Awe

Threshold of New Years Eve.
hm. So this is how I end up reminiscing. Wow. How to set it up. Well, as it has been, my mom is in Germany until January 6th. She's been gone since the 14th and since then I've occupied myself. It's impossible to know how I've kept myself occupied but I guess I did. The very first couple of days, I went straight downstairs and started sorting out a bunch of papers of mine. There are still stacks lying around the basement. I had also been playing Paper Mario. I actually also just finished playing it some more, but only after forcing myself to. I'm not sure why there'd be any difference in my doing these things since I could have done these things while my mom was home, but either way- those are the things I did for the first few days. I barely remember any other days, other than Tash coming over to take me shopping.

I celebrated Christmas with my dad. It snowed. I was able to see our old family friends, after about 10 years. I mean, I like that type of thing because it's one of those 'reality' situations. Er, a good 'storyline' or 'continuity' situation. Like, it was like I actually saw the ghost of Christmas past because I think we always used to visit this family for Christmas. Wild.

In that same respect, all at the same time, I think I was also visited by the ghosts of Christmas present and future. And it doesn't even mean I'm a Scrooge. Sometimes these ghosts just visit. I have become aware of my friends: past, present, and future friends. All at once. People I don't see as often, people I consistently see, and people I know I'm actually going to meet soon. Trust me.

On that note, let me explain. The whole comedy thing, like I said, is showing itself in a less modest way. Pseudo-famous people just like me are popping out of the most ridiculous places. (These are the people that I am going to meet). I'm finding it easier to get in contact with people I didn't imagine I'd ever meet. (I wanted to, and knew it was possible, but I didn't imagine it.) Like, I'm not talking to any of them or anything because I know I have to present myself and blah. I don't know what this sounds like but it feels normal. All I realize is that if I consistently keep my head in my work, then things will come. And so far, it has. In ways.

Last night (technically the night before) I had burned a practice dvd. If I can get someone to watch it and confirm that's it good enough to pass out as a demo disc, then that'd be nice. Oh, right. Actual news. Well, we may be getting another live show to be performed at the Wonder Root. I agreed to a date, but I'm not sure what's next. I guess I'll wait for them to put it on the schedule on their website, or something. So that's fine. If we build momentum with that, and the Brain Camp show (and hopefully more to follow), then we'll at least be somewhere in the quantity aspect. Then, after a certain point I have some plans. If we're at all well known then I'll pull for some fund-raising, but if luck shines upon us, then a road trip is in store. (yep. a note to self).

To conclude, of course, I want to just see how much stuff I can jot about the year 2010. I'd like to say that it was a year, for me, wealthy in literature, chemicals, and women. Very vague things, actually. Well, literature is sort of obvious. Anyone reading this knows that. I've been writing this type of crap all year long... but earlier this year, I did find myself reading more often than I had ever read in my life. Really.
As for chemicals, well, this one is a hehe 'self-fulfilling'.. thing. I'm guessing it has to do with some mental stuff or noting of other people's mental stuff, but I'm not sure if I could be fully honest about here. It could also be other people's usage of foreign materials and all that garbage. Who knows. The year is ending- I'm not in the same mindset as the one I was in when I agreed this year dealt heavily with chemicals (which was at least a month and a half ago).
And women. I just now decided on that one. They've been pretty prominent, and I guess this is my way of paying homage to the strong women of the year 2010. Then again, it's also kind of stupid (don't jump to conclusions!!) in the way that, "in that case, every year is somewhat about women". Well yeah. Really, I'm just being passively admiration-al. I like what some people did this year. One side of me wants to get this part of what I'm saying over with, while the other is nodding and squinting his eyes in approval. Fine.

So did I get everything done this year? Hell yes. I won this year, even if I got past with a B-. I mean, with the main accomplishment being "move" in the first half, things kind of worked themselves out. Even if I didn't notice. So far, it doesn't look like it's ending the way I imagined... but I guess it's a step-by-step process. Baby steps. And then step-steps because we ain't got all day. So I guess, I'll kind of take my leave in regards of "capturing everyday to prove that it happened," and just let it happen. No sense in forcing happenings to happen. They just happen. They're the only things that just happen, in essence.

It was a lot of fun. "Would you do it again?" Yeaaah! :)

Soon

Control

Ahh what a great night, last night. Well, that's over. Today I've just been old hermit. No, I can't tell if I'm just getting almost too particular recently. I think I might becoming choosy or whatever the better word is. Like, I actually think I got aggravated with the thought of people doing things in my room in the way that I don't usually do them. I'm getting afraid that I'm beginning to want things to go my way. I'm almost sure that what I am actually doing has nothing to do with what I'm thinking. There's no way of telling for sure, I mean. I just can't tell because it's like I'm very sure that when I am doing things, that I am doing them for my only right reason. But then the situation just turns into smleh.

Well, all last week I was doing great. I was on a roll, I was writing all types of material and that type of stuff that I do that cannot possibly be criticized or considered futile (because I am also imagining the response to my admitting to writing interesting stuff being looked at as a 'lame hobby'). And see that's just it. I wasn't thinking about this type of crap. I wasn't thinking about the negative things that exist in other universes. I wasn't thinking about universes either, for that matter. I had a clear head for the week. It was like I was headed toward a certain zone, where no one could mention drugs, paranoia, or depression (none of which pertain to me, but bother me when I realize friends are going through this type of junk). I was feeling.. heh.. I was feeling ok (can't stand the phrase "feeling good" for some reason. I claim that I don't believe that a person can do that in the sense that no one has the right to judge what "good" feels like.) and I was calm, in anticipation. Maybe I was waiting for last night. Now, I'm just letting things bother me. People talking loud. i can't tell if that's something that... heh. I don't get bothered, of course not.

Ahr. What I was saying.. Last week, I was doing good. Trying to think of specifics besides the fact that there was a point where I realized the actor Jason Segel seemed cool. I guess the 'accomplished' feeling came from the fact that all of the notebooks I write all this crap in are pretty full. Now before you have already read the words "notebooks" and "write" and already gotten halfway through this sentence, realize that these 'notebooks' are really just.. ah.. you'd really have to see them, but the main point is that they barely have anything to do with writing. So do not even associate it or me with writing. I will not disgrace these things buy calling them "idea books," either. And that's my problem, this week. Or just today, actually. I fear that I actually might just be being a control freak. See, now I'm feeling like I remember myself saying this about myself once before. Actually, hah, I might have been talking about someone else. Still, I'm trying to keep level. I guess it's the fact that because last week, absolutely everything was in my hands, and now that this is the period in which I share my ideas, I am not willing to hear anyone else's. Which is false because I am amazingly open to ideas involving the comedy team. Yep the comedy team. That's what I've been so proud of. Especially last week. That is where my mind was last week. The comedy team. Fail-safe. And now that the day I was waiting for is over, I guess I've been back to whatever. Universe A. My home world. Not the real world, just the place where I grew up. Hm. Maybe that means I need to take each Universe A time to grow up. Or maybe I distribute my grow-ups equally into each universe. So stupid, the word, but in one of these worlds I've come to believe that not a soul should be ashamed of words. And in another, I think the opposite: the whole thing about certain people ruining certain things. In some places, at some moments, no one can ruin a thing.

Back in "Real" World, there's the sound of the lyrics "I told you- no I'll never let you drag me down to hell " which fits. I only call that one "Real" just because that's the crappy one where.. ahem.. sex, drama, and drugs exist. Again, not for me- literally, honestly, and the absolute truth. Those things can get real. But they're all complete bs to me. Cool because there's no way to detach yourself from it without looking like you're-- Hell.

Still, the fact that I've clearly gotten back into talking about this stuff, and the fact that I haven't gotten over the terminology factor just kind of bothers me. That's why I was trying to ignore certain friends of mine. It would do me good, and it has nothing to do with them--oh oh-- just the fact that what they're saying is just going to make me fixate on some other realities. You know. "Drag me down to hell". And that may be the cause of the control-freak thing, as well. I'm temporarily banishing certain folks just because they're not in the same mood as I am (mostly because they haven't heard the same news that I have). They're not thinking about the same things, and that- THAT has to be the problem with long-distance relationships of any sort. They see ABSOLUTELY different things. Absolutely no way to communicate. The details have to gather. Things become less effective from farther away. "You'd just have to be there".

So, what's the deal? Is there anything upsetting me? Well, one thing I do want to get over. That awkward meeting, yesterday. Ah. And that other awkward thing. And the thing I didn't do. And the thing from 2 years ago that I reminded myself of, an hour ago. Redemption? Hah, listen, I'm actually convincing myself that you can get over any awkward situation by turning into a big.. show. Well, hell, that ol' "success is the best revenge". Hah, now that quote is going to make me think of when I told that to Fide and he just focused on the 'revenge' part. But the point, moreover, is redemption.

Ok. I hope this flows well. Actually. Ok, I'm about to just type what I'm thinking in order to help myself out so hold up. Now, if I completely cut myself off from the whole: "imaginary people," "not exist," "universes," "I act different to certain people," "I can't remember my relationship with certain people," "man, I messed up," "anger," "disappointment," and "back-up plans"... does that mean I'm also cutting myself off from actual.. er.. "inspiration" for the things.. God.. that I do? Not to mention "what is it that we do?". That didn't help at all. Wait a minute. This has absolutely nothing to do with last night. As in- this is not even the same.. ah hell, here we go.

