Wave

Yeah, ok. Maybe I can do it here finally. I've been trying to write something decent about the past couple of days. You know. Computer has been virus'd for about a week or so. I actually don't remember. But it's almost necessary now to even admit to using a computer. Here it is.

Even still- to have written about the past few days. Isn't that something? That's what I've been doing this year. Well, I won't go into it as it is another "you can't enjoy the year when you're describing everything that happens" or something, but that's some of it. Either way, it's now November.. and even more surprising, it's a little after November 11th. There's no way to document what that means to me, but that is just fast.

Just as well, it's doing that whole daylight savings thing. Well, something has to have just come over me. I was telling myself that I am beginning to finally lose memory.. but then I realized that I actually haven't been doing anything enough to remember anything. I don't know. I can probably look back on this period of time as just "hospital visits and nothing happening". Yeah, I think it's safe to say "nothing is happening," whether or not it's true, at this point. Well, I guess, nothing was happening there for a moment.. Now I'm into the school application process. Er.

Well before it's too late, I've been wanting to say "you'll see," a lot. It doesn't work here. It's not the same as me automatically thinking the words "Follow Me" when I put a pen to a piece of paper or the back of a notebook. It's important. It's important for me to know, at least. I've been needing to make some point. I keep thinking of things to day and it just resolves in "you'll see". Who? Whatever. Whatever that stuff in the air is is doing a number of things to me. Besides the forgetting, it's making me feel unsure of myself, if that's the right way to say it. I keep thinking I need to make one good point, one good thing to say, and then I won't be so agitated. I guess I can't explain. Actually, it's like that paranoia feeling... oh boy.. which brings up the past couple of days which I have yet to bring up. One thing to be said before that, though. Forgetting, paranoia, trying to make some delusional point, and these "heavy" dreams. Eh, actually sounds like certain side effects. Mental crap. It's not the same. It's missing something. But isn't that how it always takes over? Making you think that something different is happening? Tell myself "it's probably only the weather", "it's probably only a hormone"?

I tried to explain this week many times. Maybe I'd have to wait until it's over? Well, I don't want to forget by that time. Isn't that what this week is about? The ability to forget? Well, according to what I just said, it's one among other things. I'm not sure if I'm willing to forget, yet. I worry. The first sign of this.. actually was on Sunday. So I'm clear? Something got me into a mode. I was thinking about this year's end fading into a whole other year. 2011? That one? I hope I'm not lying around in bed, some day in the middle of 2011. It'll happen. I hope I'm not just sitting on a phone chatting about what could-be-about-to-be as the sun goes down, next year. It's like, I have a very particular conversation with people, mapping out exactly what can happen and how to do it, and then a week happens. Fide's right. Somebody's out there setting the parameters. Changing the waves so we think in a different direction, every couple of seconds. Why do we keep switching it around? Do we all have a different idea of how things go or is somebody just doing some dastardly stuff to us? Right. I just imagined it. Going back to school, probably having the gall to move out of this house.. this safe house.. and it just turns into 'hanging out' or 'hanging around' for another ghastly amount of time. Paradox of "I just can't wait on other people". Really, though. What is the one thing? There is no one thing. That again. Those again. Do I really see myself doing what I want to be doing in 2011? Joke is on you. I'm the only one optimistic, here.

Right. That was Sunday. Inward. Then, Monday was the time I stepped foot outdoors. What a hellfire. I just went to the bank, and then onto reading a book. Then the book made me think for a bit. Then those thoughts reminded me of my dad. So I called him. I mindlessly ran into Hank. Espresso. He told me his story. His story. You never know. I've never considered biographies. I heard what I wanted to hear, I suppose. Hm, but the more I tell the events of the day, the more I realize that we all might be in the same mood. Under that same ol' wave that must've come over me. Well, not really based on him or anything. That just gave me a story to tell. Also, I might have imagined seeing a certain person that I know, but I didn't look back. Hard to explain, but there was a person sitting on a car whose face I didn't have time to look at. I don't know.

