Wave

Yeah, ok. Maybe I can do it here finally. I've been trying to write something decent about the past couple of days. You know. Computer has been virus'd for about a week or so. I actually don't remember. But it's almost necessary now to even admit to using a computer. Here it is.

Even still- to have written about the past few days. Isn't that something? That's what I've been doing this year. Well, I won't go into it as it is another "you can't enjoy the year when you're describing everything that happens" or something, but that's some of it. Either way, it's now November.. and even more surprising, it's a little after November 11th. There's no way to document what that means to me, but that is just fast.

Just as well, it's doing that whole daylight savings thing. Well, something has to have just come over me. I was telling myself that I am beginning to finally lose memory.. but then I realized that I actually haven't been doing anything enough to remember anything. I don't know. I can probably look back on this period of time as just "hospital visits and nothing happening". Yeah, I think it's safe to say "nothing is happening," whether or not it's true, at this point. Well, I guess, nothing was happening there for a moment.. Now I'm into the school application process. Er.

Well before it's too late, I've been wanting to say "you'll see," a lot. It doesn't work here. It's not the same as me automatically thinking the words "Follow Me" when I put a pen to a piece of paper or the back of a notebook. It's important. It's important for me to know, at least. I've been needing to make some point. I keep thinking of things to day and it just resolves in "you'll see". Who? Whatever. Whatever that stuff in the air is is doing a number of things to me. Besides the forgetting, it's making me feel unsure of myself, if that's the right way to say it. I keep thinking I need to make one good point, one good thing to say, and then I won't be so agitated. I guess I can't explain. Actually, it's like that paranoia feeling... oh boy.. which brings up the past couple of days which I have yet to bring up. One thing to be said before that, though. Forgetting, paranoia, trying to make some delusional point, and these "heavy" dreams. Eh, actually sounds like certain side effects. Mental crap. It's not the same. It's missing something. But isn't that how it always takes over? Making you think that something different is happening? Tell myself "it's probably only the weather", "it's probably only a hormone"?

I tried to explain this week many times. Maybe I'd have to wait until it's over? Well, I don't want to forget by that time. Isn't that what this week is about? The ability to forget? Well, according to what I just said, it's one among other things. I'm not sure if I'm willing to forget, yet. I worry. The first sign of this.. actually was on Sunday. So I'm clear? Something got me into a mode. I was thinking about this year's end fading into a whole other year. 2011? That one? I hope I'm not lying around in bed, some day in the middle of 2011. It'll happen. I hope I'm not just sitting on a phone chatting about what could-be-about-to-be as the sun goes down, next year. It's like, I have a very particular conversation with people, mapping out exactly what can happen and how to do it, and then a week happens. Fide's right. Somebody's out there setting the parameters. Changing the waves so we think in a different direction, every couple of seconds. Why do we keep switching it around? Do we all have a different idea of how things go or is somebody just doing some dastardly stuff to us? Right. I just imagined it. Going back to school, probably having the gall to move out of this house.. this safe house.. and it just turns into 'hanging out' or 'hanging around' for another ghastly amount of time. Paradox of "I just can't wait on other people". Really, though. What is the one thing? There is no one thing. That again. Those again. Do I really see myself doing what I want to be doing in 2011? Joke is on you. I'm the only one optimistic, here.

Right. That was Sunday. Inward. Then, Monday was the time I stepped foot outdoors. What a hellfire. I just went to the bank, and then onto reading a book. Then the book made me think for a bit. Then those thoughts reminded me of my dad. So I called him. I mindlessly ran into Hank. Espresso. He told me his story. His story. You never know. I've never considered biographies. I heard what I wanted to hear, I suppose. Hm, but the more I tell the events of the day, the more I realize that we all might be in the same mood. Under that same ol' wave that must've come over me. Well, not really based on him or anything. That just gave me a story to tell. Also, I might have imagined seeing a certain person that I know, but I didn't look back. Hard to explain, but there was a person sitting on a car whose face I didn't have time to look at. I don't know.

How I just keep coming back and wondering what I must have just written about. I actually don't remember the very last thing I said. Oh right. Yeah, Monday. Someone's offers to take you to a place, you go. Finished a book that night. Conan premiered. Still, a lot of talk about "I just saw the devil" that no one can really take back. It really just creeps into your brain. That again reminds me of the dreams I must be having this week. I think I caught one, but I don't remember. They've been kicking me old school.

Two days this week I've gone to the school to turn something in. Both times, I run into Nathan and Matthew. It just happens. To go any farther into talking about that'd just be stress. I ended up at "political club" today. I must've been a fool. I really just stay in comfort zones. I've done everything, though. Someone must be keeping me sheltered. Well, whatever. That's this week. Eh, I'm getting that negative "school" feeling, I guess. I'll see. I can't tell if this is like the tiptoe of the year, though. What does November look like?

