Well, nowhere to start because let's just say I'm prototypically "freaked out".
It's been 6 hours since my most recent huge car crash. Something about this kind of just proves that eh "my mind is not turned on, right now" or something to illustrate that sensation. Fuck, I was in a car crash. Cars crashed, tonight. This was probably one in at least a hundred other car crashes tonight because it was raining. That's what I did today, though. I watched the weather reports and considered complaining about nothing. I guess the bottom line is that I'm vexed because I am at home writing this in the same night. You should have seen it.
I remember not being scared and being disappointed that I wasn't scared. I remember thinking about how it had to be a joke, or thinking something was going to get me out of this. I'll admit that it was like a movie, except it was just any old movie that I probably saw when I was like 4. I also remember thinking about, while I was thinking it was like a movie, all of the people who said that their crashes were like movies. Right now, though, I'm thinking that I didn't actually think about any of those things and that I'm convincing myself that those are true.
Either as a human, or as a citizen, or a kid, I spent the rest of the night trying to freak out. I was trying to become all emotionally compromised and shocked. I know how they say you don't feel pain until you've calmed down but all I got is a slightly smashed thumb and a bump in my knee. My stomach hurts, but whose wouldn't?
Well, if you must know, the most recognizable thing I feel is uh, let's call it "loneliness". Before any conclusions- who the hell feels that after a crash, right? I mean I still haven't told my mom yet and I'm also thinking- "oh crap, who would I call if I was in an even worse situation than what I'm in right now?". But overall, I feel nothing. I even tried joking, throughout. The only, only thing that got to me was the text message: "Tell him that I love him." That's touching as hell. That can seem like so many things to so many people, but so does everything else. I don't know what it is, but it's cool. See it how you want. It was just a message sent after a blink-of-an-eye moment of blood and metal and nervousness.
One side of me keeps on rooting for "you coulda died tonight!" which is actually, when it comes down to it, ignorant to disagree with. Another side of me is just contemplating not going to school tomorrow because of this, and instead just going on a shopping spree. But I was told to keep going there tonight, too. I was told in the way that, if I kept going to school that I wouldn't have to end up in more car crashed. But. I guess I have the rest of the semester to disagree. Right now, I wish my mind was set on finding some dopey profound meaning to the incident. If it was worse, that would be easy. If it was the worst then then it'd go back to impossible because folks are quick to ignore death and stuff. So it's at that level. Well, except in the case that those people that we hit tonight worked hard as hell to have those cars or something.
Oh yeah, I only explained the mental stuff and nothing about the moment of impact and all that crap. That'll be explained at some fancy dinner, though.
Well, at least one of us is fired from a job.
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