Ok now I'm in water
I came back from Pennsylvania just so I could make it in time for that court date. It was dismissed within moments of me arriving. Nonsense, I don't trust it. This was a few seconds ago, a few months ago.
Now, I'm in another bed. Now, I have no more travel plans. I've already lived in 3 places since then. I don't remember. I don't remember I guess. And it's not what I don't remember that I don't remember, it's what to think is what I don't remember enough about how to think.
This is enough to relieve the tension of the past, what, 4 months almost?
It's been a saturated platter of oil risen to the top and baked meat in the center. Flattery.
After having plateaued in maturity and thought, within all reason, I can only apply concepts in a manner that proves that I've never made progress in both maturity and thought.
Well someone's pregnant now. That means something. It ought to be known.
As a result, I'm probably slightly less likely to go hungry again.
The fact that famous musicians collaborate just because they're equally famous as the other musician. Especially for charity. That damned bubbly feeling of seeing favorite famous folks near each other.
When have I been genuinely inspired? Dreamself, I still has his chance to meet his queen.
Well I went to the museum today. Oh boy, finally. Feeding the ducks, yesterday, made me realize that I once had free time. Freedom, in general... I always had the best grammar.
Should anyone see my efforts and attempt to see similar significance in things? Don't care, I have to remember.
How to go about getting back into saying what I mean... I've been uttering haunting phrases to people lately in order to make casual conversation. Broken phrases under the guise of normalcy. A train passes, I call it "realistic". A glass fits in a washing machine, I call it "science". I taste a milkshake, and it's almost dessert. Nothing, of course, is wrong with these things especially since I'm me but it's like they feel like cannonballs to and from the chest!
I am oatmeal.
Cacti were relevant in kindergarten.
Thx.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Eager
And now the situation is that I am in State College, Pennsylvania. When I tell people that this is where I've been, some of them are going to wonder what it was like up here. I wonder if, like Indianapolis, I'm just going to say I didn't go out a lot. It wouldn't really be the case, but it reminds me that I'm fancifully kind of reaching the end in a way. I've offically been helped by all of the friends that I've considered to be the closest. In my imagination, I've unloaded the full arsenal this year; I've tactically and wastefully exhausted all of my resources in an attempt to conclude this unwinnable- again, imagined- war.
Things are fine here. So far I've been able to go to bed in a hazy, gloomy, somehow damaged mood. I mean that in a way that shows progress. I'm finally able to be somewhat comfortable enough to feel hopeless, if that makes sense. It's my first time in a college town, which is funny to watch. My first night, I was deliriously tired to a point where my head ached; I wasn't sure what to make of all I was taking in. To mark the occasion, when I finally met Justin (or Charlie), he insisted upon showing me a human skeleton that was for sale at an antique shop. That would be the only appropriate way to be introduced to a place he found himself in. This, of course, was once he'd gotten out of class after I'd been wandering around the campus for a while after the bus ride.
Everything is in place, though. That might be a problem. I've been reunited with my keyboard and I was finally able to charge my camera. I can do whatever I want. There's a decent amount of books and places to go. The condition, for some reason, is that I have to look for work in order to pay at least half of my way back to Georgia by the end of the month. It's fair enough- the ticket did look pretty pricy. I would honestly really like to, first of all. There's traces of a blinding white void creating the only apprehension I have about just doing it. In other words, any reason I have for not looking for work is made up. It, first of all, seems asinine to try to find a month-long job which of course is not reason not to find one. Then, I think, I should probably just pay him back with whatever job I get when I get back to Atlanta. Or what if I get enough money sent to me to pay for it ahead of time since the prices will be cheaper two weeks in advance? No, that seems well-intentioned but lazy. That's why I really want to have already found something. The only thing that stopped me yesterday was the fact that I didn't shave and that I was wearing a black hoodie. I was on a roll: looking everyone in the eye and smiling. I don't know if that's positive.
Always, things withheld. I'll be fine, I just don't want to do that thing where I avoid talking about what I'm doing during the day. I don't feel like I need to not be relaxed and upfront here, but this year has given me some nice little traumas. I'll do some online work at least. Everything, all around, just seems more and more futile to attempt. I halfway want to just stick my tongue out and smirk derisively at the thought of making more effort this year. I'll sit here with the cats and watch the world kinda fizzle out.
With so many ways to see things and with so many people doing so much, it's all just appropriate. I can do whatever I want. There's nothing disappointing to me about where I've ended up, and getting here has only showed me that no amount of feeling confused or just horrible will amount to the loss of my willingness to be. It's silly. It's all those things. I'll feel differently once I've fooled my way out of this non-turbulent split second. Right now, I'm calmed and cautious.
I don't feel like anything that I work on will ever be improved. The thought of new knowledge just advertises what I imagine an acute hemorrhaging to feel like. I don't claim to know what that is by any means, and it's probably an exaggeration. What I mean is that it makes me nervous to consider starting anything new because I always run out of time. No books, no projects, no long-winded lectures on something I've never heard of. I hate finding out that there's more I've never heard of. Still, I refuse that sense of scale of myself in comparison to the world. I'm fine.
I went to the grocery store, today.
Things are fine here. So far I've been able to go to bed in a hazy, gloomy, somehow damaged mood. I mean that in a way that shows progress. I'm finally able to be somewhat comfortable enough to feel hopeless, if that makes sense. It's my first time in a college town, which is funny to watch. My first night, I was deliriously tired to a point where my head ached; I wasn't sure what to make of all I was taking in. To mark the occasion, when I finally met Justin (or Charlie), he insisted upon showing me a human skeleton that was for sale at an antique shop. That would be the only appropriate way to be introduced to a place he found himself in. This, of course, was once he'd gotten out of class after I'd been wandering around the campus for a while after the bus ride.
Everything is in place, though. That might be a problem. I've been reunited with my keyboard and I was finally able to charge my camera. I can do whatever I want. There's a decent amount of books and places to go. The condition, for some reason, is that I have to look for work in order to pay at least half of my way back to Georgia by the end of the month. It's fair enough- the ticket did look pretty pricy. I would honestly really like to, first of all. There's traces of a blinding white void creating the only apprehension I have about just doing it. In other words, any reason I have for not looking for work is made up. It, first of all, seems asinine to try to find a month-long job which of course is not reason not to find one. Then, I think, I should probably just pay him back with whatever job I get when I get back to Atlanta. Or what if I get enough money sent to me to pay for it ahead of time since the prices will be cheaper two weeks in advance? No, that seems well-intentioned but lazy. That's why I really want to have already found something. The only thing that stopped me yesterday was the fact that I didn't shave and that I was wearing a black hoodie. I was on a roll: looking everyone in the eye and smiling. I don't know if that's positive.
Always, things withheld. I'll be fine, I just don't want to do that thing where I avoid talking about what I'm doing during the day. I don't feel like I need to not be relaxed and upfront here, but this year has given me some nice little traumas. I'll do some online work at least. Everything, all around, just seems more and more futile to attempt. I halfway want to just stick my tongue out and smirk derisively at the thought of making more effort this year. I'll sit here with the cats and watch the world kinda fizzle out.
With so many ways to see things and with so many people doing so much, it's all just appropriate. I can do whatever I want. There's nothing disappointing to me about where I've ended up, and getting here has only showed me that no amount of feeling confused or just horrible will amount to the loss of my willingness to be. It's silly. It's all those things. I'll feel differently once I've fooled my way out of this non-turbulent split second. Right now, I'm calmed and cautious.
I don't feel like anything that I work on will ever be improved. The thought of new knowledge just advertises what I imagine an acute hemorrhaging to feel like. I don't claim to know what that is by any means, and it's probably an exaggeration. What I mean is that it makes me nervous to consider starting anything new because I always run out of time. No books, no projects, no long-winded lectures on something I've never heard of. I hate finding out that there's more I've never heard of. Still, I refuse that sense of scale of myself in comparison to the world. I'm fine.
I went to the grocery store, today.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Convenience
I'm on the bus. My next stop is in like 4 hours I guess. Who knows.
Other than that, the other thing, I am going to State College because that's where Justin ended up and he's inviting me there for about a month. I don't know exactly how that's going to work because I have possible holiday plans elsewhere but there's no turning back. I'm guessing I could find some type of tiny.. micro job to get some extra change to either travel or just kind of feed myself for a moment. I don't know if I'll somehow be able to film anything, but I'm hoping so. I have a plan for just in case there's any hope left in creation. I don't know where all of these things go.
I'd watched a bunch of documentaries in that little bit of time at my sister's friend's house. I learned about, mostly, how folks like me even attempt to get stuff distributed or whatever to get by for a moment. I'd hate to come off as one of those couch-hopping folks but there's a little bit to be learned. It's just funny to see the role played by those who own the couches.
The trend I've noticed with going from place to place is that there's always the roles of: the connect, the pet, the indifferent, and the awkward. The connect is the friend that invited you there who never entirely says anything directly about when things start to kind of take their toll with you staying there, but it's mostly a good relationship until then- it doesn't end bad but there's always a weird air about it. The pet is the pet or pets that you hang out with at the house- not always an animal but it's always kind of glad to see you there because hey- you're another friendly face- and it doesn't occur to them that there'd be any tension for any reason, money or otherwise. The indifferent is the one that doesn't really show any differing reaction to you being there. The awkward is the person who, from the beginning, makes you wonder how long this situation is gonna last.
This applies to all of the places I've lived at for more than a week this year. Well, maybe it also applies to the one-week ones but in a different way. I don't know if I'm admirable by any means for travelling at this point in my life. Isn't this what people wish to do? Am I the same thing as those characters who.. travel? I guess the journey itself wouldn't happen on my own terms by any means but I still would have been prouder if it were on a tour bus or if I'd met a lot of cool long-term friends along the way.
The south makes me shy. Two days in a row, someone behind a counter asked me, "Are you nervous?". This is a weird question to hear. I guess I always am because I don't know where I'm gonna go. The first person who asked me that this year was this little girl who lived at this house I slept at for a few hours. Her and this other young boy both seemed really old for just being tots*. The second person, yesterday, to ask me was some new employee at Matthew's job who couldn't seem to understand why I was there asking for something unrelated to the store. I still haven't gotten my mom's check or her package of candy for me, yet. Today, the person who asked me was this soft-spoken guy that looked kind of like Wesley Willis who handed me my bus ticket. This time I was confused about the confirmation or something. It's just funny. Still, it only makes me more uneasy to hear it. I just remember not running into any worried situations the entire week I was in Chicago. I bet I'm still fine, but it's just really intricate issues that make me seem nervous. I bet I'm still Cago-laxed.
