I got out of it, fine. Just noticing folks aware of the fact that I was already completely gone and I still had 8 hours ahead. I also tried to hide in my imagination today. Literally, for good reason. I was trying to get a head start on writing Dait-A-Base. Actual symptoms of worry. Disciplined against worry, so this is something else.
Going to sleep was weird last night, though. It was a mix of "oh crap, I should delete that before anyone else sees it" mixed with "oh my god no, that's complete impossible" kind of. I think today was one of those days where everyone feels the exact same as everyone else. I didn't understand why I was involved. Hate to admit how "zombie" appeared in multiple unlikely situations. Also a period of time, where I feel almost "nerdy" I guess, for the things I'm saying. I honestly can't help the fact that science fiction ideals of my life are constantly in my head. Except, what I'm thinking has to be legit. I just mean the whole coincidentals, and intangibility.
What I am thinking. Legitimacy, Illegitimacy, Exactly, Mutual Friends, Coincidences, dreams, Stability, Disgust, Time, and something more than Exactly. Whether or not I am legitimately thinking those things for my own reasons. Agh, how to fit in life after high school. That's what we're all thinking. This other group. Not house-buyers anymore. Actually exactly that. The house-buyers are separate. Driven by what has to drive them. The things you think when you're 17 vs. the things you think when you're 18. Both halves of both ages too. Right, my to-do list.
How do I get to just be me, Me I mean. Not "being myself :)" but, how do I do that thing? I have a lot of personal studies to accomplish, then. I'd need to do every tiny detail. In the right order. Either that or discover that expression of one's self is wrong. If it is wrong to keep track of every single detail, just to be entertained by the past. If it is wrong to shell out these things that are actually that much more entertaining and interesting than what has ever come out. I've already disciplined myself to the point of refraining from talking about anything that might accidentally impress anyone. I mean, avoided impressing anyone. At a point, I thought impressing was wrong. So, what do I know?
The goal of us House-Buyers may just be to become an Arranger. They're all stages. Not phases. When you're confused and you want to just "that's what I'll do, I'll save us all and I'll keep us in a big house so we can do what we want." A House-Buyer. But when you're stuck in all this gross House-Buying...if you find your way out of that being your concentration, you just need to Arrange something. Pull the strings. "I'm glad about arrangements." I'm not listing any hierarchy, but oh well, who is going to read this the same why I typed it? We find each other as House-Buyers. Whichever stage is before that. Hm, the cell that reproduces. Everyone has thought the way of the before-hand stage. Thought, only. I know I did that stage. I was it. Not a thought of social anxiety, which I had to learn along the way. Not a thought of "gotta work two jobs and go back to school." No influence. What alone will do for you.
I disagree again.
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