I hope I snap out of it. Or back into something else. September was a good one. Except the 25th. You'd think I'd have nerves of steel by now, but I guess I lack experience. Hell. I don't know if I've been in some 'twilight of my own secret thoughts' though because I'm regenerating old mindsetsahhellwhatever. Not to mention, I didn't even mention "After All". That'll never happen.

Goodness. Ha.

Ignore

Yeah, Let's try to ignore the void of what happened in the past month and a half. I mean, what I really have to say about it is scattered across whatever the heck it is that got in my way since then. Really, all I'd normally be saying right about now is some garbage about all the interesting quotes I had heard my family say while I was in Chicago. All the phrases that somehow end up echoing through other people. I'd be telling of how I'm trying to apply most of it to my life. Then, here, I'd mention that the most important piece of advice I had heard was just the word "chew". Well, no. I really can't go into detail about that just yet because I've already had that conversation with each of my friends. One of them, at least, that I can visualize right now.

I suppose what is now "in" is just what I've been trying to workout with the people around me. Er. See, I can talk about this just because it's about what I've been talking about with friends of mine, rather than the same old stuff I've been repeating to them all week. I know it to be true, that I've said "photoshoot" almost too many times, in the past few days. I've always noted the rule of etiquette..or just social behavior.. that goes something like "if you find yourself telling the same stories, more than once..". Not sure. I guess the rule is not to become boring by only having one thing going on in your life. Ouch. Still, I realize that none of my friends are actually thoroughly talking to each other, so I feel as though I am circulating and refreshing the things they have to say about...our latest..plan. Right. That's a mystery. Yeah, we're really trying to get some type of a ball rolling on our.. you know.. ugh.. entertainment careers. Sorry. It's just the type of thing that it hurts to talk about unless it's already actually working.

Ironically enough, this all probably does lead to some of that Chicago advice. Like I am reluctantly going to repeat, I wanted to come back to Georgia and "hit the ground running". Agh. Still, I shouldn't be ashamed in the least. I did just that. Hm, I mean, I guess I did run that day. No, no. Eventually I did have somewhat of a business meeting. Two, kind of, but eh. So, what.. This business lunch kind of reminded me of what the live Cool Winners show really did. What any of our old stuff did. It just built up and, you know. The more stuff that people can simply access daily, the more they'll want to see you on rarer occasions. Er, in this case, mostly. Obviously, at this point I'm not going to give away the specifics of what the meeting was about, but trust me. No, though, it made me realize some ideas about promotion and stuff like that. I guess the other meeting I sort of had kind of helped, too.

So, that's how it slowly developed. As I looked at my phone's messages to realize that I had almost had no conversations throughout one of these weeks, I knew I had to put my foot down. I started barking out ideas, to as many folks as would listen. Became a merry-having gone-round. As I discussed with Fide, we are building a network. Ah, see. You'll see. I'm kind of done for this moment in time. Attention span. Ah well.

Souls

Just any given demon woman putting you to sleep for about 13 hours.

That one dream I wrote about actually ended up happening. Well, it would have if I would have had a dvd player downstairs.. Until yesterday, I was stuck in June 21st: the day after my birthday.

For my birthday, I fell asleep at maybe 5 am, again. I was trying out a new medication, honestly. I did it wrong, so it was whatever. Woke up with a headache, but it was a decent headache. I walked out to see all that had been prepared for my celebration. Stuff set up, out back. I remember being on the lawn swing chair thing for a while. Then Grant came over and family came over.

Of course, I told them lies about work and college. I can't handle things. No one even knows that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Exactly. Contradiction. Crap, that reminds me.

There was a mid point. Then, it picked up as the family left and my guests arrived. Nerve-wracking. Er, thought so. You know what, though? It ended up beautifully. Literally, a beautiful day. The day people only give you when you're on your death bed. Oh well.

Justin even told me that the conversation we had when it was all over was just the happiest he's ever heard me. Heh. Still, I feel much like a failure in that area. It's ok. I just wanted to achieve some type of exit strategy for people like me. The failure of such a thing can literally only attribute to a life in the grind. Life in the grind. It's sacred.

Then, I lost track for a couple of days. Yeah, I celebrated Nick's birthday, but that was kind of what I had been doing the week before. When I tried to go back into the world that I was trying to kind of take hold of before, I literally set myself up for disappointment. So, last night I felt the exact opposite of how I did when my birthday was over.

I mean at least then, there was a chance of folks doing anything. Last night, it was just everything with every reason to be horrifying. Everyone is just so inaccessible. Anyone who can help just can not help. I literally have to hide from family, for a couple of reasons. I mean, I know who to trust with any situation, but they're scary monsters at this moment. Really, what I'm saying is that I had this devastating realization about females, again.

