And now the situation is that I am in State College, Pennsylvania. When I tell people that this is where I've been, some of them are going to wonder what it was like up here. I wonder if, like Indianapolis, I'm just going to say I didn't go out a lot. It wouldn't really be the case, but it reminds me that I'm fancifully kind of reaching the end in a way. I've offically been helped by all of the friends that I've considered to be the closest. In my imagination, I've unloaded the full arsenal this year; I've tactically and wastefully exhausted all of my resources in an attempt to conclude this unwinnable- again, imagined- war.
Things are fine here. So far I've been able to go to bed in a hazy, gloomy, somehow damaged mood. I mean that in a way that shows progress. I'm finally able to be somewhat comfortable enough to feel hopeless, if that makes sense. It's my first time in a college town, which is funny to watch. My first night, I was deliriously tired to a point where my head ached; I wasn't sure what to make of all I was taking in. To mark the occasion, when I finally met Justin (or Charlie), he insisted upon showing me a human skeleton that was for sale at an antique shop. That would be the only appropriate way to be introduced to a place he found himself in. This, of course, was once he'd gotten out of class after I'd been wandering around the campus for a while after the bus ride.
Everything is in place, though. That might be a problem. I've been reunited with my keyboard and I was finally able to charge my camera. I can do whatever I want. There's a decent amount of books and places to go. The condition, for some reason, is that I have to look for work in order to pay at least half of my way back to Georgia by the end of the month. It's fair enough- the ticket did look pretty pricy. I would honestly really like to, first of all. There's traces of a blinding white void creating the only apprehension I have about just doing it. In other words, any reason I have for not looking for work is made up. It, first of all, seems asinine to try to find a month-long job which of course is not reason not to find one. Then, I think, I should probably just pay him back with whatever job I get when I get back to Atlanta. Or what if I get enough money sent to me to pay for it ahead of time since the prices will be cheaper two weeks in advance? No, that seems well-intentioned but lazy. That's why I really want to have already found something. The only thing that stopped me yesterday was the fact that I didn't shave and that I was wearing a black hoodie. I was on a roll: looking everyone in the eye and smiling. I don't know if that's positive.
Always, things withheld. I'll be fine, I just don't want to do that thing where I avoid talking about what I'm doing during the day. I don't feel like I need to not be relaxed and upfront here, but this year has given me some nice little traumas. I'll do some online work at least. Everything, all around, just seems more and more futile to attempt. I halfway want to just stick my tongue out and smirk derisively at the thought of making more effort this year. I'll sit here with the cats and watch the world kinda fizzle out.
With so many ways to see things and with so many people doing so much, it's all just appropriate. I can do whatever I want. There's nothing disappointing to me about where I've ended up, and getting here has only showed me that no amount of feeling confused or just horrible will amount to the loss of my willingness to be. It's silly. It's all those things. I'll feel differently once I've fooled my way out of this non-turbulent split second. Right now, I'm calmed and cautious.
I don't feel like anything that I work on will ever be improved. The thought of new knowledge just advertises what I imagine an acute hemorrhaging to feel like. I don't claim to know what that is by any means, and it's probably an exaggeration. What I mean is that it makes me nervous to consider starting anything new because I always run out of time. No books, no projects, no long-winded lectures on something I've never heard of. I hate finding out that there's more I've never heard of. Still, I refuse that sense of scale of myself in comparison to the world. I'm fine.
I went to the grocery store, today.
Well, at least one of us is fired from a job.
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