What I mean is that I'm halfway between trying to realize how easy it is to talk to people and realizing that I don't have to want to talk to people. Oh that's why. My adamant stance on not having to talk to people was because of the work situation I was in that I used as a sign to leave Matthew's. I don't know if I explained that situation anywhere. On the other hand, I also have this other new set of beliefs based on a mix of forcing my will onto others (whatever that means) and just a bunch of other solipsistic things. That's not true.
I've lost focus, I must be done.
Other than that, the other thing, I am going to State College because that's where Justin ended up and he's inviting me there for about a month. I don't know exactly how that's going to work because I have possible holiday plans elsewhere but there's no turning back. I'm guessing I could find some type of tiny.. micro job to get some extra change to either travel or just kind of feed myself for a moment. I don't know if I'll somehow be able to film anything, but I'm hoping so. I have a plan for just in case there's any hope left in creation. I don't know where all of these things go.
I'd watched a bunch of documentaries in that little bit of time at my sister's friend's house. I learned about, mostly, how folks like me even attempt to get stuff distributed or whatever to get by for a moment. I'd hate to come off as one of those couch-hopping folks but there's a little bit to be learned. It's just funny to see the role played by those who own the couches.
The trend I've noticed with going from place to place is that there's always the roles of: the connect, the pet, the indifferent, and the awkward. The connect is the friend that invited you there who never entirely says anything directly about when things start to kind of take their toll with you staying there, but it's mostly a good relationship until then- it doesn't end bad but there's always a weird air about it. The pet is the pet or pets that you hang out with at the house- not always an animal but it's always kind of glad to see you there because hey- you're another friendly face- and it doesn't occur to them that there'd be any tension for any reason, money or otherwise. The indifferent is the one that doesn't really show any differing reaction to you being there. The awkward is the person who, from the beginning, makes you wonder how long this situation is gonna last.
This applies to all of the places I've lived at for more than a week this year. Well, maybe it also applies to the one-week ones but in a different way. I don't know if I'm admirable by any means for travelling at this point in my life. Isn't this what people wish to do? Am I the same thing as those characters who.. travel? I guess the journey itself wouldn't happen on my own terms by any means but I still would have been prouder if it were on a tour bus or if I'd met a lot of cool long-term friends along the way.
The south makes me shy. Two days in a row, someone behind a counter asked me, "Are you nervous?". This is a weird question to hear. I guess I always am because I don't know where I'm gonna go. The first person who asked me that this year was this little girl who lived at this house I slept at for a few hours. Her and this other young boy both seemed really old for just being tots*. The second person, yesterday, to ask me was some new employee at Matthew's job who couldn't seem to understand why I was there asking for something unrelated to the store. I still haven't gotten my mom's check or her package of candy for me, yet. Today, the person who asked me was this soft-spoken guy that looked kind of like Wesley Willis who handed me my bus ticket. This time I was confused about the confirmation or something. It's just funny. Still, it only makes me more uneasy to hear it. I just remember not running into any worried situations the entire week I was in Chicago. I bet I'm still fine, but it's just really intricate issues that make me seem nervous. I bet I'm still Cago-laxed.
What I mean is that I'm halfway between trying to realize how easy it is to talk to people and realizing that I don't have to want to talk to people. Oh that's why. My adamant stance on not having to talk to people was because of the work situation I was in that I used as a sign to leave Matthew's. I don't know if I explained that situation anywhere. On the other hand, I also have this other new set of beliefs based on a mix of forcing my will onto others (whatever that means) and just a bunch of other solipsistic things. That's not true.
I've lost focus, I must be done.
Unsettling
Oh. Well. And speaking of which, today we sat behind an empty van at an abandoned Checker's because it looked fully functional until things added up.
Hi. I feel rigged teeth marks on the inside of my right cheek. My right knee doesn't necessarily hurt, but it's aching to remind me that it's there. I'm hearing a repeating video game soundtrack. I need to throw away my trash; I'm a guest.
Alright, well, I can say I made it to December 2012. I don't know what things are up-to-date about my whereabouts and past few months, but now is now. I'm waiting, in a neutral position, until tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be setting out on a 25 hour long bus ride toward Pennsylvania. I was looking forward to it until right now, where I'm realizing that I'll be bored. Not just bored, but bored on top of bored on top of anxiousness. I'm trying to apply a metaphor, but I don't remember if spinning tops ever go back to a faster speed once they start wobbling. All I mean is that I keep thinking things are going to slow down in a way but then something puts it all back into motion. The metaphor wouldn't have worked either way.
The past five- I think- days have actually not counted. They're kind of blank, with few details that move plot forward. Even jokingly I regarded anything that happens now as a bonus featurette. I'd just gotten back from Chicago, to nothingness. Before I left for there, I said that I didn't see anything else happening after that week was over. It wasn't a depressed or melodramatic tone, but I actually couldn't imagine anything happening in the horizon. Aspirations and planned dates were kind of holograms or reflections on the water. Like the writing staff was absolutely stumped a week before the premiere. Huh.
Well.
I have a court date on January 9th. That was my reason for even using my returning ticket, kinda. It's such a poorly written plot device of a ticket. I don't drive but I have, in my pocket, in my wallet, a citation for a Hit and Run. That's funny. I was in the back seat when my pal hit the sign at the entrance of his neighborhood.. apartment complex. I'm already tired of the story but it's the one story that gets more and more ridiculous sounding as I tell it. It gets easier to put the pieces together and realize how incredibly worthless this ticket is. Well anyway, that's what sent me back to Georgia. I still haven't told my parents. I don't want to add to anyone's worry.
I came back to Atlanta, ignored someone trying to get change, and just hopped in the train to the bus for Marietta. My baggage wasn't too heavy yet. I sat down, in reverence, in Dunkin Donuts to calm down and vocalize my situation. My mom called, I guess. The significance there is that my plans seemed solid for a moment; I was going to try to sign up for classes back at the school and wait for all of this to blow over- or it was to get a job- both plans involved going back to Chicago. What happened was almost a repeat of what happened the last time I got off the bus, when I came back from Indiana. I didn't tell anybody, so nobody picked me up. I had my bookbag on and I carried my other two things; the one with the leather handle hurts after a while. I walked to the school.
There was no use in walking to the school. It was a waste of time. I think I ate one of my apples there, though. I sat there, somewhat exhausted, for a couple of hours just watching sort-of familiar faces doing general college things. I sort of watched one kid I kind of know talk about Jesus, interpretations of the bible, Satan, and swag. The kid sitting next to me was uploading concert videos; his desktop background was just a list of bands that would make anybody that I'm close friends with burst into laughter or growl from a stomach ache. I don't care either way, but it all set the mood.
On this first day, I just sat until I realized no one was going to come and get me. I couldn't stay where I was before the trip. Though running low on resources, I did find a place to sleep that night and the next night. The night after that, I ended up where I'm at now. My sister's friend's house. A little out of the way, meaning I can't get to my mom's care package that I arranged to pick up at the square, but it's fine and filled with books. I should be leaving any moment now to pick up my ticket for Pennsylvania. I thought sleep would be pretty last night but it only made things more amorphous. At least I know where I'm at and I'm probably sure I know what I have to do.
There's more.
Hi. I feel rigged teeth marks on the inside of my right cheek. My right knee doesn't necessarily hurt, but it's aching to remind me that it's there. I'm hearing a repeating video game soundtrack. I need to throw away my trash; I'm a guest.
Alright, well, I can say I made it to December 2012. I don't know what things are up-to-date about my whereabouts and past few months, but now is now. I'm waiting, in a neutral position, until tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be setting out on a 25 hour long bus ride toward Pennsylvania. I was looking forward to it until right now, where I'm realizing that I'll be bored. Not just bored, but bored on top of bored on top of anxiousness. I'm trying to apply a metaphor, but I don't remember if spinning tops ever go back to a faster speed once they start wobbling. All I mean is that I keep thinking things are going to slow down in a way but then something puts it all back into motion. The metaphor wouldn't have worked either way.
The past five- I think- days have actually not counted. They're kind of blank, with few details that move plot forward. Even jokingly I regarded anything that happens now as a bonus featurette. I'd just gotten back from Chicago, to nothingness. Before I left for there, I said that I didn't see anything else happening after that week was over. It wasn't a depressed or melodramatic tone, but I actually couldn't imagine anything happening in the horizon. Aspirations and planned dates were kind of holograms or reflections on the water. Like the writing staff was absolutely stumped a week before the premiere. Huh.
Well.
I have a court date on January 9th. That was my reason for even using my returning ticket, kinda. It's such a poorly written plot device of a ticket. I don't drive but I have, in my pocket, in my wallet, a citation for a Hit and Run. That's funny. I was in the back seat when my pal hit the sign at the entrance of his neighborhood.. apartment complex. I'm already tired of the story but it's the one story that gets more and more ridiculous sounding as I tell it. It gets easier to put the pieces together and realize how incredibly worthless this ticket is. Well anyway, that's what sent me back to Georgia. I still haven't told my parents. I don't want to add to anyone's worry.
I came back to Atlanta, ignored someone trying to get change, and just hopped in the train to the bus for Marietta. My baggage wasn't too heavy yet. I sat down, in reverence, in Dunkin Donuts to calm down and vocalize my situation. My mom called, I guess. The significance there is that my plans seemed solid for a moment; I was going to try to sign up for classes back at the school and wait for all of this to blow over- or it was to get a job- both plans involved going back to Chicago. What happened was almost a repeat of what happened the last time I got off the bus, when I came back from Indiana. I didn't tell anybody, so nobody picked me up. I had my bookbag on and I carried my other two things; the one with the leather handle hurts after a while. I walked to the school.
There was no use in walking to the school. It was a waste of time. I think I ate one of my apples there, though. I sat there, somewhat exhausted, for a couple of hours just watching sort-of familiar faces doing general college things. I sort of watched one kid I kind of know talk about Jesus, interpretations of the bible, Satan, and swag. The kid sitting next to me was uploading concert videos; his desktop background was just a list of bands that would make anybody that I'm close friends with burst into laughter or growl from a stomach ache. I don't care either way, but it all set the mood.