I really feel that they're monsters. I really feel that they're the ones who only want one thing. I heard my mom and her friend come in, and I heard them talk all night. They didn't know I was home, in my room, asleep that early. It was the most demonic thing I had ever heard. Complaining and coming up with people to blame problems on. There is no need a person will ever have to cause someone to talk about a thermostat the way my mom did last night. Our poor dog was right in the line of fire. His crying for her attention just says it all. Women are these things that are on some crazed mission. They're scouting out the world, for what they want. No one can enter this planet without something that a woman has done. I mean it. They birth men and more women, take care of animals, all so that we can beg for more. How can a thing be so evil by doing so many good things? It is corruption.

That was the thing. Notice I said I was asleep, well- in bed, early? All of this is the kind of thing that makes you lose faith in the entire universe-- or at least an entire universe of things. The only thing you can do is try to fall asleep. That's probably the only way to escape. Of course, since it comes to mind, death won't be a way to escape this type of universe. Death is actually a part of it. All that can be done is several, temporary escapes.

Well, who could this all be directed from? The source of this type of realization? Don't worry about it. Even me writing anything is actually just a dormant sacrificial animal that I give up in order to flag down some woman's appreciation. That's something I studied from them, firsthand. Any mention of long-term "sustaining from doing a certain thing" is actually just a dormant begging of doing so.

So, you can see I know that there's nothing I can do, so far. I'm not completely irate with anyone, and the only thing I can expand upon is myself and what I'm thinking. I just got the "tower" card. What Tupac said, too. I just have to keep an eye out for myself. These people might just be aiming to hurt, but hey why not?

Ok, eject please.

An Entire Year

It has been a year since we had performed on stage. Our own show. An amazing accomplishment, really. How ridiculous. Cool Winners and MC MassMurder. What a difference between then and now.

Agh, what a disappointment. We haven't made the same efforts to try to do it, again. Fide won't even be here to watch, or film, the next one. He can't stand around and solicit the dvd with the old "excuse me, sir. would you like to buy a dvd of tonight's performance?" That was one part of one of the plans.

Today, once again, I've gotten to that point where I realize that we have done nothing. I mean, last night, I finally got to hang out with Matthew. He always ends up being a rare find. He always ends up being that breath of fresh air. After talking, I remember, of course. We're all just... all of us. You can tell.

Well, what is keeping us from just being that thing? What is it that we're trying to be? I actually convinced myself that there's twelve others because of that movie. I should shake that one off, though. And why is it impossible to get each of us in the same room? We must be sort of cowardly, then. We do all of these things, and if not, then we still.. agh. Ok, fine, the one other thing is that same force that forces us not to even promote ourselves correctly. It must be that same force that causes me not to impress.

Whatever. I just wish that I could actually manifest what the heck I see things as. It's all just some fable. Feels kind of blind, though.

He

Liberation

Another dragging on, questions asking, 'you look tired' or "can't- work" type of day. I may just "blow my brains out". You may know what I mean, ha. Oh the liberation. Hah, who knew? No, I mean. To legitimately escape from everything, including blow-brains and runaway, and stay in the same place.

Ok wait. First thing. Tell myself. Messy desk or messy room thing. Maybe so. Yes so. I don't come off the right way, though. I need some calender dates. Not maybes.

Stay up late or wake up early? too late. Ok maybe a pause. Like I'd have that sleep choice though. Something is straining me, forcing me not to proceed. Gone.

Tore

Thus ends what may have been the last of the House-Buyers. Not really. House-buying is new. It's years in the making. I don't like my own personal labels. Except my own. Now let me get to my real mood.

Upset or disappointed or suspicious. Whichever, there'll be some kind of stupid realization at the end so I can just go "see, it's all on purpose." Right? I might as well say it now, to expedite variation. I can remember loads of words, see? So suddenly, it's after midnight. They take it all away from you. All of them are taking all of it from all of us. The house owners have got any potential buyers by the balls. I'd hate to revert back to rebellion, but is it not the case? Sentenced to hell under our own personal masters? Water coming in, to taunt me. Bloody tears, in some other country. Those who wrote the bible, practicing their satire. Some divine literary competition, while I face shopping cart poetry. Tortures of the damned, yes. It's a rite of passage to get exactly what you ask.. around. A pre-requisite of those who were tortured, in order to kick back and just say "ohhh" in pure pleasure. Bit by bit, in order to keep away the actual previous final destinations. From prison to slavery.

The letter. "i can not deel with this any more and unfortinitly i am going to run away" or I assume. Some childhood experience. Somebody else's family. Still, children have the right idea. Pack up one or two of their favorite toys, a package of candy, and the clothes on their back. That'd get them farther than they'd think- which isn't saying a lot because their expectations dive in about an hour.