One of the things that got me earlier. Two things, actually. Hah. Hah. There is always absolute Hell in trying to defend Kanye West. There. Simple. Let's say defending Kanye West has absolutely nothing to do with the man himself. He's only famous for the fact that he symbolizes the exact situation that I am actually trying to defend. Kind of like Obama (because I thought of Chicago). I mean, that's what "idols" are (and I mean "idols" as famous people in general) there for. They represent an intricate ideal. That's why no one is "the one famous person". You become a fan of one particular thing because that represents that situation. I actually don't care if I'm saying anything new- remember that. But I'm just saying- to defend Kanye is to defend that one ideal of "what I am doing/saying is being translated horribly wrong". Like, jumping the gun. Like, trying to lift something heavy when you haven't even considered building muscles. As in- not ready YET. As in- maybe I need to grow up- once again. Or. Maybe I'm just not wrong.

Other thing was remembering something that could have been considered insanely passive-aggressive over the summer. I mean, how often do people around here blatantly use the words "main character" in reference to real life? Ok, first things first. I'm not saying I'll ever do so, but for someone to call themselves a main character is actually justifiable. I think I'm treading over old grounds (hah) so, I won't even justify that statement- which doesn't need to be justified because it is actually a kind-hearted thing, really. It's one of those things, you know? "Importance of self" (in social situations) is just a matter of moderation. I'm fine. No new lessons. Really just an argument of how "cool" it is to hate yourself vs. how "cool" it is to hate other people. Then there is just the absolutely honest and pure reality of "I have never heard any of those words". So, I'm fine. I just want to talk about that last part with someone before I finally decide what I mean.

Those two things kind of topped off this mood of today. Finding out that no matter what, I'm still going to look like I'm saying/doing mean, untrustable things? Even if the thing I was attempting is fool-proof? Maybe it's because i forget how I look when I'm doing it. I'm just fat :(

Yo.

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Update

Yeah. Today, which is (can't stress this enough) completely not like me, I've gotten a ergh "short temper". I didn't even mention that I was getting ugh "frustrated" with the fam today. Shame that I put a negative outlook about them before I even said anything positive about how I feel about them. You know- because I don't even talk about "fam". Whoa. My God. I just said "feel"("yeah but didn't he talk about 'feeling ok' earlier?"). Ha. Hah. Actually, that just explains this entire thing. It has to just be today. So in that big old open world, I am just a nice, creative (y'all can't stress that enough) young man. Fat too! :P And once every almost-never, I can just be "man he mean"- and that'll be by complete accident. I'm a man of ideas. That's who.
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and then. whoa forgot. oh yeah. how you're not allowed to bring up anything. you're only allowed to be reviewed. I'm being cruel, I think this is making it worse. As long as no one blatantly copies what I'm saying here. I've been sucked in. 1. I wanted to ignore the 'writing' side of things (this) 2. Forcing myself to ignore is just the same as ignoring anything that isn't an internal conflict.
Bottom line- last night was fun. My friends and I went to a show. I got a free dvd.

Dice

Ok, good. Good, right? Well yeah besides the poverty, pain, and sickness! Aha See, that's always the case. Because "evil" is always imaginary. Yeah, I've been moving on to saying "aha" lately. Take on me. But I've been either busy or more optimistic lately or something, I don't know.
Writing about it is probably what'll ruin it. No, but stuff has been collecting. I mean, yeah there are some prototypical "bad" things looming around but hell. The will always negates defeat.

Yeah I'm sick, but it's fine, really. We just got word that our "brain camp" thing will be taking place on January 29th! That means that I'll be, at the very least, marketing. It'll be good, and hopefully Cool Winners can perform. Going to have to remind myself... nah.. I was thinking I'd need that audio cable to connect a laptop to the speakers but nah.

College.

I guess I also edited 3 videos today but that's just what somebody who is talking about themselves would say. It won't really matter. So, you know. Ha. Hah. I'm getting visions of my future, finally. I'd better harness that crap while the getting is still good. I'll let you know. Other than that... well, I still feel busy. Just wrote a Christmas special. Terrible.

I'll holla (th

Trouble

Well, I don't know. I'm getting a sense of "offended". I am somewhere in this thing about.. I don't know. You know how I am. I end up talking about junk like "universes" and stuff. Of course the only remedy is to be in what you call the "real world" and just get into some trouble. Apparently, these are called "reality checks". They're actually pretty stupid, but I'll bite. Last night, yeah, I was in the "real" world, just kind of being forced into a bad situation that I somehow apparently got myself into. Stupid. Any serious situation is actually just stupid, at this point. What is this.. "desensitized"? Well, like I had kind of tried to say before... there's got to be a difference between desensitized and just thinking a lot more than feeling in certain situations.

Ok, I won't really ever claim to be "wrong," but just imagine having an internal conflict where the only goal is to prove that whatever I did was right. This situation kind of applies to a lot, I guess. Kind of seems to be my ultimate lesson this year. Goes something like.. Trying to make things right before "it's too late" can probably only make things get worse.. or at least more "wrong". I, in respect for myself, just can't necessarily allow someone to tell me I'm wrong. It's just.. not the right type of thing to be told. Then, it feels like I'm doing a whole lot of good things in order to sort of "save up" for one 'bad' thing. There's no telling. There's no right opinion.

Eh. I know I'm just listing a bunch of iceberg tips worth of topics, but it's all I can do. I have this notebook, that I call my Sort this $#!* out book. You know. Ugh. I know. I just feel as though, reality or not, I need to sort out my "universes". I know that me even talking about stuff like that is only a phase, but maybe it's what I need to do right now. I guess this counts as my "trial and error" type of thing. Where I actually do try things, and find out how it doesn't work. Actually, one thing about last night... What about situations where I actually don't think before I speak. Ha because that was my only fault. Saying something. Admitting, basically. Still, it's like a rare thing. I'm not one to say things that end up making things wrong. That's whats odd. One of those things that really make you into a kook. Convincing yourself that deus ex machina is goin' on.. except opposite. Eh. Well, I mean. At this point, the one thing I'd like to make right is that I am not, nor will I ever be, considered a "bad friend" or "not a friend". No.

Ok, whatever. I don't deserve to be embarrassed, therefore, I won't be. I'm fine, I'm good.

Hello

Options

Well, I've gotn't anything fresh.
Talked today. They were cool. It's good because it's topple. I know.
Really, though.
I can't really explain much because what happened today will just end up being represented in two months. And that's the truth.

A bad decision to start typing, just now. I'm tired, and "options" is canned.
It was a business day.
It wasn't business in the days prior, though. Days before were not leisure, they were real world leisure. Grind? I just heard it.

Yeah, well. Still too many opinions. When 3 different cases of people come to talk about "statuses". Three different universesAnd-in-the-same-breath yes I mean what I say. Eh. But that's all I'm saying.

Fall aslee-

Farthest

Well, isn't it? The farthest I've gotten? I wouldn't think so but it actually may as well just be that. The farthest anyone or anything has gotten. Eh, now is not the time. Good luck, though.


It brings up a good point. A charity organization that updates its followers with inspiring quotes. But how often is too often when it comes to reading quotes? How far do people actually want to read? What if it was a celebrity updating what is going on in his or her life with quotes that got them to where they are now? Would fans be annoyed or inspired? These words (of wisdom or even phrases that result in "heh") are literally what go on in this person's head, but I am imagining that somehow these words can go unheeded. Ah first, though, if you literally don't see it then that's a different story. I am talking about pure annoyance with someone that you are a fan of. What the hell could it possibly mean to be a fan of someone? How far do you reasearch into someone's life without either: falling in or out of love, or using this knowledge to enhance your own? Then again the latter type of person couldn't even be considered a fan as much as a soon-to-be colleague. Whoa. Look, really I am specifically recording my thoughts immediately after seeing the page for To Write Love on Her Arms. Then, I thought of how what they post differs from what one average citizen might post. It's kind of merging with my thoughts of friends getting offended that I might be able to quote certain things as they come up. Eh, that's something else. Not far off, seeing as it deals with annoyance. I believe you always happen to read quotes at the perfect moments. Whatever that means. Here, the point is that you should kind of follow what would even provoke one person to quote another and at what moments. "Should." But not necessary. No should is really too necessary.

Companionship. You can't really be with someone that you don't really connect with, or someone that you can't easily talk endlessly to. Any relationship, basically. I'm not saying these opinions are mine. I'm thinking, one can have a dog as a companion and of course feel unfulfilled in the conversation aspect. But what about forgetting the qualities you're looking for? What if you begin to talk to a dog or anything else so much that you've just become busy? What if you let the human-thing set it, and you create your own motivation to keep on talking or keep on sitting-next-to. Maybe even the life-partner sense can work out. How have people been ignoring that their spouse "doesn't get it"? Maybe someone who "get's it" can only be with someone who "doesn't get it". The people closest to them will get it. That can be fine enough.

Well, I wonder if this worked at all. Those are my points. Just to keep me going, for like a split second, you know. Other than that... Heh well, just got word that I might be doing.... something.... in January. I hesitate to explain that I'm not giving exact detail yet.

I'm in the school registration process. Oh yeah of course. You know by know, right. Ugh. You. Still, if I can keep my head out of the mucky idea of what college used to be and what college actually is, then I'll be good. What college actually is versus what I'm actually doing are really perpendicular. Not necessarily clashing though. Fine. Skew. Hah irony. I've been talking about how horrifying Geometry was to me, and now look. Eh. Very small irony, yet big also since I used geometry humor. Wait, but that wasn't a joke. Ok stop. Like I said. If an academic career can be foiled simply by a chance disappearance of a classroom's folder, then I'm forced into skepticism.
What?