On this first day, I just sat until I realized no one was going to come and get me. I couldn't stay where I was before the trip. Though running low on resources, I did find a place to sleep that night and the next night. The night after that, I ended up where I'm at now. My sister's friend's house. A little out of the way, meaning I can't get to my mom's care package that I arranged to pick up at the square, but it's fine and filled with books. I should be leaving any moment now to pick up my ticket for Pennsylvania. I thought sleep would be pretty last night but it only made things more amorphous. At least I know where I'm at and I'm probably sure I know what I have to do.
There's more.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Deny
I got in trouble tonight because someone thinks I sell drugs. But at this point, what if I do. I have no way of knowing. I've been thinking about explaining to someone about Pavao, the kid from my senior year that was Croatian whose name type in T9 spelled Satan, to explain how he once said "Pavao is in great depreesion" because of how statuses were back then just so I could say that I'm in great depreesion. To someone new, the rundown
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Slice
I plopped a slice of pizza down on the space next to my laptop, on the table thing that's made for using a laptop in bed. That's enough to get a little bit disgusted with my life lately. Disgusted, specifically because I'd already gotten a pretty unsettling perspective of where my life is at the moment. Though, to know that I can un-selfish-ly say my life is kinda upsetting right now, kind of puts me at ease. It's not terrible but for the first time, I can say it kinda sucks but even then I'm handling it well but I don't know for how long, within reason. Everything is terribly conditional, as well. I already dropped the ball for using the word "laptop" though; as in: "yer life dont suck, ye got a laptop". It's conditional, bruh.
My parents are far away, and so is my older sister with our dog. Before I left for Indiana, back in January I guess, I sorta stole something from Michael's house. It was a little plastic slinky toy that, of course, at some point had been tangled up. One day, I took the time to sit down and untangle it. I took it with me as a token of proof that I can totally fix things if I just work at it, even if some parts of it are still kinda messed up.
What plane of life is that thought process from, anyway? It'd definitely do something in the box office.
As it turns out, what I do though, is come "home," shower (maybe. otherwise, I just wipe my face with an acne scrub thing), toss things from one side of the room to the other, eventually find out that it's too late to begin hanging out with someone, and then stare at things on the web. Now I'm 21 though, I can drink beforehand and gain so much weight. The alternative is actually hanging out with friends, which just makes me anxious about when I'll come back so I can make it to work in the morning. I wake up 15 minutes before work, and show up 3 minutes late. I'm anxious about one of my bosses making the decision to train me on the cash register. I don't want to, I just wanna come in and do the same thing and go home.
The slice of pizza I was eating, though, I got from Matthew who works right next to where I work. One of my most recent oldest friends. I was there hanging out for a bit last night, where I actually bought a sandwich for the hell of it. I wasn't hungry that time, and I wasn't hungry this time. In theory, I ought to save the food for the morning, so I have a reason to wake up. Doesn't work out. Before that, though, I was with a different set of friends. The type of friends that just make me act like a "nice, funny guy". With roommates and coworkers, I'm just "nice" because I need some sort of caution when it comes to the two things that are kinda necessary. I'm nice with these kids though because the caution comes from eh i dont know. Tryna get the summertime high school experience.
Yeah though. Incomplete thoughts, and for that reason, I'm totally not gonna.
My parents are far away, and so is my older sister with our dog. Before I left for Indiana, back in January I guess, I sorta stole something from Michael's house. It was a little plastic slinky toy that, of course, at some point had been tangled up. One day, I took the time to sit down and untangle it. I took it with me as a token of proof that I can totally fix things if I just work at it, even if some parts of it are still kinda messed up.
What plane of life is that thought process from, anyway? It'd definitely do something in the box office.
As it turns out, what I do though, is come "home," shower (maybe. otherwise, I just wipe my face with an acne scrub thing), toss things from one side of the room to the other, eventually find out that it's too late to begin hanging out with someone, and then stare at things on the web. Now I'm 21 though, I can drink beforehand and gain so much weight. The alternative is actually hanging out with friends, which just makes me anxious about when I'll come back so I can make it to work in the morning. I wake up 15 minutes before work, and show up 3 minutes late. I'm anxious about one of my bosses making the decision to train me on the cash register. I don't want to, I just wanna come in and do the same thing and go home.
The slice of pizza I was eating, though, I got from Matthew who works right next to where I work. One of my most recent oldest friends. I was there hanging out for a bit last night, where I actually bought a sandwich for the hell of it. I wasn't hungry that time, and I wasn't hungry this time. In theory, I ought to save the food for the morning, so I have a reason to wake up. Doesn't work out. Before that, though, I was with a different set of friends. The type of friends that just make me act like a "nice, funny guy". With roommates and coworkers, I'm just "nice" because I need some sort of caution when it comes to the two things that are kinda necessary. I'm nice with these kids though because the caution comes from eh i dont know. Tryna get the summertime high school experience.
Yeah though. Incomplete thoughts, and for that reason, I'm totally not gonna.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Recoil
Alright, so I've made it. At this point I'm finally able to start catching up with myself, hone in on the craft. One thing is waveringly wrong though, at this moment. I have the bodily need of a shower, and I am debating whether or not it would be justified to do that at midnight. I will, I think. There's no way I'd do it in the morning. The odd thing is just that the only other person in the house is someone I still haven't even met. I cant help but imagine how that kind of sums things up lately.
This point in my life will be later looked back upon as that period of time where I was working at Wendy's, debating going to school for the summer, and going to comedy clubs. If anything happens with comedy, I'll just look back on it as a humble beginning. In particular, this being the week before I turn 21, one of the factors is that I'm on a subconsciously consistent search for the reason to keep doing the next thing in line for me. I word it that way because it's not necessarily "a search for a reason to get up in the morning" but a reason to stay up, up, up, and complete that task for the day that will inch me closer to kind of making things work out all over again. Whether or not that happens depends on a lot, but the just-as-consistent truth is that "things won't be the same". We're out of our house. My family is scattered, and the only things that will bring us together are things that can only bring us together had we not even been scattered.
I live with Alex and her boyfriend now. The goal is to get back on my feet and eventually move somewhere with Grant, but I can't figure out how money will work. Eventually, the only option is all of that gaudy success I've always had in mind. The silly stuff, that people always tell you to go to college to ignore. I mean, however long it takes, I still have to work towards the unrealistic. I literally have to, now. Whatever chapters come up will be the spice of it all, but I'm still just as well living some type of journey or whatever.
Points of optimism lately are just the comedy clubs and the possible chance to kinda enter the amature film maker circut. I sort of have a plan. Even today, we kinda got our makeshift writing staff together to plan out possible aspects of a short film we're trying to plop out to turn in to this movie night thing that's going on. Either way, if it works out, we'll have been on the big screen. Something. If that doesn't become a point of optimism, then I don't know. If it works, we'll do more. We'll reach out to others, for style and resources and all that junk. If that gives us a name in the Atlanta scene somehow, then we're totally looking for representation hell yea.
On the other side, I don't know when this will start but, we're going for the comedy market. Luckily we found an open mic night that's not as tense-seeming as the Lauging Skull but still a good place to practice jokes. I don't know what my style will be but that'd take time. I'd rather just get the CoolWin stuff going just to open up the floor to ask someone of management, "Hey can we get, like, a monthly show?" Which, of course, may either lock us in as staples at the venue or just open the door to our style and/or make some sort of name for what we're doing. Shit. Still, the fact that we're doing this and film to get out there, has got to mean something. Otherwise, i dont know, we'll make it a point to the whole "other avenues" type of thing and do other stuff. Do something with the music section, just to kind of get a nod from the music review people to just kind of show that we're slightly just as well inclined to the music thing. Eh. Then we'll get stuck I'm sure, by which point I'd have to remind myself to keep on rotating crops when it comes to making progress. This all just seems reasonable. I've got other things later on I guess.
Enks.
This point in my life will be later looked back upon as that period of time where I was working at Wendy's, debating going to school for the summer, and going to comedy clubs. If anything happens with comedy, I'll just look back on it as a humble beginning. In particular, this being the week before I turn 21, one of the factors is that I'm on a subconsciously consistent search for the reason to keep doing the next thing in line for me. I word it that way because it's not necessarily "a search for a reason to get up in the morning" but a reason to stay up, up, up, and complete that task for the day that will inch me closer to kind of making things work out all over again. Whether or not that happens depends on a lot, but the just-as-consistent truth is that "things won't be the same". We're out of our house. My family is scattered, and the only things that will bring us together are things that can only bring us together had we not even been scattered.
I live with Alex and her boyfriend now. The goal is to get back on my feet and eventually move somewhere with Grant, but I can't figure out how money will work. Eventually, the only option is all of that gaudy success I've always had in mind. The silly stuff, that people always tell you to go to college to ignore. I mean, however long it takes, I still have to work towards the unrealistic. I literally have to, now. Whatever chapters come up will be the spice of it all, but I'm still just as well living some type of journey or whatever.
Points of optimism lately are just the comedy clubs and the possible chance to kinda enter the amature film maker circut. I sort of have a plan. Even today, we kinda got our makeshift writing staff together to plan out possible aspects of a short film we're trying to plop out to turn in to this movie night thing that's going on. Either way, if it works out, we'll have been on the big screen. Something. If that doesn't become a point of optimism, then I don't know. If it works, we'll do more. We'll reach out to others, for style and resources and all that junk. If that gives us a name in the Atlanta scene somehow, then we're totally looking for representation hell yea.
On the other side, I don't know when this will start but, we're going for the comedy market. Luckily we found an open mic night that's not as tense-seeming as the Lauging Skull but still a good place to practice jokes. I don't know what my style will be but that'd take time. I'd rather just get the CoolWin stuff going just to open up the floor to ask someone of management, "Hey can we get, like, a monthly show?" Which, of course, may either lock us in as staples at the venue or just open the door to our style and/or make some sort of name for what we're doing. Shit. Still, the fact that we're doing this and film to get out there, has got to mean something. Otherwise, i dont know, we'll make it a point to the whole "other avenues" type of thing and do other stuff. Do something with the music section, just to kind of get a nod from the music review people to just kind of show that we're slightly just as well inclined to the music thing. Eh. Then we'll get stuck I'm sure, by which point I'd have to remind myself to keep on rotating crops when it comes to making progress. This all just seems reasonable. I've got other things later on I guess.
Enks.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Monday, December 19, 2011
Points to Have Been Made
The first time you hear advice, you just hear it.
The next time, you try it and it just might not work.
The third time, you say no because it didn't work out, as it turns out.
Then you hear it again and you've gotten so desperate that it finally makes sense.