Still. It may just be heat confusion. Won't stop the tragedy, though. I don't want to introduce myself if I have to include the sounds of "twenty-" or "thirty-" and so on. Only a little over a year to do so. Ok, fine. Maybe I just won't be able to do anything with the actors and folks over 80. I'll just have to keep finding newer interesting people to hope to one day meet. What, in the hell on earth, is the true Hard Work? Where exactly is that one point where I finally, by myself, just let loose and start something and get it done? I thought it was "put me in a room, give me something to do, and close the door." Am I still supposed to be practicing? How long to practice before one accidental good thing happens? How long will I have the same mood?

Sleep can be a reward or a waste of time. It depends on who's giving it to you. I'll bet, eventually, that'll be the same case with a lot of things.

Did you know you're not allowed to change your tragic flaw? You're supposed to take the fall for anyone who was born with that tragic flaw. See? If you're the one who is showing the other people who have the same destiny as you, then you have to show them how not to have the same destiny as you. At least you'll be a hero. A tragic hero, again.

I've become.

Allowed To

No, see, I woke up fine today. It was just waking up that was the problem. For the first few hours, folks noticed how unawake I must've been. Bags under my eyes until about 2 or 3? I woke up right at the edge of having to leave. Like I used to when I went to school. Except this is 11-12.

I got out of it, fine. Just noticing folks aware of the fact that I was already completely gone and I still had 8 hours ahead. I also tried to hide in my imagination today. Literally, for good reason. I was trying to get a head start on writing Dait-A-Base. Actual symptoms of worry. Disciplined against worry, so this is something else.

Going to sleep was weird last night, though. It was a mix of "oh crap, I should delete that before anyone else sees it" mixed with "oh my god no, that's complete impossible" kind of. I think today was one of those days where everyone feels the exact same as everyone else. I didn't understand why I was involved. Hate to admit how "zombie" appeared in multiple unlikely situations. Also a period of time, where I feel almost "nerdy" I guess, for the things I'm saying. I honestly can't help the fact that science fiction ideals of my life are constantly in my head. Except, what I'm thinking has to be legit. I just mean the whole coincidentals, and intangibility.

What I am thinking. Legitimacy, Illegitimacy, Exactly, Mutual Friends, Coincidences, dreams, Stability, Disgust, Time, and something more than Exactly. Whether or not I am legitimately thinking those things for my own reasons. Agh, how to fit in life after high school. That's what we're all thinking. This other group. Not house-buyers anymore. Actually exactly that. The house-buyers are separate. Driven by what has to drive them. The things you think when you're 17 vs. the things you think when you're 18. Both halves of both ages too. Right, my to-do list.
How do I get to just be me, Me I mean. Not "being myself :)" but, how do I do that thing? I have a lot of personal studies to accomplish, then. I'd need to do every tiny detail. In the right order. Either that or discover that expression of one's self is wrong. If it is wrong to keep track of every single detail, just to be entertained by the past. If it is wrong to shell out these things that are actually that much more entertaining and interesting than what has ever come out. I've already disciplined myself to the point of refraining from talking about anything that might accidentally impress anyone. I mean, avoided impressing anyone. At a point, I thought impressing was wrong. So, what do I know?

The goal of us House-Buyers may just be to become an Arranger. They're all stages. Not phases. When you're confused and you want to just "that's what I'll do, I'll save us all and I'll keep us in a big house so we can do what we want." A House-Buyer. But when you're stuck in all this gross House-Buying...if you find your way out of that being your concentration, you just need to Arrange something. Pull the strings. "I'm glad about arrangements." I'm not listing any hierarchy, but oh well, who is going to read this the same why I typed it? We find each other as House-Buyers. Whichever stage is before that. Hm, the cell that reproduces. Everyone has thought the way of the before-hand stage. Thought, only. I know I did that stage. I was it. Not a thought of social anxiety, which I had to learn along the way. Not a thought of "gotta work two jobs and go back to school." No influence. What alone will do for you.

I disagree again.

Newt Rick

Anyhow, despite impossibility, yeah I woke up fine this morning. I mean impossibility of it having been this morning, not the fact that it was unbelievable that I'd wake up fine. I just get cryptic when it comes to the edge of bragging about technology.

Still one of those fly-by grocery days where I spend the entire time in my own head, finishing old arguments or debating on how the hell to get out. As soon as I got back home, I showered and just took a walk. The old walk I used to take. That old cliche of going to one's quiet place. Might as well.