How I just keep coming back and wondering what I must have just written about. I actually don't remember the very last thing I said. Oh right. Yeah, Monday. Someone's offers to take you to a place, you go. Finished a book that night. Conan premiered. Still, a lot of talk about "I just saw the devil" that no one can really take back. It really just creeps into your brain. That again reminds me of the dreams I must be having this week. I think I caught one, but I don't remember. They've been kicking me old school.

Two days this week I've gone to the school to turn something in. Both times, I run into Nathan and Matthew. It just happens. To go any farther into talking about that'd just be stress. I ended up at "political club" today. I must've been a fool. I really just stay in comfort zones. I've done everything, though. Someone must be keeping me sheltered. Well, whatever. That's this week. Eh, I'm getting that negative "school" feeling, I guess. I'll see. I can't tell if this is like the tiptoe of the year, though. What does November look like?

I hope I snap out of it. Or back into something else. September was a good one. Except the 25th. You'd think I'd have nerves of steel by now, but I guess I lack experience. Hell. I don't know if I've been in some 'twilight of my own secret thoughts' though because I'm regenerating old mindsetsahhellwhatever. Not to mention, I didn't even mention "After All". That'll never happen.

Goodness. Ha.

Wild

It's actually very astonishing. I can... speak volumes, I'm sure, and not even once mention anything in my life that might involve.. well you know, the personal stuff. What happened to the public-personal relationship I was headed for? Er, you know, nothing secret. Well nothing is secret, I guess, is the problem. Yeah, actually. I guess if you're not going to have secrets, you had better not want to have secrets. Fine. I guess I have "secrets". Fine. I guess I am regular. Whoa.

So, you're saying... not being outstanding was just a way to hold off until you were allowed to be outstanding? No good. You can't necessarily dig yourself out of that. Quick, be outstanding! Hold on. See? Hesitation. I guess you have to be in a realm of past and present in terms of completing... goals.

Though. The problem cannot be a question of whether or not I am outstanding. Of course.. I'm apparently "esoteric". Of course I had to look it up. Known by a select few, right? A select few are able to see me as outstanding. On top of that few, are the ones who are interested. They give up, easily. The majority give up, instantly. So, when I'm ready.. fine.

I should definitely stop with the delusions, though. I should either get someone to listen to all of it, or hell. Someone needs to be able to listen, without jumping to conclusions. I know for fact that it makes a great story, but I... There was something that was on tv... oh yeah.. that woman who can talk backwards.. She didn't know that it wasn't "normal" until it came up, one day. That's what I want to see. I want to see if my stories sound familiar. Hm. He's torn.

Other than that, yeah. Career changes. I need to cool down. May need to travel. Imagine how good it'd be to see very unfamiliar people, who can know nothing of your previous travels. As if you'd tell them. To think.. a change of scenery and all of this could have just been some dream. Hah. You've been escaped, all along! Agh, but not for long. Eventually someone is going to ask you to speak up. There's something to you. So, you say almost too little.. and it get's everybody all panicky. Damn it.

Again.


Oh. Dream. Yeah, after I had trouble getting to sleep, after shouting the word "chemicals" over and over again... I dreamt that I was driving. I was driving and I was the only one to see a flaming white helicopter coming close to the ground. Right next to where that Chic-Fil-A billboard would be, over the bridge. I guess because I was the only one who could see it, I was the only one who could maintain myself on the road. Huge disaster. Cars freaking out, me going steady. Eventually, I end up at some... safe house or party... I think I talked to a bunch of people about it, and I tried to let everyone know that I was the only one to actually see it happen. Not sure if a lot of the folks cared. Fine, though. The house was kind of like how you can imagine the rest of the house from Married With Children to look. Regular young guy with medium brown hair, holding a drink. Heh. Something else good happened, but still... I never have dreams with fire or destruction. I knew I'd dream though. Another 'pro' to a horrible thing.

Then, I think I visited Justin, somehow. He was just on a hotel bed. On the phone. That's kind of all. Not sure. Hah. I never really see folks like that, in dreams. Well, see. Not Justin, at least. Makes me want to dream of my other cast of characters. Ah well.