Now you're the one making people hear the advice, and you wonder if there's even any use in telling it to them the first time.
But luckily enough, yeah you're you. Oh, praise the sweet ones- even if the only sweet one you believe in is yourself, in which case- oh, praise the sweet ones.
And all thoughts are thoughts. Some just make the cut. And with all the things that "make the cut", there's bound to be a few that abuse the privilege. Whatever it takes to get back into your own swing'o'things, will just have to do. We go through a buncha puberty in our lives in one way or another. If you have to force yourself to be who you used to be, then that's fine. Eventually, you'll get used to it. That despair of knowing that you're lying to yourself is just another rogue thought. Just be careful that you're not force-feeding yourself a new thought for the wrong reason. Even things like wearing shorts after a lifetime of wearing pants is a funny little mini-puberty. Unless of course you're suddenly super-psyched on wearing shorts. Anything you're suddenly super-psyched on, you should at least try to do- and the amount of thought behind it is up to your discretion.
That's what I meant, I figure.
The next time, you try it and it just might not work.
The third time, you say no because it didn't work out, as it turns out.
Then you hear it again and you've gotten so desperate that it finally makes sense.
Now you're the one making people hear the advice, and you wonder if there's even any use in telling it to them the first time.
But luckily enough, yeah you're you. Oh, praise the sweet ones- even if the only sweet one you believe in is yourself, in which case- oh, praise the sweet ones.
And all thoughts are thoughts. Some just make the cut. And with all the things that "make the cut", there's bound to be a few that abuse the privilege. Whatever it takes to get back into your own swing'o'things, will just have to do. We go through a buncha puberty in our lives in one way or another. If you have to force yourself to be who you used to be, then that's fine. Eventually, you'll get used to it. That despair of knowing that you're lying to yourself is just another rogue thought. Just be careful that you're not force-feeding yourself a new thought for the wrong reason. Even things like wearing shorts after a lifetime of wearing pants is a funny little mini-puberty. Unless of course you're suddenly super-psyched on wearing shorts. Anything you're suddenly super-psyched on, you should at least try to do- and the amount of thought behind it is up to your discretion.
That's what I meant, I figure.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Ripe
Oh, right.
This point in the year. Well, sir, it wasn't a year. I caught on. I'm surprised that I found out but even if I didn't, then I'm still in for a treat. Reading back on last year's junk, I thought "hm, well I can't do this again" and hell if I'm not somehow finding myself doing exactly that. Impossible to tell whether or not I've been thinking for the past moment. Cooool.
And that's what I mean. If I want a tiny thing done, then it's already being started. It's a skill I learned from this "year".
It was around this time last year that I was confirming something that would somehow end up relevant once again to the past week. This year's little gift wrap says "Greetings from New England" or whatever that area of the world is.
Even though I'm beginning to worry if that's the extent of my discovery- researching from the outside until it becomes less interesting- it's still an concurrent treat. It's kinda relaxing to know that I made a D or a C on this pop quiz of a year. I say that because apparently I made a B- in 2010. There were a lot of "ohh i might fail" points but I think I've got enough backbone to get it together. These were moments of being overly sure; "oh I can't be any dumber than myself from a few months ago". It's both true and not true. I had a candy shell at the beginning of this year. All I had to look forward to was How I Met Your Mother everyday before school. My business model was a sick rediscovering of the flaming lips. And I was taking creation tips from the clown folk from LA. It was all forced. It was only proper. I was still trying to shake 2010.
But then on April 30th I saw a music video that changed a lot of things. It reminded me of a lot of things. It told me I was slacking though I had once been on the right track. It kinda blatantly destroyed one of the reasons for my candy shell and it basically helped me understand that I was better than the school I was ignorantly going to. I won't say who yet because that defeats my purpose but I owe this guy a sandwich or something. The idea of friend that I had previously wished that I had to help bring me back to my roots.
Moving to a place and finding people to grow up with after being nowhere just changes your unmolded views on things into a widely-used view. I had finally ended up in a society. Marietta, I mean. It all finally clicked; social norms. I didn't know any better; I didn't know that I could be convinced and disciplined into ways of thought. I don't know, I'm just saying I'd gotten distracted and that it's really weird to just finally be able to have spontaneity being the label to whatever causes me to do things. Basically, in 2011, I learned that psh, errthing i do is completely ok.
So yeah I'm glad I'm me and that's fine but I can't shake the thought that I'm not me yet just because of those one or two or three or more erks in life that just haven't become perfect. I want all my friends in a room, I want to end as much of "shit got real" as I can, I want to get this part over with, and I want to get as close to my own personal utopia as possible. And I've got a few things to remind me it's possible.
And back to the year. I didn't take summer courses because I didn't even consider the possibility until it was too late. Same old. Plus it didn't help that the seed of personal, logical disdain for school had been planted at the end of my first semester. So I had a rough-feeling summer. It was very hot. It still is, for winter. I thought I'd enjoy it but I'd been lied to in a way. Even then I couldn't snap out of it and just get a job or something. A lot of summer was just ignoring a lot of things and just being sweaty. That reminds me that this was also the Marta year.. Still, a very slobbery and moist summer. I just get the feeling that this summer can be best represented by those disgusting burgers that were served at my birthday party. Genetic WonderDrug was there. That was that.
Thus, most recently all that there is to show is that, yeah we lost the money battle. I was far too latent, and I guess that's what I missed. Whatever tho. I used to be awesome at self-discipline until society kicked in, if that's what you want to call it. No one does though, which is good. So yeah I'll say I got a C this year because I learned but I did nothing. So, what.. I performed two shows, went to community college, saw some celebrities, and uh. Well, I 'met' someone else who might be a cool plot device. We've got all the equipment we need. I've got some self-respect. I might be moving. I guess at this point I'm just curious as to what happens next.
I hope the weather changes, though.
This point in the year. Well, sir, it wasn't a year. I caught on. I'm surprised that I found out but even if I didn't, then I'm still in for a treat. Reading back on last year's junk, I thought "hm, well I can't do this again" and hell if I'm not somehow finding myself doing exactly that. Impossible to tell whether or not I've been thinking for the past moment. Cooool.
And that's what I mean. If I want a tiny thing done, then it's already being started. It's a skill I learned from this "year".
It was around this time last year that I was confirming something that would somehow end up relevant once again to the past week. This year's little gift wrap says "Greetings from New England" or whatever that area of the world is.
Even though I'm beginning to worry if that's the extent of my discovery- researching from the outside until it becomes less interesting- it's still an concurrent treat. It's kinda relaxing to know that I made a D or a C on this pop quiz of a year. I say that because apparently I made a B- in 2010. There were a lot of "ohh i might fail" points but I think I've got enough backbone to get it together. These were moments of being overly sure; "oh I can't be any dumber than myself from a few months ago". It's both true and not true. I had a candy shell at the beginning of this year. All I had to look forward to was How I Met Your Mother everyday before school. My business model was a sick rediscovering of the flaming lips. And I was taking creation tips from the clown folk from LA. It was all forced. It was only proper. I was still trying to shake 2010.
But then on April 30th I saw a music video that changed a lot of things. It reminded me of a lot of things. It told me I was slacking though I had once been on the right track. It kinda blatantly destroyed one of the reasons for my candy shell and it basically helped me understand that I was better than the school I was ignorantly going to. I won't say who yet because that defeats my purpose but I owe this guy a sandwich or something. The idea of friend that I had previously wished that I had to help bring me back to my roots.
Moving to a place and finding people to grow up with after being nowhere just changes your unmolded views on things into a widely-used view. I had finally ended up in a society. Marietta, I mean. It all finally clicked; social norms. I didn't know any better; I didn't know that I could be convinced and disciplined into ways of thought. I don't know, I'm just saying I'd gotten distracted and that it's really weird to just finally be able to have spontaneity being the label to whatever causes me to do things. Basically, in 2011, I learned that psh, errthing i do is completely ok.
So yeah I'm glad I'm me and that's fine but I can't shake the thought that I'm not me yet just because of those one or two or three or more erks in life that just haven't become perfect. I want all my friends in a room, I want to end as much of "shit got real" as I can, I want to get this part over with, and I want to get as close to my own personal utopia as possible. And I've got a few things to remind me it's possible.
And back to the year. I didn't take summer courses because I didn't even consider the possibility until it was too late. Same old. Plus it didn't help that the seed of personal, logical disdain for school had been planted at the end of my first semester. So I had a rough-feeling summer. It was very hot. It still is, for winter. I thought I'd enjoy it but I'd been lied to in a way. Even then I couldn't snap out of it and just get a job or something. A lot of summer was just ignoring a lot of things and just being sweaty. That reminds me that this was also the Marta year.. Still, a very slobbery and moist summer. I just get the feeling that this summer can be best represented by those disgusting burgers that were served at my birthday party. Genetic WonderDrug was there. That was that.
Thus, most recently all that there is to show is that, yeah we lost the money battle. I was far too latent, and I guess that's what I missed. Whatever tho. I used to be awesome at self-discipline until society kicked in, if that's what you want to call it. No one does though, which is good. So yeah I'll say I got a C this year because I learned but I did nothing. So, what.. I performed two shows, went to community college, saw some celebrities, and uh. Well, I 'met' someone else who might be a cool plot device. We've got all the equipment we need. I've got some self-respect. I might be moving. I guess at this point I'm just curious as to what happens next.
I hope the weather changes, though.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Differing Delusions of the Current
Only problems warrant a text entry.
If I can quit yarning on, then my only problem is money.
Other than that, I've seen celebrities in the past month or so. I've seen them, and that's simple enough. Though, there's no use in seeing them. The only thing I realized is that it's awfully dumb to be held back from speaking to them. Just, no matter how cool you're being, sometimes you can't convince yourself to speak to someone who doesn't know you as well as you know of them. I only wanna be friends, bruh. And so does this large crowd behind me.
But like in any unestablished relationship, the first sentence has to be spoken (and registered) in order to resolve the uneasiness of the situation. Someone has to speak, but also, someone has to admit the honest truth about what's going on in the situation. Still, I'm convinced that all I need is a group of friends behind me or a tinge of misery in my surroundings and I can talk to anyone.
And that's October.
Now, I'm just worried. Money.
On the bright side, I won't be any more poor than I am right now. "O really, how do you figure?" Well, it's not one of those latent situations. There's debt involved, but there's also some hope on the horizon that's basically private. From now until the beginning of December is a black hole- the donut hole. But I don't know. I can't go too far this time without convincing myself to ignore tiny excitements.