While gone, I guess it's confirmed that we may start working on Dait-A-Base. In all honesty, I just hope I get to direct it. I had to watch Ed Wood, yesterday, just for the scenes where he's finally making Plan 9. Just to hear the lines like "are you people insane?" (probably not exact) and Orson Welles' part. It's like, I've come here for this reason. I've got to take hold of something, somehow.

I've been too quiet. There's proof. I've been running this through my head: "throughout each day, I only say 5 things. That's if you count 'heh.'" Which isn't necessarily true, but I have had to pipe down for the most part. Not that I say a lot. Which is what I am trying to explain. If I had just talked all through high school, and if I just talk now, would more people know about the things that I want to do? I mean, no one has actually asked me about that side of myself, at work. Agh. The words. Even though I was asked about music preference and my comedy act. Fragment. Physical proof that I don't speak out is that my voice is actually terrible. It doesn't get much exercise either. It's supposed to be "I wonder what Pito sounds like when he sings," not "don't let Pito sing, have you heard his little comedy songs?" Still, no matter what anyone else says- nobody has heard me sing. My lung capacity. The fact that people even associate me with comedy. People misunderstanding all of that for me actually wanting to sing. Voice is on my "Work on:" list. So is Time Management. Which brings me to the other part of today...

Went through some old things I've written and, of course, drawings I've done. The relevance of those things rely on what it is that I actually want to work on next. With the whole Time Management thing, I need to agh. Not even the surface. Furniture, my old files, my new files, catalog, to-do list, resolutions, sleep, work, this Twill bs. Not even to mention that I finally got somewhere with any whit-worth of a social life. Actually sounds like a saying. Alright, let's see if I can prioritize on my way into sleep. This is the 23rd though. Well, now it's actually 24 but all pretend. Not obligated, just making sure.

Consumed.

Twenty Eight Too Late

Finished that library book that got wet yesterday. Strange bump on my arm that may have just been a bite. Always hard to digest when reading about bites and bumps on skin. Just found out what I look like. Monster-ish. Haircut, probably. I'll get straightened out. I guess it takes a while.

I mean, no matter how I fought it, I did eventually get some type of used to Windy Hill. So, it'll be over one month alone. Things aren't settling yet, though. Imagine the wake-up call today. "Your job has brainwashed you." Don't you think I know? It's my brain, of course I know when it's not doing what it should. This was earlier today when Grant and Fide clearly called me on speaker phone, while on the bus to some field trip. I won't find out until later, what the trip was. All of my answers to their questions were just that drastically normal "uh.. yeah?" and "...sure" that show not much of a character. They thought they saw a huge change in their friend. The least likely of anyone they knew to fall into some mind-numbed normality. Without a doubt, the least likely to.

In what became their little experiment, their antics were pure exploitation. Me- exploited. That's the only unlikely thing I cared for. Behold. The transformation into... "normal." Literally, literally, a reverse-freakshow. Still, little does anyone know, I actually am very basically immune to brainwash. That's all I can say about that, really. I should mention qualities of myself, when I'm trying to mention qualities of who they think I've become. Really, it's not that much of a mantle anymore. Once you've gotten past each conversation you have with yourself when you're of a certain issue. "Let Me Live My Life Man."

Common theme of today- just the ever-presence of the word "life." It's either all just life, or it's all just words. Not only one thing and that's it, but I mean the big IT is either all of it or it's just what people think it is- both in addition to what it turns out to be. All of the things it turns out to be. I think I might've thought, the other night, that "is" is probably all there is. Past, present, future types of folks. Not that whole thing. Actually.

"...tomorrow is taking too long, and yesterday is too far away. and the reality of what you believe in begins to bind."

The quote eventually leads back to the issue of trust. The first topic from the first moment of New Year's Eve. Who knew? If anyone wants to trust in me, I wouldn't disappoint.. eventually. No, get this- either it's the whole "nobody is spending that much time thinking about you." or there actually are those situations where generally anyone shows any type of interest in anything I do, and I kind of set them up for something good- but then I just disappoint. I just wonder if anyone else has this character trait about them.. Still, this year so far, one example of trusting in me happened and that's why I'm here. This house may just be a "promised" land. No, I'm not putting too much importance in myself, that's actually what happened. I was supposed to come back and fix things. Hah. Undo that little knot that the House-Buyers got themselves into. Really, I don't think anything can stop the House-Buyers from just feeling righteous about buying houses eventually. If I didn't know any better, it looks like the way to actually Buy-A-House is to start out with Renting-A-House. A little training wheels game.

This group of friends was just House-Buyers. Like the Hope Diamond. Each previous owner is cursed, and probably rightfully so because of what a diamond actually is. That's half what my mom said. She said the coincidence is just in their bad energies. I'd add on the idea that if I absolutely had to just own a diamond, I can literally just see a cartoon image of myself throwing it over my head and behind my back into the mud. The same as gold. What on earth is jewelry? Too easy. Still, how House-Buying is like the Hope Diamond: you'd better make sense of your goals quick. What could you be talking about? Again, for myself:

"You'd better make sense of your goals quick."