Last week is over. Haha. Good. It was very tyrannical. I didn't even know it. I cured. It must have been a good weekend. I still have a big off egg white crust on my sleeve. Possibly still a little bit of dog poit on the bottom of my shoe, as well. You can tell Matthew is going to be in the picture more often, soon.

This just in.. My mom just brought in an envelope, asking "Could this be for you and Tash?" The envelope was addressed to: Big Bro and Sister. There's no return address. I, eating leftovers, just said something about the possibility of anthrax. I'm not even sure what the state of the anthrax scare is, anymore. The post mark says it's from Michigan. I just finished eating, so I am more willing to try to open it. Gah. I hope it's a letter from the future. That's always my hope.

Wish me luck.

Back. I opened the envelope, carefully. Inside was a folded white sheet of paper. I pulled it out, and inside were two portrait-like photos of two young boys. Christ. I hate finding stuff like that. On the backs were their names and current ages. My first thoughts (I think even before turning them around to see the actual photos) were that I was supposed to be some assassin or bounty hunter. Now listen up. I don't even like that type of fiction. All I can say is that anyone else may have had the same thoughts. My minions told me that those were the first two options :). Really, that thought went away as soon as it arrived. Then of course came the "letter from the future" thing again. Well. These two boys are brown. I'll be damned if they're my offspring. Especially the one marked "Zach". I hate this kid. Hah, actually he looks like the boy from the George Lopez show. The sitcom, I mean. You know. I had to watch it on my Chicago trip. Rabbit ears.

Nope. I'll never have those two particular boys. They're no good. See, there's no telling though. An envelope with no return address. That's either attributed to forgetfulness, lack of envelope etiquette, or hell. From the future. Come on. And in the end of it all- please just let me have my imagination. I wonder whatever happened to that one girl that I met a couple times as a kid. Her uncle or family friend or just some older guy kept teasing her about having an extra toe. No telling if she actually did have an extra toe. But then I guess it wouldn't be a tease-able thing if it were true. I think I was just sitting off to the side, bored. I wonder if I actually made friends with those kids. I think it might have been their mom that was friends with my dad. Now I remember the lady's name because it was the first time I ever heard the name Reina. My dad told me it meant "queen". I keep visualizing this.. these streets that kind of look like they belonged in an unfinished neighborhood. I remember walking around... or being forced out of common courtesy to walk around... with her kids. Something about juice, too. Gah, that's just going to make me think about Ralph. And Beverly. Weird periods of time with my dad's friends. My dad's friends who just happened to have kids for me to play with.

Wait. I'm still talking about these two bastards that got sent to me in the mail. What, am I doing charity now? Christ, who are these kids? The obvious answer would be to send them to the correct address, right? Nah. This is the address that was written on the letter. Minus the "northeast" part. Wait, there were previous renters. The only reason I didn't think about that is because I had heard about the guy who was here in between us living here. He kicked holes in the walls, apparently. Who the hell would send pictures of young men to a man like that? In that case, the family... or friends.... will sort that out, amongst themselves. It's probably just some pathological gift someone just sent me as a cruel, Hank joke. Other than that, I'll just exploit the hell out of these pictures... no, no, they bother me too much. I would just kind of jokingly use them as placeholders in books at the most. And I won't burn them. I won't burn these pictures literally because I'm suspicious of the fact that I'm even thinking about burning them in the first place. Sigh. Look. I'll leave them where they are. I don't know the name for that particular article of furniture, but that's where they are. Sort of tucked under the paper towel my mom uses to collect incense ashes. There.

No one could have possibly expected this, but this is what happened. It happened to me in the middle of some odd writing practice I was doing. Good enough. I won't forget it. And speaking of which, I don't want to forget the other details. On my way to the piece of furniture I just mentioned, I did stop in the kitchen. I almost placed the envelope and pictures on the counter. That would have been too much. No, but my mom had just cooked these little apple tarters or something. Very good. A thin pie crust with chunks of green apple, with some sort of caramel-like (it very well may be caramel. or home-made caramel) sauce, and toffee chips. I've already forgotten them. There's plenty left, but I wanted to test whether or not I could hold off on devouring a dessert immediately. See. I'm good. Thing kinda have to be good. Gah, to think. The one thing that I have a tinge of doubt about right now is just.. my other life. My 1st 'other' life. I'm feeling iffy about.. ok there's got to be a different 'venue' for me to talk honestly about the..ugh.. comedy team. There's nothing "ugh" about it, but a very harsh change of pace. Minions telling me "no, don't." but I've got it. There's no right way. I'm feeling very good about the state of this topic (and we all like to think we're caring the most out of anyone) but there are very tiny little frays that could become problems later. I don't know. That's something I'd have to talk about. "Talk" about.

Well, then. It's good. Plus, I'm offended by the word "good". Plus, I can't tell if I'm saying "I'm offended" as a habit that Nick has rubbed off onto me. Now, if I was really in a paranoia-ish mood, then I'd completely change my wording of that last sentence. Current mood: lounge. Back hurts, and I'm just now realizing I didn't take the walk I planned for today. Craig. Ah well.

This worked.

Wave

Yeah, ok. Maybe I can do it here finally. I've been trying to write something decent about the past couple of days. You know. Computer has been virus'd for about a week or so. I actually don't remember. But it's almost necessary now to even admit to using a computer. Here it is.

Even still- to have written about the past few days. Isn't that something? That's what I've been doing this year. Well, I won't go into it as it is another "you can't enjoy the year when you're describing everything that happens" or something, but that's some of it. Either way, it's now November.. and even more surprising, it's a little after November 11th. There's no way to document what that means to me, but that is just fast.

Just as well, it's doing that whole daylight savings thing. Well, something has to have just come over me. I was telling myself that I am beginning to finally lose memory.. but then I realized that I actually haven't been doing anything enough to remember anything. I don't know. I can probably look back on this period of time as just "hospital visits and nothing happening". Yeah, I think it's safe to say "nothing is happening," whether or not it's true, at this point. Well, I guess, nothing was happening there for a moment.. Now I'm into the school application process. Er.

Well before it's too late, I've been wanting to say "you'll see," a lot. It doesn't work here. It's not the same as me automatically thinking the words "Follow Me" when I put a pen to a piece of paper or the back of a notebook. It's important. It's important for me to know, at least. I've been needing to make some point. I keep thinking of things to day and it just resolves in "you'll see". Who? Whatever. Whatever that stuff in the air is is doing a number of things to me. Besides the forgetting, it's making me feel unsure of myself, if that's the right way to say it. I keep thinking I need to make one good point, one good thing to say, and then I won't be so agitated. I guess I can't explain. Actually, it's like that paranoia feeling... oh boy.. which brings up the past couple of days which I have yet to bring up. One thing to be said before that, though. Forgetting, paranoia, trying to make some delusional point, and these "heavy" dreams. Eh, actually sounds like certain side effects. Mental crap. It's not the same. It's missing something. But isn't that how it always takes over? Making you think that something different is happening? Tell myself "it's probably only the weather", "it's probably only a hormone"?

I tried to explain this week many times. Maybe I'd have to wait until it's over? Well, I don't want to forget by that time. Isn't that what this week is about? The ability to forget? Well, according to what I just said, it's one among other things. I'm not sure if I'm willing to forget, yet. I worry. The first sign of this.. actually was on Sunday. So I'm clear? Something got me into a mode. I was thinking about this year's end fading into a whole other year. 2011? That one? I hope I'm not lying around in bed, some day in the middle of 2011. It'll happen. I hope I'm not just sitting on a phone chatting about what could-be-about-to-be as the sun goes down, next year. It's like, I have a very particular conversation with people, mapping out exactly what can happen and how to do it, and then a week happens. Fide's right. Somebody's out there setting the parameters. Changing the waves so we think in a different direction, every couple of seconds. Why do we keep switching it around? Do we all have a different idea of how things go or is somebody just doing some dastardly stuff to us? Right. I just imagined it. Going back to school, probably having the gall to move out of this house.. this safe house.. and it just turns into 'hanging out' or 'hanging around' for another ghastly amount of time. Paradox of "I just can't wait on other people". Really, though. What is the one thing? There is no one thing. That again. Those again. Do I really see myself doing what I want to be doing in 2011? Joke is on you. I'm the only one optimistic, here.

Right. That was Sunday. Inward. Then, Monday was the time I stepped foot outdoors. What a hellfire. I just went to the bank, and then onto reading a book. Then the book made me think for a bit. Then those thoughts reminded me of my dad. So I called him. I mindlessly ran into Hank. Espresso. He told me his story. His story. You never know. I've never considered biographies. I heard what I wanted to hear, I suppose. Hm, but the more I tell the events of the day, the more I realize that we all might be in the same mood. Under that same ol' wave that must've come over me. Well, not really based on him or anything. That just gave me a story to tell. Also, I might have imagined seeing a certain person that I know, but I didn't look back. Hard to explain, but there was a person sitting on a car whose face I didn't have time to look at. I don't know.

How I just keep coming back and wondering what I must have just written about. I actually don't remember the very last thing I said. Oh right. Yeah, Monday. Someone's offers to take you to a place, you go. Finished a book that night. Conan premiered. Still, a lot of talk about "I just saw the devil" that no one can really take back. It really just creeps into your brain. That again reminds me of the dreams I must be having this week. I think I caught one, but I don't remember. They've been kicking me old school.