Realistically, that's kind of what I said about August. And sure enough I'm imagining a schedule conflict.
If I can quit yarning on, then my only problem is money.
Other than that, I've seen celebrities in the past month or so. I've seen them, and that's simple enough. Though, there's no use in seeing them. The only thing I realized is that it's awfully dumb to be held back from speaking to them. Just, no matter how cool you're being, sometimes you can't convince yourself to speak to someone who doesn't know you as well as you know of them. I only wanna be friends, bruh. And so does this large crowd behind me.
But like in any unestablished relationship, the first sentence has to be spoken (and registered) in order to resolve the uneasiness of the situation. Someone has to speak, but also, someone has to admit the honest truth about what's going on in the situation. Still, I'm convinced that all I need is a group of friends behind me or a tinge of misery in my surroundings and I can talk to anyone.
And that's October.
Now, I'm just worried. Money.
On the bright side, I won't be any more poor than I am right now. "O really, how do you figure?" Well, it's not one of those latent situations. There's debt involved, but there's also some hope on the horizon that's basically private. From now until the beginning of December is a black hole- the donut hole. But I don't know. I can't go too far this time without convincing myself to ignore tiny excitements.
Realistically, that's kind of what I said about August. And sure enough I'm imagining a schedule conflict.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Slide
Well, nowhere to start because let's just say I'm prototypically "freaked out".
It's been 6 hours since my most recent huge car crash. Something about this kind of just proves that eh "my mind is not turned on, right now" or something to illustrate that sensation. Fuck, I was in a car crash. Cars crashed, tonight. This was probably one in at least a hundred other car crashes tonight because it was raining. That's what I did today, though. I watched the weather reports and considered complaining about nothing. I guess the bottom line is that I'm vexed because I am at home writing this in the same night. You should have seen it.
I remember not being scared and being disappointed that I wasn't scared. I remember thinking about how it had to be a joke, or thinking something was going to get me out of this. I'll admit that it was like a movie, except it was just any old movie that I probably saw when I was like 4. I also remember thinking about, while I was thinking it was like a movie, all of the people who said that their crashes were like movies. Right now, though, I'm thinking that I didn't actually think about any of those things and that I'm convincing myself that those are true.
Either as a human, or as a citizen, or a kid, I spent the rest of the night trying to freak out. I was trying to become all emotionally compromised and shocked. I know how they say you don't feel pain until you've calmed down but all I got is a slightly smashed thumb and a bump in my knee. My stomach hurts, but whose wouldn't?
Well, if you must know, the most recognizable thing I feel is uh, let's call it "loneliness". Before any conclusions- who the hell feels that after a crash, right? I mean I still haven't told my mom yet and I'm also thinking- "oh crap, who would I call if I was in an even worse situation than what I'm in right now?". But overall, I feel nothing. I even tried joking, throughout. The only, only thing that got to me was the text message: "Tell him that I love him." That's touching as hell. That can seem like so many things to so many people, but so does everything else. I don't know what it is, but it's cool. See it how you want. It was just a message sent after a blink-of-an-eye moment of blood and metal and nervousness.
One side of me keeps on rooting for "you coulda died tonight!" which is actually, when it comes down to it, ignorant to disagree with. Another side of me is just contemplating not going to school tomorrow because of this, and instead just going on a shopping spree. But I was told to keep going there tonight, too. I was told in the way that, if I kept going to school that I wouldn't have to end up in more car crashed. But. I guess I have the rest of the semester to disagree. Right now, I wish my mind was set on finding some dopey profound meaning to the incident. If it was worse, that would be easy. If it was the worst then then it'd go back to impossible because folks are quick to ignore death and stuff. So it's at that level. Well, except in the case that those people that we hit tonight worked hard as hell to have those cars or something.
Oh yeah, I only explained the mental stuff and nothing about the moment of impact and all that crap. That'll be explained at some fancy dinner, though.
It's been 6 hours since my most recent huge car crash. Something about this kind of just proves that eh "my mind is not turned on, right now" or something to illustrate that sensation. Fuck, I was in a car crash. Cars crashed, tonight. This was probably one in at least a hundred other car crashes tonight because it was raining. That's what I did today, though. I watched the weather reports and considered complaining about nothing. I guess the bottom line is that I'm vexed because I am at home writing this in the same night. You should have seen it.
I remember not being scared and being disappointed that I wasn't scared. I remember thinking about how it had to be a joke, or thinking something was going to get me out of this. I'll admit that it was like a movie, except it was just any old movie that I probably saw when I was like 4. I also remember thinking about, while I was thinking it was like a movie, all of the people who said that their crashes were like movies. Right now, though, I'm thinking that I didn't actually think about any of those things and that I'm convincing myself that those are true.
Either as a human, or as a citizen, or a kid, I spent the rest of the night trying to freak out. I was trying to become all emotionally compromised and shocked. I know how they say you don't feel pain until you've calmed down but all I got is a slightly smashed thumb and a bump in my knee. My stomach hurts, but whose wouldn't?
Well, if you must know, the most recognizable thing I feel is uh, let's call it "loneliness". Before any conclusions- who the hell feels that after a crash, right? I mean I still haven't told my mom yet and I'm also thinking- "oh crap, who would I call if I was in an even worse situation than what I'm in right now?". But overall, I feel nothing. I even tried joking, throughout. The only, only thing that got to me was the text message: "Tell him that I love him." That's touching as hell. That can seem like so many things to so many people, but so does everything else. I don't know what it is, but it's cool. See it how you want. It was just a message sent after a blink-of-an-eye moment of blood and metal and nervousness.
One side of me keeps on rooting for "you coulda died tonight!" which is actually, when it comes down to it, ignorant to disagree with. Another side of me is just contemplating not going to school tomorrow because of this, and instead just going on a shopping spree. But I was told to keep going there tonight, too. I was told in the way that, if I kept going to school that I wouldn't have to end up in more car crashed. But. I guess I have the rest of the semester to disagree. Right now, I wish my mind was set on finding some dopey profound meaning to the incident. If it was worse, that would be easy. If it was the worst then then it'd go back to impossible because folks are quick to ignore death and stuff. So it's at that level. Well, except in the case that those people that we hit tonight worked hard as hell to have those cars or something.
Oh yeah, I only explained the mental stuff and nothing about the moment of impact and all that crap. That'll be explained at some fancy dinner, though.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Thus
But then i remembered, I'm no twee.
Yeah I just read a blog post by that ol' pretentious friend of mine. That's not the word anymore, though. Like I said, his word is histrionic. He's that one in the group. But what I agree with is something about the familiarity of this.. this thing that I'm doing right now. I remember last year, when i was in fact a twee, still being awake at this time in the morning being able to type out some teeth-grinding garbage. Either way, this is irredeemable. That either means that it's so personal that I can't stand to return to it, or that this is actually just despicable to do. Doing this only reminds me that I have a vocabulary, but I mean. I've been seeing things like rubik's cubes lately. Eh ever since the big shift in brain chemistry (flowery flowery flower lwla) that I claim not to have done, the problem is just the fact that myself in the future will find some reason to pick on myself in the past. For good or bad reasons. And that's just it. This is here for me, basically, and I'm basically my audience. It's easy. For some reason, this is what I'd like to read if I had to read someone's bogus-ass journal. I get what this guy's referring to, all the time. <-
Ain't nothin' gon' be the end-all be-arnold. This is good. This will be a lot of fun.
Yeah and if I want, then I can remember stuff. That's what I used to like about this. But me doing this, is a waste of time at this specific moment because my back hurts and there's money issues afoot.... I can't be completely aggravated with myself if I'm honest, I guess, and besides, I'm not trying to entertain the mascot of 2010 anymore. See, I get what this guy's saying. I'm a rapper!
Yeah I
Yeah I just read a blog post by that ol' pretentious friend of mine. That's not the word anymore, though. Like I said, his word is histrionic. He's that one in the group. But what I agree with is something about the familiarity of this.. this thing that I'm doing right now. I remember last year, when i was in fact a twee, still being awake at this time in the morning being able to type out some teeth-grinding garbage. Either way, this is irredeemable. That either means that it's so personal that I can't stand to return to it, or that this is actually just despicable to do. Doing this only reminds me that I have a vocabulary, but I mean. I've been seeing things like rubik's cubes lately. Eh ever since the big shift in brain chemistry (flowery flowery flower lwla) that I claim not to have done, the problem is just the fact that myself in the future will find some reason to pick on myself in the past. For good or bad reasons. And that's just it. This is here for me, basically, and I'm basically my audience. It's easy. For some reason, this is what I'd like to read if I had to read someone's bogus-ass journal. I get what this guy's referring to, all the time. <-
Ain't nothin' gon' be the end-all be-arnold. This is good. This will be a lot of fun.
Yeah and if I want, then I can remember stuff. That's what I used to like about this. But me doing this, is a waste of time at this specific moment because my back hurts and there's money issues afoot.... I can't be completely aggravated with myself if I'm honest, I guess, and besides, I'm not trying to entertain the mascot of 2010 anymore. See, I get what this guy's saying. I'm a rapper!
Yeah I
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Oh
And I also go back and forth about whether or not I'm ok with having this type of "blog". So, thats a part of it.
And I was dumb in 2010 but eh
And I was dumb in 2010 but eh
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Perspective
Alright.
I woke up at 2:50 PM, for example. I mean, I was supposed to be in Atlanta, eating lunch.
I should be ashamed of myself, really. I went to sleep at 6 am, after having woken up at 11 pm. I thought it was around 4 am when I woke up, though. Before that, I went to sleep at some point in the afternoon. Uh. Well I didn't sleep the night before, and went to sleep from 12 to 4, I guess. Nightmare.
I did, embarrassingly, dream though. But it's not ok because the only reason for that must just be some type of change in my diet. Whether an amount of food, or just one dollar-store brand pain pill, this also must be a result of this whole sleep-terror-carnage-hammer crap that I must be doing. It is very stomachache-worthy.
But why "write" after all this time? Because. It's one of the things that I do, apparently. You know, so I can be all "I do this, this, and this kinda". Maybe, though. It'll just be a part of it. It's ok because I know for fact that me doing this right now has absolutely no histrionic intention. And as a note to me in the future; I know.. it only gets more ironic. Eh, I'll only learn more about new words I guess.
