car. I went to the bathroom, and bought two Reese's eggs so I would look like I had a purpose. I sat in the Chic Fil A part for a couple of hours. Went back to Nick's at noon.

After that, I was actually kinda bright-eyed and bushy-heywhatsup. I got picked up by my sister and she took me back to mom's. She stayed around for a bit when we decided to go to that Wuxtry record shop in Atlanta, basically. I bought a cd from the 'local' section. Only because it was something that basically stood aside the entire time I was in high school. I mean. Can't, though.

It was a close one.

Whose Is This

This was probably the day I was just kind of dropped off at Fide's house.

Nobody did anything, and we tried to find something to work on but nah this day didn't happen.
We ended up doing a photoshoot. I mean. At least it's something. I almost had a movie idea.

Not like nothing happened, which explains the post-date, but it's just a few more words so I can finish this sentence.

Snow Stram

This was the morning where I woke up on the very top of this elevated road which later be on the news. So, which day is this, kind of? The night before- the day before.. when it started snowing. Snow can be written about. Disappointment in me can only be gotten rid of.

Oh wait, ok. So waiting at kroger the entire time. Saw that famous couple that was on the news because they can't just be left alone. Mr. K came in, too. Imagine the mistake that was made. Then Jordan was working, and he let me eat the sandwich he made for his lunch break. Fair. Then, I became alone for a second.

The plan was that we were going to get some group of people to go into the American Adventures amusement park, and explore or something. We got Jessica T (if I'm allowed to mention her at all) first and then waited on Jordan to finish his working. Agh grapes, I mean before that, there was the scene where Nick and I were in his car, riding up Burnt Hickory Road as the roads became icier. We saw this family-sized car in the opposite direction just as we were mentioning that we would have to look out for slipping on the roads. Then the car kind of shook, which caused us to kind of joke about it starting to slip. Then the car started to turn sideways. Nick drove the car to the left to kind of get out of the way as the other car spinned a few times. It finally just headed for the fire hydrant but gained control and just left. We couldn't really digest what we had seen but we continued.

So, Jordan is in the car. Oh yeah, beers. It's ok. It is literally ok. Michael Huber was coming to meet us there. Then we drove around some more. We just kind of marveled over the accidents happening in the general area. We claim that we caused one. We're not sure. It was just some Jaguar crashing into a flagpole outside of Nick's neighborhood. Another scavenger night, kind of.
We took the time to chat with this couple whose car was just kind of in a ditch across the street. They were fine, then we just left to get on to the next setting.

That's how Barnes Mill came around. That's where Michael's new apartment is. It's on top of this huge hill, as it were. It's known as icy roads plus elevations equals oops. It's ok we decided on parking in a neighborhood and journeying up the hill. It was a good walk. Felt like a personal adventure. Of course I forgot the perfect word to use in this situation. I am in denial about where I think my memory went.

We went up to his apartment, and I ate this pie. Ah man. I knew I'd miss that pie. I wonder if my fork is still there. We slept there though. Oh yeah, and I played The Booze on Michael's iPod. Ha, I'll have to explain The Booze significance. Sister is currently dating the frontman, basically. The same man at whose house Michael's band had recorded some stuff. Sentence structures. There. Gah but other stuff to explain. Ok that's that night.

Hey.

The Big Cheat

All I can begin with is the fact of one of those days where you kind of wish you knew who that guy or girl in the movie looks like. I only figured out about 2.

I guess it could contribute to the whole idea of fantasizing about yer fims. Wishbone.

Oh and then the night before is supposed to be top secret. That's why. Even if it did kind of work, I wouldn't admit to it. Still, within there was a good concept.

I almost let it slip, but it only made for a good laugh. That's what was funny throughout- accidentally letting someone hear something. As much as I hate covering things up, it wasn't in the stars to let anybody know anything.

It's meant to be. Take it from there, me.