Control

Ahh what a great night, last night. Well, that's over. Today I've just been old hermit. No, I can't tell if I'm just getting almost too particular recently. I think I might becoming choosy or whatever the better word is. Like, I actually think I got aggravated with the thought of people doing things in my room in the way that I don't usually do them. I'm getting afraid that I'm beginning to want things to go my way. I'm almost sure that what I am actually doing has nothing to do with what I'm thinking. There's no way of telling for sure, I mean. I just can't tell because it's like I'm very sure that when I am doing things, that I am doing them for my only right reason. But then the situation just turns into smleh.

Well, all last week I was doing great. I was on a roll, I was writing all types of material and that type of stuff that I do that cannot possibly be criticized or considered futile (because I am also imagining the response to my admitting to writing interesting stuff being looked at as a 'lame hobby'). And see that's just it. I wasn't thinking about this type of crap. I wasn't thinking about the negative things that exist in other universes. I wasn't thinking about universes either, for that matter. I had a clear head for the week. It was like I was headed toward a certain zone, where no one could mention drugs, paranoia, or depression (none of which pertain to me, but bother me when I realize friends are going through this type of junk). I was feeling.. heh.. I was feeling ok (can't stand the phrase "feeling good" for some reason. I claim that I don't believe that a person can do that in the sense that no one has the right to judge what "good" feels like.) and I was calm, in anticipation. Maybe I was waiting for last night. Now, I'm just letting things bother me. People talking loud. i can't tell if that's something that... heh. I don't get bothered, of course not.

Ahr. What I was saying.. Last week, I was doing good. Trying to think of specifics besides the fact that there was a point where I realized the actor Jason Segel seemed cool. I guess the 'accomplished' feeling came from the fact that all of the notebooks I write all this crap in are pretty full. Now before you have already read the words "notebooks" and "write" and already gotten halfway through this sentence, realize that these 'notebooks' are really just.. ah.. you'd really have to see them, but the main point is that they barely have anything to do with writing. So do not even associate it or me with writing. I will not disgrace these things buy calling them "idea books," either. And that's my problem, this week. Or just today, actually. I fear that I actually might just be being a control freak. See, now I'm feeling like I remember myself saying this about myself once before. Actually, hah, I might have been talking about someone else. Still, I'm trying to keep level. I guess it's the fact that because last week, absolutely everything was in my hands, and now that this is the period in which I share my ideas, I am not willing to hear anyone else's. Which is false because I am amazingly open to ideas involving the comedy team. Yep the comedy team. That's what I've been so proud of. Especially last week. That is where my mind was last week. The comedy team. Fail-safe. And now that the day I was waiting for is over, I guess I've been back to whatever. Universe A. My home world. Not the real world, just the place where I grew up. Hm. Maybe that means I need to take each Universe A time to grow up. Or maybe I distribute my grow-ups equally into each universe. So stupid, the word, but in one of these worlds I've come to believe that not a soul should be ashamed of words. And in another, I think the opposite: the whole thing about certain people ruining certain things. In some places, at some moments, no one can ruin a thing.

Back in "Real" World, there's the sound of the lyrics "I told you- no I'll never let you drag me down to hell " which fits. I only call that one "Real" just because that's the crappy one where.. ahem.. sex, drama, and drugs exist. Again, not for me- literally, honestly, and the absolute truth. Those things can get real. But they're all complete bs to me. Cool because there's no way to detach yourself from it without looking like you're-- Hell.

Still, the fact that I've clearly gotten back into talking about this stuff, and the fact that I haven't gotten over the terminology factor just kind of bothers me. That's why I was trying to ignore certain friends of mine. It would do me good, and it has nothing to do with them--oh oh-- just the fact that what they're saying is just going to make me fixate on some other realities. You know. "Drag me down to hell". And that may be the cause of the control-freak thing, as well. I'm temporarily banishing certain folks just because they're not in the same mood as I am (mostly because they haven't heard the same news that I have). They're not thinking about the same things, and that- THAT has to be the problem with long-distance relationships of any sort. They see ABSOLUTELY different things. Absolutely no way to communicate. The details have to gather. Things become less effective from farther away. "You'd just have to be there".