There. House-Buyers. A House-Buying situation. Over.

Shouldent

Did a lot more moving. Called in for my next work day. I have tomorrow off. Heh, four day weekend. I go in on tuesday. Actually might take tonight to watch interviews, again. This time, about music. I can say I hear a lot of myself in this new Julian Casablancas album, in a certain way. Either that, or I'm ripping him off in that cosmic girl song I had been making. Gah, it's been months. I haven't heard my own song in months. It's like a phantom limb. Like scratching yer nuns when you don't have arms anymore.

Also got a taste of my old appreciation for the animated arts. How it's not cartooning, not film, and not comedy- but it's all yet none. Story of my ligh. It's good that I'm packing on these plans now because I owe it to myself to act on these things once I get moved in. Hah, see, basically the music video for his song. Sorry, though. I hesitated long enough. Just, how to sync it all up when you see it. All those things that get their chance to get repeated.

Probably actually a good thing to go through phases of favorites and styles, though. Genre phases, and all that. Because it gives you a chance to validly build your pallet. Er, I mean. I'm literally using the turn of phrase "build your pallet" from the wine-tasting guy who was on Conan a long time ago. Conflicts, just voice kind of surprised that I'm using these words. Devil on my shoulder? Er, that is if the whole cynic thing is actually evil. Heh. "Why not try them all?"

Oh of course. What sets this day apart from today... well that whole thing I just explained, kinda. Also my time sitting in both rooms to see which one I actually want. Hah, literally the next time I read this I will have known which room I ended up picking. It's just these days of kind of drinking these Gatorades that are stacked up at the top of the stairs, here. Ways to remember a place I don't want to remember. Also, how do I tap into that part of me that kinda feels bad anytime something good happens? Something feels unsure about right now. I guess it's the end that'll count. I have to promise myself to maintain, you know? Who know? Wait. Hey what's up. I'd have to actually have that same amount of edgy determination that I had when I made sure we were able to move into the house. I ended up saying the right things. The right convincing words. Not manipulative, though. See? Doubt.

Kind of like that Larry 3000 example of time fraying apart. The cards said I had got control of conscious and unconscious thoughts. Either that, or I was going to. Minor? Subject to change, I'll bet. It's fine. Just a lot of dignity falls through broken promise. Ok, I'm having coming up with things to have said. So I'll keep it up. Gah that entertainment business is goofy. Nah, just break it up into its two components. Entertainment? Well, see for me that just what I'd like to see. Things I'd like to see. Like, when you wake up one day and kind of want to go jogging, but you also want to record a song for yourself to jog to. So you fart it out, and go jogging the best jog you've ever done. Ok, before the second component, I want to hear another example. Hm. Ha, ok, here's one. Ever feel like you've been deprived of a childhood? No. Well, let's say you were deprived, and you never got your saturday morning cartoons. Hah, I like how this one is going. Yeah, you can sit and just create a cast of goofy superheroes that teach you lessons you probably didn't even know you knew. Yeah, but the saturday morning television angle specifically- could also probably do some campy live action rescue ranger er hah hey why not Powered Range-men?

Yeah, I see what I mean. Still feel like something is missing.. Plus I could write stories based upon book titles that I've never read. Like, how they give off the impression of something far out. Basically judging books by their cover, yet being convince that your judgment is actually what is in the book. Ok, then the business part. Yeah, I've had this conversation before. I know. Oh yeah? Nice paychecks, then. Hey. Well, I guess I have some capital now.. Hopefully. Wait, but "entertainment" was given a different spin on what it means in the context of "entertainment business." Hm, well then. Four components. Each word in half. The word in its connotation with the two word phrase, and how it benefits yourself. Though, business begins to explain itself.

Alright, well I think I've had enough. Well, I haven't. So, pace.

Carnage

Mmm, some didn't feel like I got a good sleep because I think I was having dreams that I was working. Dreams about sleeping on the job and getting in trouble. Of course I was tired in the dream because in real life I was sleeping, so each time the dream-me tried to snap out of it, the real me would wake up. Another incredible example of the dreams that I used to have. Except they used to be about school... they were my version of the whole nightmare of showing up to school in underwear. Actually, I think I had something like those dreams, too. Luckily, today at work was nothing like that. I merked work today. Until the part where I had no idea where to put the samples tray. I might get a warning about that, later on. Although it might not matter because I'm off tomorrow... But yeah, I was awesome today. I answered customers' questions like it was just somethin to do. Badass. Speaking of which, I'm going to buy a wallet. Hah.