Two days this week I've gone to the school to turn something in. Both times, I run into Nathan and Matthew. It just happens. To go any farther into talking about that'd just be stress. I ended up at "political club" today. I must've been a fool. I really just stay in comfort zones. I've done everything, though. Someone must be keeping me sheltered. Well, whatever. That's this week. Eh, I'm getting that negative "school" feeling, I guess. I'll see. I can't tell if this is like the tiptoe of the year, though. What does November look like?

I hope I snap out of it. Or back into something else. September was a good one. Except the 25th. You'd think I'd have nerves of steel by now, but I guess I lack experience. Hell. I don't know if I've been in some 'twilight of my own secret thoughts' though because I'm regenerating old mindsetsahhellwhatever. Not to mention, I didn't even mention "After All". That'll never happen.

Goodness. Ha.

Before I Hurl

Oh boy. ha. "Oh boy".

Ohh boy. literally responding with "oh boy" to each thing I see, at this moment. Brain overloaded for a moment. Same as last week. Remedy is to stay up, writing junk. Last time, I came up with some ridiculous graphic organizer about how the same story can be told in an endless amount of ways. Because I'm thinking about some absurdities, but I'm getting worn out because they're all also good ideas.

Ok. I need to sit. Lay. I need to run somewhere, fast!

Before I h-

Even

Alright, so an update on the hospital junk is in order, right? Well, yes, my dad is doing fine. Nick is in the hospital though. Blood clot in lung. Hrmph.

Well, yesterday. Too many things, really. Should have visited my dad, somehow. Should have watched the Little 5 Halloween parade. Should have met my friends at the air show. No progress made, in the least. Eh, those are days when I end up stacking more responsibilities. Not taking advantage of too many things to do becomes free time which becomes more things to do. I'm just waiting for myself to get stressed out, which I thought couldn't possibly happen but there's a chance it could sneak up on me. It can end up "people do that all the time, and they actually do stuff for a living," insulting the fact that I am not doing crappy physical labor or it can just be the fact that maybe my steady-yet-straying attention span won't allow it. You know. Because I am constantly paying attention to a lot of things. Hell, i don't know.

Whoop, a hospital pic of my dad just appeared. Heh. Weird to see. I'm actually just waiting for this to be over with. All people can do about family in the hospital.. gah. Gloating. That's despicable. I don't care who thinks I'm not doing anything to support. I am. This is what I would do in this situation. Let's face it. No telling what it says about me. Still, I know my dad knows better than those others who are blowing it out of pr... you know what, forget it. It's only going to sound like I'm aggravated. This is like one of those things famous people do on reality shows. Complaining about exploitation or feigning sympathy. I won't. No use in complaining about what people actually do. I mean, you can tell yourself it's a plot device and all that crap, you can tell yourself that's just how some people are, or you can tell yourself it's a difference between: men and women, feelers and thinkers, or intellect. Whatever. It's only going to top off my latest confusion about how many ridiculous opinions there are in the world. Er, the opinions themselves are never really ridiculous, but that fact that there is no "the" thing. No one wins, actually. Hm.

How I react in situations merely becomes "sit and watch". Mreh. So, I really just want to say that everything I do is a sterile reaction to the world. Really. Really. I have to be purely reacting the way things show up. The way they appear. It has to be. I mean, this is really not an opinion about myself in the world. It is what it actually is. As long as it doesn't look like I'm singling myself out for some stupid self-centered approval. Like, you get to a certain point after you've heard loads of things and thought lots of ways where you just keep talking despite all the ways you'd have to be contradicting yourself.

Hell, whatever. I'm fine. Oh wait, other folks are in pain.

At Least

Ah, erm. I wanted to say something about not being allowed to brag about my own personality traits, or something. Hold up, my leg is bouncing up and down while my arm iss resting on itt. I'm typing. Yeah I mean, half of me is thinking that the pressure should be on. Most of me agrees that things are going ok. Things are going according to plan, I suppose. Then comes the unplanned. Heh, my dad is in the hospital right now, after a car accident. Of course, I am unable to head to Atlanta to visit him. I'm just not sure about how I am reacting. I am sure that anything I can say right now, about this situation, would be considered exploitation. To myself, at least. Ok, let me just say that this is an example of me thinking rather than feeling. If we can put aside the severity of the problem, I just want to reflect on this aspect... Well, I don't know.. People that are motivated by feelings, are they the ones who announce to the world this type of stuff? This is going to be a hard thought-process to untangle, though.

No feelings happen when I get news like this, which cannot be a bad thing, but if they did... what would they be? Worry vs. Concern... What am I doing right now? What should I be doing right now? I am at ease, for the most part. I just don't know if I should be. My left leg is shaking, and that is all. The same leg was shaking around this time, last year. I was just writing a story and I noticed the things that must be on my mind right now. Once again, the news has found its way into my thoughts. Yesterday was the first I had even heard of those miners in Chile. That aggravated me, at first. Some news story that I didn't even know about, having an almost ineffective outcome. Comedians had to break that piece of news to me. Why am I hearing this story, and why will it be in my subconscious for a while? I guess the story was irrelevant to me, until now. I won't explain why.

Let's try it this way. I woke up at eleven, and was alert by 11:30. Today, I had plans for me to: message two people about my phone number, finish my financial aid thing, and call Hank and my dad. The only thing I did not do was call Hank. I held off on breakfast because I really was not in the mood to give that soy milk another chance. Right. I called my dad, and he didn't answer the first time. I was still in bed. A minute later, he called me back. He seemed to just be waking up, too. Apparently, this was his day off from his new job. He told me that it was a good thing that they gave him a day off because he was feeling a little bit sick. It's flu season, I suppose. It was a short phone call, but he said he would get in touch Saturday. So, my day started. I showered and turned on my computer monitor to see that I had set aside some videos for me to edit today. I guess I edited two, and looked through the rest. Meanwhile, it was my mom who was finishing up my financial aid for me. I didn't expect that at all. Somewhere along the way, I guess the video editing did cut into the afternoon. Not sure if I remember where the time went today.

It was evening, and in a rare occasion, I sat on the couch and watched tv. Actually, I had been encouraging myself to watch tv more often in order to keep myself aware of the ways that shows are written and stuff. I was watching Seinfeld, when I got a call from my dad's phone number. When I answered, I heard my dad's friend. She told me that he was in the hospital after a car accident. In hindsight, this reaction is familiar. I'll try not to keep that in mind. But see, all I can think about is exploitation. How do people react to others when they are in pain? I'm sorry, but if I say what is actually going on in my head, then..

Every thought is going through my head. The hilarity, the horror, the satire, the honesty, the memories, the news, the stories, the offense, the defense, the ugly, and whatever the opposites to all those things are. And more. I was already thinking these things, though. It's a paradox because none of this is caused by hearing that my dad is in intensive care, and it is at the same time. Was I already going to talk about something? Was I already planning to talk about my weekend? Will I forget the weekend completely? Hah, it's officially Friday. When did my weekend end? What am I allowed to be thinking about? Should I be concentrating on getting to hospital to visit my dad? Should I be thinking about things to cover that whole thing up?
Current Mood: Waiting.
Let's be honest, I'll do the family thing and "keep him in my prayers," at the very least. I guess all that is really on anyone's mind at the minute, though, is get-rich-quick. Nothing unexpected, just really amplified to me.. you know, besides this entry's main concern and due to loss of interest in certain other folks. I was really wanting to write about how I have over 14 things that I am working on. I already did that, kinda. It was just going to be about me being slick about the fact that I am able to handle various things with no problem. Then I was going to have the realization that I am not even actively working on those things. That's out of the question, I guess. Now, all I can think is "well, my dad's in the hospital" when I'm trying to maintain focus on this keyboard. That quote is really a balancing act. I'm imagining that I really should not imagine anything too far to the right of that statement. If anything, I'll lean more to the left. On the left, are the good thoughts. Alright, fine. I can't even remember what mental disorder that is. Doesn't matter though.

Yeah, too many things at once. Too many thoughts at once, rather. I know I am not in denial, (don't speak in absolutes) and I know that at the very back of my mind I really just want to mention an episode of King of the Hill that I just watched. Nothing really, just the fact that Bobby was in "the hole" at the military camp, er academy thing that he was sent to. Chile, again. The story I was just writing, again. "Keep him in your prayers," again. The right side.

At the end, I guess there's no use in worrying about others exploiting emotions when they feel more than they think. It all comes back to personality types. Thinkers and feelers. It also comes back to that Stephen King interview I just read. He mentioned something hypothetical about getting into a car accident and thinking "this is just like the movies" rather than being worried about his safety. I'll admit, my heart just skipped when my eyes moved from the name Stephen King up to where I had written King of the Hill, but ah well. Connecting things. I'll ignore it if I have to. As of now, I still haven't read anything by the man. Just about him. It's almost like when I started listening to Frank Zappa. I just read his quotes. Then came the 3 discs of music. Eh, whatever. Wish I could stick to one topic, though. Also, my aunt thinks that my dad might have blacked out before the accident because my dad's friend said he hadn't eaten before then. Could also be the flu. Or any other sickness that would be going around. At the end of it all, it's probably just more exploitation.

I can't even tell where I am thinking.

Feast

It's about that time again. Female blood feast.

Yeah, I am barely writing, though. Feels like, if I look out the window I'll see the rest of the world in some huge street fight. Won't, though. Just seems like a bunch of horrid imagery is going on.. folks outside, ballroom dancing and burning junk.

I don't feel safe, really. It's not one of those cozy kinds of cold weathers.

Feels like everything is in spite of. Like. Well, I'm not saying anything is changed or same-old because those are ridiculous to say about any periods of time. We already know it. I'm not planning on saying anything new, don't worry.