Ohhh yeah. I remember waking up and describing my "perfect girl" for some reason. I actually sat up, and counted specific qualities with my fingers.. It was, of course, a delusional type of specific. Delusional specifics. Like how also before sleeping, I thought of a "spectrum of vulgarity". In addition to a "roulette of..." I don't think I finished that one. One of those last thoughts before bed, where you sum up the world for the night. Never lasts.

Well.

Reasoning

Alright, so I'm sure I did some intense dreaming last night. I mean. I left messages on answering machines, a lot. Ate.

It's just been the whole reality/not reality thing, again. Plus, I might be losing my mask of legitimacy. I'm less impressive, in person. I've earned the right to admit to it. When you're thinking exactly the same thing as someone else.. eh, competition. It's not bad.

Ha, I'm missing out on some celebration. Oh right, that's what I needed to do. I needed to go down stairs and get my phone. I know. Those are where my plans are. I just kind of wonder if these material plans help out, any. Calling them that. Still.

As fast as possible, though, just to prove that I can. Ok, quick. What am I thinking? Uh, well, I'm impressive :). I'm thinking impressive. Must be impressive. "I'm Tom Cruise, I'm Tom Cruise..." Not I, of course. All I have to do is look in the mirror and remember that I'm me. I'm literally just me, the poor bastard. Good work, kid.

Now, I have to catch up with time. It's another case of writing what you're doing right now to the point of having written what you have to do after it all. Nevermind.

This is kind of how I do it, but oh yeah. My thing right now, is how people seriously think that I'm being "rondom" yeah "rondom." Crumb! I'm speaking about a subject that should only bother the 14 year old version of myself. See. The Past, I forgot to mention that whole episode. Sorry. It's ok, I just don't trust too much.

My younger self worked pretty well. Compatibility. Sour.

Thanks.

Souls

Just any given demon woman putting you to sleep for about 13 hours.

That one dream I wrote about actually ended up happening. Well, it would have if I would have had a dvd player downstairs.. Until yesterday, I was stuck in June 21st: the day after my birthday.

For my birthday, I fell asleep at maybe 5 am, again. I was trying out a new medication, honestly. I did it wrong, so it was whatever. Woke up with a headache, but it was a decent headache. I walked out to see all that had been prepared for my celebration. Stuff set up, out back. I remember being on the lawn swing chair thing for a while. Then Grant came over and family came over.

Of course, I told them lies about work and college. I can't handle things. No one even knows that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Exactly. Contradiction. Crap, that reminds me.

There was a mid point. Then, it picked up as the family left and my guests arrived. Nerve-wracking. Er, thought so. You know what, though? It ended up beautifully. Literally, a beautiful day. The day people only give you when you're on your death bed. Oh well.

Justin even told me that the conversation we had when it was all over was just the happiest he's ever heard me. Heh. Still, I feel much like a failure in that area. It's ok. I just wanted to achieve some type of exit strategy for people like me. The failure of such a thing can literally only attribute to a life in the grind. Life in the grind. It's sacred.

Then, I lost track for a couple of days. Yeah, I celebrated Nick's birthday, but that was kind of what I had been doing the week before. When I tried to go back into the world that I was trying to kind of take hold of before, I literally set myself up for disappointment. So, last night I felt the exact opposite of how I did when my birthday was over.

I mean at least then, there was a chance of folks doing anything. Last night, it was just everything with every reason to be horrifying. Everyone is just so inaccessible. Anyone who can help just can not help. I literally have to hide from family, for a couple of reasons. I mean, I know who to trust with any situation, but they're scary monsters at this moment. Really, what I'm saying is that I had this devastating realization about females, again.

I really feel that they're monsters. I really feel that they're the ones who only want one thing. I heard my mom and her friend come in, and I heard them talk all night. They didn't know I was home, in my room, asleep that early. It was the most demonic thing I had ever heard. Complaining and coming up with people to blame problems on. There is no need a person will ever have to cause someone to talk about a thermostat the way my mom did last night. Our poor dog was right in the line of fire. His crying for her attention just says it all. Women are these things that are on some crazed mission. They're scouting out the world, for what they want. No one can enter this planet without something that a woman has done. I mean it. They birth men and more women, take care of animals, all so that we can beg for more. How can a thing be so evil by doing so many good things? It is corruption.

