Well, at least one of us is fired from a job.

Monday, July 26, 2010


It's actually very astonishing. I can... speak volumes, I'm sure, and not even once mention anything in my life that might involve.. well you know, the personal stuff. What happened to the public-personal relationship I was headed for? Er, you know, nothing secret. Well nothing is secret, I guess, is the problem. Yeah, actually. I guess if you're not going to have secrets, you had better not want to have secrets. Fine. I guess I have "secrets". Fine. I guess I am regular. Whoa.

So, you're saying... not being outstanding was just a way to hold off until you were allowed to be outstanding? No good. You can't necessarily dig yourself out of that. Quick, be outstanding! Hold on. See? Hesitation. I guess you have to be in a realm of past and present in terms of completing... goals.

Though. The problem cannot be a question of whether or not I am outstanding. Of course.. I'm apparently "esoteric". Of course I had to look it up. Known by a select few, right? A select few are able to see me as outstanding. On top of that few, are the ones who are interested. They give up, easily. The majority give up, instantly. So, when I'm ready.. fine.

I should definitely stop with the delusions, though. I should either get someone to listen to all of it, or hell. Someone needs to be able to listen, without jumping to conclusions. I know for fact that it makes a great story, but I... There was something that was on tv... oh yeah.. that woman who can talk backwards.. She didn't know that it wasn't "normal" until it came up, one day. That's what I want to see. I want to see if my stories sound familiar. Hm. He's torn.

Other than that, yeah. Career changes. I need to cool down. May need to travel. Imagine how good it'd be to see very unfamiliar people, who can know nothing of your previous travels. As if you'd tell them. To think.. a change of scenery and all of this could have just been some dream. Hah. You've been escaped, all along! Agh, but not for long. Eventually someone is going to ask you to speak up. There's something to you. So, you say almost too little.. and it get's everybody all panicky. Damn it.


Oh. Dream. Yeah, after I had trouble getting to sleep, after shouting the word "chemicals" over and over again... I dreamt that I was driving. I was driving and I was the only one to see a flaming white helicopter coming close to the ground. Right next to where that Chic-Fil-A billboard would be, over the bridge. I guess because I was the only one who could see it, I was the only one who could maintain myself on the road. Huge disaster. Cars freaking out, me going steady. Eventually, I end up at some... safe house or party... I think I talked to a bunch of people about it, and I tried to let everyone know that I was the only one to actually see it happen. Not sure if a lot of the folks cared. Fine, though. The house was kind of like how you can imagine the rest of the house from Married With Children to look. Regular young guy with medium brown hair, holding a drink. Heh. Something else good happened, but still... I never have dreams with fire or destruction. I knew I'd dream though. Another 'pro' to a horrible thing.

Then, I think I visited Justin, somehow. He was just on a hotel bed. On the phone. That's kind of all. Not sure. Hah. I never really see folks like that, in dreams. Well, see. Not Justin, at least. Makes me want to dream of my other cast of characters. Ah well.

Ohhh yeah. I remember waking up and describing my "perfect girl" for some reason. I actually sat up, and counted specific qualities with my fingers.. It was, of course, a delusional type of specific. Delusional specifics. Like how also before sleeping, I thought of a "spectrum of vulgarity". In addition to a "roulette of..." I don't think I finished that one. One of those last thoughts before bed, where you sum up the world for the night. Never lasts.


Sunday, July 25, 2010


Brain activity. Let's try for it.
I'm noticing. The common theme for this episode seems to be the whole "escape from reality" thing. Hm. You could convince yourself that it's always the common theme. I assure you, it's not.

The people who end up looking for escapes always end up looking for escapes.
Variation, at the very least. People do, unfortunately, look to me for an escape. I don't tell them, but I let them know that there's just about nothing I can do.

At the risk of situational hypocrisy, I won't admit anything else. I'm just formulating different ways to consider yourself "escaped".

"Alright, you can visit my imagination, but it's gonna cost you... the ultimate sacrifice.. :/" Implying that, if you go, you have to stay. Either that, or you can visit now, but your previous afterlife choices are now void.