And where yesterday ties into today was the whole shyness thing. I was incredibly introverted yesterday. Even when the other 18 year old made an attempt to kinda meet me for the first time, I was just all in work-mode. Stumbling over words and just not able to consider the fact that other people are human beings. Kind of. I mean, before I went to bed last night yeah I did think of how- when I was in school, every adult was just an authority figure. Then, when I turned 18 all the teachers, to me just seem "yeah ok big whoop." Now it's the students I have to worry about talking to. They're all youngs, and I'd look like a "creep" if I talked to any of them. What I'm doing right now is admitting the problem. If I am not a cresp, then it shouldn't matter. My thought process, though, was that now that I'm 18, then everybody who is an adult is just basically a peer. I don't have to feel so pressured by them. Hm, haven't told myself that in a while. I'd just been kind of scared of new folks, all over again. Like I used to be.

Anyway, I'm going to the aquarium tomorrow of course. Better remind myself not to wear my belt. They have metal detectors. I hope I get to borrow a camera, to prove that I'm not so poor that I can't just go to the aquarium whenever I feel like it. Haha, nah. Ugh. Though. The point is that, we can also start moving this weekend. I'm amused at this still. I made this happen, kinda. Like things were set in place, and I just had to do my part. I guess that's how it works. Keep feeling like I'm forgetting things. Not like "feel like I'm forgetting something" but it's the way I felt in my dream last night. 'I could get in so much trouble if I get caught napping.' Gah, where the hell is Justin? What if I was just kind of meant to go to New York, all of this time? I never felt too particular about New York at all, but now that I think about how they are about calling browns "spanish" or "Puerto Ricans," the city might kind of mach my mindset. Agh, not based upon only that, but if that's just what brown folk are, then.. Heh. No way to explain it. I'll try it, one day.

is this it?

No Not Now

I actually have the right to say today was a bad day. I don't even remember the bulk of it, willingly. I went to... work... at 7:30 this morning. I was a little late or something but good God, what the hell? Where the hell did this come from? How the hell did I end up with a job? I was just sitting here, literally minding business of my own, and all at once I have an obligation to get up and go to work. Then, of course, the whole nation economy "should be glad to have job" thing. Well, in that case, it's the same situation as last year. I should be grateful about things? I'm incredibly grateful in my own way, but there are valid reasons not to be in the right light.

Ok fine, not allowed to complain or something. I did need someone to talk to, though. Too many things are caused by other folks' feelings, so even if I did get a response it's be like scattered because it's not exactly what was wanted to be said. Yeah, it would be. I would happen to hear exactly what I needed to hear. Or should I rely on that? I'm just not in the mood to work in a produce section in January 2010.. er February, mostly. So I went on my first ever lunch break of all time. Saw two people I knew. He was right. I was "trippin' " stumbling over everything I was doing, at that point because of my shock at the fact that here the hell I am.

That's about when I found out I wasn't even done. I did whatever else it was that I did, then I walked around aimlessly, putting off using the phone. I eventually called Nick because it's Friday, and I got him to get Alex to pick me up. I gave her the chocolate that my sister gave me, and we went to the high school. I went in by myself, and saw Fide in the hall. He was so clearly in a bad mood. He was in an 'everything pointless' somewhat mood. You can tell, at this point, that bad mood is in the air today. We went into Philosophy Club for a second, but he wasn't really up for it, so we just sat out and tried to find our own bit of meaning.

Then, the solitude broke, as the usual Friday happened. Alex was at the school, ready to pick us up to hang out with Igor. We got in the car, and she was crying again and that whole thing worked itself out. Then, I got anxious so I called my mom. I was going to call and mention that I was planning on going to Nico's but oh well, that's gone.

I actually dreaded coming back here, today. This morning was the absolute worst. "Make your bed" bull shit. Fuck that. And that's a valid point. I did not want to come back to this place of all places after a day of doing those things of all things. My time spent on this planet, or whatever. I'm worried. On the way here, I finally asked Tash why she had to go and set me up with this mess and I guess she did what she could to help. When we got here, I was not ready to back down after such a literally dreadful day. Ha, I dreaded each moment actually. I talked and I yelled and I complained, kicked and screamed basically, all the things you do when you feel trapped. A settlement was reached. After I noted the intricacies of these horrible personal living conditions, I gained an edge in the conversation. I listed all the minor details of being in this house, including: that disgusting feeling of the door knob to the pantry, the grime that I try to avoid getting under my fingernails when I open a cabinet, the limited showers, having to get offline at midnight, the internet cutting off when the phone rings.