That was the thing. Notice I said I was asleep, well- in bed, early? All of this is the kind of thing that makes you lose faith in the entire universe-- or at least an entire universe of things. The only thing you can do is try to fall asleep. That's probably the only way to escape. Of course, since it comes to mind, death won't be a way to escape this type of universe. Death is actually a part of it. All that can be done is several, temporary escapes.

Well, who could this all be directed from? The source of this type of realization? Don't worry about it. Even me writing anything is actually just a dormant sacrificial animal that I give up in order to flag down some woman's appreciation. That's something I studied from them, firsthand. Any mention of long-term "sustaining from doing a certain thing" is actually just a dormant begging of doing so.

So, you can see I know that there's nothing I can do, so far. I'm not completely irate with anyone, and the only thing I can expand upon is myself and what I'm thinking. I just got the "tower" card. What Tupac said, too. I just have to keep an eye out for myself. These people might just be aiming to hurt, but hey why not?

Ok, eject please.

Theater.

It started out with a dream, and the most significant part was the number 14. That's how many seconds we were able to last. You were keeping score. I noticed, so I one-upped and wrote 15. Maybe it'd give us something to strive for, next peek. Somehow, you ended up on my left side and finally spoke. Unfortunately, all you did was inform me of a quote. As a result, what you said was something about a phallic object being over-used. Still- underneath your actual words, I heard a tone of something like "You know, we're not always going to have this chance. We might as well enjoy it (or do something about it)" That's when I actually had to wake up, and walk around.

Before that conclusion of the dream, in hindsight, the storyline was a premonition of the subject-matter of the actual day that was ahead. I was in a car. I did things that would offend anyone who had known me, previously. This person was offended, but it was settled. We had all sat down to watch some animated feature about animals. At a point there were three animals, separated by two lines on the screen. The cartoon outlines of the animals had stood stagnant, and the shape of the animals were essentially a maze. In the actual context of the maze, the edges were bumpers in which all biological matter of the animal had exited the body. These animated creatures were decaying, from the inside.

Then came the part where you joined me. If you know who "you" are, then it can only mean you remember the same dream. We were keeping track of the time it took us to be able to look into the eyes of one another. One another. I know. It legitimizes itself because, like I said, I had to wake up. When I did wake up, it was one exactly one hour before the time I had planned to wake up. I had a plan, this day. I was thrown an empty package of birth-control pills to throw away. I asked what these ones in the middle are for. Mon. Tue. Wed. Thur. Fri. Sat. So on. The ones in the middle- blatant placebo. That would be the word that echoes throughout the day. Placebo. It's just so elementary.

I had time to prepare, so I actually considered which parts of my plan I would actually keep the same. It turns out, that placebo was involved- in contrast to what I did not think. Reunited with the road, and our party grew. It hit me. We had to walk around, so that our pride would not get a little bit "vintage." Our first stop was in the corner store that everybody steals from. I call it that because I was the last one out. I remember convincing myself that there had actually been gummy cyanide candies, inside. There's no telling how long I was actually in the store, or how long I actually did drink from the water fountain. I held some water in my mouth, reminiscent of when you weren't allowed to keep drinking from the fountain in earlier school days. I was looking in a mirror when I finally took that last sip, as if I had gone back for an entire other drink.

It took forever for me to finally walk outside, and to realize that the figures outside waiting were actually each one of the people I had walked here with. We finally sat down, and that's exactly it. I stopped moving. They stopped moving. I made a point, I disappeared. My plan showed up. A table of a lot of mascots for the month, thus far. Here for me, that's where it began. This was my chance, but the two days prior were intended for forgetting what I would do in this situation. It wasn't the hypothetical situation that I could expand upon for hours, but it was somewhat of a digit. All through the day, people asked my if that was a "heart" on my neck. It was just red marker. One of the first few words that were said involved the variation of 'placebo' that caught me off guard. Someone was going to call me a phony.