It's just the most recent time it has become October. or Fall. or. Horrid. Can't even tell if I have an opinion on whether or not I like the cold. Too many opinions.

That's exactly the thing.

It's one of those stand-stills where you've heard every opinion about a certain thing, and at the end of all, you just think, "well, damn". Knowing every way to see things [subject to change] just kinda ruins anything else.

I was having fun pretending folks weren't real. Can't I just have fun?

I was having an ok time pretending I was going to make it, in the end.

I was just a kid pretending to be a hero that he saw on tv, or something.

That's just fun as hell.

And if a way to see the world is going to be the thing to stop it, even for a second of time, then.. I'd rather just watch. What?

People are just lookng for reasons to be warm right now. I guess I'm fighting it. I guess I always was. You know, I don't write.

I guess once you play chess, and compare the pieces to your morals and all that crap, you realize what folks were talking about.. I mean, as simple as "references to chess". Game of chess. Gave up all my important pieces, though. Just how I am with games. Hm.

[no idea why i didn't continue this, but oops.]

Brain drain

Dark

Yeah, well, it's October.
Another shame for me, though. Today, I mean.
Still, it sets the tone. I'm not all crash landing on whether or not Fall is coming.
It's alright.
Hm.

Change of mood, here. It's nice, now. Maybe the music. Female singers. Like, when it's ok.
Did I do anything today? That's got to be the ultimate question. I'm betting, in the end of that type of phase, the answer some how ends up "it doesn't matter". It's all just like that little magnetic wheel gadget. It's just as fun to make it go up as it is to make it go down. Yeah. Yeahh. Feels good.

Oop. Sucks. Ah well. Oh that's right. Turns out that I overlooked something. Nah, I won't worry. Kind of a shame, actually. I need to be disappointed. Not really, I don't feel that way.

Yeah, I've got nothing to say.
And I'm not just saying that I've got nothing to day.
Because I don't have nothing to say. Thinking and feeling.
"Terror".
If only someone was devoted to my language.

Now.

Rough. Tough.

Really getting in there. It's just.. taking its toll.
I don't think I did anything, today. I didn't try to, like I did yesterday, but I think it took me by surprise. I mean, yesterday, yeah I did try to do nothing but I ended up editing and posting the first of my series. It's officially kick-started. Hm. So, I got good responses. But today.. I don't know. It was good but-- actually-- today might just "not exist". The whole reason I started writing a lot this year. It's one of those things I like to compare to sophomore year. The one that it just kind of preparatory for other days, like tomorrow.

Then, allow me to be real here, my facebook account was disabled. Yeah, I mean. Hell, I don't know. Appropriate for me, though. The Social Network is in theaters tomorrow, er probably in a few minutes. Oh well. I knew that if that ever happened to me, my only regret would be all of those conversations that these employees consider to be expendable. Corruption. We're expendable. Yet, fake profiles.. eh oh well. At the same time, though, it's one of those... parallels.. One of the things that comes to mind is just, you know, how it's basically like dying. Like I said- parallels. Not realllly like dying. What I mean is that, kind of like when someone dies in real life.. you kind of think "aw, they never even got to see _____" (like a movie or some event that happens right afterward). It's not about missing it, it's about not being allowed. Agh. I'm trying to say that, as being kicked out of a large network of people, death is like... being kicked out of a large group of people. One might retort "yeah but there are more dead people than alive" and I think.. "yeah, exactly". Plus, I won't even find out why my account was disabled. I'm a victim, here. Still, it's just this website. It really has become a monster, though. Nothing bad, just a monster. I mean it very well could be evil, but just a monster. Do you know what I mean, at all?

Just saying. In the same way all of my favorite stupid little quotes may just be vanished from history- don't jump to any conclusions, reader- ok screw it. There's no way to explain it without having it sound like it's turning into one of those "man, insignificance" or "ah man, all my stuff" or "whoa, I'm really gone" or anything like that. It's not. In fact, I was just going to mention my major comparison to all of this and then just drop the topic. No. I am going to remember how I was going to word this.
..
.
...
Right.. The whole. "One life to live" "y'only live once" blah blah. Because no matter how I say anything, folks reading in correctly will remark "why put so much thought into facebook?" and then of course "don't worry about how people read things". Worst part of all, I'm not even having one of those nights. One of those nights where I actually am thinking about the various possible reactions given from people. And me explaining that only gets me deeper, and me thinking about that only reminds me of how when Nick gets into one of these situations, explaining himself only makes it worse. Fine. I abort.

Hye, how's it going.? Really. I actually mistyped "hey". Today was fine. Wait, no.. am I in a mood? I could have sworn I was in a neutral mindset all day. This is horrifying. What on earth am I thinking, these days? Well, it's October now. I've got a thing to look forward to. I think.

Oh well.

Watched

Ha ha ha
Really too much.
I woke up today. That was enough. I mean it.
I got right up and possibly ate breakfast. It must have gotten stuck in my teeth because I watched myself trying to dig it out with my tongue. Frosted flakes.
I watched my day, today. I was third-person, today. Now, I feel like I didn't even have a day.
A weird day, man. A weird day.
It was the first cold day, though. My lips are getting dry, I noticed, when I watched myself.
When it was happening, though, I did keep on seeing that my hands might have been dry, too.
So weird of a day. Really.
I started, right off the bat, my "video series". Today was devoted to starting my "video series". The first objective was, simply, to start it. I am so distressed, now. Everything went perfect.
I explained what I had in mind for the rest of it, so this counted. Then, I was invited to philosophy club, again. More excuses to film the day. I think what has me stumped, now, is that today is kind of a.. paradox? Now, I think I'm beginning to wither in some type of understanding. This is only based on the fact that I am typing this right now, but I think I watched more than just progress being made in the footage. Something is haunting me about today. It has to be the change in weather. Can I fight it, this time?

Immediately after I completed one of this year's goals, which actually paves the way to completing more goals, I feel that I need to take this time to stay inside and get cozy maybe. Instincts? I have to make things work around each other, I guess. If this 'goal' works, then maybe everything else will fall into place. That old 12th grade Frankenstein logic. Iconoclast in the class. Gah.. reminds me.

Different topic, but I was actually called a perfectionist in that class. After helping write a story about a murderous housewife.. a poem about a murderous housewife. I literally thought it was cliche. I guess that's why it was only a slight comment about my proposed perfection. Sorry, this must be an inside joke or something. A moment only I can enjoy. Kind of like how I really just can not wait to tell my story about that Muddy Waters, Jr. show.

Ok, I'll do it. Once I get this story straight, I'll keep working on it. This stupid, stupid "series". I'll call it stupid, so it'll have some resentment in the mix. It already looks exactly like me. This is my solo thing.

Wait.

Duh.

That was the whole reason I came here. To tell about my day. Er, to tell about my mood. I feel like I'm.. you know. "In, over my head." or whatever. I actually took it upon myself to start- and finish- an entirely separate project, aside from.. Cool Winners, Terror Keyboard, Brain Camp, Daytime Buddies, Let's Dants, Body Snatcher, street art, the secret music video, the promos, and.. real life. What..what am I thinking? Will something as taxing as a documentary about myself be what I need to get all of these projects rolling? To complete this year's goals? To help the people around me? To finally build relationships with people I actually want to know? How was I doing this before? Oh no, I must have been neglecting a bunch from.. posting things on the internet. Ha, not to mention I'm considered to not have anything going on, right now. Though, somehow, something going on would actually ironically make things less hectic. I don't know. I don't have a lot to work with. Material-wise. Even though that's the point I'm trying to make. Gah.

Well at the very least, no one will watch it. The best that can happen is that I actually complete my list. Yeah, see. I'm actually not doing this to impress folks with my projects, not to gain attention, and not to.. I forgot the other thing. Still, my reason is to simply.. do something. Not 'do something' out of boredom, but to do a thing that causes me to do other things. Alright. It's a responsibility. All I have to do is pick out what parts of the day I like, and compile it. That's all. Then maybe I'll get to those other things.

Agh, though, what if it actually does end up looking like some blog? Heh, well it doesn't matter. See, like I said. I'm not doing this for show. I'm not expecting anyone to watch. I'm trying to keep up with myself. All I need to know.. is that this can be considered a good thing to do. Or a right thing. I don't know. I'll give myself rest if I need it. This is stupid, though, talking about it. 2 am, somehow. Back to the other topic. Feels like I didn't even enjoy the day. Hah, I know I did, actually. Ok fine. Mood shifts, in the fall.

Let's watch.

Might As Well

Alright, then.
I guess the actual thing that's on my mind (after erasing a couple of sentences) is the whole thought of.. er. 'if you only had ___ to live' and stuff like that. I mean. I don't know how I am with that. I guess I've been waiting for me to finally figure out what it means to me. You know, kind of like when you've known of a certain famous person all of your life, but you're just not ready to know about him or her? More like when you hear a 'fact of life' or someone's motto and you've always thought that you knew what it meant.. Hell, I guess now is the time I finally delve into 'you only live once'. I guess knowing that I'm going to make it in the end isn't enough, right now. It's like I'm kind of preparing for the day where I find out I only have one day left. I guess I don't know enough of the world for me to find out about a last thing that I can do right now. Anything I'd want to do anytime soon, I'd rather just see develop. Not the process, just ugh. Processes make me run away, actually. So, no. Like, I know how easy everything is- within reason.

