Souls

Just any given demon woman putting you to sleep for about 13 hours.

That one dream I wrote about actually ended up happening. Well, it would have if I would have had a dvd player downstairs.. Until yesterday, I was stuck in June 21st: the day after my birthday.

For my birthday, I fell asleep at maybe 5 am, again. I was trying out a new medication, honestly. I did it wrong, so it was whatever. Woke up with a headache, but it was a decent headache. I walked out to see all that had been prepared for my celebration. Stuff set up, out back. I remember being on the lawn swing chair thing for a while. Then Grant came over and family came over.

Of course, I told them lies about work and college. I can't handle things. No one even knows that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Exactly. Contradiction. Crap, that reminds me.

There was a mid point. Then, it picked up as the family left and my guests arrived. Nerve-wracking. Er, thought so. You know what, though? It ended up beautifully. Literally, a beautiful day. The day people only give you when you're on your death bed. Oh well.

Justin even told me that the conversation we had when it was all over was just the happiest he's ever heard me. Heh. Still, I feel much like a failure in that area. It's ok. I just wanted to achieve some type of exit strategy for people like me. The failure of such a thing can literally only attribute to a life in the grind. Life in the grind. It's sacred.

Then, I lost track for a couple of days. Yeah, I celebrated Nick's birthday, but that was kind of what I had been doing the week before. When I tried to go back into the world that I was trying to kind of take hold of before, I literally set myself up for disappointment. So, last night I felt the exact opposite of how I did when my birthday was over.

I mean at least then, there was a chance of folks doing anything. Last night, it was just everything with every reason to be horrifying. Everyone is just so inaccessible. Anyone who can help just can not help. I literally have to hide from family, for a couple of reasons. I mean, I know who to trust with any situation, but they're scary monsters at this moment. Really, what I'm saying is that I had this devastating realization about females, again.

I really feel that they're monsters. I really feel that they're the ones who only want one thing. I heard my mom and her friend come in, and I heard them talk all night. They didn't know I was home, in my room, asleep that early. It was the most demonic thing I had ever heard. Complaining and coming up with people to blame problems on. There is no need a person will ever have to cause someone to talk about a thermostat the way my mom did last night. Our poor dog was right in the line of fire. His crying for her attention just says it all. Women are these things that are on some crazed mission. They're scouting out the world, for what they want. No one can enter this planet without something that a woman has done. I mean it. They birth men and more women, take care of animals, all so that we can beg for more. How can a thing be so evil by doing so many good things? It is corruption.

That was the thing. Notice I said I was asleep, well- in bed, early? All of this is the kind of thing that makes you lose faith in the entire universe-- or at least an entire universe of things. The only thing you can do is try to fall asleep. That's probably the only way to escape. Of course, since it comes to mind, death won't be a way to escape this type of universe. Death is actually a part of it. All that can be done is several, temporary escapes.

Well, who could this all be directed from? The source of this type of realization? Don't worry about it. Even me writing anything is actually just a dormant sacrificial animal that I give up in order to flag down some woman's appreciation. That's something I studied from them, firsthand. Any mention of long-term "sustaining from doing a certain thing" is actually just a dormant begging of doing so.

So, you can see I know that there's nothing I can do, so far. I'm not completely irate with anyone, and the only thing I can expand upon is myself and what I'm thinking. I just got the "tower" card. What Tupac said, too. I just have to keep an eye out for myself. These people might just be aiming to hurt, but hey why not?

Ok, eject please.

I wonder if this day has happened, yet

Kind Of Finally

I probably sent myself to the wrong place. I am sort of panicky because eh.

As long as I get the things I need to do done?

Literally just number one.

Meanwhile

Trying to get that whole thing going... Er

Checklist of things I told myself I wouldn't do. I bet someone "likes this." This is real, though. "Sounds redundant and tempting." Right. Mostly over with, though. It'd have to be a small list, some times. I'm probably one of those times. Wait, but this is "told myself" so that limits it even further. You can't hold yourself accountable for not doing things you would not do even if you were able to know that you could make a conscious decision about whether or not to have done it.

Just got the idea: "there will be a time where I will only know then what I know now."