Two people met, and I couldn't enjoy it. People meeting each other is one of my favorite situations. Sometimes that situation would cause me to scream. It was for the better. I remember trying my hardest to figure out the word I was looking for to portray the visual of a tv-personality's lines being scrolled up through a monitor. I had to think of that in order to explain how someone had previously been speaking in paragraphs. Underneath, something much more important happened this day.

It took me about three hours to eat the box of rice and beans that I was fooled into buying, when I needed it the most. Slowly, several disappointeds came and went. I didn't disappoint them, at all. My piece of disappointment came from the delivery of some message I thought I would be able to send. There were some people who were around me, for the sake of being around me. I didn't know it. There were several times, in the past, that I wanted to be around them. I didn't hear what I wanted. That's what makes me a phony. A synthetic. Intellectuals want groups of intellectuals because they have a higher concentration of being alone. Being alone makes words that much harder to hit. You can't really hide for two weeks, and expect to jump out and tell someone why they should hide. Redeem yourself, and just present it to them like you had planned.

So, there. One takes shape of the real thing, but it doesn't really give much effort in to being portrayed as the real thing- that one ends up being the disappointment. The other somehow gets help from others into being just something similar. A clear case of "Hell, why not?" So, I claimed not to know. I didn't know it then, but my state of being stubborn fixed my dilemma that I was trying to enact the entire weekend. Eventually, it's a paradox, but now I just need a lot of replacements. A lot of Hell, why not's. Some imaginary friend, they've got. In the same breath, I don't want to give any person the satisfaction of being imaginary if that's what they claim to be.

Although, now that I think about it, we're probably giving the same reaction. Gabbing and being gabbed about. If only our spokesperson swapped places. It'd make the story a little bit more suspenseful. So my plan, and paradox, was just detachment. That being done, just means it's time to go on with the rest of the day. That's when I remembered that I just couldn't. This was the last stroke before my portrait dries. My next mission was to figure out who I thought I was. Something like that.

I was told who my mom and my sister were. They're just names, this day. I was told that I wasn't doing enough. It was a parody of publicity, spoken by those who mirror it. Researching me, they know that I'm somewhat of an alter ego. I'm a generous alter ego with no need to hide the original person. I will, however, hide the name. It'll show up, inevitably. I found them because I was separated from my central "group." I was apart from my temporary group- the friends you end up with on a field trip. I had left the tabloids. Again, I was in the middle of a crowded town center. I heard the same voice that I heard one year ago. One of the local bands that perform here, each year. That's when I was convinced of my latest theory. The one where I shamefully agree that we're all in the same year, always. It made sense, this time.

There was another part where I had tried to explain my theory that I had just before that one. It's ok, though. There's only one missing piece. The second time I explained that one, was when I realized a common theme in children. I was with another group, the new-schoolers. I looked down to see a child calling my name because he looks up to me, in a matter of thinking. Hell, I can't disappoint him. I can't let him down, even if he only thinks I'm from the tv- which I am not. I asked the new school advice on what I should be doing with my life. I asked because I expected them to answer with exactly what their parents are giving them. They surprised me, but only left me with what I had already known. Who isn't thinking about travel, in this situation?

I convinced myself that my descendant was staring deep into my eyes. Still a baby. This was the second one that let me know what I was doing. I was walking around, station-to-station, asking who I was and what I should do. Looking for more, I ended up near where I want to be one day. That's when my televised group showed up. They were looking for me, and I went into the place that I want to go one day. I had been there before, it was no big deal, but circumstance is a factor. With them, I was reunited with the personal effects of my group. This was a point where I would not say a word. Lost, and revolving around me, this was my self. There was the mother and father, the insecure, the introverted, the skeptic, and the subconscious. I'm just as ashamed as their ability to decide, but they were a working body. My body walked through the area, just as I do when I wander. We detached again. This time, minus the introverted and the skeptic. We were among the casual.

Toward the end of it all, I realize that I am who I am in others. Out-of-body, I could practically be nothing more than a fake profile. I could be the main character of everyone's favorite story wrapped into one protagonist. Just as an imaginary person can be remembered in legends, folklore, and handed down stories- I can be remembered in casual conversation. Physically, I am represented in the actions of a group of any given number of friends. Quite literally, I'd be a desperate attempt of a child's imagination to create bs.