Honestly. It still confuses me. Yeah, I realized that I can actually get "confused". I guess I have to just look at it how it is.. "one day to live". Well, I could be breathing mold right now and that's deadly. I might, honestly, pass away soon. Unexpectedly. How much should I worry, thinking that I might actually just expire within months? It doesn't really bother me a whole lot, until I think about all the stuff they'd find in my notebooks and other writings. Ha, really, I'm just thinking about the many people who already have no idea what to make of the things I have had to say. That's a whole other story, maybe. I don't claim to be misunderstood or nothin'.

Ok screw it. "Current mood: Embarrassed.. Mortified.." I don't know. It doesn't matter what causes these things and how I resolve them or could have resolved them. I know that there's got to be a point where you can literally just redeem yourself. I shouldn't just take several tiny, yet huge, embarrassing moments and just say "ok, I'll just make jokes or movies about them so they won't be so horrifying to remember." I really, really have got to talk to these people about these ambiguous moments. I've got to find out, or let them find out, what can be reasonable in these situations. Of course, I won't be able to track down other folks, but if the things have just happened.. then I should say something. How can you really just be honest when it comes to people who.. matter? Really, on that note, how does one really at least try to get someone to do what's right? Wow. In a way, once again, it feels like heh being a puppeteer, for lack of better metaphors. Then after thinking, it's back to how I felt before the summer. Where several people are making me up. I'm several peoples' puppet? Nah, whatever, that's all stupid. This is stupid. Really stupid, all of it. This is actually just very stupid, and I couldn't be having a better time talking about how stupid this actually is.

I'm typing. What in the hell could that attribute to me doing what I want to do? I'm holding back, by the way. A lot. Because I have additional ideas, that aren't able to just be typed. They're the things that you see after you read this that's kind of "oh, that must be what caused him to do this'. Stupid. I've been losing brainpower, recently. That can literally, literally mean few things. Willful loss of brain? Me? No, actually, never. Ha.

This is awful. Nothing's awful, just this is awful. I know a person who just did the stupidest thing I can think of. I know him. Heh, to say the least. I know a person who has actually given up on things that they just "don't see happening". I know a couple of folks who just won't do things, and seem to wonder why they have to continue with their regular lives. I know a guy who I know I can't fully trust, but I really don't even care. Yet, I instinctively care. I know someone who literally will not make sense to me at all. That's what I know right now. That must be what's on my mind. This is ridiculous. All over the place. Where have I been? How do I know I haven't had this same mind-state before? This is probably how I felt, back in January, where I had not previously been "typing".

All year, I've had one set of things on my mind. I didn't say a word. Thought I said something, but no. Now, I've come back from Chicago, uttering quotes that I didn't think I'd remember. Now I'm back in a business-man state of mind. Now I'm trying to "network". That conflicts with everything I was, most of this year.

I think the wind is right.. something's in proper alignment ONLY for me to be able to safely say.. "I'm confused." And since context has to be an issue, it's literally just thoughts about real life. Real. Real. Real. Life. Li-li-life life. NOT the "real world" that older people warn you about. That's still nonsense. Alright, fine. I am unable to cope with the embarrassment, practically because I'm not talking about it. So, no use.

Also, I am unable to go from this to doing what I want about "one life to live" stuff. It wouldn't work. I'll still try. But really. "Being alive is so weird."

Ignore

Yeah, Let's try to ignore the void of what happened in the past month and a half. I mean, what I really have to say about it is scattered across whatever the heck it is that got in my way since then. Really, all I'd normally be saying right about now is some garbage about all the interesting quotes I had heard my family say while I was in Chicago. All the phrases that somehow end up echoing through other people. I'd be telling of how I'm trying to apply most of it to my life. Then, here, I'd mention that the most important piece of advice I had heard was just the word "chew". Well, no. I really can't go into detail about that just yet because I've already had that conversation with each of my friends. One of them, at least, that I can visualize right now.

I suppose what is now "in" is just what I've been trying to workout with the people around me. Er. See, I can talk about this just because it's about what I've been talking about with friends of mine, rather than the same old stuff I've been repeating to them all week. I know it to be true, that I've said "photoshoot" almost too many times, in the past few days. I've always noted the rule of etiquette..or just social behavior.. that goes something like "if you find yourself telling the same stories, more than once..". Not sure. I guess the rule is not to become boring by only having one thing going on in your life. Ouch. Still, I realize that none of my friends are actually thoroughly talking to each other, so I feel as though I am circulating and refreshing the things they have to say about...our latest..plan. Right. That's a mystery. Yeah, we're really trying to get some type of a ball rolling on our.. you know.. ugh.. entertainment careers. Sorry. It's just the type of thing that it hurts to talk about unless it's already actually working.

Ironically enough, this all probably does lead to some of that Chicago advice. Like I am reluctantly going to repeat, I wanted to come back to Georgia and "hit the ground running". Agh. Still, I shouldn't be ashamed in the least. I did just that. Hm, I mean, I guess I did run that day. No, no. Eventually I did have somewhat of a business meeting. Two, kind of, but eh. So, what.. This business lunch kind of reminded me of what the live Cool Winners show really did. What any of our old stuff did. It just built up and, you know. The more stuff that people can simply access daily, the more they'll want to see you on rarer occasions. Er, in this case, mostly. Obviously, at this point I'm not going to give away the specifics of what the meeting was about, but trust me. No, though, it made me realize some ideas about promotion and stuff like that. I guess the other meeting I sort of had kind of helped, too.

So, that's how it slowly developed. As I looked at my phone's messages to realize that I had almost had no conversations throughout one of these weeks, I knew I had to put my foot down. I started barking out ideas, to as many folks as would listen. Became a merry-having gone-round. As I discussed with Fide, we are building a network. Ah, see. You'll see. I'm kind of done for this moment in time. Attention span. Ah well.

I am in Chicago. Very tired, it's insaned.

Wild

It's actually very astonishing. I can... speak volumes, I'm sure, and not even once mention anything in my life that might involve.. well you know, the personal stuff. What happened to the public-personal relationship I was headed for? Er, you know, nothing secret. Well nothing is secret, I guess, is the problem. Yeah, actually. I guess if you're not going to have secrets, you had better not want to have secrets. Fine. I guess I have "secrets". Fine. I guess I am regular. Whoa.

So, you're saying... not being outstanding was just a way to hold off until you were allowed to be outstanding? No good. You can't necessarily dig yourself out of that. Quick, be outstanding! Hold on. See? Hesitation. I guess you have to be in a realm of past and present in terms of completing... goals.

Though. The problem cannot be a question of whether or not I am outstanding. Of course.. I'm apparently "esoteric". Of course I had to look it up. Known by a select few, right? A select few are able to see me as outstanding. On top of that few, are the ones who are interested. They give up, easily. The majority give up, instantly. So, when I'm ready.. fine.

I should definitely stop with the delusions, though. I should either get someone to listen to all of it, or hell. Someone needs to be able to listen, without jumping to conclusions. I know for fact that it makes a great story, but I... There was something that was on tv... oh yeah.. that woman who can talk backwards.. She didn't know that it wasn't "normal" until it came up, one day. That's what I want to see. I want to see if my stories sound familiar. Hm. He's torn.

Other than that, yeah. Career changes. I need to cool down. May need to travel. Imagine how good it'd be to see very unfamiliar people, who can know nothing of your previous travels. As if you'd tell them. To think.. a change of scenery and all of this could have just been some dream. Hah. You've been escaped, all along! Agh, but not for long. Eventually someone is going to ask you to speak up. There's something to you. So, you say almost too little.. and it get's everybody all panicky. Damn it.

Again.


Oh. Dream. Yeah, after I had trouble getting to sleep, after shouting the word "chemicals" over and over again... I dreamt that I was driving. I was driving and I was the only one to see a flaming white helicopter coming close to the ground. Right next to where that Chic-Fil-A billboard would be, over the bridge. I guess because I was the only one who could see it, I was the only one who could maintain myself on the road. Huge disaster. Cars freaking out, me going steady. Eventually, I end up at some... safe house or party... I think I talked to a bunch of people about it, and I tried to let everyone know that I was the only one to actually see it happen. Not sure if a lot of the folks cared. Fine, though. The house was kind of like how you can imagine the rest of the house from Married With Children to look. Regular young guy with medium brown hair, holding a drink. Heh. Something else good happened, but still... I never have dreams with fire or destruction. I knew I'd dream though. Another 'pro' to a horrible thing.

Then, I think I visited Justin, somehow. He was just on a hotel bed. On the phone. That's kind of all. Not sure. Hah. I never really see folks like that, in dreams. Well, see. Not Justin, at least. Makes me want to dream of my other cast of characters. Ah well.

Ohhh yeah. I remember waking up and describing my "perfect girl" for some reason. I actually sat up, and counted specific qualities with my fingers.. It was, of course, a delusional type of specific. Delusional specifics. Like how also before sleeping, I thought of a "spectrum of vulgarity". In addition to a "roulette of..." I don't think I finished that one. One of those last thoughts before bed, where you sum up the world for the night. Never lasts.

Well.

Alliance

Brain activity. Let's try for it.
I'm noticing. The common theme for this episode seems to be the whole "escape from reality" thing. Hm. You could convince yourself that it's always the common theme. I assure you, it's not.

The people who end up looking for escapes always end up looking for escapes. Variation, at the very least. People do, unfortunately, look to me for an escape. I don't tell them, but I let them know that there's just about nothing I can do.

At the risk of situational hypocrisy, I won't admit anything else. I'm just formulating different ways to consider yourself "escaped".

