Well, at least one of us is fired from a job.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Before I Hurl

Oh boy. ha. "Oh boy".

Ohh boy. literally responding with "oh boy" to each thing I see, at this moment. Brain overloaded for a moment. Same as last week. Remedy is to stay up, writing junk. Last time, I came up with some ridiculous graphic organizer about how the same story can be told in an endless amount of ways. Because I'm thinking about some absurdities, but I'm getting worn out because they're all also good ideas.

Ok. I need to sit. Lay. I need to run somewhere, fast!

Before I h-

Sunday, October 17, 2010


Alright, so an update on the hospital junk is in order, right? Well, yes, my dad is doing fine. Nick is in the hospital though. Blood clot in lung. Hrmph.

Well, yesterday. Too many things, really. Should have visited my dad, somehow. Should have watched the Little 5 Halloween parade. Should have met my friends at the air show. No progress made, in the least. Eh, those are days when I end up stacking more responsibilities. Not taking advantage of too many things to do becomes free time which becomes more things to do. I'm just waiting for myself to get stressed out, which I thought couldn't possibly happen but there's a chance it could sneak up on me. It can end up "people do that all the time, and they actually do stuff for a living," insulting the fact that I am not doing crappy physical labor or it can just be the fact that maybe my steady-yet-straying attention span won't allow it. You know. Because I am constantly paying attention to a lot of things. Hell, i don't know.

Whoop, a hospital pic of my dad just appeared. Heh. Weird to see. I'm actually just waiting for this to be over with. All people can do about family in the hospital.. gah. Gloating. That's despicable. I don't care who thinks I'm not doing anything to support. I am. This is what I would do in this situation. Let's face it. No telling what it says about me. Still, I know my dad knows better than those others who are blowing it out of pr... you know what, forget it. It's only going to sound like I'm aggravated. This is like one of those things famous people do on reality shows. Complaining about exploitation or feigning sympathy. I won't. No use in complaining about what people actually do. I mean, you can tell yourself it's a plot device and all that crap, you can tell yourself that's just how some people are, or you can tell yourself it's a difference between: men and women, feelers and thinkers, or intellect. Whatever. It's only going to top off my latest confusion about how many ridiculous opinions there are in the world. Er, the opinions themselves are never really ridiculous, but that fact that there is no "the" thing. No one wins, actually. Hm.

How I react in situations merely becomes "sit and watch". Mreh. So, I really just want to say that everything I do is a sterile reaction to the world. Really. Really. I have to be purely reacting the way things show up. The way they appear. It has to be. I mean, this is really not an opinion about myself in the world. It is what it actually is. As long as it doesn't look like I'm singling myself out for some stupid self-centered approval. Like, you get to a certain point after you've heard loads of things and thought lots of ways where you just keep talking despite all the ways you'd have to be contradicting yourself.

Hell, whatever. I'm fine. Oh wait, other folks are in pain.

Friday, October 15, 2010

At Least

Ah, erm. I wanted to say something about not being allowed to brag about my own personality traits, or something. Hold up, my leg is bouncing up and down while my arm iss resting on itt. I'm typing. Yeah I mean, half of me is thinking that the pressure should be on. Most of me agrees that things are going ok. Things are going according to plan, I suppose. Then comes the unplanned. Heh, my dad is in the hospital right now, after a car accident. Of course, I am unable to head to Atlanta to visit him. I'm just not sure about how I am reacting. I am sure that anything I can say right now, about this situation, would be considered exploitation. To myself, at least. Ok, let me just say that this is an example of me thinking rather than feeling. If we can put aside the severity of the problem, I just want to reflect on this aspect... Well, I don't know.. People that are motivated by feelings, are they the ones who announce to the world this type of stuff? This is going to be a hard thought-process to untangle, though.

No feelings happen when I get news like this, which cannot be a bad thing, but if they did... what would they be? Worry vs. Concern... What am I doing right now? What should I be doing right now? I am at ease, for the most part. I just don't know if I should be. My left leg is shaking, and that is all. The same leg was shaking around this time, last year. I was just writing a story and I noticed the things that must be on my mind right now. Once again, the news has found its way into my thoughts. Yesterday was the first I had even heard of those miners in Chile. That aggravated me, at first. Some news story that I didn't even know about, having an almost ineffective outcome. Comedians had to break that piece of news to me. Why am I hearing this story, and why will it be in my subconscious for a while? I guess the story was irrelevant to me, until now. I won't explain why.

Let's try it this way. I woke up at eleven, and was alert by 11:30. Today, I had plans for me to: message two people about my phone number, finish my financial aid thing, and call Hank and my dad. The only thing I did not do was call Hank. I held off on breakfast because I really was not in the mood to give that soy milk another chance. Right. I called my dad, and he didn't answer the first time. I was still in bed. A minute later, he called me back. He seemed to just be waking up, too. Apparently, this was his day off from his new job. He told me that it was a good thing that they gave him a day off because he was feeling a little bit sick. It's flu season, I suppose. It was a short phone call, but he said he would get in touch Saturday. So, my day started. I showered and turned on my computer monitor to see that I had set aside some videos for me to edit today. I guess I edited two, and looked through the rest. Meanwhile, it was my mom who was finishing up my financial aid for me. I didn't expect that at all. Somewhere along the way, I guess the video editing did cut into the afternoon. Not sure if I remember where the time went today.

It was evening, and in a rare occasion, I sat on the couch and watched tv. Actually, I had been encouraging myself to watch tv more often in order to keep myself aware of the ways that shows are written and stuff. I was watching Seinfeld, when I got a call from my dad's phone number. When I answered, I heard my dad's friend. She told me that he was in the hospital after a car accident. In hindsight, this reaction is familiar. I'll try not to keep that in mind. But see, all I can think about is exploitation. How do people react to others when they are in pain? I'm sorry, but if I say what is actually going on in my head, then..