Feeling doesn't matter much to me, I guess. I can empathize, sympathize, and even synthesize (maybe even "peepathize")- but feeling is not a reaction I will ever aim for. I guess that swaps one letter. What I realized, through this visual journey, was just a couple of hints for what I can do. I think. This time, I hope not to disappoint.

I am myself, and I might as well be my fake self. Your self.

Relief

Alright. Feeling somewhat of a thing like addiction about internet, now. Trying not to keep checking, but tomorrow is my only day off and I just can't make the most of my time. Have to calm. Alone, free.

Woke up after this dream. A broadway adaptation of Nick. Text messages, of all things. Product placement. Secret messages. Real versus what I think I'm saying. Then there- the nerve that I have to wonder what something means.. What is a 'blue flunkerfish'? Vividly in my dream.

Two movies involving "thorazines." Then, just fake profile freakout. I know. More product. Just trying to scrape the last of it out. I'm all alone, you know.

help?

Crazy

Last night didn't help it. One of those walks. Then comments. I was flushed into some weird bind I couldn't have possibly gotten out of. One of those things that cause a loss of sleep. I slept fine, but it didn't stop. A chance to confront the pinnacle of my current anxiety. No, I mean I actually feel weird. Like, actually having gone off the deep end. Thinking of a way to respond, thinking of every possible response. First thing this morning was about that show on the History Channel about the seven deadly sins. Envy. Explaining how a lot of stuff is just based in envy, you know? Wise enough to cut through the bs and the guilt that being engrossed would cause, I realize that Freud showed up again. Then, my mom walks in with Battleship, the board game er whatever. Two things involved in what I've been thinking lately.

We were supposed to do Twill today. I had finally tried to explain that I really have no time for Twill. It's just so stupid. It bores me, I get nothing out of it. That's not usually me, but I'm just too exhausted about it to explain. It's an exhausted idea. It's bland, and anything involving a dirt road dries me to no end. It's illegitimate and unrewarding. Like work. It is work, and anything I offer my imagination cannot be work. "It's not genuine." I am not starting a "band" and I do not want to. Not under these circumstances.

Then, Nick. His name is Nick. What the hell? I have a friend named Nick? Since when? Doesn't sound right. Still, he was to be coming into town. He was just in Florida. The relevance is just that he was also talking to me at the same time as Grant.

Both sides of my birthday. If you shave both their heads, you'd get a yin yang on the floor. Not black and white, unless you convert to grayscale. They're both speaking as if to make plans for later on. I also wanted to try for buying a camera. Options for the day. Nothing happens. Meanwhile, I'm still thinking about the fact that there are 3 other people who I do not ever see, all thinking about the same thing. Same as that author. One person having these thoughts for legitimate reasons, wondering how someone who couldn't possibly have legitimate reasoning look so genuine, the friend who is going through similar circumstances and ambiguous as to whether or not this is actually a mutual mindset. Which scares me away from the website. Anything I say may just come off as "trying to impress."

Then the word 'crazy'

Then, explaining myself. Not explaining why you're using these words. Not making any sense. Therefore, no help. It's a Friday night. Work tomorrow. How I can only think of all of the things I just said, while I am slicing a box open, and cramming packaged foods onto a shelf. Coming home, and looking at things related to what I must have been thinking about. My graduation test scores. My diploma. All of my old drawings that could not have been done by me. Thinking about how this is legitimacy. Thinking about how if I had to explain turning this into a career, all that would come up is the folks who did it for and because of admiration. Because of and for envy.

Envy vs. Inspiration. Admiration vs. Legitimacy.

When you were in a place you didn't want to be because of that mindset. When all of your friends are out doing things, whether or not you want to do them. When they can buy things you don't even want. Betraying your own beliefs- true beliefs. Regretting the betrayal of yourself. Not believing in a type of person. Follow. Realizing that you didn't believe in a type of person after experimenting with a mindset that you found because of your original mindset. See, now it's not making sense to me even.