Ok, so it's too late for me to respond to my job offer, I'm sure. So, the only other option is to wait out this hedonism, and do something new. At least something new won't be grueling. Yeah yeah yeah, the feeling of "dread" at the thought of putting on an apron and washing veggies. I'm still not ok with that. I found a dead spider in the celery once. Oh yeah, that's why I came up with that "pest vs. pesticide" crap. True, though.
Alright so I'll do this. My thought is just that if I have something to show for being alone, then it'll only gain me merits. No frosting and representational bacon for me, no more. "Alright, I get it. Beds are comfy." And anything that you can have an argument with yourself about it just good television.
Yall, I'm Donkey.
I woke up at 2:50 PM, for example. I mean, I was supposed to be in Atlanta, eating lunch.
I should be ashamed of myself, really. I went to sleep at 6 am, after having woken up at 11 pm. I thought it was around 4 am when I woke up, though. Before that, I went to sleep at some point in the afternoon. Uh. Well I didn't sleep the night before, and went to sleep from 12 to 4, I guess. Nightmare.
I did, embarrassingly, dream though. But it's not ok because the only reason for that must just be some type of change in my diet. Whether an amount of food, or just one dollar-store brand pain pill, this also must be a result of this whole sleep-terror-carnage-hammer crap that I must be doing. It is very stomachache-worthy.
But why "write" after all this time? Because. It's one of the things that I do, apparently. You know, so I can be all "I do this, this, and this kinda". Maybe, though. It'll just be a part of it. It's ok because I know for fact that me doing this right now has absolutely no histrionic intention. And as a note to me in the future; I know.. it only gets more ironic. Eh, I'll only learn more about new words I guess.
Ok, so it's too late for me to respond to my job offer, I'm sure. So, the only other option is to wait out this hedonism, and do something new. At least something new won't be grueling. Yeah yeah yeah, the feeling of "dread" at the thought of putting on an apron and washing veggies. I'm still not ok with that. I found a dead spider in the celery once. Oh yeah, that's why I came up with that "pest vs. pesticide" crap. True, though.
Alright so I'll do this. My thought is just that if I have something to show for being alone, then it'll only gain me merits. No frosting and representational bacon for me, no more. "Alright, I get it. Beds are comfy." And anything that you can have an argument with yourself about it just good television.
Yall, I'm Donkey.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Awe
Threshold of New Years Eve.
hm. So this is how I end up reminiscing. Wow. How to set it up. Well, as it has been, my mom is in Germany until January 6th. She's been gone since the 14th and since then I've occupied myself. It's impossible to know how I've kept myself occupied but I guess I did. The very first couple of days, I went straight downstairs and started sorting out a bunch of papers of mine. There are still stacks lying around the basement. I had also been playing Paper Mario. I actually also just finished playing it some more, but only after forcing myself to. I'm not sure why there'd be any difference in my doing these things since I could have done these things while my mom was home, but either way- those are the things I did for the first few days. I barely remember any other days, other than Tash coming over to take me shopping.
I celebrated Christmas with my dad. It snowed. I was able to see our old family friends, after about 10 years. I mean, I like that type of thing because it's one of those 'reality' situations. Er, a good 'storyline' or 'continuity' situation. Like, it was like I actually saw the ghost of Christmas past because I think we always used to visit this family for Christmas. Wild.
In that same respect, all at the same time, I think I was also visited by the ghosts of Christmas present and future. And it doesn't even mean I'm a Scrooge. Sometimes these ghosts just visit. I have become aware of my friends: past, present, and future friends. All at once. People I don't see as often, people I consistently see, and people I know I'm actually going to meet soon. Trust me.
On that note, let me explain. The whole comedy thing, like I said, is showing itself in a less modest way. Pseudo-famous people just like me are popping out of the most ridiculous places. (These are the people that I am going to meet). I'm finding it easier to get in contact with people I didn't imagine I'd ever meet. (I wanted to, and knew it was possible, but I didn't imagine it.) Like, I'm not talking to any of them or anything because I know I have to present myself and blah. I don't know what this sounds like but it feels normal. All I realize is that if I consistently keep my head in my work, then things will come. And so far, it has. In ways.
Last night (technically the night before) I had burned a practice dvd. If I can get someone to watch it and confirm that's it good enough to pass out as a demo disc, then that'd be nice. Oh, right. Actual news. Well, we may be getting another live show to be performed at the Wonder Root. I agreed to a date, but I'm not sure what's next. I guess I'll wait for them to put it on the schedule on their website, or something. So that's fine. If we build momentum with that, and the Brain Camp show (and hopefully more to follow), then we'll at least be somewhere in the quantity aspect. Then, after a certain point I have some plans. If we're at all well known then I'll pull for some fund-raising, but if luck shines upon us, then a road trip is in store. (yep. a note to self).
To conclude, of course, I want to just see how much stuff I can jot about the year 2010. I'd like to say that it was a year, for me, wealthy in literature, chemicals, and women. Very vague things, actually. Well, literature is sort of obvious. Anyone reading this knows that. I've been writing this type of crap all year long... but earlier this year, I did find myself reading more often than I had ever read in my life. Really.
As for chemicals, well, this one is a hehe 'self-fulfilling'.. thing. I'm guessing it has to do with some mental stuff or noting of other people's mental stuff, but I'm not sure if I could be fully honest about here. It could also be other people's usage of foreign materials and all that garbage. Who knows. The year is ending- I'm not in the same mindset as the one I was in when I agreed this year dealt heavily with chemicals (which was at least a month and a half ago).
And women. I just now decided on that one. They've been pretty prominent, and I guess this is my way of paying homage to the strong women of the year 2010. Then again, it's also kind of stupid (don't jump to conclusions!!) in the way that, "in that case, every year is somewhat about women". Well yeah. Really, I'm just being passively admiration-al. I like what some people did this year. One side of me wants to get this part of what I'm saying over with, while the other is nodding and squinting his eyes in approval. Fine.
So did I get everything done this year? Hell yes. I won this year, even if I got past with a B-. I mean, with the main accomplishment being "move" in the first half, things kind of worked themselves out. Even if I didn't notice. So far, it doesn't look like it's ending the way I imagined... but I guess it's a step-by-step process. Baby steps. And then step-steps because we ain't got all day. So I guess, I'll kind of take my leave in regards of "capturing everyday to prove that it happened," and just let it happen. No sense in forcing happenings to happen. They just happen. They're the only things that just happen, in essence.
It was a lot of fun. "Would you do it again?" Yeaaah! :)
hm. So this is how I end up reminiscing. Wow. How to set it up. Well, as it has been, my mom is in Germany until January 6th. She's been gone since the 14th and since then I've occupied myself. It's impossible to know how I've kept myself occupied but I guess I did. The very first couple of days, I went straight downstairs and started sorting out a bunch of papers of mine. There are still stacks lying around the basement. I had also been playing Paper Mario. I actually also just finished playing it some more, but only after forcing myself to. I'm not sure why there'd be any difference in my doing these things since I could have done these things while my mom was home, but either way- those are the things I did for the first few days. I barely remember any other days, other than Tash coming over to take me shopping.
I celebrated Christmas with my dad. It snowed. I was able to see our old family friends, after about 10 years. I mean, I like that type of thing because it's one of those 'reality' situations. Er, a good 'storyline' or 'continuity' situation. Like, it was like I actually saw the ghost of Christmas past because I think we always used to visit this family for Christmas. Wild.
In that same respect, all at the same time, I think I was also visited by the ghosts of Christmas present and future. And it doesn't even mean I'm a Scrooge. Sometimes these ghosts just visit. I have become aware of my friends: past, present, and future friends. All at once. People I don't see as often, people I consistently see, and people I know I'm actually going to meet soon. Trust me.
On that note, let me explain. The whole comedy thing, like I said, is showing itself in a less modest way. Pseudo-famous people just like me are popping out of the most ridiculous places. (These are the people that I am going to meet). I'm finding it easier to get in contact with people I didn't imagine I'd ever meet. (I wanted to, and knew it was possible, but I didn't imagine it.) Like, I'm not talking to any of them or anything because I know I have to present myself and blah. I don't know what this sounds like but it feels normal. All I realize is that if I consistently keep my head in my work, then things will come. And so far, it has. In ways.
Last night (technically the night before) I had burned a practice dvd. If I can get someone to watch it and confirm that's it good enough to pass out as a demo disc, then that'd be nice. Oh, right. Actual news. Well, we may be getting another live show to be performed at the Wonder Root. I agreed to a date, but I'm not sure what's next. I guess I'll wait for them to put it on the schedule on their website, or something. So that's fine. If we build momentum with that, and the Brain Camp show (and hopefully more to follow), then we'll at least be somewhere in the quantity aspect. Then, after a certain point I have some plans. If we're at all well known then I'll pull for some fund-raising, but if luck shines upon us, then a road trip is in store. (yep. a note to self).
To conclude, of course, I want to just see how much stuff I can jot about the year 2010. I'd like to say that it was a year, for me, wealthy in literature, chemicals, and women. Very vague things, actually. Well, literature is sort of obvious. Anyone reading this knows that. I've been writing this type of crap all year long... but earlier this year, I did find myself reading more often than I had ever read in my life. Really.
As for chemicals, well, this one is a hehe 'self-fulfilling'.. thing. I'm guessing it has to do with some mental stuff or noting of other people's mental stuff, but I'm not sure if I could be fully honest about here. It could also be other people's usage of foreign materials and all that garbage. Who knows. The year is ending- I'm not in the same mindset as the one I was in when I agreed this year dealt heavily with chemicals (which was at least a month and a half ago).
And women. I just now decided on that one. They've been pretty prominent, and I guess this is my way of paying homage to the strong women of the year 2010. Then again, it's also kind of stupid (don't jump to conclusions!!) in the way that, "in that case, every year is somewhat about women". Well yeah. Really, I'm just being passively admiration-al. I like what some people did this year. One side of me wants to get this part of what I'm saying over with, while the other is nodding and squinting his eyes in approval. Fine.
So did I get everything done this year? Hell yes. I won this year, even if I got past with a B-. I mean, with the main accomplishment being "move" in the first half, things kind of worked themselves out. Even if I didn't notice. So far, it doesn't look like it's ending the way I imagined... but I guess it's a step-by-step process. Baby steps. And then step-steps because we ain't got all day. So I guess, I'll kind of take my leave in regards of "capturing everyday to prove that it happened," and just let it happen. No sense in forcing happenings to happen. They just happen. They're the only things that just happen, in essence.
