Wild

It's actually very astonishing. I can... speak volumes, I'm sure, and not even once mention anything in my life that might involve.. well you know, the personal stuff. What happened to the public-personal relationship I was headed for? Er, you know, nothing secret. Well nothing is secret, I guess, is the problem. Yeah, actually. I guess if you're not going to have secrets, you had better not want to have secrets. Fine. I guess I have "secrets". Fine. I guess I am regular. Whoa.

So, you're saying... not being outstanding was just a way to hold off until you were allowed to be outstanding? No good. You can't necessarily dig yourself out of that. Quick, be outstanding! Hold on. See? Hesitation. I guess you have to be in a realm of past and present in terms of completing... goals.

Though. The problem cannot be a question of whether or not I am outstanding. Of course.. I'm apparently "esoteric". Of course I had to look it up. Known by a select few, right? A select few are able to see me as outstanding. On top of that few, are the ones who are interested. They give up, easily. The majority give up, instantly. So, when I'm ready.. fine.

I should definitely stop with the delusions, though. I should either get someone to listen to all of it, or hell. Someone needs to be able to listen, without jumping to conclusions. I know for fact that it makes a great story, but I... There was something that was on tv... oh yeah.. that woman who can talk backwards.. She didn't know that it wasn't "normal" until it came up, one day. That's what I want to see. I want to see if my stories sound familiar. Hm. He's torn.

Other than that, yeah. Career changes. I need to cool down. May need to travel. Imagine how good it'd be to see very unfamiliar people, who can know nothing of your previous travels. As if you'd tell them. To think.. a change of scenery and all of this could have just been some dream. Hah. You've been escaped, all along! Agh, but not for long. Eventually someone is going to ask you to speak up. There's something to you. So, you say almost too little.. and it get's everybody all panicky. Damn it.

Again.


Oh. Dream. Yeah, after I had trouble getting to sleep, after shouting the word "chemicals" over and over again... I dreamt that I was driving. I was driving and I was the only one to see a flaming white helicopter coming close to the ground. Right next to where that Chic-Fil-A billboard would be, over the bridge. I guess because I was the only one who could see it, I was the only one who could maintain myself on the road. Huge disaster. Cars freaking out, me going steady. Eventually, I end up at some... safe house or party... I think I talked to a bunch of people about it, and I tried to let everyone know that I was the only one to actually see it happen. Not sure if a lot of the folks cared. Fine, though. The house was kind of like how you can imagine the rest of the house from Married With Children to look. Regular young guy with medium brown hair, holding a drink. Heh. Something else good happened, but still... I never have dreams with fire or destruction. I knew I'd dream though. Another 'pro' to a horrible thing.

Then, I think I visited Justin, somehow. He was just on a hotel bed. On the phone. That's kind of all. Not sure. Hah. I never really see folks like that, in dreams. Well, see. Not Justin, at least. Makes me want to dream of my other cast of characters. Ah well.

Ohhh yeah. I remember waking up and describing my "perfect girl" for some reason. I actually sat up, and counted specific qualities with my fingers.. It was, of course, a delusional type of specific. Delusional specifics. Like how also before sleeping, I thought of a "spectrum of vulgarity". In addition to a "roulette of..." I don't think I finished that one. One of those last thoughts before bed, where you sum up the world for the night. Never lasts.

Well.