I mean, the Windy Hill house. I ended up there because I had all these conflicting ideas about the whole college and job thing. Whatever. Ah yes. The location of this place, not only bringing the home and capability envy, but introduced me to the source of the question of the legitimacy. So both sides. Oooh, I cannot even begin to get on a steady track to explaining this. I need to get it to one final point before I can leave it alone.

I keep wondering whether or not to get a camera. Now because of the whole envy thing, I can't tell if my reasoning for getting one will be legitimate. Well hell, I got a phone out envy. And a house. Or did those things that I seemed envious of push me into getting them, therefore bettering myself? Am I being subliminally fed then need of a camera? What will I do with a camera? Use it to explain to others my ideas- aka impressing folks? Do I actually plan on making things that I want to make because I want to make them, or do I plan on making bait to attract all the crap that comes with blah. Is it so I get to have a say-so in what is filmed and what is not? Envy, again? Do I think these girls think this way because of what I happen to be reading about? What if House-Buying is just womb-envy? Am I that automaton that I wrote that essay about last year? The automaton that, instead of anyone else, I gave a connection to Eliza Doolittle?

Tupac said he recorded three songs a day- in the context of being "paranoid" about death.

Johnny Depp sees Ed Wood as a director who wasn't necessarily bad but a director who obviously wanted to get his vision out there.

Well, there it is. The challenge. If I do get a camera, I owe it to myself to make sure to do something with it every day. I mean, if it is legitimate, then shouldn't have a problem. Envy may come and go, but anything that shows up that often can't necessarily be a sin. Hm, possible burden of only making new ideas instead of working with the old. If I'm working with myself, then what about the un-used collaboration ideas. What if collaboration days are numbered? Actually limited by high school? The stupid "quote" that goes with that obviously isn't showing up in my brain. Something about not looking back. Still- If I really mean it, then I will really stick to it. As long as I don't think I'm "committing" to anything. Whatever makes sense. Sense and nonsense never betrayed anyone.

I don't know why they're speaking this language. Maybe it's a long term effect of what happens after the attached becomes detached. Chameleon. Galatea. I must admire what I created. Even if it wasn't me.

Lawlz, peac.
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“Once you have established the goals you want and the price you’re willing to pay, you can ignore the minor hurts, the opponent’s pressure and the temporary failures.” Vince Lombardi

"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." (Lao Tzu)

via the actor Edoardo Ballerini- the first one was someone else's comment, though.

To Have Done

Lot of to-do list type of stuff in the past 30 minutes. Cleared the to-do list of things to put on my to-do list. Listening to the Parliament was on my to-do list. Last time, Regina Spektor. I have to remind myself what I'm in the mood for. It works out, when it's supposed to. Actual white wine, though.

Another payday, but really subtle. Generous amount, but not a lot off emphasis. Today and yesterday, kind of anxious about the fact that I have the phone that other people have been getting. The one that I just found out to be on a billboard. It's fine, though. I'm Me. It's a triumph for me, when looked at by those others. I just finally want to make sure I'm able to get things settled. So I don't have to put all my eggs in one baskets. Really wish it was bricks, for some reason.

I want to fix my voice. I want us to be able to have full control over our health. I mean, within reason. It's ok, generosity again. I'll have it figured. Accidental marriage. Gah, bad timing.

Alright, I hav-- oh yeah I was supposed to mention that today was shot in a different style. People have become aware of the things that I have become aware of but only in one instance. Pride and the consequence. Took a walk because of my dream last night. One person who would never sing a song that they were singing. A walk through my high school years after being ousted. The dream of course. Void. Enough sleep, though. Part two. Then, on track.

Not even.

Carnage

Mmm, some didn't feel like I got a good sleep because I think I was having dreams that I was working. Dreams about sleeping on the job and getting in trouble. Of course I was tired in the dream because in real life I was sleeping, so each time the dream-me tried to snap out of it, the real me would wake up. Another incredible example of the dreams that I used to have. Except they used to be about school... they were my version of the whole nightmare of showing up to school in underwear. Actually, I think I had something like those dreams, too. Luckily, today at work was nothing like that. I merked work today. Until the part where I had no idea where to put the samples tray. I might get a warning about that, later on. Although it might not matter because I'm off tomorrow... But yeah, I was awesome today. I answered customers' questions like it was just somethin to do. Badass. Speaking of which, I'm going to buy a wallet. Hah.