This ought to be a note to myself. These are things I had been meaning to talk to myself about. "hahahaha" Not really, though. I want to go to the movies. I want to regret it, though. There are things I'd like to say, but it just won't work because it's an open net of different optic fibrous possibilities in which to catch any possible, excitable concept I'd think to say. That's what.

Also: "one moment of reality, ruining months of imagination."

Meaningless, unhonestly, but something familiar. We know what we mean. You know it. I'd hate to take that "trip" though.

I guess it applies to any of the common theme of the year, thus far. "Thus" on purpose. He only wants anything to do with us because he thought we filmed a lot. She only likes anything about us because she thought we did drugs. He only seems interested because he thought we all drew. They all must assume we're up to no good. I'm just perplexed by any indication of a double chin.

Alright, a phone call to make. It was good, though. Months concluding because of a payment plan. Closest ever, to a stream of consciousness. Being quoted, mostly.

Oh yeah, quitting. Having to come up with cover stories, just in case. Well, one things is for sure. The whole publishing right thing. Italians.

Give.

Here.

An Entire Year

It has been a year since we had performed on stage. Our own show. An amazing accomplishment, really. How ridiculous. Cool Winners and MC MassMurder. What a difference between then and now.

Agh, what a disappointment. We haven't made the same efforts to try to do it, again. Fide won't even be here to watch, or film, the next one. He can't stand around and solicit the dvd with the old "excuse me, sir. would you like to buy a dvd of tonight's performance?" That was one part of one of the plans.

Today, once again, I've gotten to that point where I realize that we have done nothing. I mean, last night, I finally got to hang out with Matthew. He always ends up being a rare find. He always ends up being that breath of fresh air. After talking, I remember, of course. We're all just... all of us. You can tell.

Well, what is keeping us from just being that thing? What is it that we're trying to be? I actually convinced myself that there's twelve others because of that movie. I should shake that one off, though. And why is it impossible to get each of us in the same room? We must be sort of cowardly, then. We do all of these things, and if not, then we still.. agh. Ok, fine, the one other thing is that same force that forces us not to even promote ourselves correctly. It must be that same force that causes me not to impress.

Whatever. I just wish that I could actually manifest what the heck I see things as. It's all just some fable. Feels kind of blind, though.

He

Isn't It

No because something is strangling me, I assume. Swollen things.. tonsils and those other things, I think. Terror again. Yeah, it's official, though. Been in bed for 4 days, and I have a potential one day left.

Routine type of thing. Wake up, congested far beyond the stars' comprehension, work on that for a while. Over the counter. sleep for a little bit more. Congest, again. Over the counter and prescription. Sit up. Blah. Then, it repeats, ending in a PM pain reliever. The fact that this is all 100% kosher, no matter what. I'm not ok with it, but it's fine by me.

I don't think I can speak though. Ha, careful what you "wish wish wish" froar.

Haunt Brigade.

Tonsillitis

Fevers

What a terrible headache, on top. I woke up, covered in sweat. This fever is awful. In bed for two days. This doesn't happen to me. I like how it reminds me of when it did happen to me, when I was little. Horrible.

It's June 1st. That freaks me out, somewhat. My birthday is coming up, soon. I have never been this passive about my birthday. Apparently, Tash put in my 2 weeks. She got me in this situation, without my knowing, and she's getting me out the same way, I suppose. Still, I guess it's better to have an impulsive decision be made for you... than to.. spend two sick days... not making a decision? The door.

Alright, quickly quickly. All the things in the past couple of weeks that could have made me sick...again. Bee sting? Well, I mean, that slight fever I had before the sting kind of proves that wrong. I kind of just want to impress folks with all of these tiny ailments I've been getting... Eh.

Probably confusion. These topics. I actually can't sit or lay in one place, though. Even if the grammar. Oh yeah.. Renaissance Festival, hah. Past, though.

How long has it been, kind of? When, too? Delusion, for a moment. Oh yeah, wasting free time, again. Should read some quotes. Nah. Tired of quotes. I need to step, outside, though. Plus, there's that pending lawsuit.

Cycle