"Alright, you can visit my imagination, but it's gonna cost you... the ultimate sacrifice.. :/" Implying that, if you go, you have to stay. Either that, or you can visit now, but your previous afterlife choices are now void.

Ah well.

Crack

As in- I'll take a crack at it. I kind of see eye to eye with the plain man that I had always kind of saw myself as. I see myself in the same position of two unrelated men that I imagine to be foil characters. Not necessarily busy, but not necessarily satisfied. They still have bite.

I had felt a calm state of "normal" for a majority of Tuesday. So very calm. I wasn't feeling any corruption or frenzy going on. I actually understood "relax". There was a simplicity. There was no need for any outrageous words. Words are critical. They're only critical.

Hours

Yeah, it's not like me. Almost awake for 24 hours, after a 4 sleep. At this point, I don't even realize if there's any reasoning behind sharing that fact. Er, not reasoning. Legitimacy or something.

Sooner than I thought, I noticed I had been on the phone for 2 hours and 45 minutes. I was breaking down all of the meaning and reactions behind I Am Not An Animal. "Full circle" was designated to describe the explanations. Abuh. Music is weird right now. Not my vocabulary. One day I'll grow up enough to leave that sentence without explanation. Oh wait, unrelated musics, though. Yeah a lot of "gold" for some reason. Funny because as I typed "gold," I was startled to hear it in my headphones. No idea what the gold is for. Oh yeah. Golden Poop.

"Poop" is the golden word. I had forsaken the importance of the word "poop". I ashamed. People still associate me with the word, though. Wait, it's gold for another reason, now.

Ok, last night, animal kingdom. I merked. Yeah, sure.

Oh yeah, lot of Pandora references looming. I can't extract it. Er, what if Pandora's box was someone's "dream box" and they had a lot of nightmares Not suggesting originality, though. Yeah, I'm not in shape. Though I don't mean physically, I feel no need to assert the clarification.

cosis/

Bonkers

Yeah, I finally went cuckoo. I know, I know. No proof. That's fine. It's probably just a bodily function, then. I'm just wondering how many jokes I'd make about myself once I was declared a loon. I continue to claim to not have anything to do with the whole "insanity" craze, but that's kind of a tough one to shake off. I can picture my eyes literally opening up to the fact that I actually do nothing more than confuse folks. I actually do "take the long way around things". So, I mean. I need to calm down. Not "who's to say what's normal?" or anything, but I need to stop stopping in the middle of everything I say. Do I need to stop?

I've just been going back to that phase of getting confused and terrified by regular people. Yeah the whole "people aren't real" thing, but yes regular people. I just get the feeling that people are just being hardcore versions of people. Laughing and enjoying things- no I am not "disgusted" like it sounds, but I really really really feel uncomfortable. I am really really really convinced that everything is set up. Now, I know my limits. I know that I am able to steadily believe that "people don't exist" and "most people are fake" and "some people are background characters" and "aw, I love people" and "hate 'em" and "hey" and "some people are bad some people are good some people are smart and some are dumb" all at the same time, and it all makes sense... but now I actually feel all these things at once...? Agh. No. I'm not trusting anything. Yeah, it's got to be a chemical thing.

This may be the first time that vacation will actually do me good. I think I now know how to be ok with not working on something. Heh. Contradiction: it's 5 am. I'm clearly not satisfied. It's clear that there's something going on in my system. It's also probably the cause. I already know what may just be the cure.

Earlier, I sat and tried to perfect my miniature "bio". Heh. "About Me." Not here, though. The public one. That's another thing that's been kind of making me uneasy. The fact that I was even re-writing it was just not legitimate. I was actually trying to write about myself. To compete. I basically wrote it, about 5 times. I beginning to obsess. I thought about how I inherited a need to get everyone I ever met, together. I wanted to keep in a part about how I accidentally help people. I listed words that I have been described as. I tried to insist that I need the opposite of an ego boost. Then, I realized... Since when do I describe myself? I am revealing the "secret". I'm thinking two things at the same time. Of course, I'm not trying to have a bunch of questions asked about me... well actually yeah I'd prefer that to just being plain wondered about. Fine, never mind those. What I ended up saying was something about how anything that I begin to say that might be "personal" I just turn into nonsense. Then that just makes me "interesting". It's ridiculous. All by accident. All entanglement.

Actually had a conversation, in a dire moment. Heh, I sat to a meal in a fast-food restaurant by myself. I lost it because this was my actual visual manifestation of somebody who has given up completely. I cringe at the sight of a lonely middle-aged woman eating a sandwich. That is my personal ultimate horror. Later I found out that the man who was sitting behind me was actually basically insane. You know... yelling at folks. Still, when I left I just happened to see, heh, Zane. That's as far as I'll go. His full name just drove me even more mad because of a certain character in a book. We talked, more than I expected. Just like all of my other friends, he has had time to think. Ugh. No way these words were coming out of his mouth. I've had this conversation with each of my close friends. It's always new.

I mean. I am actually getting "blind-sighted" by stupid little things. If you're on my side, don't get offended by what he said- "you seem like a college guy who likes to hang out and party, but when you go home you probably write poetry and cut yourself." I literally had to jump up and scream when he said that because it's kind of true. For someone who has just met me at this point in time, yeah. I couldn't figure out the "cut" part, but it actually put the rest of the statement in some "real life" package. This is how I must seem. That's not so good. That's the story of my life. New Year's Day, I'm optimistic and I try to reason with situations and I have faith in people. The moment after my birthday, I distrust people and I don't believe in situations.

So this year, I was just knowingly a ridiculous trying-to-impress "interesting" man. One of the things that you become out of shear avoidance. Now, I am just a wacko. Great. All of that. Then just this.

Oh yeah, I forgot. Situations where I am sure that no one ever has a problem with. They seem freshly complicated. Grant's family still has my camera, and he's in Brazil. I was supposed to get it from him before he left, but then he said his dad would drop it off with me. Fine. Apparently they still need it. I'll let them borrow it for a bit longer. I have no idea why, but I can't fathom any response to any...anything. I don't get it. I literally don't understand what any of that means. Plus, there's a public information problem that I literally do not.. ugh. This is new, I've never been able to not understand...not remember... It actually "hurts"... like something inside me is being given an "indian burn" er whatever. You know. Wringing. I feel dried up.

I'll just rest. No, wait.

It's actually only my second night using this pillow. Haunting. I'm a mess.

Reasoning

Alright, so I'm sure I did some intense dreaming last night. I mean. I left messages on answering machines, a lot. Ate.

It's just been the whole reality/not reality thing, again. Plus, I might be losing my mask of legitimacy. I'm less impressive, in person. I've earned the right to admit to it. When you're thinking exactly the same thing as someone else.. eh, competition. It's not bad.

Ha, I'm missing out on some celebration. Oh right, that's what I needed to do. I needed to go down stairs and get my phone. I know. Those are where my plans are. I just kind of wonder if these material plans help out, any. Calling them that. Still.

As fast as possible, though, just to prove that I can. Ok, quick. What am I thinking? Uh, well, I'm impressive :). I'm thinking impressive. Must be impressive. "I'm Tom Cruise, I'm Tom Cruise..." Not I, of course. All I have to do is look in the mirror and remember that I'm me. I'm literally just me, the poor bastard. Good work, kid.

Now, I have to catch up with time. It's another case of writing what you're doing right now to the point of having written what you have to do after it all. Nevermind.

This is kind of how I do it, but oh yeah. My thing right now, is how people seriously think that I'm being "rondom" yeah "rondom." Crumb! I'm speaking about a subject that should only bother the 14 year old version of myself. See. The Past, I forgot to mention that whole episode. Sorry. It's ok, I just don't trust too much.

My younger self worked pretty well. Compatibility. Sour.

Thanks.

Souls

Just any given demon woman putting you to sleep for about 13 hours.

That one dream I wrote about actually ended up happening. Well, it would have if I would have had a dvd player downstairs.. Until yesterday, I was stuck in June 21st: the day after my birthday.

For my birthday, I fell asleep at maybe 5 am, again. I was trying out a new medication, honestly. I did it wrong, so it was whatever. Woke up with a headache, but it was a decent headache. I walked out to see all that had been prepared for my celebration. Stuff set up, out back. I remember being on the lawn swing chair thing for a while. Then Grant came over and family came over.

Of course, I told them lies about work and college. I can't handle things. No one even knows that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Exactly. Contradiction. Crap, that reminds me.

There was a mid point. Then, it picked up as the family left and my guests arrived. Nerve-wracking. Er, thought so. You know what, though? It ended up beautifully. Literally, a beautiful day. The day people only give you when you're on your death bed. Oh well.

Justin even told me that the conversation we had when it was all over was just the happiest he's ever heard me. Heh. Still, I feel much like a failure in that area. It's ok. I just wanted to achieve some type of exit strategy for people like me. The failure of such a thing can literally only attribute to a life in the grind. Life in the grind. It's sacred.

Then, I lost track for a couple of days. Yeah, I celebrated Nick's birthday, but that was kind of what I had been doing the week before. When I tried to go back into the world that I was trying to kind of take hold of before, I literally set myself up for disappointment. So, last night I felt the exact opposite of how I did when my birthday was over.

I mean at least then, there was a chance of folks doing anything. Last night, it was just everything with every reason to be horrifying. Everyone is just so inaccessible. Anyone who can help just can not help. I literally have to hide from family, for a couple of reasons. I mean, I know who to trust with any situation, but they're scary monsters at this moment. Really, what I'm saying is that I had this devastating realization about females, again.