It was a lot of fun. "Would you do it again?" Yeaaah! :)
Monday, December 13, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Control
Ahh what a great night, last night. Well, that's over. Today I've just been old hermit. No, I can't tell if I'm just getting almost too particular recently. I think I might becoming choosy or whatever the better word is. Like, I actually think I got aggravated with the thought of people doing things in my room in the way that I don't usually do them. I'm getting afraid that I'm beginning to want things to go my way. I'm almost sure that what I am actually doing has nothing to do with what I'm thinking. There's no way of telling for sure, I mean. I just can't tell because it's like I'm very sure that when I am doing things, that I am doing them for my only right reason. But then the situation just turns into smleh.
Well, all last week I was doing great. I was on a roll, I was writing all types of material and that type of stuff that I do that cannot possibly be criticized or considered futile (because I am also imagining the response to my admitting to writing interesting stuff being looked at as a 'lame hobby'). And see that's just it. I wasn't thinking about this type of crap. I wasn't thinking about the negative things that exist in other universes. I wasn't thinking about universes either, for that matter. I had a clear head for the week. It was like I was headed toward a certain zone, where no one could mention drugs, paranoia, or depression (none of which pertain to me, but bother me when I realize friends are going through this type of junk). I was feeling.. heh.. I was feeling ok (can't stand the phrase "feeling good" for some reason. I claim that I don't believe that a person can do that in the sense that no one has the right to judge what "good" feels like.) and I was calm, in anticipation. Maybe I was waiting for last night. Now, I'm just letting things bother me. People talking loud. i can't tell if that's something that... heh. I don't get bothered, of course not.
Ahr. What I was saying.. Last week, I was doing good. Trying to think of specifics besides the fact that there was a point where I realized the actor Jason Segel seemed cool. I guess the 'accomplished' feeling came from the fact that all of the notebooks I write all this crap in are pretty full. Now before you have already read the words "notebooks" and "write" and already gotten halfway through this sentence, realize that these 'notebooks' are really just.. ah.. you'd really have to see them, but the main point is that they barely have anything to do with writing. So do not even associate it or me with writing. I will not disgrace these things buy calling them "idea books," either. And that's my problem, this week. Or just today, actually. I fear that I actually might just be being a control freak. See, now I'm feeling like I remember myself saying this about myself once before. Actually, hah, I might have been talking about someone else. Still, I'm trying to keep level. I guess it's the fact that because last week, absolutely everything was in my hands, and now that this is the period in which I share my ideas, I am not willing to hear anyone else's. Which is false because I am amazingly open to ideas involving the comedy team. Yep the comedy team. That's what I've been so proud of. Especially last week. That is where my mind was last week. The comedy team. Fail-safe. And now that the day I was waiting for is over, I guess I've been back to whatever. Universe A. My home world. Not the real world, just the place where I grew up. Hm. Maybe that means I need to take each Universe A time to grow up. Or maybe I distribute my grow-ups equally into each universe. So stupid, the word, but in one of these worlds I've come to believe that not a soul should be ashamed of words. And in another, I think the opposite: the whole thing about certain people ruining certain things. In some places, at some moments, no one can ruin a thing.
Back in "Real" World, there's the sound of the lyrics "I told you- no I'll never let you drag me down to hell " which fits. I only call that one "Real" just because that's the crappy one where.. ahem.. sex, drama, and drugs exist. Again, not for me- literally, honestly, and the absolute truth. Those things can get real. But they're all complete bs to me. Cool because there's no way to detach yourself from it without looking like you're-- Hell.
Still, the fact that I've clearly gotten back into talking about this stuff, and the fact that I haven't gotten over the terminology factor just kind of bothers me. That's why I was trying to ignore certain friends of mine. It would do me good, and it has nothing to do with them--oh oh-- just the fact that what they're saying is just going to make me fixate on some other realities. You know. "Drag me down to hell". And that may be the cause of the control-freak thing, as well. I'm temporarily banishing certain folks just because they're not in the same mood as I am (mostly because they haven't heard the same news that I have). They're not thinking about the same things, and that- THAT has to be the problem with long-distance relationships of any sort. They see ABSOLUTELY different things. Absolutely no way to communicate. The details have to gather. Things become less effective from farther away. "You'd just have to be there".
So, what's the deal? Is there anything upsetting me? Well, one thing I do want to get over. That awkward meeting, yesterday. Ah. And that other awkward thing. And the thing I didn't do. And the thing from 2 years ago that I reminded myself of, an hour ago. Redemption? Hah, listen, I'm actually convincing myself that you can get over any awkward situation by turning into a big.. show. Well, hell, that ol' "success is the best revenge". Hah, now that quote is going to make me think of when I told that to Fide and he just focused on the 'revenge' part. But the point, moreover, is redemption.
Ok. I hope this flows well. Actually. Ok, I'm about to just type what I'm thinking in order to help myself out so hold up. Now, if I completely cut myself off from the whole: "imaginary people," "not exist," "universes," "I act different to certain people," "I can't remember my relationship with certain people," "man, I messed up," "anger," "disappointment," and "back-up plans"... does that mean I'm also cutting myself off from actual.. er.. "inspiration" for the things.. God.. that I do? Not to mention "what is it that we do?". That didn't help at all. Wait a minute. This has absolutely nothing to do with last night. As in- this is not even the same.. ah hell, here we go.
One of the things that got me earlier. Two things, actually. Hah. Hah. There is always absolute Hell in trying to defend Kanye West. There. Simple. Let's say defending Kanye West has absolutely nothing to do with the man himself. He's only famous for the fact that he symbolizes the exact situation that I am actually trying to defend. Kind of like Obama (because I thought of Chicago). I mean, that's what "idols" are (and I mean "idols" as famous people in general) there for. They represent an intricate ideal. That's why no one is "the one famous person". You become a fan of one particular thing because that represents that situation. I actually don't care if I'm saying anything new- remember that. But I'm just saying- to defend Kanye is to defend that one ideal of "what I am doing/saying is being translated horribly wrong". Like, jumping the gun. Like, trying to lift something heavy when you haven't even considered building muscles. As in- not ready YET. As in- maybe I need to grow up- once again. Or. Maybe I'm just not wrong.
Those two things kind of topped off this mood of today. Finding out that no matter what, I'm still going to look like I'm saying/doing mean, untrustable things? Even if the thing I was attempting is fool-proof? Maybe it's because i forget how I look when I'm doing it. I'm just fat :(
Yo.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Update
Yeah. Today, which is (can't stress this enough) completely not like me, I've gotten a ergh "short temper". I didn't even mention that I was getting ugh "frustrated" with the fam today. Shame that I put a negative outlook about them before I even said anything positive about how I feel about them. You know- because I don't even talk about "fam". Whoa. My God. I just said "feel"("yeah but didn't he talk about 'feeling ok' earlier?"). Ha. Hah. Actually, that just explains this entire thing. It has to just be today. So in that big old open world, I am just a nice, creative (y'all can't stress that enough) young man. Fat too! :P And once every almost-never, I can just be "man he mean"- and that'll be by complete accident. I'm a man of ideas. That's who.
-----------------------------------
and then. whoa forgot. oh yeah. how you're not allowed to bring up anything. you're only allowed to be reviewed. I'm being cruel, I think this is making it worse. As long as no one blatantly copies what I'm saying here. I've been sucked in. 1. I wanted to ignore the 'writing' side of things (this) 2. Forcing myself to ignore is just the same as ignoring anything that isn't an internal conflict.
Bottom line- last night was fun. My friends and I went to a show. I got a free dvd.
Well, all last week I was doing great. I was on a roll, I was writing all types of material and that type of stuff that I do that cannot possibly be criticized or considered futile (because I am also imagining the response to my admitting to writing interesting stuff being looked at as a 'lame hobby'). And see that's just it. I wasn't thinking about this type of crap. I wasn't thinking about the negative things that exist in other universes. I wasn't thinking about universes either, for that matter. I had a clear head for the week. It was like I was headed toward a certain zone, where no one could mention drugs, paranoia, or depression (none of which pertain to me, but bother me when I realize friends are going through this type of junk). I was feeling.. heh.. I was feeling ok (can't stand the phrase "feeling good" for some reason. I claim that I don't believe that a person can do that in the sense that no one has the right to judge what "good" feels like.) and I was calm, in anticipation. Maybe I was waiting for last night. Now, I'm just letting things bother me. People talking loud. i can't tell if that's something that... heh. I don't get bothered, of course not.
Ahr. What I was saying.. Last week, I was doing good. Trying to think of specifics besides the fact that there was a point where I realized the actor Jason Segel seemed cool. I guess the 'accomplished' feeling came from the fact that all of the notebooks I write all this crap in are pretty full. Now before you have already read the words "notebooks" and "write" and already gotten halfway through this sentence, realize that these 'notebooks' are really just.. ah.. you'd really have to see them, but the main point is that they barely have anything to do with writing. So do not even associate it or me with writing. I will not disgrace these things buy calling them "idea books," either. And that's my problem, this week. Or just today, actually. I fear that I actually might just be being a control freak. See, now I'm feeling like I remember myself saying this about myself once before. Actually, hah, I might have been talking about someone else. Still, I'm trying to keep level. I guess it's the fact that because last week, absolutely everything was in my hands, and now that this is the period in which I share my ideas, I am not willing to hear anyone else's. Which is false because I am amazingly open to ideas involving the comedy team. Yep the comedy team. That's what I've been so proud of. Especially last week. That is where my mind was last week. The comedy team. Fail-safe. And now that the day I was waiting for is over, I guess I've been back to whatever. Universe A. My home world. Not the real world, just the place where I grew up. Hm. Maybe that means I need to take each Universe A time to grow up. Or maybe I distribute my grow-ups equally into each universe. So stupid, the word, but in one of these worlds I've come to believe that not a soul should be ashamed of words. And in another, I think the opposite: the whole thing about certain people ruining certain things. In some places, at some moments, no one can ruin a thing.
Back in "Real" World, there's the sound of the lyrics "I told you- no I'll never let you drag me down to hell " which fits. I only call that one "Real" just because that's the crappy one where.. ahem.. sex, drama, and drugs exist. Again, not for me- literally, honestly, and the absolute truth. Those things can get real. But they're all complete bs to me. Cool because there's no way to detach yourself from it without looking like you're-- Hell.