Ah well.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


As in- I'll take a crack at it. I kind of see eye to eye with the plain man that I had always kind of saw myself as. I see myself in the same position of two unrelated men that I imagine to be foil characters. Not necessarily busy, but not necessarily satisfied. They still have bite.

I had felt a calm state of "normal" for a majority of Tuesday. So very calm. I wasn't feeling any corruption or frenzy going on. I actually understood "relax". There was a simplicity. There was no need for any outrageous words. Words are critical. They're only critical.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


Yeah, it's not like me. Almost awake for 24 hours, after a 4 sleep. At this point, I don't even realize if there's any reasoning behind sharing that fact. Er, not reasoning. Legitimacy or something.

Sooner than I thought, I noticed I had been on the phone for 2 hours and 45 minutes. I was breaking down all of the meaning and reactions behind I Am Not An Animal. "Full circle" was designated to describe the explanations. Abuh. Music is weird right now. Not my vocabulary. One day I'll grow up enough to leave that sentence without explanation. Oh wait, unrelated musics, though. Yeah a lot of "gold" for some reason. Funny because as I typed "gold," I was startled to hear it in my headphones. No idea what the gold is for. Oh yeah. Golden Poop.

"Poop" is the golden word. I had forsaken the importance of the word "poop". I ashamed. People still associate me with the word, though. Wait, it's gold for another reason, now.

Ok, last night, animal kingdom. I merked. Yeah, sure.

Oh yeah, lot of Pandora references looming. I can't extract it. Er, what if Pandora's box was someone's "dream box" and they had a lot of nightmares Not suggesting originality, though. Yeah, I'm not in shape. Though I don't mean physically, I feel no need to assert the clarification.


Monday, July 12, 2010


Yeah, I finally went cuckoo. I know, I know. No proof. That's fine. It's probably just a bodily function, then. I'm just wondering how many jokes I'd make about myself once I was declared a loon. I continue to claim to not have anything to do with the whole "insanity" craze, but that's kind of a tough one to shake off. I can picture my eyes literally opening up to the fact that I actually do nothing more than confuse folks. I actually do "take the long way around things". So, I mean. I need to calm down. Not "who's to say what's normal?" or anything, but I need to stop stopping in the middle of everything I say. Do I need to stop?

I've just been going back to that phase of getting confused and terrified by regular people. Yeah the whole "people aren't real" thing, but yes regular people. I just get the feeling that people are just being hardcore versions of people. Laughing and enjoying things- no I am not "disgusted" like it sounds, but I really really really feel uncomfortable. I am really really really convinced that everything is set up. Now, I know my limits. I know that I am able to steadily believe that "people don't exist" and "most people are fake" and "some people are background characters" and "aw, I love people" and "hate 'em" and "hey" and "some people are bad some people are good some people are smart and some are dumb" all at the same time, and it all makes sense... but now I actually feel all these things at once...? Agh. No. I'm not trusting anything. Yeah, it's got to be a chemical thing.

This may be the first time that vacation will actually do me good. I think I now know how to be ok with not working on something. Heh. Contradiction: it's 5 am. I'm clearly not satisfied. It's clear that there's something going on in my system. It's also probably the cause. I already know what may just be the cure.

Earlier, I sat and tried to perfect my miniature "bio". Heh. "About Me." Not here, though. The public one. That's another thing that's been kind of making me uneasy. The fact that I was even re-writing it was just not legitimate. I was actually trying to write about myself. To compete. I basically wrote it, about 5 times. I beginning to obsess. I thought about how I inherited a need to get everyone I ever met, together. I wanted to keep in a part about how I accidentally help people. I listed words that I have been described as. I tried to insist that I need the opposite of an ego boost. Then, I realized... Since when do I describe myself? I am revealing the "secret". I'm thinking two things at the same time. Of course, I'm not trying to have a bunch of questions asked about me... well actually yeah I'd prefer that to just being plain wondered about. Fine, never mind those. What I ended up saying was something about how anything that I begin to say that might be "personal" I just turn into nonsense. Then that just makes me "interesting". It's ridiculous. All by accident. All entanglement.