So, what's the deal? Is there anything upsetting me? Well, one thing I do want to get over. That awkward meeting, yesterday. Ah. And that other awkward thing. And the thing I didn't do. And the thing from 2 years ago that I reminded myself of, an hour ago. Redemption? Hah, listen, I'm actually convincing myself that you can get over any awkward situation by turning into a big.. show. Well, hell, that ol' "success is the best revenge". Hah, now that quote is going to make me think of when I told that to Fide and he just focused on the 'revenge' part. But the point, moreover, is redemption.

Ok. I hope this flows well. Actually. Ok, I'm about to just type what I'm thinking in order to help myself out so hold up. Now, if I completely cut myself off from the whole: "imaginary people," "not exist," "universes," "I act different to certain people," "I can't remember my relationship with certain people," "man, I messed up," "anger," "disappointment," and "back-up plans"... does that mean I'm also cutting myself off from actual.. er.. "inspiration" for the things.. God.. that I do? Not to mention "what is it that we do?". That didn't help at all. Wait a minute. This has absolutely nothing to do with last night. As in- this is not even the same.. ah hell, here we go.

One of the things that got me earlier. Two things, actually. Hah. Hah. There is always absolute Hell in trying to defend Kanye West. There. Simple. Let's say defending Kanye West has absolutely nothing to do with the man himself. He's only famous for the fact that he symbolizes the exact situation that I am actually trying to defend. Kind of like Obama (because I thought of Chicago). I mean, that's what "idols" are (and I mean "idols" as famous people in general) there for. They represent an intricate ideal. That's why no one is "the one famous person". You become a fan of one particular thing because that represents that situation. I actually don't care if I'm saying anything new- remember that. But I'm just saying- to defend Kanye is to defend that one ideal of "what I am doing/saying is being translated horribly wrong". Like, jumping the gun. Like, trying to lift something heavy when you haven't even considered building muscles. As in- not ready YET. As in- maybe I need to grow up- once again. Or. Maybe I'm just not wrong.

Other thing was remembering something that could have been considered insanely passive-aggressive over the summer. I mean, how often do people around here blatantly use the words "main character" in reference to real life? Ok, first things first. I'm not saying I'll ever do so, but for someone to call themselves a main character is actually justifiable. I think I'm treading over old grounds (hah) so, I won't even justify that statement- which doesn't need to be justified because it is actually a kind-hearted thing, really. It's one of those things, you know? "Importance of self" (in social situations) is just a matter of moderation. I'm fine. No new lessons. Really just an argument of how "cool" it is to hate yourself vs. how "cool" it is to hate other people. Then there is just the absolutely honest and pure reality of "I have never heard any of those words". So, I'm fine. I just want to talk about that last part with someone before I finally decide what I mean.

Those two things kind of topped off this mood of today. Finding out that no matter what, I'm still going to look like I'm saying/doing mean, untrustable things? Even if the thing I was attempting is fool-proof? Maybe it's because i forget how I look when I'm doing it. I'm just fat :(

Yo.

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Update

Yeah. Today, which is (can't stress this enough) completely not like me, I've gotten a ergh "short temper". I didn't even mention that I was getting ugh "frustrated" with the fam today. Shame that I put a negative outlook about them before I even said anything positive about how I feel about them. You know- because I don't even talk about "fam". Whoa. My God. I just said "feel"("yeah but didn't he talk about 'feeling ok' earlier?"). Ha. Hah. Actually, that just explains this entire thing. It has to just be today. So in that big old open world, I am just a nice, creative (y'all can't stress that enough) young man. Fat too! :P And once every almost-never, I can just be "man he mean"- and that'll be by complete accident. I'm a man of ideas. That's who.
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and then. whoa forgot. oh yeah. how you're not allowed to bring up anything. you're only allowed to be reviewed. I'm being cruel, I think this is making it worse. As long as no one blatantly copies what I'm saying here. I've been sucked in. 1. I wanted to ignore the 'writing' side of things (this) 2. Forcing myself to ignore is just the same as ignoring anything that isn't an internal conflict.
Bottom line- last night was fun. My friends and I went to a show. I got a free dvd.