I really feel that they're monsters. I really feel that they're the ones who only want one thing. I heard my mom and her friend come in, and I heard them talk all night. They didn't know I was home, in my room, asleep that early. It was the most demonic thing I had ever heard. Complaining and coming up with people to blame problems on. There is no need a person will ever have to cause someone to talk about a thermostat the way my mom did last night. Our poor dog was right in the line of fire. His crying for her attention just says it all. Women are these things that are on some crazed mission. They're scouting out the world, for what they want. No one can enter this planet without something that a woman has done. I mean it. They birth men and more women, take care of animals, all so that we can beg for more. How can a thing be so evil by doing so many good things? It is corruption.

That was the thing. Notice I said I was asleep, well- in bed, early? All of this is the kind of thing that makes you lose faith in the entire universe-- or at least an entire universe of things. The only thing you can do is try to fall asleep. That's probably the only way to escape. Of course, since it comes to mind, death won't be a way to escape this type of universe. Death is actually a part of it. All that can be done is several, temporary escapes.

Well, who could this all be directed from? The source of this type of realization? Don't worry about it. Even me writing anything is actually just a dormant sacrificial animal that I give up in order to flag down some woman's appreciation. That's something I studied from them, firsthand. Any mention of long-term "sustaining from doing a certain thing" is actually just a dormant begging of doing so.

So, you can see I know that there's nothing I can do, so far. I'm not completely irate with anyone, and the only thing I can expand upon is myself and what I'm thinking. I just got the "tower" card. What Tupac said, too. I just have to keep an eye out for myself. These people might just be aiming to hurt, but hey why not?

Ok, eject please.

I wonder if this day has happened, yet

Kind Of Finally

I probably sent myself to the wrong place. I am sort of panicky because eh.

As long as I get the things I need to do done?

Literally just number one.

Meanwhile

Trying to get that whole thing going... Er

Checklist of things I told myself I wouldn't do. I bet someone "likes this." This is real, though. "Sounds redundant and tempting." Right. Mostly over with, though. It'd have to be a small list, some times. I'm probably one of those times. Wait, but this is "told myself" so that limits it even further. You can't hold yourself accountable for not doing things you would not do even if you were able to know that you could make a conscious decision about whether or not to have done it.

Just got the idea: "there will be a time where I will only know then what I know now."

This ought to be a note to myself. These are things I had been meaning to talk to myself about. "hahahaha" Not really, though. I want to go to the movies. I want to regret it, though. There are things I'd like to say, but it just won't work because it's an open net of different optic fibrous possibilities in which to catch any possible, excitable concept I'd think to say. That's what.

Also: "one moment of reality, ruining months of imagination."

Meaningless, unhonestly, but something familiar. We know what we mean. You know it. I'd hate to take that "trip" though.

I guess it applies to any of the common theme of the year, thus far. "Thus" on purpose. He only wants anything to do with us because he thought we filmed a lot. She only likes anything about us because she thought we did drugs. He only seems interested because he thought we all drew. They all must assume we're up to no good. I'm just perplexed by any indication of a double chin.

Alright, a phone call to make. It was good, though. Months concluding because of a payment plan. Closest ever, to a stream of consciousness. Being quoted, mostly.

Oh yeah, quitting. Having to come up with cover stories, just in case. Well, one things is for sure. The whole publishing right thing. Italians.

Give.

Here.

An Entire Year

It has been a year since we had performed on stage. Our own show. An amazing accomplishment, really. How ridiculous. Cool Winners and MC MassMurder. What a difference between then and now.

Agh, what a disappointment. We haven't made the same efforts to try to do it, again. Fide won't even be here to watch, or film, the next one. He can't stand around and solicit the dvd with the old "excuse me, sir. would you like to buy a dvd of tonight's performance?" That was one part of one of the plans.

Today, once again, I've gotten to that point where I realize that we have done nothing. I mean, last night, I finally got to hang out with Matthew. He always ends up being a rare find. He always ends up being that breath of fresh air. After talking, I remember, of course. We're all just... all of us. You can tell.

Well, what is keeping us from just being that thing? What is it that we're trying to be? I actually convinced myself that there's twelve others because of that movie. I should shake that one off, though. And why is it impossible to get each of us in the same room? We must be sort of cowardly, then. We do all of these things, and if not, then we still.. agh. Ok, fine, the one other thing is that same force that forces us not to even promote ourselves correctly. It must be that same force that causes me not to impress.

Whatever. I just wish that I could actually manifest what the heck I see things as. It's all just some fable. Feels kind of blind, though.

He

Isn't It

No because something is strangling me, I assume. Swollen things.. tonsils and those other things, I think. Terror again. Yeah, it's official, though. Been in bed for 4 days, and I have a potential one day left.

Routine type of thing. Wake up, congested far beyond the stars' comprehension, work on that for a while. Over the counter. sleep for a little bit more. Congest, again. Over the counter and prescription. Sit up. Blah. Then, it repeats, ending in a PM pain reliever. The fact that this is all 100% kosher, no matter what. I'm not ok with it, but it's fine by me.

I don't think I can speak though. Ha, careful what you "wish wish wish" froar.

Haunt Brigade.

Tonsillitis

Fevers

What a terrible headache, on top. I woke up, covered in sweat. This fever is awful. In bed for two days. This doesn't happen to me. I like how it reminds me of when it did happen to me, when I was little. Horrible.

It's June 1st. That freaks me out, somewhat. My birthday is coming up, soon. I have never been this passive about my birthday. Apparently, Tash put in my 2 weeks. She got me in this situation, without my knowing, and she's getting me out the same way, I suppose. Still, I guess it's better to have an impulsive decision be made for you... than to.. spend two sick days... not making a decision? The door.

Alright, quickly quickly. All the things in the past couple of weeks that could have made me sick...again. Bee sting? Well, I mean, that slight fever I had before the sting kind of proves that wrong. I kind of just want to impress folks with all of these tiny ailments I've been getting... Eh.

Probably confusion. These topics. I actually can't sit or lay in one place, though. Even if the grammar. Oh yeah.. Renaissance Festival, hah. Past, though.

How long has it been, kind of? When, too? Delusion, for a moment. Oh yeah, wasting free time, again. Should read some quotes. Nah. Tired of quotes. I need to step, outside, though. Plus, there's that pending lawsuit.

Cycle

Blister

First of all, I probably won't make it if my feet are the things trying to get me there. I applaud them, but it's my fault. I didn't think being barefoot in the city would actually do that much. Then, I guess I haven't acknowledged that the weather might be getting hot, soon.

So, I went to the Marietta graduation. A replica of last year's, I bet. This was Saturday, a full day. No idea how long ago it was, now. I went there, in a useless shirt, and watched. I took a peek at some folks, but I eventually hurried off to a pretty good breakfast. From there, I went to Grant's little graduation thing that "the proud mamas" put together. I was anxious because I had to leave there, even sooner than the other things. Still, after all of that, I was incredibly anxious about "some big party" that I was going to....

I can still feel it, though. Questions raised in the past year meeting circumstances and settings of this year, so far. Once I realized that I was all by myself, in this, I had no choice but to mention that it's another "this group doesn't make any sense." These people know each other, but they're not supposed to meet. I mean, I would love for everyone to meet, but not like this. People from this year, mentioning ironic folks to people who have been the subject of conversations for a long time. It may as well be selfish that that's what I'm focusing on. It's just that I feel that I was entirely alone. Especially because no one reacted to my outrage. You'd have to be dead in order to ignore outrage like that. I'm surprised the guy next to me, wasn't dead yet. I guess he just had to stick it out for my own personal season finale. I was really hoping it'd be a series finale, though. Too much for one period of time, maybe.

I must not mean what I am saying, here, but, it was right for it not to be a "party." It was what I came there for. It was answers. Of course, when you find out enough answers, the questions get scrambled. I guess both ends can't be tightened in one night. So, from there, I have to continue. I am sorry that, as a result, I refused to meet anybody new afterward. I just don't want some new person walking around throwing in some hidden ironies for me to collectively research. What does it matter, though? People buying houses? That's unheard of. People selling houses? That's going to begin to make my skin crawl.

What is the use? The longer people have to stare at your elbows, under your sleeve, the more they realize that you're only alive. Those people are there to lift, and their elbows are shame. I want my elbows to be seen from above, as under my arm.

Either way, I left that place feeling that stomach ache you get when you kind of watch a person die. I think I might have done exactly that. Watching, I mean. The last time I felt like that, I subsequently watched a car burning, casually. My only problem is the fact that everyone may just feel the same. All of the time. If anyone does react to anything, then they'd all have to. Except, I feel betrayed that people can repeat things that I am thinking but have no legitimacy in their presentation. By saying that, people know exactly what I mean. The ones that don't claim to be confused, of course. Still, if these are all repeated words, then why is there a flux between high and low? Must be nonsense.

I completely forget I have a family.

I guess you have to kind of be aware. You might have to be aware of the world spinning, of course. That theory. In addition to the fact that you have a throat that opens and closes every once in a while. You'll have to be aware of spiders hanging around, hunger, and that glass might be made of sand. Think about your spouse and children, whether or not you have them. Think about your friends, whether or not they exist. Then, think about how some people are 100% set on thinking about reproductive organs. All together, your thoughts will thank you, and you might get something. I don't know.

When I got home, I literally couldn't imagine doing anything but sitting and staring. How was it not the end? Alright. Not to mention the horrifying ironies that proved that is wasn't over. I mean, I might have to do something on the verge of a publicity stunt, just to prove some things for myself. That's the best way I could put it, for that moment.

I absolutely have to go.