And where yesterday ties into today was the whole shyness thing. I was incredibly introverted yesterday. Even when the other 18 year old made an attempt to kinda meet me for the first time, I was just all in work-mode. Stumbling over words and just not able to consider the fact that other people are human beings. Kind of. I mean, before I went to bed last night yeah I did think of how- when I was in school, every adult was just an authority figure. Then, when I turned 18 all the teachers, to me just seem "yeah ok big whoop." Now it's the students I have to worry about talking to. They're all youngs, and I'd look like a "creep" if I talked to any of them. What I'm doing right now is admitting the problem. If I am not a cresp, then it shouldn't matter. My thought process, though, was that now that I'm 18, then everybody who is an adult is just basically a peer. I don't have to feel so pressured by them. Hm, haven't told myself that in a while. I'd just been kind of scared of new folks, all over again. Like I used to be.

Anyway, I'm going to the aquarium tomorrow of course. Better remind myself not to wear my belt. They have metal detectors. I hope I get to borrow a camera, to prove that I'm not so poor that I can't just go to the aquarium whenever I feel like it. Haha, nah. Ugh. Though. The point is that, we can also start moving this weekend. I'm amused at this still. I made this happen, kinda. Like things were set in place, and I just had to do my part. I guess that's how it works. Keep feeling like I'm forgetting things. Not like "feel like I'm forgetting something" but it's the way I felt in my dream last night. 'I could get in so much trouble if I get caught napping.' Gah, where the hell is Justin? What if I was just kind of meant to go to New York, all of this time? I never felt too particular about New York at all, but now that I think about how they are about calling browns "spanish" or "Puerto Ricans," the city might kind of mach my mindset. Agh, not based upon only that, but if that's just what brown folk are, then.. Heh. No way to explain it. I'll try it, one day.

is this it?

Cold Supposed

Today is just generally a "cold" day. That's the basis. Other things are little sprouts from just the factor that it feels these temperatures when you're outside. It stings.

I woke up and I was having these dreams, kind of while I was waking up and then when I was awake. I don't know. I dreamt that I was at a combination of Woodpointe (apartments by the school, where Nick lives) and what is now called Madison at the Knolls (where I used to live.) I was having an internal debate on whether or not I should be trying to impress a certain point. It was already a situation where things would end up negative because of how things always go in the past, but when I didn't think about it- I was kind of impressive. Then, when I thought about it, I wasn't able to control what I was saying and then I had to keep making up for what I was saying. That's how my dreams are. Hah, that's that scheme of how all my old dreams used to be. Good to know I actually am back. Oh and there were breakfast burritos there, too. When I kind of woke up, I tried to focus on that dream for a while and I think I ended up falling into another dream that kind of continued it. My debate that I was having caused my to try to prove to everyone that I was having this debate, so I went as far as to take a bus for no reason. On the bus, there were some folks I had went to school with [now that I think about it, they might've been the ones I happened to see the last time I rode the bus.] and they were kind of shouting or something. I listened, and when I realized that I was on this bus for no reason, I tried to find the thing you pull to get off. I think I woke up.

Oh and before all of that, I think I had a pretty stressful dream. I don't know. I think I had a few. In that one way.

So, today. I made sure to get some sleep. I had a bunch. Had to bathroom, but I had to wait. Secret shop, 10 piece chicken er. Wrok. Brought back some frees. Tash brought me some DVDs. I'll be doing that before I sleep. A couple of shirry films, somewhat. One of them is actually an incredible idea. It should be in a list of mine, one day. This is all that's kind of going on in my life for this moment. I'd try to seize the day or the whole 'live like it is your last' stuff, but I'm not even sure. I guess I can't say I don't.

And yesterday, literally nothing to explain. I was so close to just posting a review about the new Fox series Past Life because I actually sat down to watch it. That's what I did, yesterday. Put more money in the bank, I think. So, I guess it adds up. The days, I mean.

Good Nigh