Still, the fact that I've clearly gotten back into talking about this stuff, and the fact that I haven't gotten over the terminology factor just kind of bothers me. That's why I was trying to ignore certain friends of mine. It would do me good, and it has nothing to do with them--oh oh-- just the fact that what they're saying is just going to make me fixate on some other realities. You know. "Drag me down to hell". And that may be the cause of the control-freak thing, as well. I'm temporarily banishing certain folks just because they're not in the same mood as I am (mostly because they haven't heard the same news that I have). They're not thinking about the same things, and that- THAT has to be the problem with long-distance relationships of any sort. They see ABSOLUTELY different things. Absolutely no way to communicate. The details have to gather. Things become less effective from farther away. "You'd just have to be there".
So, what's the deal? Is there anything upsetting me? Well, one thing I do want to get over. That awkward meeting, yesterday. Ah. And that other awkward thing. And the thing I didn't do. And the thing from 2 years ago that I reminded myself of, an hour ago. Redemption? Hah, listen, I'm actually convincing myself that you can get over any awkward situation by turning into a big.. show. Well, hell, that ol' "success is the best revenge". Hah, now that quote is going to make me think of when I told that to Fide and he just focused on the 'revenge' part. But the point, moreover, is redemption.
Ok. I hope this flows well. Actually. Ok, I'm about to just type what I'm thinking in order to help myself out so hold up. Now, if I completely cut myself off from the whole: "imaginary people," "not exist," "universes," "I act different to certain people," "I can't remember my relationship with certain people," "man, I messed up," "anger," "disappointment," and "back-up plans"... does that mean I'm also cutting myself off from actual.. er.. "inspiration" for the things.. God.. that I do? Not to mention "what is it that we do?". That didn't help at all. Wait a minute. This has absolutely nothing to do with last night. As in- this is not even the same.. ah hell, here we go.
One of the things that got me earlier. Two things, actually. Hah. Hah. There is always absolute Hell in trying to defend Kanye West. There. Simple. Let's say defending Kanye West has absolutely nothing to do with the man himself. He's only famous for the fact that he symbolizes the exact situation that I am actually trying to defend. Kind of like Obama (because I thought of Chicago). I mean, that's what "idols" are (and I mean "idols" as famous people in general) there for. They represent an intricate ideal. That's why no one is "the one famous person". You become a fan of one particular thing because that represents that situation. I actually don't care if I'm saying anything new- remember that. But I'm just saying- to defend Kanye is to defend that one ideal of "what I am doing/saying is being translated horribly wrong". Like, jumping the gun. Like, trying to lift something heavy when you haven't even considered building muscles. As in- not ready YET. As in- maybe I need to grow up- once again. Or. Maybe I'm just not wrong.
Other thing was remembering something that could have been considered insanely passive-aggressive over the summer. I mean, how often do people around here blatantly use the words "main character" in reference to real life? Ok, first things first. I'm not saying I'll ever do so, but for someone to call themselves a main character is actually justifiable. I think I'm treading over old grounds (hah) so, I won't even justify that statement- which doesn't need to be justified because it is actually a kind-hearted thing, really. It's one of those things, you know? "Importance of self" (in social situations) is just a matter of moderation. I'm fine. No new lessons. Really just an argument of how "cool" it is to hate yourself vs. how "cool" it is to hate other people. Then there is just the absolutely honest and pure reality of "I have never heard any of those words". So, I'm fine. I just want to talk about that last part with someone before I finally decide what I mean.
Those two things kind of topped off this mood of today. Finding out that no matter what, I'm still going to look like I'm saying/doing mean, untrustable things? Even if the thing I was attempting is fool-proof? Maybe it's because i forget how I look when I'm doing it. I'm just fat :(
Yo.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Update
Yeah. Today, which is (can't stress this enough) completely not like me, I've gotten a ergh "short temper". I didn't even mention that I was getting ugh "frustrated" with the fam today. Shame that I put a negative outlook about them before I even said anything positive about how I feel about them. You know- because I don't even talk about "fam". Whoa. My God. I just said "feel"("yeah but didn't he talk about 'feeling ok' earlier?"). Ha. Hah. Actually, that just explains this entire thing. It has to just be today. So in that big old open world, I am just a nice, creative (y'all can't stress that enough) young man. Fat too! :P And once every almost-never, I can just be "man he mean"- and that'll be by complete accident. I'm a man of ideas. That's who.
-----------------------------------
and then. whoa forgot. oh yeah. how you're not allowed to bring up anything. you're only allowed to be reviewed. I'm being cruel, I think this is making it worse. As long as no one blatantly copies what I'm saying here. I've been sucked in. 1. I wanted to ignore the 'writing' side of things (this) 2. Forcing myself to ignore is just the same as ignoring anything that isn't an internal conflict.
Bottom line- last night was fun. My friends and I went to a show. I got a free dvd.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Dice
Ok, good. Good, right? Well yeah besides the poverty, pain, and sickness! Aha See, that's always the case. Because "evil" is always imaginary. Yeah, I've been moving on to saying "aha" lately. Take on me. But I've been either busy or more optimistic lately or something, I don't know.
Writing about it is probably what'll ruin it. No, but stuff has been collecting. I mean, yeah there are some prototypical "bad" things looming around but hell. The will always negates defeat.
Yeah I'm sick, but it's fine, really. We just got word that our "brain camp" thing will be taking place on January 29th! That means that I'll be, at the very least, marketing. It'll be good, and hopefully Cool Winners can perform. Going to have to remind myself... nah.. I was thinking I'd need that audio cable to connect a laptop to the speakers but nah.
College.
I guess I also edited 3 videos today but that's just what somebody who is talking about themselves would say. It won't really matter. So, you know. Ha. Hah. I'm getting visions of my future, finally. I'd better harness that crap while the getting is still good. I'll let you know. Other than that... well, I still feel busy. Just wrote a Christmas special. Terrible.
I'll holla (th
Writing about it is probably what'll ruin it. No, but stuff has been collecting. I mean, yeah there are some prototypical "bad" things looming around but hell. The will always negates defeat.
Yeah I'm sick, but it's fine, really. We just got word that our "brain camp" thing will be taking place on January 29th! That means that I'll be, at the very least, marketing. It'll be good, and hopefully Cool Winners can perform. Going to have to remind myself... nah.. I was thinking I'd need that audio cable to connect a laptop to the speakers but nah.
College.
I guess I also edited 3 videos today but that's just what somebody who is talking about themselves would say. It won't really matter. So, you know. Ha. Hah. I'm getting visions of my future, finally. I'd better harness that crap while the getting is still good. I'll let you know. Other than that... well, I still feel busy. Just wrote a Christmas special. Terrible.
I'll holla (th
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Trouble
Well, I don't know. I'm getting a sense of "offended". I am somewhere in this thing about.. I don't know. You know how I am. I end up talking about junk like "universes" and stuff. Of course the only remedy is to be in what you call the "real world" and just get into some trouble. Apparently, these are called "reality checks". They're actually pretty stupid, but I'll bite. Last night, yeah, I was in the "real" world, just kind of being forced into a bad situation that I somehow apparently got myself into. Stupid. Any serious situation is actually just stupid, at this point. What is this.. "desensitized"? Well, like I had kind of tried to say before... there's got to be a difference between desensitized and just thinking a lot more than feeling in certain situations.
Ok, I won't really ever claim to be "wrong," but just imagine having an internal conflict where the only goal is to prove that whatever I did was right. This situation kind of applies to a lot, I guess. Kind of seems to be my ultimate lesson this year. Goes something like.. Trying to make things right before "it's too late" can probably only make things get worse.. or at least more "wrong". I, in respect for myself, just can't necessarily allow someone to tell me I'm wrong. It's just.. not the right type of thing to be told. Then, it feels like I'm doing a whole lot of good things in order to sort of "save up" for one 'bad' thing. There's no telling. There's no right opinion.
Eh. I know I'm just listing a bunch of iceberg tips worth of topics, but it's all I can do. I have this notebook, that I call my Sort this $#!* out book. You know. Ugh. I know. I just feel as though, reality or not, I need to sort out my "universes". I know that me even talking about stuff like that is only a phase, but maybe it's what I need to do right now. I guess this counts as my "trial and error" type of thing. Where I actually do try things, and find out how it doesn't work. Actually, one thing about last night... What about situations where I actually don't think before I speak. Ha because that was my only fault. Saying something. Admitting, basically. Still, it's like a rare thing. I'm not one to say things that end up making things wrong. That's whats odd. One of those things that really make you into a kook. Convincing yourself that deus ex machina is goin' on.. except opposite. Eh. Well, I mean. At this point, the one thing I'd like to make right is that I am not, nor will I ever be, considered a "bad friend" or "not a friend". No.
Ok, whatever. I don't deserve to be embarrassed, therefore, I won't be. I'm fine, I'm good.
Ok, I won't really ever claim to be "wrong," but just imagine having an internal conflict where the only goal is to prove that whatever I did was right. This situation kind of applies to a lot, I guess. Kind of seems to be my ultimate lesson this year. Goes something like.. Trying to make things right before "it's too late" can probably only make things get worse.. or at least more "wrong". I, in respect for myself, just can't necessarily allow someone to tell me I'm wrong. It's just.. not the right type of thing to be told. Then, it feels like I'm doing a whole lot of good things in order to sort of "save up" for one 'bad' thing. There's no telling. There's no right opinion.
Eh. I know I'm just listing a bunch of iceberg tips worth of topics, but it's all I can do. I have this notebook, that I call my Sort this $#!* out book. You know. Ugh. I know. I just feel as though, reality or not, I need to sort out my "universes". I know that me even talking about stuff like that is only a phase, but maybe it's what I need to do right now. I guess this counts as my "trial and error" type of thing. Where I actually do try things, and find out how it doesn't work. Actually, one thing about last night... What about situations where I actually don't think before I speak. Ha because that was my only fault. Saying something. Admitting, basically. Still, it's like a rare thing. I'm not one to say things that end up making things wrong. That's whats odd. One of those things that really make you into a kook. Convincing yourself that deus ex machina is goin' on.. except opposite. Eh. Well, I mean. At this point, the one thing I'd like to make right is that I am not, nor will I ever be, considered a "bad friend" or "not a friend". No.
Ok, whatever. I don't deserve to be embarrassed, therefore, I won't be. I'm fine, I'm good.
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About Me
- Peetoes
- Well, as far as I can tell.. I am a man now, but like... I am a guy who thinks he has like good morals and virtues or something but also thinking those are stupid therefore coming off as a bad prick rather than a good prick.