Actually had a conversation, in a dire moment. Heh, I sat to a meal in a fast-food restaurant by myself. I lost it because this was my actual visual manifestation of somebody who has given up completely. I cringe at the sight of a lonely middle-aged woman eating a sandwich. That is my personal ultimate horror. Later I found out that the man who was sitting behind me was actually basically insane. You know... yelling at folks. Still, when I left I just happened to see, heh, Zane. That's as far as I'll go. His full name just drove me even more mad because of a certain character in a book. We talked, more than I expected. Just like all of my other friends, he has had time to think. Ugh. No way these words were coming out of his mouth. I've had this conversation with each of my close friends. It's always new.

I mean. I am actually getting "blind-sighted" by stupid little things. If you're on my side, don't get offended by what he said- "you seem like a college guy who likes to hang out and party, but when you go home you probably write poetry and cut yourself." I literally had to jump up and scream when he said that because it's kind of true. For someone who has just met me at this point in time, yeah. I couldn't figure out the "cut" part, but it actually put the rest of the statement in some "real life" package. This is how I must seem. That's not so good. That's the story of my life. New Year's Day, I'm optimistic and I try to reason with situations and I have faith in people. The moment after my birthday, I distrust people and I don't believe in situations.

So this year, I was just knowingly a ridiculous trying-to-impress "interesting" man. One of the things that you become out of shear avoidance. Now, I am just a wacko. Great. All of that. Then just this.

Oh yeah, I forgot. Situations where I am sure that no one ever has a problem with. They seem freshly complicated. Grant's family still has my camera, and he's in Brazil. I was supposed to get it from him before he left, but then he said his dad would drop it off with me. Fine. Apparently they still need it. I'll let them borrow it for a bit longer. I have no idea why, but I can't fathom any response to any...anything. I don't get it. I literally don't understand what any of that means. Plus, there's a public information problem that I literally do not.. ugh. This is new, I've never been able to not understand...not remember... It actually "hurts"... like something inside me is being given an "indian burn" er whatever. You know. Wringing. I feel dried up.

I'll just rest. No, wait.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

It's actually only my second night using this pillow. Haunting. I'm a mess.

Sunday, July 4, 2010


Alright, so I'm sure I did some intense dreaming last night. I mean. I left messages on answering machines, a lot. Ate.

It's just been the whole reality/not reality thing, again. Plus, I might be losing my mask of legitimacy. I'm less impressive, in person. I've earned the right to admit to it. When you're thinking exactly the same thing as someone else.. eh, competition. It's not bad.

Ha, I'm missing out on some celebration. Oh right, that's what I needed to do. I needed to go down stairs and get my phone. I know. Those are where my plans are. I just kind of wonder if these material plans help out, any. Calling them that. Still.

As fast as possible, though, just to prove that I can. Ok, quick. What am I thinking? Uh, well, I'm impressive :). I'm thinking impressive. Must be impressive. "I'm Tom Cruise, I'm Tom Cruise..." Not I, of course. All I have to do is look in the mirror and remember that I'm me. I'm literally just me, the poor bastard. Good work, kid.

Now, I have to catch up with time. It's another case of writing what you're doing right now to the point of having written what you have to do after it all. Nevermind.

This is kind of how I do it, but oh yeah. My thing right now, is how people seriously think that I'm being "rondom" yeah "rondom." Crumb! I'm speaking about a subject that should only bother the 14 year old version of myself. See. The Past, I forgot to mention that whole episode. Sorry. It's ok, I just don't trust too much.

My younger self worked pretty well. Compatibility. Sour.



About Me

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Well, as far as I can tell.. I am a man now, but like... I am a guy who thinks he has like good morals and virtues or something but also thinking those are stupid therefore coming off as a bad prick rather than a good prick.