I can't go into that right now. I'm not even sure I want to remember this. Imagine how disgusting hindsight of this place must be. Basically, any other ideas would be an escape plan. All I can think of would ultimately be described as the secret passage way. Not secret, though. Backdoor, again. If I become a full-time student (wait, what?) or get a better job offer, or if we just go ahead and move to the house in Alabama. All backdoor. The full-time student thing was just kind of pushed by the fact that I watched the writer-director commentary of a certain movie, last night. Made me realize that I don't necessarily have the means by which to do the whole 'pick up a camera and film' thing. I can try either way, but school would be the only way for me to try out the school concept.

I'll do some research. Right now, I'm just discontent.

Not A Trend.

Woke up and had to get ready to go to the airport, right away.
I ate cereal. The last from my own personal box. I dressed up in a light blue polo over a my "Jesus Loves You" white t-shirt. I put on khaki pants and my red hoodie. Felt like I looked good, or other way around.

We did our business at the airport, which was to ask 3 people 2 different things, each. Simple. Then, my mom and I went to get 2 free bagels with coupons. I felt embarrassed because I was using half a brain. I should have gotten a sweet flavor and an orange juice to have made it worth while and dignified. I got plain everything, untoasted. Like I said, half a brain.

Drove through Paces Ferry and all that, which I realize is more familiar than I thought, and I stayed in the car while she shopped. That was all for that. I spent today reading about exploitation films. I tried to watch them, but I felt like I was wasting time. One of those dressed up days. It was sunny, too. Yikes. Now, that I look back, something about today better pay off.

I feel lively, but ashamed. I got a few good ideas, out of it though. Except they're the kind destined to be lost in time. Literally. I took time to try to knock something of my to-do list, which was "look through Fondue Social for offensive material." Easy, but at this point it seemed in vain because there has got to be a more convenient way. I've thought of releasing it in separate parts on plain paper, redoing each thing in there as a comic strip, and making it into an e-book. It's one of those situations where it looks less glorious the more I have to look at it. I don't appreciate it as much. I need an assistant. Not really, but some sort of adviser.

No obvious solution for the major problem. A secret solution for the recurring problem.

Let's Watch.

Alignment

Ok cool. Went to the mall for chocolate today. Gah. Seriously. At least I can check 'get calender' off of my "Righ Quick" list of things to do. I'm usually never here on Fridays. I guess it's my choice right now, but a little uneasy.

Ouch. Woke up to a good feeling, though. People telling me to go for it. In response to my quoting that "film maker who doesn't have a film" thing. I will. I'm still anxious about that house, though. No one knows, basically. I have a soul.

Looks like I'm not the only one who stayed in, today. So, I'm good. Embarrassed to hell and back, honestly. In that case, I need to start on phase one.

Garbage.

Hint

I am just now realizing that today was supposed to be a bad day. Oops. Well, it started off pretty action-packed though. Yeah I see it, know. Ha, the prototypical 'bad' things happened today, and I just kind of ignored them. Not really 'bad' things, but tiny yet negative enough to just accept its existence without it hitting any soft spots things. My throat feels constrictive right now. I'm supposed to eat bad tomorrow, though. Not my fault.

I guess today didn't have the same thing as yesterday. It's wednesday, too. Wait. Ha, it's wednesday. One of those weeks where a certain person starts appearing all over again. Plus since today was planned to be a 'bad' day, then some things might have been domino-effected into the weekend. I'm prepared, though. I'm just ready to get the hell out. So, if I'm doing this daily routine I need to keep my parascope goin' or sendzone.

Kind of the edge of a cliff type of thing. Oh yeah, I was supposed to look up some things. Maybe that will be my productivity for today. Gah I sound like a class of 2011er. Even if the specifics are renegade.

Paces Ferry.

Is My Zone Tapped?

Grain. So I'm still here, actually. Stuck in this glitch, as if I accidentally walked into shore. And I actually just now went to experience that for myself. I don't know what I saw. And I love not being able to type at all.

Ok, recupe. I'm not able to move out, for some reason. Not able to do anything, and it's hideous. No one has good advice, though. Delusional because I can't remember anything.

So I guess it just makes it better that we're remaking last year. Last year was good, this year was bad. So, I mean. Waiting it out. But I like this time of year, so it's all escape fate. Unless it's role reversal. Whereas, the end of last year kept getting bad, and this year was actually bad, maybe it will get good. But then people's opinions of a good year. Loads of deaths, though.

Ok, well I don't think anyone can get it through their heads that I am in this bind. No one out there is able to see me here, and anyone here thinks this is paradise.

Just like what made me like this in the first place. When I lived in Griffin, the chapter of my life no one knows about. I refuse to relive it, and I am not going to be in a place where I can't wander around aimlessly after midnight. And I will not listen to reruns any more. Ok I am about to stab ijnfc ook ok ok stopo,