Crazy

Last night didn't help it. One of those walks. Then comments. I was flushed into some weird bind I couldn't have possibly gotten out of. One of those things that cause a loss of sleep. I slept fine, but it didn't stop. A chance to confront the pinnacle of my current anxiety. No, I mean I actually feel weird. Like, actually having gone off the deep end. Thinking of a way to respond, thinking of every possible response. First thing this morning was about that show on the History Channel about the seven deadly sins. Envy. Explaining how a lot of stuff is just based in envy, you know? Wise enough to cut through the bs and the guilt that being engrossed would cause, I realize that Freud showed up again. Then, my mom walks in with Battleship, the board game er whatever. Two things involved in what I've been thinking lately.

We were supposed to do Twill today. I had finally tried to explain that I really have no time for Twill. It's just so stupid. It bores me, I get nothing out of it. That's not usually me, but I'm just too exhausted about it to explain. It's an exhausted idea. It's bland, and anything involving a dirt road dries me to no end. It's illegitimate and unrewarding. Like work. It is work, and anything I offer my imagination cannot be work. "It's not genuine." I am not starting a "band" and I do not want to. Not under these circumstances.

Then, Nick. His name is Nick. What the hell? I have a friend named Nick? Since when? Doesn't sound right. Still, he was to be coming into town. He was just in Florida. The relevance is just that he was also talking to me at the same time as Grant.

Both sides of my birthday. If you shave both their heads, you'd get a yin yang on the floor. Not black and white, unless you convert to grayscale. They're both speaking as if to make plans for later on. I also wanted to try for buying a camera. Options for the day. Nothing happens. Meanwhile, I'm still thinking about the fact that there are 3 other people who I do not ever see, all thinking about the same thing. Same as that author. One person having these thoughts for legitimate reasons, wondering how someone who couldn't possibly have legitimate reasoning look so genuine, the friend who is going through similar circumstances and ambiguous as to whether or not this is actually a mutual mindset. Which scares me away from the website. Anything I say may just come off as "trying to impress."

Then the word 'crazy'

Then, explaining myself. Not explaining why you're using these words. Not making any sense. Therefore, no help. It's a Friday night. Work tomorrow. How I can only think of all of the things I just said, while I am slicing a box open, and cramming packaged foods onto a shelf. Coming home, and looking at things related to what I must have been thinking about. My graduation test scores. My diploma. All of my old drawings that could not have been done by me. Thinking about how this is legitimacy. Thinking about how if I had to explain turning this into a career, all that would come up is the folks who did it for and because of admiration. Because of and for envy.

Envy vs. Inspiration. Admiration vs. Legitimacy.

When you were in a place you didn't want to be because of that mindset. When all of your friends are out doing things, whether or not you want to do them. When they can buy things you don't even want. Betraying your own beliefs- true beliefs. Regretting the betrayal of yourself. Not believing in a type of person. Follow. Realizing that you didn't believe in a type of person after experimenting with a mindset that you found because of your original mindset. See, now it's not making sense to me even.

I mean, the Windy Hill house. I ended up there because I had all these conflicting ideas about the whole college and job thing. Whatever. Ah yes. The location of this place, not only bringing the home and capability envy, but introduced me to the source of the question of the legitimacy. So both sides. Oooh, I cannot even begin to get on a steady track to explaining this. I need to get it to one final point before I can leave it alone.