Every thought is going through my head. The hilarity, the horror, the satire, the honesty, the memories, the news, the stories, the offense, the defense, the ugly, and whatever the opposites to all those things are. And more. I was already thinking these things, though. It's a paradox because none of this is caused by hearing that my dad is in intensive care, and it is at the same time. Was I already going to talk about something? Was I already planning to talk about my weekend? Will I forget the weekend completely? Hah, it's officially Friday. When did my weekend end? What am I allowed to be thinking about? Should I be concentrating on getting to hospital to visit my dad? Should I be thinking about things to cover that whole thing up?
Current Mood: Waiting.
Let's be honest, I'll do the family thing and "keep him in my prayers," at the very least. I guess all that is really on anyone's mind at the minute, though, is get-rich-quick. Nothing unexpected, just really amplified to me.. you know, besides this entry's main concern and due to loss of interest in certain other folks. I was really wanting to write about how I have over 14 things that I am working on. I already did that, kinda. It was just going to be about me being slick about the fact that I am able to handle various things with no problem. Then I was going to have the realization that I am not even actively working on those things. That's out of the question, I guess. Now, all I can think is "well, my dad's in the hospital" when I'm trying to maintain focus on this keyboard. That quote is really a balancing act. I'm imagining that I really should not imagine anything too far to the right of that statement. If anything, I'll lean more to the left. On the left, are the good thoughts. Alright, fine. I can't even remember what mental disorder that is. Doesn't matter though.

Yeah, too many things at once. Too many thoughts at once, rather. I know I am not in denial, (don't speak in absolutes) and I know that at the very back of my mind I really just want to mention an episode of King of the Hill that I just watched. Nothing really, just the fact that Bobby was in "the hole" at the military camp, er academy thing that he was sent to. Chile, again. The story I was just writing, again. "Keep him in your prayers," again. The right side.

At the end, I guess there's no use in worrying about others exploiting emotions when they feel more than they think. It all comes back to personality types. Thinkers and feelers. It also comes back to that Stephen King interview I just read. He mentioned something hypothetical about getting into a car accident and thinking "this is just like the movies" rather than being worried about his safety. I'll admit, my heart just skipped when my eyes moved from the name Stephen King up to where I had written King of the Hill, but ah well. Connecting things. I'll ignore it if I have to. As of now, I still haven't read anything by the man. Just about him. It's almost like when I started listening to Frank Zappa. I just read his quotes. Then came the 3 discs of music. Eh, whatever. Wish I could stick to one topic, though. Also, my aunt thinks that my dad might have blacked out before the accident because my dad's friend said he hadn't eaten before then. Could also be the flu. Or any other sickness that would be going around. At the end of it all, it's probably just more exploitation.

I can't even tell where I am thinking.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


It's about that time again. Female blood feast.

Yeah, I am barely writing, though. Feels like, if I look out the window I'll see the rest of the world in some huge street fight. Won't, though. Just seems like a bunch of horrid imagery is going on.. folks outside, ballroom dancing and burning junk.

I don't feel safe, really. It's not one of those cozy kinds of cold weathers.

Feels like everything is in spite of. Like. Well, I'm not saying anything is changed or same-old because those are ridiculous to say about any periods of time. We already know it. I'm not planning on saying anything new, don't worry.

It's just the most recent time it has become October. or Fall. or. Horrid. Can't even tell if I have an opinion on whether or not I like the cold. Too many opinions.

That's exactly the thing.

It's one of those stand-stills where you've heard every opinion about a certain thing, and at the end of all, you just think, "well, damn". Knowing every way to see things [subject to change] just kinda ruins anything else.

I was having fun pretending folks weren't real. Can't I just have fun?

I was having an ok time pretending I was going to make it, in the end.

I was just a kid pretending to be a hero that he saw on tv, or something.

That's just fun as hell.

And if a way to see the world is going to be the thing to stop it, even for a second of time, then.. I'd rather just watch. What?

People are just lookng for reasons to be warm right now. I guess I'm fighting it. I guess I always was. You know, I don't write.

I guess once you play chess, and compare the pieces to your morals and all that crap, you realize what folks were talking about.. I mean, as simple as "references to chess". Game of chess. Gave up all my important pieces, though. Just how I am with games. Hm.

[no idea why i didn't continue this, but oops.]

Monday, October 4, 2010

Brain drain

Friday, October 1, 2010


Yeah, well, it's October.
Another shame for me, though. Today, I mean.
Still, it sets the tone. I'm not all crash landing on whether or not Fall is coming.
It's alright.

Change of mood, here. It's nice, now. Maybe the music. Female singers. Like, when it's ok.
Did I do anything today? That's got to be the ultimate question. I'm betting, in the end of that type of phase, the answer some how ends up "it doesn't matter". It's all just like that little magnetic wheel gadget. It's just as fun to make it go up as it is to make it go down. Yeah. Yeahh. Feels good.

Oop. Sucks. Ah well. Oh that's right. Turns out that I overlooked something. Nah, I won't worry. Kind of a shame, actually. I need to be disappointed. Not really, I don't feel that way.

Yeah, I've got nothing to say.
And I'm not just saying that I've got nothing to day.
Because I don't have nothing to say. Thinking and feeling.
If only someone was devoted to my language.



About Me

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Well, as far as I can tell.. I am a man now, but like... I am a guy who thinks he has like good morals and virtues or something but also thinking those are stupid therefore coming off as a bad prick rather than a good prick.