I keep wondering whether or not to get a camera. Now because of the whole envy thing, I can't tell if my reasoning for getting one will be legitimate. Well hell, I got a phone out envy. And a house. Or did those things that I seemed envious of push me into getting them, therefore bettering myself? Am I being subliminally fed then need of a camera? What will I do with a camera? Use it to explain to others my ideas- aka impressing folks? Do I actually plan on making things that I want to make because I want to make them, or do I plan on making bait to attract all the crap that comes with blah. Is it so I get to have a say-so in what is filmed and what is not? Envy, again? Do I think these girls think this way because of what I happen to be reading about? What if House-Buying is just womb-envy? Am I that automaton that I wrote that essay about last year? The automaton that, instead of anyone else, I gave a connection to Eliza Doolittle?

Tupac said he recorded three songs a day- in the context of being "paranoid" about death.

Johnny Depp sees Ed Wood as a director who wasn't necessarily bad but a director who obviously wanted to get his vision out there.

Well, there it is. The challenge. If I do get a camera, I owe it to myself to make sure to do something with it every day. I mean, if it is legitimate, then shouldn't have a problem. Envy may come and go, but anything that shows up that often can't necessarily be a sin. Hm, possible burden of only making new ideas instead of working with the old. If I'm working with myself, then what about the un-used collaboration ideas. What if collaboration days are numbered? Actually limited by high school? The stupid "quote" that goes with that obviously isn't showing up in my brain. Something about not looking back. Still- If I really mean it, then I will really stick to it. As long as I don't think I'm "committing" to anything. Whatever makes sense. Sense and nonsense never betrayed anyone.

I don't know why they're speaking this language. Maybe it's a long term effect of what happens after the attached becomes detached. Chameleon. Galatea. I must admire what I created. Even if it wasn't me.

Lawlz, peac.
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“Once you have established the goals you want and the price you’re willing to pay, you can ignore the minor hurts, the opponent’s pressure and the temporary failures.” Vince Lombardi

"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." (Lao Tzu)

via the actor Edoardo Ballerini- the first one was someone else's comment, though.

Shouldent

Did a lot more moving. Called in for my next work day. I have tomorrow off. Heh, four day weekend. I go in on tuesday. Actually might take tonight to watch interviews, again. This time, about music. I can say I hear a lot of myself in this new Julian Casablancas album, in a certain way. Either that, or I'm ripping him off in that cosmic girl song I had been making. Gah, it's been months. I haven't heard my own song in months. It's like a phantom limb. Like scratching yer nuns when you don't have arms anymore.

Also got a taste of my old appreciation for the animated arts. How it's not cartooning, not film, and not comedy- but it's all yet none. Story of my ligh. It's good that I'm packing on these plans now because I owe it to myself to act on these things once I get moved in. Hah, see, basically the music video for his song. Sorry, though. I hesitated long enough. Just, how to sync it all up when you see it. All those things that get their chance to get repeated.

Probably actually a good thing to go through phases of favorites and styles, though. Genre phases, and all that. Because it gives you a chance to validly build your pallet. Er, I mean. I'm literally using the turn of phrase "build your pallet" from the wine-tasting guy who was on Conan a long time ago. Conflicts, just voice kind of surprised that I'm using these words. Devil on my shoulder? Er, that is if the whole cynic thing is actually evil. Heh. "Why not try them all?"

Oh of course. What sets this day apart from today... well that whole thing I just explained, kinda. Also my time sitting in both rooms to see which one I actually want. Hah, literally the next time I read this I will have known which room I ended up picking. It's just these days of kind of drinking these Gatorades that are stacked up at the top of the stairs, here. Ways to remember a place I don't want to remember. Also, how do I tap into that part of me that kinda feels bad anytime something good happens? Something feels unsure about right now. I guess it's the end that'll count. I have to promise myself to maintain, you know? Who know? Wait. Hey what's up. I'd have to actually have that same amount of edgy determination that I had when I made sure we were able to move into the house. I ended up saying the right things. The right convincing words. Not manipulative, though. See? Doubt.

Kind of like that Larry 3000 example of time fraying apart. The cards said I had got control of conscious and unconscious thoughts. Either that, or I was going to. Minor? Subject to change, I'll bet. It's fine. Just a lot of dignity falls through broken promise. Ok, I'm having coming up with things to have said. So I'll keep it up. Gah that entertainment business is goofy. Nah, just break it up into its two components. Entertainment? Well, see for me that just what I'd like to see. Things I'd like to see. Like, when you wake up one day and kind of want to go jogging, but you also want to record a song for yourself to jog to. So you fart it out, and go jogging the best jog you've ever done. Ok, before the second component, I want to hear another example. Hm. Ha, ok, here's one. Ever feel like you've been deprived of a childhood? No. Well, let's say you were deprived, and you never got your saturday morning cartoons. Hah, I like how this one is going. Yeah, you can sit and just create a cast of goofy superheroes that teach you lessons you probably didn't even know you knew. Yeah, but the saturday morning television angle specifically- could also probably do some campy live action rescue ranger er hah hey why not Powered Range-men?

Yeah, I see what I mean. Still feel like something is missing.. Plus I could write stories based upon book titles that I've never read. Like, how they give off the impression of something far out. Basically judging books by their cover, yet being convince that your judgment is actually what is in the book. Ok, then the business part. Yeah, I've had this conversation before. I know. Oh yeah? Nice paychecks, then. Hey. Well, I guess I have some capital now.. Hopefully. Wait, but "entertainment" was given a different spin on what it means in the context of "entertainment business." Hm, well then. Four components. Each word in half. The word in its connotation with the two word phrase, and how it benefits yourself. Though, business begins to explain itself.

Alright, well I think I've had enough. Well, I haven't. So, pace.

End of the Woro.

Alright, so I think I'm letting one trait of mine take over the rest instead of balancing it out? I've just been talking in 'life LIFE LIFE LIFE' terms. Just the ability to say "life." Ah, but to grow disgust in the ability to say words is the calling card of a cynic, kind of. In this case, it is.

We're just kind of debating the ability to be incredibly aware of the infinite amount of things without just completely losing all humanity. I don't mind. I'll disagree again later on, I'm sure.

Anyway, I could say nothing happened today. Just an incredible amount of detail that echo against other days. Or the other way around. How today and yesterday involved Chili Peps and Bittersweet Symphony. Hm, this morning seems like a long time ago because of the whole "bad rap music videos that went viral" thing. I guess that double-date went fine. I request no detail.

I talked to Grant, and we finally discussed the whole tension about all those pictures that come up, basically. No progress, probably. Anyway, I did the first step in pitching the idea of having that next 'secret' Cool Winners show at Kennesaw Mountain, as a picnic deal. I wanted to do another Graivdiggo when I was in a good mood earlier. Then I combined that with that confidential idea, which I just remembered was confidential in the first place. Not really confidential, I'll hint to it.

Then, moments later, my mood changed for the day. Ha, horoscope. I found out that Tash had gotten me a job interview at Life Grocery, tomorrow. I applied last year, and I'm actually kind of "bummed" because I actually took the time time yesterday to apply at two different places I would like to work at specifically because of the fact that they sell DVD's and music. In parallel to the last couple of conversations I've had today, I guess it'd be hypocritical of me to excitingly answer those "strongly agree" questions in those applications last night and then to just feel differently about how I'd act in a work place just because I'd have to be around vegetables instead of movies and music. Barely hypocritical, they're different things! It would be valid of me to have an entirely different appearance just because the scenery has changed.

Then of course, what I mean. Started off with the "cynicism" motif, then moved on to 'quotes' and on to just plain words. All kind of a cycle. Just be ready to explain. And repeat.

Amazing sandwiches today, though.